AIBU? DHs ex always accusing us of treating our DC better than DSC

[GratefullyFred]

Myself and DH have one child together and he has 3 DC from his first relationship.

Ever since we had our child DHs ex has always been hyper alert to any perceived unfairness between how they are treated. I understand why, but I'm sick of the constant moaning about anything I do for my child.

I don't have a mother - child relationship with my step child and never have, we have a much more friendly relationship and that's always worked for us so naturally I treat my child quite differently than I do them. I'm friendly, we have a laugh, and I am I hope always kind. But I stay in the peripheral when it comes to anything parenty and always have. This was how ex liked it before as well as I got an earful whenever I tried to do anything remotely motherly with them so stopped anything like that a long time ago.

Anyway, it's getting to the point where I feel I can't do anything for my child without these accusations or passive aggressive comments about his priorities being different or similar.

Just a random example is I planned a big birthday party for our DC last month. Admittedly it was quite big and expensive but my family helped with the cost and they had a great time. I have never gotten involved in the birthday planning for DSC and always left that to their parents. They have occasionally had birthday parties but tend not to arrange anything or at most have some friends to stay which is absolutely great and nothing to do with me. Apparently we make no effort for DSC birthday but spoilt our DC (we didn't do anything, I arranged it and myself and my family paid!). I would never stop DH from arranging anything like that for DSC, but he and ex never have and DSC have always seemed happy with what they do do.

It was the same when myself and DC went away with my parents for a week. DH stayed home and didn't come. But he got an earful about that because he "wasn't bothered about DSC getting a holiday". That's not true, we just can't all afford to go and my parents paid for me and DC to join theirs so I don't see why our DC should miss that opportunity.

It's gotten to the point now where DH prempts this and I can tell starts to worry about any perceived inequality between what I do for DC and what I do for DSC because the guilt trips from the ex work.

I feel like the whole onus is being put on me (and indirectly my family) to do everything the same for DSC as I do for my DC.

DH is a good dad and treats all of the kids the same. He doesn't do anything for one that he wouldn't do for the others. I of course do treat DC differently in some things because I'm a mother to him but not DSC, AIBU to think that's fine and he needs to stand up to this more not be guilted into feeling bad?

@Nocutenamesleft

I see where you’re coming from

But I’ve got a wicked stepmother and I KNOW that if my dad had a huge party or went to one for my stepsisters and not me (which to be fair they have). It’s really unfair.

I hate my stepsisters and my step mother. They get lots and I get left out.

Holidays sound the same too. Though my dad a,ways went. Wouldn’t bother me if my step mother went on holiday on her own. She frequently does.

But it’s harsh on the kids. It really is. Sorry. But it is.

I'm really really bloody sorry you felt left out and I don't know your back story.

But if it's anything like the OP - it's not her who is wicked- op clearly cares about her SC. You got failed by your parents, and for that I'm sorry I am (grew up in blended family too) but as adult you cannot see everything through a child's lense anymore.

You have to put the blame at the people who are actually accountable door. Being angry at your step siblings for something they had no control over is not going to help you heal or do you any good.

I'm not saying there aren't evil sm that lock their kids under the stairs but this OP isn't one of them.

Listen to the collective voice. Most of us even if we disagree on finer details are looking fairly poorly at the people responsible for creating the inequality a dad that doesn't do much and a mum blaming everyone else but herself.

YANBU. She wanted control, so you stopped trying as much. Now she wants you to try more because it’s “unfair”.

I’d remind her of this and then just pay any attention to her. She just wants a stick, any stick, to beat you with. You cannot please her.

So do what makes you happy and let her be bitter.

*not pay any attention

Was any family money used to contribute to the holiday and birthday party OP?

@Lndnmummy

Forget the ex, but I am wondering why you are not more concerned about the emotional wellbeing of your dsc. It would never occur to me to have a different style birthday party for a biological child than dsc. I just couldn't compehend that. Never. These are children and they will be on high alert on being sidlined. Forget the ex, why are YOU not more consious of the children and their feelings?

Because she is not their parent. They have two parents who's job it is to decide and pay for this stuff. Since when did this become the stepparent's job?

@Lndnmummy

Forget the ex, but I am wondering why you are not more concerned about the emotional wellbeing of your dsc. It would never occur to me to have a different style birthday party for a biological child than dsc. I just couldn't compehend that. Never. These are children and they will be on high alert on being sidlined. Forget the ex, why are YOU not more consious of the children and their feelings?

How on earth does that work? You'd never use a different style of party?

What if the older DSC are happy with a low key sleepover rather than a big soft play party like a younger child?

@WinifredTheWondrous we can indeed ! My fav aunty was called Winnie 😭😭 now I'm getting all reminiscent of her lovely lemon cake 🍰

Also I really do have to say DP needs to go in the bin for his failing as a father but also he sounds bit unkind to OP. She must be feeling likes she's trapped in third circle of hell.

Unless DH’s ex is throwing birthday parties for the OP’s child, I don’t think she’s being unreasonable in not throwing parties for her DSCs. They have parents who are responsible for them, should be celebrating birthdays etc. Does ex expect her parents to give presents to OP’s child?.
Does OP get to dictate where ex goes on holiday, or have a hissy fit if she takes the DSCs away with her? Does ex offer to take OP’s child with them?
I think not.

lndmummy

So if DSC mother decides her DC can only have a bowl of gruel and a balloon for their birthday, that is what OP has to do with her child?

Crazy

@Lndnmummy

Forget the ex, but I am wondering why you are not more concerned about the emotional wellbeing of your dsc. It would never occur to me to have a different style birthday party for a biological child than dsc. I just couldn't compehend that. Never. These are children and they will be on high alert on being sidlined. Forget the ex, why are YOU not more consious of the children and their feelings?

Because DM has told her in no certain unmistakable way to back off. She isn't there parent.

OP is respecting the wishes of Dm and also doing DSD a kindness by not putting them in that nasty choice of party or upsetting mummy. That is the definition of thinking of her SDC emotional well-being.

And it's a good thing too because my poor half/step sister suffered years at the hands of this war. It did not end well.

It's fuck all to do with your husband's ex-wife what you do with your kid. It sounds to me like you have a good relationship with your stepchildren and your husband already ensures the equal treatment of his children, which is fine as that's his job not yours.

You and your family shouldn't be made to curb your commitment to your own child just because your husbands ex is a spiteful cow. Ignore her and ensure that whatever you do with your own child is not discussed in front of your stepchildren so as not to get back to her. But, frankly, even if it did, it's still none of her business.

What if the older DSC are happy with a low key sleepover rather than a big soft play party like a younger child?

Exactly. How old are your SC, OP?

If anyone should step up in your household is your DH. He can do holidays and parties and whatever else contributing time, effort and money , in combination with the mum of course. They are the children's parents.

Does she make sure your child doesn't miss out when she organises something for her DC?

@Staryflight445

This is why I couldn’t ever have a child with someone else.

Surely you can understand her point op? Her children don’t get birthday parties, but your partner is fine and happy to do that for his child with you despite knowing his other 2 can’t have the same?

He sounds a bit rubbish to be honest.

Her children don't get birthday parties? What's stopping her from organising her children's birthday parties herself since she's their mother? Since when have the organisation of birthday parties fallen to the stepmother and not the child's actual mother?

I'm sure the mother would soon complain about being pushed out or that the stepmother was being inappropriate with boundaries if she went ahead and took it upon herself to start organising parties.

If anything it sounds like the stepchildren's mother is just bitter and spiteful because she's never been arsed to do anything like organise birthday parties for her kids and now she's concerned the OP is making her look bad by comparison.

If DP didn't organise parties when he was with the ex why the fuck does she think he'll bother now?

It's not clear from your OP where this is coming from? Is it their mum making comments to you directly, or through your DH and SDC?

On one hand I don't think yabu, but your post is quite vague, maybe much of this is communication issues from your DH. I think of course children will wonder why they don't have a big party or a holiday, but then how old are they? Has anyone actually discussed with your SDC how they feel?

Are all involved that the holiday and party were paid for by your family?

No she doesn’t get to dictate what you choose to spend your money on. If you want to throw a lavish party for your child that’s up to you. She could buy her child a pony and it would have nothing to do with you, or your husband. She’s jealous and is trying to make you feel shit because she feels guilty.

Why did your DP and his ex split up?
Why isn't the ex organising anything?

@PingedPotato

If DP didn't organise parties when he was with the ex why the fuck does she think he'll bother now?

Or to rephrase - if neither of them bothered why is it the OP's job to do the shitwork?

And thinking about it we’ve had these threads before where the second family of the DH cannot afford to put the child through private school and the ex tries to demand her/their children are also put through private school. Of course the private school was being paid for by the second wife abd second wife’s family so it STILL has nothing to do with the ex.

Or to rephrase - if neither of them bothered why is it the OP's job to do the shitwork? exactly!

Oh GOSH OP don’t you know step parents are not allowed to do anything nice for their own kids, with their own family, on their own.. all that they earn, want and must do is for the step kids.. your family must also bend over backwards to fulfill everything they may or may not want! Yes they have their own parents with their grandparents and extended family from the mums side .. however, YOU step mum are not allowed to have a life! Esp on Mumsnet..

You are doing nothing wrong and your dh needs to tell ex that she chose not to allow you to parent SC and now she can’t get jealous if you personally do for your own child with the help of your family.. she has no legs to stand on in this matter ..

@User7312019

I get what you’re saying and I’d fully agree for smaller things - if you took your child to an activity or Randy m randomly treated to a gift. But the two examples you have given are for pretty big events a birthday party and a holiday and I can see why that feels like they’re being treated differently.

So OP should have taken the step kids without either of their parents going? And why can't either of their parents organise a party?

If there is one adult in this scenario, whose job this absolutely is NOT, it is the op.

I think they do probably feel a bit guilty about not bothering for their own dcs and also think they've found a patsy in the op, to do their parenting for them. Pfft