AIBU? DHs ex always accusing us of treating our DC better than DSC

[GratefullyFred]

Myself and DH have one child together and he has 3 DC from his first relationship.

Ever since we had our child DHs ex has always been hyper alert to any perceived unfairness between how they are treated. I understand why, but I'm sick of the constant moaning about anything I do for my child.

I don't have a mother - child relationship with my step child and never have, we have a much more friendly relationship and that's always worked for us so naturally I treat my child quite differently than I do them. I'm friendly, we have a laugh, and I am I hope always kind. But I stay in the peripheral when it comes to anything parenty and always have. This was how ex liked it before as well as I got an earful whenever I tried to do anything remotely motherly with them so stopped anything like that a long time ago.

Anyway, it's getting to the point where I feel I can't do anything for my child without these accusations or passive aggressive comments about his priorities being different or similar.

Just a random example is I planned a big birthday party for our DC last month. Admittedly it was quite big and expensive but my family helped with the cost and they had a great time. I have never gotten involved in the birthday planning for DSC and always left that to their parents. They have occasionally had birthday parties but tend not to arrange anything or at most have some friends to stay which is absolutely great and nothing to do with me. Apparently we make no effort for DSC birthday but spoilt our DC (we didn't do anything, I arranged it and myself and my family paid!). I would never stop DH from arranging anything like that for DSC, but he and ex never have and DSC have always seemed happy with what they do do.

It was the same when myself and DC went away with my parents for a week. DH stayed home and didn't come. But he got an earful about that because he "wasn't bothered about DSC getting a holiday". That's not true, we just can't all afford to go and my parents paid for me and DC to join theirs so I don't see why our DC should miss that opportunity.

It's gotten to the point now where DH prempts this and I can tell starts to worry about any perceived inequality between what I do for DC and what I do for DSC because the guilt trips from the ex work.

I feel like the whole onus is being put on me (and indirectly my family) to do everything the same for DSC as I do for my DC.

DH is a good dad and treats all of the kids the same. He doesn't do anything for one that he wouldn't do for the others. I of course do treat DC differently in some things because I'm a mother to him but not DSC, AIBU to think that's fine and he needs to stand up to this more not be guilted into feeling bad?

Nobody would think it was unreasonable if the DSCs mum took the DSC on holiday, or would feel sorry for your DC. But DCs in this situation are treated by some posters as if they aren't humans in their own right.

@Staryflight445

It’s more about the dad allowing so much disparity between his 2 first children and this 3rd one *@candlelightsatdawn*

It’ll only get worse as the kids notice it as they get older

Then as I stated the parents of the SC children need to step up both of them.

I don't care if my SD is taken away on holiday by her own mum, and I'm sure my DD will notice but that point I will be explaining that she has a different mummy, and the situation is different.

I won't be telling her that she's entitled to exactly the same as DSC because that's literally unachievable and would breed a mentality of entitlement that I wouldn't want in my child as it's detrimental to them long term.

OP and her DC are just bystanders, it shouldn't be coming to her door.

Totally agree.

It's the parents who need to deal with it. I haven't got much sympathy for either of them tbh (the ex or dh I mean; not op, who is an innocent bystander)

@GratefullyFred Your DH needs to tune out his ex, he can't let her criticism be what guides his approach to parenting. He presumably is able to make decisions himself on what is fair and what isn't, and if he knows something is fair then he shouldn't let her affect that.

It is also none of his ex's business what you do with your child, particularly not things you do with your own family that don't even involve your DH. I am sure she does things for her children with her own family.

Tbh I'd try and limit what she knows about. If that means not being entirely truthful with SCs at times then so be it - eg the trip with your family, going forward your DH could just say that you have gone to stay with your parents for the week.

At the end of the day, she will never know the ins and outs of your finances and who paid for what, she will only ever perceive it from the outside. So unless your DH wants to explain every single thing in detail to her every time she kicks off, he's just going to have to thicken his skin, trust his own judgement on what is fair and what isn't, and not respond when she starts up with this kind of criticism.

@WinifredTheWondrous it's wonderess to me because I would be horrified at the thought of my Dd SM having to pay for my child's party or reduce what she does with her DC out of guilt.

I think that DP should be shutting this shit down. The guilt leaks and it's not healthy for anyone .

It's about equity not equality.

@ZenNudist

Well I'd be pretty miffed if my dh pushed off on holiday without me because his parents were paying. I think you save up and go as a family.

And being honest about birthday parties did it never occur to you that not throwing a party was a bit mean? If you are the kind of person that likes a big party. Did you never think you were setting a precedent for how birthdays are dealt with in your family?

I think everything needs to be scrupulously equal not just in blended families but also non blended families. So throwing a big party for eldest but youngest gets bugger all (a common situation) is not on.

None of which is OPs fault, the child's father could have arranged a party, sorted out a holiday etc.

If you and your husband had split before your son's birthday, your son would still have had holiday and the party and your step-children still wouldn't. Who would the ex blame then?

Absolutely YANBU but I would throw a party for a child in my life whose parents were so shit that they couldn't properly mark her birthday. Yes, yes, not my place, but I wouldn't want that child feeling unloved and uncared for.

I would also be reevaluating my relationship with my DH if he was incapable of hosting a child's party for DSC. He's 50% responsible for making sure DSC doesn't miss out.

@DysmalRadius I have seen this one play out RL, usually the SM would still be blamed as the Dc would still "competition" for DH perceived time and resource and money would rage as resources would have to then be split two ways. Why did you have a child with someone else if you can't do everything I want with first one.

This never goes down well. Usually it's why some ex's have issues only when new baby is born, the fear of resources being split (which ironically would still happen in a nuclear family) but never that much of a issue then tbh

This is for your husband to sort out. They're his kids. If ex wants them to have a big party, she should arrange and pay for it with their dad - it's not your problem.

Well I'd be pretty miffed if my dh pushed off on holiday without me because his parents were paying. I think you save up and go as a family.

Really? I think it's a bit controlling to be annoyed about your partner spending time with their family tbh.

@Gliderx

Absolutely YANBU but I would throw a party for a child in my life whose parents were so shit that they couldn't properly mark her birthday. Yes, yes, not my place, but I wouldn't want that child feeling unloved and uncared for.

I would also be reevaluating my relationship with my DH if he was incapable of hosting a child's party for DSC. He's 50% responsible for making sure DSC doesn't miss out.

If your able too....Some SM are told to back the hell off (like this OP has been) and would get hassle either way, it's a drama or drama option no matter how you look at it.

Then you have a child caught between having a party and upsetting mummy. Nasty place to be. My step sister was in this position a lot and poor girl got a ear full each time so she asked for it to stop as her mum made her feel so crap about step mum throwing her parties.

How is she finding out about these things? Are the kids telling her?
Your dh needs to tell her to wind his neck in.

but I would throw a party for a child in my life whose parents were so shit that they couldn't properly mark her birthday. Yes, yes, not my place, but I wouldn't want that child feeling unloved and uncared for

I don't think I'd even be able to do this, I don't have the details for their friends who's parents don't really know me and their Mum would be fuming if she'd found out I'd contacted all the school mum's to arrange a birthday party for them. Honestly it's like you can't win.

You don't have an ex problem, you have a DH problem. This is his issue to resolve with the ex, not yours. I must say though that the dsc will feel a difference, if your dc is getting nice parties and holidays (regardless as to who is paying). I think he needs to make more of an effort with his dc to be honest, otherwise there will be resentment in the future. YANBU to carry on parenting your dc in the way you feel is best.

I didn’t say it was justified i just said I understand how the frustration.
I got the impression that it couldn’t be afforded for the DSCs mum to do things like holidays and big birthdays.

The thing is, everything doesn't need to be a battle either. It sounds like it is the ex that has a problem with these things rather than the children themselves and she is just expressing her insecurity and worry that they are being 'replaced'.

In her shoes, if my child had been upset - crucially, not if I was just miffed about perceived unfairness myself - that their little half-sibling had a special party and they hadn't had one (through both my own and their dad's choice), then I'd contact him and say "hey, DC is a bit upset they've not had a birthday party like your little one did, can we go halves this year to do something a bit more special for them?" and take it from there.

The older children are still children, there is plenty of time to start doing a bit more with/for them if their parents think the need is there.

What you don't need to do is just constantly criticise in order to tear your ex down and try to make them question everything their partner is doing for their young child.

It’s almost as though to it DH is expecting you to do the grunt work he should be doing in regard to arranging things for his child.

I can understand about the holiday but at the same time your parents paid. I do understand it would seem unfair though and I wouldn’t have done it personally.

@GratefullyFred

but I would throw a party for a child in my life whose parents were so shit that they couldn't properly mark her birthday. Yes, yes, not my place, but I wouldn't want that child feeling unloved and uncared for

I don't think I'd even be able to do this, I don't have the details for their friends who's parents don't really know me and their Mum would be fuming if she'd found out I'd contacted all the school mum's to arrange a birthday party for them. Honestly it's like you can't win.

Well also, just because kids aren't having a massive party doesn't mean their birthday isn't properly marked??

As you said OP, sometimes your SCs have had parties, sometimes they haven't, I think that's totally normal. I'm sure you won't do a massive party for your child every year either, it fluctuates for most people.

Like I said, primary responsibility lies with the parents.

Surely your DH has his DSC's friends' details? He should be the one organising.

@Hodgehog

It’s almost as though to it DH is expecting you to do the grunt work he should be doing in regard to arranging things for his child.

I can understand about the holiday but at the same time your parents paid. I do understand it would seem unfair though and I wouldn’t have done it personally.

I think it would seem unfair had the OP, her Dh and just the OPs child gone on holiday but the Op taking just her own child away on her own with her parents? Absolutely not, presumably the ex takes her children away with her parents/relatives sometimes, what's the difference?

Totally agree with your first point and to add, the OP has pointed out that the ex wouldn't be happy with her organising a party for her children anyway, seems like what the ex wants is for the OP to not do anything with her own child to be "equal"

I don't understand why you're giving the woman and her opinions headspace, OP.

Tell your DH you don't want to hear of any complaints. They are for him to deal with. Carry on as you are, seems you're managing fine.

@Hodgehog I do understand it would seem unfair though and I wouldn’t have done it personally.

So may I ask what you would have done instead ? Not thrown DC a party because SC parents hadn't sorted their collective stuff together ? Pay for a party and then have DM kick right off saying back off ?

How would you explain that to DC "sorry hunny you can't have a party because it looks bad to SC so no parties or holidays away for you" As they watch their DM take them on holidays/ throw parties.
Isn't that just as damaging by your own logic

I'm all for advocating for kids but when is it ok to take from one child because the parents aren't stepping up to provide for another.

Can anyone answer me this because I'm baffled 🤯 if that was flipped reversed people would be losing their minds.

I think the problem is your DH needs to do more with his first three kids rather than do less with his youngest child

I don't think I'd even be able to do this, I don't have the details for their friends who's parents don't really know me and their Mum would be fuming if she'd found out I'd contacted all the school mum's to arrange a birthday party for them. Honestly it's like you can't win.

Sorry but thats a bit of a cop out. You could easily find this information out and you also speak to her mother and ask her if its ok for you to throw them a party on a day when the dc is at yours.