To want to correct dh's interactions with DC?

[Sam020]

I need to start by saying that dh is a great father and very involved and affectionate. He adores ds. He gets Ds ready in the morning, puts him to bed and does a lot of the organisational stuff. Ds is very attached to him too.

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc. It's not nasty stuff but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

He hates me criticising him though. He's super sensitive and thinks I'm calling him s bad parent. I'm not. I think he's a good parent but could be better. And when it comes to the kids why not try to be as good as you can?

I try and pick my battles and only mention something when I think it's truly damaging. I try to model more playful (and more effective I believe) ways of dealing with things. I try not to say it in front of ds as he feels that undermines him and we need to present a united front. He still doesn't like it.

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books like "how to listen to little children" and similar and I'd like him to read them as well as I find the technique very effective.

Sorry this has become more of an wwyd rather than an aibu but yes, what would you do? Keep quiet to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting your partner's feelings?

I want to tell him gently without hurting his feelings but how?

You could try putting the latest series of Supernanny US on, saying you want some tips? Then you can both learn together? Then it’ll not be you seen as criticising him?

@Edda09

You could try putting the latest series of Supernanny US on, saying you want some tips? Then you can both learn together? Then it’ll not be you seen as criticising him?

Parenting advice from Supernanny

@Edda09

You could try putting the latest series of Supernanny US on, saying you want some tips? Then you can both learn together? Then it’ll not be you seen as criticising him?

The OP and Supernanny are polar opposites! That woolpack up her DH, so never going to happen!

Woolpack?? Would back!

I had a very similar situation (that I didn't handle well at the time, boiled over into and epic argument where, let's just say I wasn't communicating effectively)
In the end after the big blow out and we both calmed down, I ended up asking what it would take for us to get on the same page with the kids. We ended up sitting down and I explained alot of instances from my own childhood that had lasting effect on me as an adult. Those times specifically are why I treat the kids the way I do. Once I humanized the interaction DH seemed to 'click' with what I was getting at.
Unfortunately there is a super fine line between suggestions and overruling or interfering with another parents way of doing things
Try to sit down In a calm moment, maybe with these books and put it across as 'this is very important to me as a parent and our children, that we get this right now so that we have happy well adjusted kids' then take it from there and try to be as open as possible in listening to his side of things even when you disagree

She’s changed from how it used to be here; she’s updated her techniques.

@MammaMacgill87

I had a very similar situation (that I didn't handle well at the time, boiled over into and epic argument where, let's just say I wasn't communicating effectively) In the end after the big blow out and we both calmed down, I ended up asking what it would take for us to get on the same page with the kids. We ended up sitting down and I explained alot of instances from my own childhood that had lasting effect on me as an adult. Those times specifically are why I treat the kids the way I do. Once I humanized the interaction DH seemed to 'click' with what I was getting at. Unfortunately there is a super fine line between suggestions and overruling or interfering with another parents way of doing things Try to sit down In a calm moment, maybe with these books and put it across as 'this is very important to me as a parent and our children, that we get this right now so that we have happy well adjusted kids' then take it from there and try to be as open as possible in listening to his side of things even when you disagree

This is very important to me as a parent and our children

This implies it's not important to him, which it is. They are just two different people with different parenting styles, no one is better than the other.

@treesandsheepeverywhere I disagree, you should be able to say to your partner that your values matter, there's no implication it's not important to him. It's a blatant statement that it matters to me. And if something matters to you especially relating to your children you should and can say that without it causing a problem. Relationships are all about communication and values. Shes already pointed out he obviously does care and is a good dad she literally has a couple of points of concern which should be able to be discussed without the other person feeling threatened. It's quite telling when folks act overly threatened or insulted, it's usually because they actually recognize these issues already but don't enjoy having them pointed out 🤷🏻‍♀️

Hi op, this is about parenting styles. It is also about gender, in that you both have assimilated parenting styles according to gender as well as your specific backgrounds. What I see a lot is that women tend to read the books, listen to gran, great gran etc…and formulate the way they would like to parent. Men just do whatever happens to occur to them… this is obviously a generalisation and there are people of both genders who don’t behave like this.
For you I suggest you open an honest conversation to talk about what kind of parenting you both feel suits you as individuals. And accept the differences in the conversation. More oh I see this is what you think rather yes but….
Please remember you can never be perfect, constantly striving to be, can be very very hard work. Personally; seeking to evolve is a given for me, BUT there is also a need to spend time just being.
I’m not sure whether your partner is intellectually stimulated by being a parent, or, maybe he thinks you don’t have to change at all. Lots of people think that it’s some kind of ‘sellingout’ if they ‘allow’ the advent of children to change their lives in any way.. they don’t seem to wonder why they’d have kids if they didn’t want something to change?!other things to consider..yes it is best if both parents sing from the same songbook, but children also need to understand that individuals have their own ways of doing things. as long as you don’t put the other person down for doing things differently to you then it’s fine to have A does it this way and B does it this way. Just be very clear.
Ie jumping up n down on the sofa at home maybe ok, but not at other peoples houses.
Open a conversation and not a lecture.enjoy your kids and your husband.

I am like you OP and have read (listened on audible) lots of parenting books. my DH is more open to suggestions on how he handles things than yours sounds, but id rather he just read the books so I didnt have to say anything. what we do find useful are the "refrigerator sheets" from books, you can Google the book title with "refrigerator sheet" and something usually comes up. we printed and laminated them for quick reference.

All the posts suggesting this is simply a difference in parenting styles as if acting towards you child the way the father does is a style

Some people have very low standards and no idea how to protect themselves and their children

@claymodels

All the posts suggesting this is simply a difference in parenting styles as if acting towards you child the way the father does is a style

Some people have very low standards and no idea how to protect themselves and their children

Agreed.

He is being a Dad. He may be a counterpoint to your softmess and kindness but if he is not being rough or cruel he may provide a degree of discipline that is not at all a bad thing. Your son has to live within a protective family but should not always be the centre of it and come first; he will learn that parents can sometimes be bossy and unreasonable.
However, something is upsetting you so you need to discuss this with your husband and come to an understanding with him. Tell him that his behaviour is unfairly making his son very unhappy at times.

@claymodels

All the posts suggesting this is simply a difference in parenting styles as if acting towards you child the way the father does is a style

Some people have very low standards and no idea how to protect themselves and their children

Or they are aware that they only have the OP's word that the father is 'excessively harsh' etc. As many people have said, it could well be that the father is being perfectly fine, just firmer that the OP likes, and she has interpreted this as being too strict, things that he is criticising or is unsympathetic or that he ignores the child. But really, none of us knows. To a soft, gentle parent, perfectly normal ways of speaking and disciplining might be too harsh. So it might well be a different style of parenting.

Equally, it might be harsh and horrible. But we can't tell from only one person's viewpoint, especially when that person is totally convinced her way is the only right way, and will describe all other methods as being negative and inferior.

So no, it doesn't mean low standards. It means not wanting to judge things until we are sure we have a more objective picture.

Or they are aware that they only have the OP's word that the father is 'excessively harsh' etc.

Obviously. But as per any post on here we can only go on what we are told.

No, we can also look at the likelihood that the OP is telling something in a fairly biased way, and tailor advice accordingly. So someone saying that everyone else is horrible and has low standards for not agreeing that the OPs partner, described by her as 'overly harsh', is awful. People are saying that actually, maybe he is not 'overly harsh' when seen more objectively. And that's quite an important point.

We often don't just take the OP at face value (which is a good thing, given how many people just make stuff up on here anyway!), but tell them that their perceptions could be inaccurate. Sometimes it's important to point out that things aren't necessarily the way the OP has perceived them and respond based on that.

@SaltedCaramelHC

No, we can also look at the likelihood that the OP is telling something in a fairly biased way, and tailor advice accordingly. So someone saying that everyone else is horrible and has low standards for not agreeing that the OPs partner, described by her as 'overly harsh', is awful. People are saying that actually, maybe he is not 'overly harsh' when seen more objectively. And that's quite an important point.

We often don't just take the OP at face value (which is a good thing, given how many people just make stuff up on here anyway!), but tell them that their perceptions could be inaccurate. Sometimes it's important to point out that things aren't necessarily the way the OP has perceived them and respond based on that.

I absolutely take things at face value. Often we can read between the lines and see a deeper issue for certain situations but I'm never going to read a post and decide the OP actually meant something completely different.

To a soft, gentle parent, perfectly normal ways of speaking and disciplining might be too harsh

Absolutely. And - equally - if your approach is more “no nonsense”, then a gentle parenting response can appear completely ineffectual and just as potentially damaging. Maybe the OP’s DH is expressing his concerns somewhere else about his wife’s suboptimal parenting?

I think people are making a more subtle point, though, than saying that the OP meant something completely different. They are saying that the way the OP sees things - what she firmly believes - is that her partner is too harsh, but people are saying that it doesn't make that true. The OP has shown in many ways that she has a very fixed way of seeing things and believes her way is always right. That in itself gives information about the way she thinks and perceives things, and is a bit of a red flag to people - it suggests that she might not be able to see things entirely objectively, or from his point of view. It doesn't mean that she is deliberately saying something different from what she means, but that she doesn't really consider these other possibilities. It can be quite important for her to have that pointed out, rather than people just validating that what she sees and says must actually be the way things truly are in reality. We know that she sees them like that, but it doesn't mean her impressions are true. Many people are thinking beyond the superficial description of what she says, and asking whether she has actually made mistaken assumptions.

@claymodels

Or they are aware that they only have the OP's word that the father is 'excessively harsh' etc.

Obviously. But as per any post on here we can only go on what we are told.

But as the OP gave specific examples they became weaker (and the one v example of someone behaving really oddly was her). She then started talking about the child being scared and him being continually snappy, which is quite different, but her original examples were a very mild and very occasional comparison to another child and the fact that the DH wants the child to go downstairs in the morning without having to play a game to cajole him into it. Which is why people questioned the OP's view that he was clearly parenting inadequately and should do it all like she does (or, more accurately, exactly as the books she's read tell her to).

@Sam020 - you sound really patronising OP. Room for improvement? Really. If that were a man writing about a woman there'd be hell to play.

You are not his boss in a job where he needs to achieve optimum performance. He has a good relationship with his ds. He might not do everything the way you do or perfectly but family life is imperfect. Most parents don’t have identikit approaches and it’s fine. Why ratchet up the tension and be a nag?