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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? DHs ex always accusing us of treating our DC better than DSC

234 replies

GratefullyFred · 18/11/2021 14:11

Myself and DH have one child together and he has 3 DC from his first relationship.

Ever since we had our child DHs ex has always been hyper alert to any perceived unfairness between how they are treated. I understand why, but I'm sick of the constant moaning about anything I do for my child.

I don't have a mother - child relationship with my step child and never have, we have a much more friendly relationship and that's always worked for us so naturally I treat my child quite differently than I do them. I'm friendly, we have a laugh, and I am I hope always kind. But I stay in the peripheral when it comes to anything parenty and always have. This was how ex liked it before as well as I got an earful whenever I tried to do anything remotely motherly with them so stopped anything like that a long time ago.

Anyway, it's getting to the point where I feel I can't do anything for my child without these accusations or passive aggressive comments about his priorities being different or similar.

Just a random example is I planned a big birthday party for our DC last month. Admittedly it was quite big and expensive but my family helped with the cost and they had a great time. I have never gotten involved in the birthday planning for DSC and always left that to their parents. They have occasionally had birthday parties but tend not to arrange anything or at most have some friends to stay which is absolutely great and nothing to do with me. Apparently we make no effort for DSC birthday but spoilt our DC (we didn't do anything, I arranged it and myself and my family paid!). I would never stop DH from arranging anything like that for DSC, but he and ex never have and DSC have always seemed happy with what they do do.

It was the same when myself and DC went away with my parents for a week. DH stayed home and didn't come. But he got an earful about that because he "wasn't bothered about DSC getting a holiday". That's not true, we just can't all afford to go and my parents paid for me and DC to join theirs so I don't see why our DC should miss that opportunity.

It's gotten to the point now where DH prempts this and I can tell starts to worry about any perceived inequality between what I do for DC and what I do for DSC because the guilt trips from the ex work.

I feel like the whole onus is being put on me (and indirectly my family) to do everything the same for DSC as I do for my DC.

DH is a good dad and treats all of the kids the same. He doesn't do anything for one that he wouldn't do for the others. I of course do treat DC differently in some things because I'm a mother to him but not DSC, AIBU to think that's fine and he needs to stand up to this more not be guilted into feeling bad?

OP posts:
Gliderx · 18/11/2021 16:14

I'm amazed that your DH's response to this is to put pressure on you to stop doing stuff with your DC rather than pull his finger out and organise a party!

Finknottlesnewt · 18/11/2021 16:17

What the fuck ?

Why ON EARTH is it the stepmothers responsibility to throw a party or organise a holiday when THEIR OWN PARENTS CANT BE ARSED ??

This has got to be the limit of wicked stepmother caricaturing !!

Also . As anyone who has a blended family with vastly different ages will attest. There is absolutely no way to treat 'equally' . Nor would it be appreciated by the kids involved.... the ONLY people who want this are bitter ex partners who wish to make your families life less harmonious.

We had this. Until we decided to ignore anything but essential communication. DH ex actually had a massive rant that we didn't wait for DSD to get back from reading festival with her mates (we bought the tickets on her request) before going to Centre Parcs with our toddlers...

Does something happen to the minds of otherwise rational women when their long divorced ex has another family ? Because the ex in our lives is barking. .. other 'things we have done for ours (2,3 &5) but not DSC 16,18,23,24 include.. ;

Going to the Zoo
Having a bouncy castle birthday party.
Magician birthday party
Face painting
Thomas the Tank day out.

Things we have organised for DSC that exclude DC
School Ski trips x 4
Contributions (2k) to eldest world travel year out.
RYA yacht exams all the way to day skipper.
Sailing lessons
Reading festival x 2
Glastonbury x3

It's NOT ABOUT EQUALITY!!! It's about being fair within the circumstances available.

Youseethethingis · 18/11/2021 16:17

@WinifredTheWondrous
I'd just like to say, since you are feeling picked on, that I love your username. It's the posh Sunday version of my grans nickname (she was a wonderwoman, actually did leap into action to save actual lives on two known occasions, did all her own stunts). She was amazing. Wondrous, even. Flowers

KurtWilde · 18/11/2021 16:17

If they were there, it was probably rubbing their noses in it to see a big flashy party that they hadn't had

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Invite them and you're rubbing their noses in it, don't invite them and you're excluding them.

It's not OPs fault her SCs parents have never thrown them a big party, and it's not her job to do it now.

WinifredTheWondrous · 18/11/2021 16:19

[quote Youseethethingis]@WinifredTheWondrous
I'd just like to say, since you are feeling picked on, that I love your username. It's the posh Sunday version of my grans nickname (she was a wonderwoman, actually did leap into action to save actual lives on two known occasions, did all her own stunts). She was amazing. Wondrous, even. Flowers[/quote]
Ah well then I and my username are most honoured to have such a namesake GrinFlowers

I think some people just go off on one without reading. What can you do 🤷‍♀️?

LaetitiaASD · 18/11/2021 16:20

@GratefullyFred

Myself and DH have one child together and he has 3 DC from his first relationship.

Ever since we had our child DHs ex has always been hyper alert to any perceived unfairness between how they are treated. I understand why, but I'm sick of the constant moaning about anything I do for my child.

I don't have a mother - child relationship with my step child and never have, we have a much more friendly relationship and that's always worked for us so naturally I treat my child quite differently than I do them. I'm friendly, we have a laugh, and I am I hope always kind. But I stay in the peripheral when it comes to anything parenty and always have. This was how ex liked it before as well as I got an earful whenever I tried to do anything remotely motherly with them so stopped anything like that a long time ago.

Anyway, it's getting to the point where I feel I can't do anything for my child without these accusations or passive aggressive comments about his priorities being different or similar.

Just a random example is I planned a big birthday party for our DC last month. Admittedly it was quite big and expensive but my family helped with the cost and they had a great time. I have never gotten involved in the birthday planning for DSC and always left that to their parents. They have occasionally had birthday parties but tend not to arrange anything or at most have some friends to stay which is absolutely great and nothing to do with me. Apparently we make no effort for DSC birthday but spoilt our DC (we didn't do anything, I arranged it and myself and my family paid!). I would never stop DH from arranging anything like that for DSC, but he and ex never have and DSC have always seemed happy with what they do do.

It was the same when myself and DC went away with my parents for a week. DH stayed home and didn't come. But he got an earful about that because he "wasn't bothered about DSC getting a holiday". That's not true, we just can't all afford to go and my parents paid for me and DC to join theirs so I don't see why our DC should miss that opportunity.

It's gotten to the point now where DH prempts this and I can tell starts to worry about any perceived inequality between what I do for DC and what I do for DSC because the guilt trips from the ex work.

I feel like the whole onus is being put on me (and indirectly my family) to do everything the same for DSC as I do for my DC.

DH is a good dad and treats all of the kids the same. He doesn't do anything for one that he wouldn't do for the others. I of course do treat DC differently in some things because I'm a mother to him but not DSC, AIBU to think that's fine and he needs to stand up to this more not be guilted into feeling bad?

Out of curiousity, do you have a massive go at DHs Ex for the way they do more for their own kids than they do for yours and DHs?

If not why not?

SW1amp · 18/11/2021 16:21

@KurtWilde

If they were there, it was probably rubbing their noses in it to see a big flashy party that they hadn't had

Damned if you do, damned if you don't. Invite them and you're rubbing their noses in it, don't invite them and you're excluding them.

It's not OPs fault her SCs parents have never thrown them a big party, and it's not her job to do it now.

I think you can not invite them and keep on the DL, but it depends on the ages

If they are old enough to be telling their siblings about their amazing party at the weekend, then they obviously have to be there
If this is a toddler who had soft play hired out for their entire nursery class, then it's probably ok to not invite them along and just say you all did something with OP's family if asked

Same with the holiday. I can't really see why the Ex had to be furnished with the details of it, rather than just being told OP had gone to see her mum

WorraLiberty · 18/11/2021 16:26

DH is a good dad and treats all of the kids the same. He doesn't do anything for one that he wouldn't do for the others.

Well it pretty much sounds as though he does fuck all for any of them to be fair.

So he is at least consistent.

KurtWilde · 18/11/2021 16:26

I think you can not invite them and keep on the DL

True, but imagine how upset they'd be if they found out, and how much the ex would kick off about it. As I say, damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Nocutenamesleft · 18/11/2021 16:28

I see where you’re coming from

But I’ve got a wicked stepmother and I KNOW that if my dad had a huge party or went to one for my stepsisters and not me (which to be fair they have). It’s really unfair.

I hate my stepsisters and my step mother. They get lots and I get left out.

Holidays sound the same too. Though my dad a,ways went. Wouldn’t bother me if my step mother went on holiday on her own. She frequently does.

But it’s harsh on the kids. It really is. Sorry. But it is.

KurtWilde · 18/11/2021 16:30

@Nocutenamesleft but OP clearly isn't a wicked stepmother and from what we've read here has a nice relationship with her SC.

WinifredTheWondrous · 18/11/2021 16:31

@WorraLiberty

DH is a good dad and treats all of the kids the same. He doesn't do anything for one that he wouldn't do for the others.

Well it pretty much sounds as though he does fuck all for any of them to be fair.

So he is at least consistent.

Indeed! So much so that his chosen resolution to his older ones feeling as if he isn't doing enough with them is to do less with his little one. He sounds awfully lazy and not a good dad at all tbh.

I don't think the ex sounds amazing either. Poor kids.

WinifredTheWondrous · 18/11/2021 16:31

Thank God the little one has op!

lunar1 · 18/11/2021 16:32

There is nothing wrong with not having big parties for children. The problem has come about because the dad has brought a new sibling into their lives who is being parented very differently.

He needs to talk to his children and find a balance. They are siblings so of course they are going to notice big differences in lifestyle.

Their dad created this dynamic by choice and he needs to be the one to meet the needs of all his children accordingly. It's neither the mum or step mums responsibility.

He must have given some thought as to how he can keep a balance given that he made a choice to have 4 children with two different mothers.

candlelightsatdawn · 18/11/2021 16:34

@WinifredTheWondrous I wasn't picking on your username 🤯 tbh I hadn't even really twigged it was in your username until you just commented - now I have read it back I can see how it came across ! I totally wasn't being nasty about your username, but I totally apologise if it came across that way (and realise it did) . I used the wonderous because I use that word a lot on here and no link to you whatever (pls feel free to check in it my historical posts) because it's a turn of phase my family use a lot. I did wonder why you asked me to explain what I meant by that and found it a tad odd but since it's not a common word I thought maybe I had said don't make sense

Genuinely wasn't taking the mick, I have been up all night with toddler and my eyes are drooping. Again no ill intent.

WinifredTheWondrous · 18/11/2021 16:36

I'd agree with that @lunar1, except that the mum is now complaining about what the op's dc gets! If she doesn't want want parent her own dcs that way, that's fine. But she can't then moan to op as if op is responsible for arranging it all.

I do think the dad sounds thoughtless and lazy at best though. My only small issue with the op (and it isn't even really a criticism) is that she feels sorry for her oh for feeling bad about this. Well, sorry, he should feel bad? He can still fix it though and that doesn't mean doing less with his youngest ffs Hmm.

WinifredTheWondrous · 18/11/2021 16:38

[quote candlelightsatdawn]@WinifredTheWondrous I wasn't picking on your username 🤯 tbh I hadn't even really twigged it was in your username until you just commented - now I have read it back I can see how it came across ! I totally wasn't being nasty about your username, but I totally apologise if it came across that way (and realise it did) . I used the wonderous because I use that word a lot on here and no link to you whatever (pls feel free to check in it my historical posts) because it's a turn of phase my family use a lot. I did wonder why you asked me to explain what I meant by that and found it a tad odd but since it's not a common word I thought maybe I had said don't make sense

Genuinely wasn't taking the mick, I have been up all night with toddler and my eyes are drooping. Again no ill intent. [/quote]
Well as long as we can all accept that I have a fantastic username WinkWineCakeGin

Lndnmummy · 18/11/2021 16:38

Forget the ex, but I am wondering why you are not more concerned about the emotional wellbeing of your dsc. It would never occur to me to have a different style birthday party for a biological child than dsc. I just
couldn't compehend that. Never. These are children and they will be on high alert on being sidlined.
Forget the ex, why are YOU not more consious of the children and their feelings?

Gliderx · 18/11/2021 16:38

The problem is usually the same in these cases. A DH/ex DH who does bugger all for any of his kids and then an ex/step-mum who parent very differently and/or have access to different resources.

Why don't you and ex put your DH in charge of organising parties for all the kids and make it clear that doing bugger all is not an option?

RantyAunty · 18/11/2021 16:39

Instead of moaning about it, exW and your DH need to crack on and plan things for their DC. It's their responsibility.

PingedPotato · 18/11/2021 16:40

All that has to happen is everytime she moans about something you have done and paid for your child is your DP says that you paid/sorted it and it's up to him/his ex to sort stuff for their child. And leave you well out if it.

PingedPotato · 18/11/2021 16:42

Why ON EARTH is it the stepmothers responsibility to throw a party or organise a holiday when THEIR OWN PARENTS CANT BE ARSED ?? he can say this. Although he is basically admitting he can't be bothered which is true, but nor can she if she hasn't sorted it.

lockdownalli · 18/11/2021 16:42

As someone who has had a SM, been a SM and whose won DC now have a SM, YANBU.

How do you know all this? Is she contacting you directly or is this all via DH? If the former, block her. If the latter, tell him not to pass it on as it's really pissing you off.

She needs to wind her neck in.

lockdownalli · 18/11/2021 16:43

own DC

PingedPotato · 18/11/2021 16:45

@GratefullyFred

but I would throw a party for a child in my life whose parents were so shit that they couldn't properly mark her birthday. Yes, yes, not my place, but I wouldn't want that child feeling unloved and uncared for

I don't think I'd even be able to do this, I don't have the details for their friends who's parents don't really know me and their Mum would be fuming if she'd found out I'd contacted all the school mum's to arrange a birthday party for them. Honestly it's like you can't win.

Oh no no need for you to throw a party. They have parents to do that.
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