AIBU? DHs ex always accusing us of treating our DC better than DSC

[GratefullyFred]

Myself and DH have one child together and he has 3 DC from his first relationship.

Ever since we had our child DHs ex has always been hyper alert to any perceived unfairness between how they are treated. I understand why, but I'm sick of the constant moaning about anything I do for my child.

I don't have a mother - child relationship with my step child and never have, we have a much more friendly relationship and that's always worked for us so naturally I treat my child quite differently than I do them. I'm friendly, we have a laugh, and I am I hope always kind. But I stay in the peripheral when it comes to anything parenty and always have. This was how ex liked it before as well as I got an earful whenever I tried to do anything remotely motherly with them so stopped anything like that a long time ago.

Anyway, it's getting to the point where I feel I can't do anything for my child without these accusations or passive aggressive comments about his priorities being different or similar.

Just a random example is I planned a big birthday party for our DC last month. Admittedly it was quite big and expensive but my family helped with the cost and they had a great time. I have never gotten involved in the birthday planning for DSC and always left that to their parents. They have occasionally had birthday parties but tend not to arrange anything or at most have some friends to stay which is absolutely great and nothing to do with me. Apparently we make no effort for DSC birthday but spoilt our DC (we didn't do anything, I arranged it and myself and my family paid!). I would never stop DH from arranging anything like that for DSC, but he and ex never have and DSC have always seemed happy with what they do do.

It was the same when myself and DC went away with my parents for a week. DH stayed home and didn't come. But he got an earful about that because he "wasn't bothered about DSC getting a holiday". That's not true, we just can't all afford to go and my parents paid for me and DC to join theirs so I don't see why our DC should miss that opportunity.

It's gotten to the point now where DH prempts this and I can tell starts to worry about any perceived inequality between what I do for DC and what I do for DSC because the guilt trips from the ex work.

I feel like the whole onus is being put on me (and indirectly my family) to do everything the same for DSC as I do for my DC.

DH is a good dad and treats all of the kids the same. He doesn't do anything for one that he wouldn't do for the others. I of course do treat DC differently in some things because I'm a mother to him but not DSC, AIBU to think that's fine and he needs to stand up to this more not be guilted into feeling bad?

"The solution according to your DH and his exW is either:

1. You treat your DC badly because they can't be bothered to treat theirs well.

1. You do their parenting for them.

If he can't be arsed to throw his DC a party then why on earth should you? He seems to literally think you should do his parenting for him."

Exactly!

It sounds like you're using your parents as an excuse to treat your DC differently from the step-DC. Almost as though you're saying that 'your' DC is not the responsibility of your DP, that your DC has no financial implications on him and no emotional impact on their step-siblings. Life isn't like that.
Parties and holidays are big ticket items. If you're openly treating them differently in those instances, I'd assume you were treating them differently in lots of little ways all the time.
Tbh it shouldn't be about your DH's ex complaining, it should be about you and DH realising how unbalanced it is and trying to come up with a system that doesn't leave his DCs feeling like the poor, second-best DCs.

Another typical SM thread where the focus is on what the SM should do to even out the treatment or perceived slight to her DSC.

Little focus on what the actual parent (her DH) should do to even out how all his children are treated (although arguably some of these examples don't even warrant that!).

Reminds me of the recent thread where the OP was ripped to shreds for putting a photo of her son in a frame about 'mother and son' and accused of leaving out her DSC. And was horrendous for opening a savings account for her DC which her family paid into.

Madness

She can only make you 'feel bad' if you let her. So don't. You aren't going out of your way to slight your DCS, you aren't going "nee-ner nee-ner XX is going to Disney World/having a big party and you aren't so ha ha ha ". You are doing the things for your child that you want to do. You are going places with your family that they are asking you to go and are paying for. If she and/or DH think their mutual children should be having/doing more, that's up to them to facilitate. Not you and certainly not your parents.

First off, are these complaints being made to you or being relayed to you via DH? Either way I think I'd say "This is between you and . Don't involve me and certainly don't involve my parents. Figure out what you want to do for the children between you and then do it". You can add something along the lines of "I'll be happy to help out" unless it would end up with them expecting you to do it all and/or your parents to pay for it.

Can your dh take his children away if you are taking yours?
He can't do that as then he would not be treating his children equally.
As things stand they are all equally not getting a holiday with their father.
This is where the whole "equal" thing starts to fall apart as the only way to make it happen is the whole extended family aggreeing to some sort of communist style division of resources, and the mother of the younger children agreeing to live down to the precedent set by the older childrens mother in this case.

We had this. His ex went mad my dm was paying for us to take my dc away.
She had a huge family who all in prob spent thousands a year on their dd. My dd had 1 dgp. That's it. We weren't lpwwd to take dsd away. And it wasn't fair we got to see her have fun and she didn't!!
We went not in his contact time in the end.
She made dsd ring him every night. She never had ever until then. Dsd was 3.
.

pragmatic option: could dh take his kids on break somewhere? do something nice just him and them and flash the cash a bit?
that would nip this narrative in the bud and I the cheesy expression "make memories"

And @candlelightsatdawn, what do you mean by "it's wonderess to me"?

Omg l would LOVE to see my stepson's mum's reaction if we's had tried to organise a party for him when he was younger.....pp that think you should do this are living in a dream world op!!
Basically as a step parent you're fucked whatever you do.
Of course l do things with my dd that l don't do with stepchild!

@WinifredTheWondrous

And *@candlelightsatdawn*, what do you mean by "it's wonderess to me"?

Baffling - mystified - that feeling when your looking at such a large open space and you think how did nature create this.

@BlowDryRat

My DC have a step mum who has a child with exH. I wouldn't have any problem with what you're doing and not see it as any of my business how you parented your DC TBH. The only time I was a bit miffed (but didn't say anything) was when they all went away on an expensive holiday to see exH's family in the USA. He's never taken our DC on holiday, despite promising to take them to Spain, Disney etc. and I know they would love to go & see their cousins.

And that's a fair reaction to that particular situation and is most certainly the dad treating his kids unfairly

Baffling - mystified - that feeling when your looking at such a large open space and you think how did nature create this.

Oh sorry, wondrous? I mean...were you agreeing with me or did you wrongly think I thought op should be expected to pay for her step kids' parties and holidays? Because I'd I'd you to re read my posts. That is the absolute opposite of what I think @candlelightsatdawn. Hth

Bookworm, you obviously haven't dealt with a difficult ex in a step situation. That would be a major overstep by OP. I get on fine with my SC's mum but even she would be pissed off if I did this. It's not my place.

I have actually. I had 3 DSC. But difference is no way would I have thrown a big birthday party for my own DC and not for the DSC birthdays. They were treated as equally as possible.

And their mum was difficult to start with, but that didn't make me write the DSC off and not bother with doing anything for them. I didn't see it as her and Dp's responsbility and wash my hands of it, or as overstepping the mark. I saw it as including them in family stuff. Difference is we communicated with the ex w, at the start it was all through DP, and made sure all plans were fine with her before asking the DC (like holidays, parties etc) but a couple years in we all have a great relationship.

I just think perhaps the OP's DSC feel they are missing out. Totally agree its not her responsibility, its their parents, but OP sounds lovely and maybe needs to get her DH to step a level so its not such a difference between the DC. Or do something herself to show them they are in no way second to her own DC.
Its very tricky getting it right, but end of the day it should be about these childrens feelings and if they are saying they feel like not a priority someone ought to start listening before resentment kicks in.

I don't actually think OP is in the wrong. But it seems neither of the DSC parents are stepping up, so maybe she can or at least address it with her DH so theres not such a glaring gap.

@ShinyHappyPoster

It sounds like you're using your parents as an excuse to treat your DC differently from the step-DC. Almost as though you're saying that 'your' DC is not the responsibility of your DP, that your DC has no financial implications on him and no emotional impact on their step-siblings. Life isn't like that. Parties and holidays are big ticket items. If you're openly treating them differently in those instances, I'd assume you were treating them differently in lots of little ways all the time. Tbh it shouldn't be about your DH's ex complaining, it should be about you and DH realising how unbalanced it is and trying to come up with a system that doesn't leave his DCs feeling like the poor, second-best DCs.

Your right. They are big ticket items. And I will just fix what you posted here The parents should be doing something to address the situation if they seem it unequal.

OP is however not the parent and has been told to step off and step out by DM. She is simply respecting dear mum wishes, any failings or inequality is down to the parents of that DC failing that DC. The blame lies with them.

Not someone who has been told she's not to step into the mother role she is respecting her place.

I would also be explaining to DSC that if they would like a party or upset in anyway to have a chat to DM and DH as DM has asked me not to get involved and i don't want to upset mummy.

Most kids will understand this concept and not want me to cause issues with their mum and know I'm respecting her and their relationships.

It's not a hard thing to communicate to kids tbh.

I think the two situations are different. The holiday is really an occasion of your child spending time with his grandparents on his mother's side. If his grandparents want to do that on a holiday, that's their decision. He shouldn't be allowed to see his grandparents because his half-siblings don't have grandparents? Equality needs to make sense and this doesn't. If the DSC ask, you and he are with your family for a week. No need for it to be contentious. If you and your dh take your son away for a week to a family holiday, then, yes, the DSC should be invited too.

The birthday party, yes, technically, you have a right to throw a huge birthday party for your own child. But it does rather put the disparity between him and his half-siblings into their faces. I don't think you should abstain from birthday parties because the DSC's parents don't throw birthday parties, since birthday parties are a normal part of our culture. But maybe you could throw more modest parties that don't seem to highlight the disparity so much. Also I am wondering if the reason your dh doesn't throw birthday parties for his kids is that he and his ex wife can't afford it. If that's the case, even more, I think you should try not to throw the lower living conditions of the DSC into their faces.

The SC have a mother and a father. It is their job to determine what is in the best interests of their children. It is absolutely NOT the step parent’s job to do the heavy lifting her - Firstly, because arranging and paying for things like holidays is completely overstepping the mark and and secondly, because that is literally what the parents are for. It is up to the SC mum and dad to sit down and work out holidays/parties/gifts/whatever for THEIR children and stop scapegoating their stepmother who treats them well but is not, at the end of the day, their parent.

Yanbu, but are you sure that DH is putting every effort into his kids' birthdays and things like that? Is the planning and everything actually 50/50?

Like clearly this woman has a problem with how much your DH is pitching in, and is taking it out on you which isn't fair.

But maybe she's feeling this way because your DH isn't bothering as much as he should, and she's seeing you organise all these wonderful things for your child and is feeling a bit pissed off, which I would understand.

@Bookworm20

Bookworm, you obviously haven't dealt with a difficult ex in a step situation. That would be a major overstep by OP. I get on fine with my SC's mum but even she would be pissed off if I did this. It's not my place.

I have actually. I had 3 DSC. But difference is no way would I have thrown a big birthday party for my own DC and not for the DSC birthdays. They were treated as equally as possible.

And their mum was difficult to start with, but that didn't make me write the DSC off and not bother with doing anything for them. I didn't see it as her and Dp's responsbility and wash my hands of it, or as overstepping the mark. I saw it as including them in family stuff. Difference is we communicated with the ex w, at the start it was all through DP, and made sure all plans were fine with her before asking the DC (like holidays, parties etc) but a couple years in we all have a great relationship.

I just think perhaps the OP's DSC feel they are missing out. Totally agree its not her responsibility, its their parents, but OP sounds lovely and maybe needs to get her DH to step a level so its not such a difference between the DC. Or do something herself to show them they are in no way second to her own DC.
Its very tricky getting it right, but end of the day it should be about these childrens feelings and if they are saying they feel like not a priority someone ought to start listening before resentment kicks in.

I don't actually think OP is in the wrong. But it seems neither of the DSC parents are stepping up, so maybe she can or at least address it with her DH so theres not such a glaring gap.

Personally I would be going bonkers at DH and put him in the 🗑 but I understand that sometimes I have only influence not control my SC and over DM and her wishes. We have to draw a line somewhere and some people just aren't reasonable (both DH and DM aren't seeming reasonable in their own ways tbh)

I would hope everyone could get on with each other for the sake of the kids but more often than not, we take swings at each other and usually at the wrong person.

I have pointed out that while DH and DM weren't getting on, their DC was suffering and that wasn't ok. I got a right ear full from both at the time but later both came back separately to say I was right.

Emotions are complicated is what I'm saying. I'm just a added trusted adult, my DSD chooses who I am to her and I respect her choices. While letting her know I will try to help were and if I have influence

Oooh. Sorry I'm late. I do love my daily dose of "step mum bad" here on MN. Keeps us step mums "in our lanes" eh, @candlelightsatdawn 😁😉

OP, you've obviously done nowt wrong.

Try to empathise with your SC's mum. Nobody decides to have kids with a man and thinks "I hope we break up and I get to watch him do this again with someone else in 10 years". (At least I don't think they do.)

Empathising with how she's feeling will help you find the patience to deal with it all, because there are still years ahead. It's not the same as agreeing. And she doesn't know what's going on anyway - who's paying for what etc.

Your SC still have their mum and their dad in their lives and I'm sure they get lots of lovely experiences with both.

Just resist the urge to lock them in the cellar and make them do all the cleaning while your own child goes to the ball. 💁🏻‍♀️

@WinifredTheWondrous

Baffling - mystified - that feeling when your looking at such a large open space and you think how did nature create this.

Oh sorry, wondrous? I mean...were you agreeing with me or did you wrongly think I thought op should be expected to pay for her step kids' parties and holidays? Because I'd I'd you to re read my posts. That is the absolute opposite of what I think @candlelightsatdawn. Hth

Sorry @candlelightsatdawn, in case you missed it; were you agreeing with me or being argumentative with me, despite me saying pretty much exactly the same as you (op sounds lovely and this is not up to her to sort) with the added nastiness of picking on my username? Was that necessary? I mean it was confusing, whatever the intention. I said on page one NOT UP TO OP. It's entirely up to he parents. I just think the dh sounds about as shit as as ex 🤷‍♀️. Maybe more so. Feel sorry for his kids really. Op's baby is lucky to have her.

Your are just highlighting their piss poor parenting and they (your DH and his ex) don’t like it. Crack on. You’ve no obligation to their kids and it sounds like you’ve tried. There is nothing stopping either of them doing likewise.

You are absolutely not doing anything wrong. Your step children have their own mother. If the Mother and Father are not happy your children have had a party then they can arrange one between them on their next birthday. It seems they are not fussed about big parties until you had one. Seems like tit for tat.

I as a Mother would not want my ex new partner acting like their Mum. I am the Mother. It seems the friendly relationship between the OP and the SC worked well before the younger children arrived. Seems like jealousy.

@Tractordiggerdump

Your are just highlighting their piss poor parenting and they (your DH and his ex) don’t like it. Crack on. You’ve no obligation to their kids and it sounds like you’ve tried. There is nothing stopping either of them doing likewise.

Exactly! Highlighting their poor parenting was exactly what I was trying to say up thread. Thank you for articulating it better than I did!

The simple answer is shut down your source.

If its your husband you nees a line like "thats between you and your ex."

If its the ex, "thats between you and DH".

If its anyone else "that's not my business"

Dont deviate. Dont get drawn into a discussion.

How does the Ex know about the holidays and parties?

There is no reason she couldn't just be told that you and your DC were spending the week with your mum. How did she know it was a holiday?

Same for the party... If the SC weren't there, how did it get back to her that you threw a big party?

If they were there, it was probably rubbing their noses in it to see a big flashy party that they hadn't had - what are the ages of the various children?