To want to correct dh's interactions with DC?

[Sam020]

I need to start by saying that dh is a great father and very involved and affectionate. He adores ds. He gets Ds ready in the morning, puts him to bed and does a lot of the organisational stuff. Ds is very attached to him too.

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc. It's not nasty stuff but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

He hates me criticising him though. He's super sensitive and thinks I'm calling him s bad parent. I'm not. I think he's a good parent but could be better. And when it comes to the kids why not try to be as good as you can?

I try and pick my battles and only mention something when I think it's truly damaging. I try to model more playful (and more effective I believe) ways of dealing with things. I try not to say it in front of ds as he feels that undermines him and we need to present a united front. He still doesn't like it.

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books like "how to listen to little children" and similar and I'd like him to read them as well as I find the technique very effective.

Sorry this has become more of an wwyd rather than an aibu but yes, what would you do? Keep quiet to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting your partner's feelings?

I want to tell him gently without hurting his feelings but how?

How would you feel if your husband said you weren't a good enough mother, and tried to control how you parent your son?

He sounds deeply over-sensitive and precious and honestly, not that great a father. You’re not allowed to ‘criticise’ him when he’s ignoring his kids and on his phone? Or when he’s criticising them, being harsh or comparing them unfavourably to other children??

He sounds like the sort of father the kids will learn to walk on eggshells around, something it seems you’re inadvertently modelling.

@Neron

How would you feel if your husband said you weren't a good enough mother, and tried to control how you parent your son?

Yes, so that's the problem..I don't mean it like that but it comes across like that. I do tell him he's a great dad but that gets lost in the criticism.

By the way if dh suggested improvements to my interactions with Ds (and sometimes he does though admittedly not often as I do) I take them on board and if I agree I change my behaviour.

I think there's no place for ego when it comes to the kids. We both want what's best for them. If dh has a better method I accept that and try to adopt it.

How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot and he told you you where wrong?

If anything you need to sit down and come up with a middle ground.

I came on to say exactly what Tonyschoco said.

It’s his feelings being hurt versus your child’s emotional health.

@Neron

How would you feel if your husband said you weren't a good enough mother, and tried to control how you parent your son?

She isn't saying he's not a good dad and trying to control him.I suggest you read the post properly.

Sam020 is quite rightly concerned regarding some of the things her DH is doing that affects her DS such

*Ignoring him in favour of his phone (no one should ever ignore a child for a phone)
*Being unnecessary harsh&comparing him to other children (can be emotionally damaging)

Sam020 wants to try to improve things between her DH and DS so they have a better relationship.

I think that comparing children to others is very damaging and I certainly think that’s worth a conversation of ‘we shouldn’t do this.’ Phrasing things as ‘we’ rather than ‘you’ is helpful.

I know I’ve had this with Dh and junk food and it’s a complete pain so I sympathise.

@Tonyschoco

He sounds deeply over-sensitive and precious and honestly, not that great a father. You’re not allowed to ‘criticise’ him when he’s ignoring his kids and on his phone? Or when he’s criticising them, being harsh or comparing them unfavourably to other children??

He sounds like the sort of father the kids will learn to walk on eggshells around, something it seems you’re inadvertently modelling.

That's what I'm worried about. The thing is though that the good massively outweighs the bad. The comparison stuff I think is very damaging but it only happens like twice a year or so. He does a lot for the kids especially now that I'm busy with the baby. But because he spends so much time with ds now I want him to use (what I think are) more effective and (possibly) kinder methods.

Parenting is a many layered job, I'm not sure anyone is an expert, even the experts!

but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

This sounds a bit like a 1:1 appraisal at work.
How would you feel if he said your approach is too lackadaisical and passive, and he'd been reading 'parent power' (have no idea if they exist!) books and this was how he wanted to parent?

If the good massively outweighs the bad and twice a year he compared your child and is otherwise a lovely invested kind dad then I wouldn’t raise it.
FWIW with the 24/7 nature of parenting I’m sure I have done and said things that when calm and settled I never normally would but at the end of your tether etc no one is perfect. If you feel he is daily chipping away at your sons confidence obviously step in. If he’s a lovely kind dad and every so often says ‘why don’t you walk nicely like Sarah’ or ‘I wish you’d sit still at the table like your brother’ I wouldn’t say anything.

Could you encourage him to read a parenting book? I realise that might be a bit of a hard-sell. My DH read about 3 pages of the Phillipa Perry one.

@MichelleScarn

but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

This sounds a bit like a 1:1 appraisal at work.
How would you feel if he said your approach is too lackadaisical and passive, and he'd been reading 'parent power' (have no idea if they exist!) books and this was how he wanted to parent?

Like I said I'd be open about it and I would think about it and possibly change my behaviour. I have done so in the past.

I think he does feel though as if he's being appraised "constantly" (though I don't correct constantly) and found wanting. That's not my intention but at the end of the day I want what's best for the kids and if I think that some of his parenting needs improvements then I need to find a way to tell dh for the sake of the kids.

@vincettenoir

Could you encourage him to read a parenting book? I realise that might be a bit of a hard-sell. My DH read about 3 pages of the Phillipa Perry one.

Yes, that would be ideal. I want to do that but now it will look like I'm giving him Homework or criticising him by stealth..I mean a bit passive aggressive. I might just send him the link and say this is where I get my methods from. He's also super busy with work, health isn't good, etc.

There is so much criticism and controlling of fathers on MN. Can you imagine if a man came on here to complain about the way a mother parented her child. There are so many posts from mothers saying how wonderful they are as a parent compared to their mothers, sisters in law and MILS.
Teachers are encouraged not to constantly tell off but instead to praise, praise, praise when a child does something right. We are told that 90% of comments should be positive. The mantra is catch them being good and reinforce how well they are doing.
The same in the work place. How many women on here would feel 'picked on' if someone wanted to over police their work.
OP, look at your relationships at work and at home. Do you have a tendency to look at the faults of others before considering that you too have faults that need working on?
You catch more flies with honey

@larkle

There is so much criticism and controlling of fathers on MN. Can you imagine if a man came on here to complain about the way a mother parented her child. There are so many posts from mothers saying how wonderful they are as a parent compared to their mothers, sisters in law and MILS. Teachers are encouraged not to constantly tell off but instead to praise, praise, praise when a child does something right. We are told that 90% of comments should be positive. The mantra is catch them being good and reinforce how well they are doing. The same in the work place. How many women on here would feel 'picked on' if someone wanted to over police their work. OP, look at your relationships at work and at home. Do you have a tendency to look at the faults of others before considering that you too have faults that need working on? You catch more flies with honey

Yes, maybe I should find a way of praising more but then how do you praise a grown man's parenting without sounding patronising?

I mean if I said "I really liked the way you handled ds' tantrum today" I think it would sound unnatural and insincere.

And how do I criticise when I need to?

My dh was like this, got it from his parents who were authoritarian. I never challenged him in front of the kids but would ask to talk to him in private when the dust was settled.
Establish first that it is important you are pulling in the same direction from a parenting point of view if he agrees with that and that your parenting styles differ then you are in a position to agree that the stance/style you both wish to take needs discussion.
Talk in general terms of principle of the parenting you both should do (lead not dictate, model respect for others feelings to that includes the child's etc). My dh agreed that authoritative parenting (so leading but not sergeant major orders) was ideal for the clear expectations and boundaries but with the trust that the child wants to do the right thing, (as opposed to authoritarian which gives no choice or voice to the child).
Then we talked about specific examples and how they didn't match that aspiration, he developed self awareness that his knee jerk reactions learnt as a child were not in line with his adult wishes (which we had established in prior discussion). Then he was open to me nudging him /reminding him what he was aiming for, this came with him doing the same for me if I fell short of our goal, so it wasn't all on him (though he needed it more than me), contradicting in front of the kids didn't happen, but raised eyebrows they couldn't see which meant 'what about that authoritative parenting we discussed' did, and checking in with each other and reflecting on what should or shouldn't have happened for the joint goal of mutual agreed parenting style did.

@larkle

There is so much criticism and controlling of fathers on MN. Can you imagine if a man came on here to complain about the way a mother parented her child. There are so many posts from mothers saying how wonderful they are as a parent compared to their mothers, sisters in law and MILS. Teachers are encouraged not to constantly tell off but instead to praise, praise, praise when a child does something right. We are told that 90% of comments should be positive. The mantra is catch them being good and reinforce how well they are doing. The same in the work place. How many women on here would feel 'picked on' if someone wanted to over police their work. OP, look at your relationships at work and at home. Do you have a tendency to look at the faults of others before considering that you too have faults that need working on? You catch more flies with honey

Also, no, I'd never criticise anyone at work mostly because I've got imposter syndrome and think everyone is so much better at their work than I am.

I find that my methods at home though they work and they are kinder and more respectful. I think and read a lot about parenting and I think it should always be based on respect and kindness.

The playfulness doesn't come easily to Dh. He wants ds to just listen especially when he's tired or in pain but I think he listens faster if we acknowledge his feelings, etc.

@TopCatsTopHat

My dh was like this, got it from his parents who were authoritarian. I never challenged him in front of the kids but would ask to talk to him in private when the dust was settled. Establish first that it is important you are pulling in the same direction from a parenting point of view if he agrees with that and that your parenting styles differ then you are in a position to agree that the stance/style you both wish to take needs discussion. Talk in general terms of principle of the parenting you both should do (lead not dictate, model respect for others feelings to that includes the child's etc). My dh agreed that authoritative parenting (so leading but not sergeant major orders) was ideal for the clear expectations and boundaries but with the trust that the child wants to do the right thing, (as opposed to authoritarian which gives no choice or voice to the child). Then we talked about specific examples and how they didn't match that aspiration, he developed self awareness that his knee jerk reactions learnt as a child were not in line with his adult wishes (which we had established in prior discussion). Then he was open to me nudging him /reminding him what he was aiming for, this came with him doing the same for me if I fell short of our goal, so it wasn't all on him (though he needed it more than me), contradicting in front of the kids didn't happen, but raised eyebrows they couldn't see which meant 'what about that authoritative parenting we discussed' did, and checking in with each other and reflecting on what should or shouldn't have happened for the joint goal of mutual agreed parenting style did.

Wow yes that's exactly what I want. How did you initiate that first conversation?

We've spoken about different parenting styles but don't agree. We both think we are being authoritative but I think he's authoritarian and he thinks I'm permissive.

Your “feedback” does sound quite formal and overbearing so I’m not surprised your DH feels sensitive, however well meaning you are.

Personally I’d let what you consider to be minor infringements go and perhaps focus on any major areas. So if he’s on his phone for 10 mins while your DC watches a programme let that go, if he’s comparing him to others, or overlooking a safety issue then that’s fair criticism.

@Tonyschoco

He sounds deeply over-sensitive and precious and honestly, not that great a father. You’re not allowed to ‘criticise’ him when he’s ignoring his kids and on his phone? Or when he’s criticising them, being harsh or comparing them unfavourably to other children??

He sounds like the sort of father the kids will learn to walk on eggshells around, something it seems you’re inadvertently modelling.

Mostly came on here to say this.

He sounds like my exh. Consequently our DC are constantly on eggshells around him. And you cannot pull him up on anything or you're calling him a bad parent rather than protecting a child's emotional well being. Horrible.

You can't control everything, the child is shared between you.
If the child is happy, safe and attached to their father I'm not sure what the issue is.
Also "correct" really isn't the right word.

This seems to happen a lot. If you believe your partner is a good parent but not perfect let him get on with it.

@KatherineSiena

Your “feedback” does sound quite formal and overbearing so I’m not surprised your DH feels sensitive, however well meaning you are.

Personally I’d let what you consider to be minor infringements go and perhaps focus on any major areas. So if he’s on his phone for 10 mins while your DC watches a programme let that go, if he’s comparing him to others, or overlooking a safety issue then that’s fair criticism.

What feedback? Could you be more specific please?

You can't make him parent the way you do.

And it maybe that others wouldn't agree with you.

Unless DS is upset or is being treated differently to his siblings, butt out