To want to correct dh's interactions with DC?

[Sam020]

I need to start by saying that dh is a great father and very involved and affectionate. He adores ds. He gets Ds ready in the morning, puts him to bed and does a lot of the organisational stuff. Ds is very attached to him too.

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc. It's not nasty stuff but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

He hates me criticising him though. He's super sensitive and thinks I'm calling him s bad parent. I'm not. I think he's a good parent but could be better. And when it comes to the kids why not try to be as good as you can?

I try and pick my battles and only mention something when I think it's truly damaging. I try to model more playful (and more effective I believe) ways of dealing with things. I try not to say it in front of ds as he feels that undermines him and we need to present a united front. He still doesn't like it.

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books like "how to listen to little children" and similar and I'd like him to read them as well as I find the technique very effective.

Sorry this has become more of an wwyd rather than an aibu but yes, what would you do? Keep quiet to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting your partner's feelings?

I want to tell him gently without hurting his feelings but how?

@Tonyschoco

He sounds deeply over-sensitive and precious and honestly, not that great a father. You’re not allowed to ‘criticise’ him when he’s ignoring his kids and on his phone? Or when he’s criticising them, being harsh or comparing them unfavourably to other children??

He sounds like the sort of father the kids will learn to walk on eggshells around, something it seems you’re inadvertently modelling.

This.

He doesn't sound great at all.

He sounds like a bully too because he shuts you down.

His behaviour is really damaging.

You sound like you walk on eggshells?

Do you?

Because if you are afraid to bring things up?

That is a very unhealthy, emotionally abusive relationship.

In a healthy relationship you are NOT afraid to talk about issues.

@MichelleScarn

* It recently happened actually where da wanted to do something perfectly normal and I didn't want him to because of personal triggers from my past and dh supported me saying that Ds can't do it..I wasn't happy. I was clearly being irrational and I'd have preferred if dh had told me so and stepped up for ds.* What? So basically just tell him "do exactly what l say when I want you to and we'll be ok, even if what I say in 5 mins is exactly the opposite of what I've just said. I'll still be in the right whatever happens"

Not really. I always want him to tell me when I'm doing something with or to ds that he thinks is wrong or hurtful to ds.

I want to be able to tell him as well.

The da is Ds. Typo. I asked my son not to do something which I shouldn't have done and I wouldn't have minded if my husband had told me so.

You say you want to present a united front when with your DC, so tell DH afterwards if you think he did something wrong, but criticise your DH for presenting a united front when you did something, you afterwards thought was wrong.

You're always in the right because you read some books?

You might just find that parenting naturally works better for your children.

You don't need to correct your husbands parenting. You also don't need to regularly praise his parenting either, especially if you're only doing it so you can caveat it with a "but..."

You do sound very controlling and like he could never win either way.

What happens if he reads a parenting book that suggests a different kind of parenting to yours? Or is he only allowed to read the books you suggest?
What makes you think those authors know best?

Impossible to judge this without specific examples.

What are your views on discipline? It sounds as though dh is stricter but is that such a bad thing? You say he's much better than you at organising your son, getting the logistics sorted. Children actually feel more secure with firm rules and a parent in charge. Children also don't need constant undivided attention from adults at home.

If dh does a lot of the parenting and he wants to go on his phone (while you're there) what's the issue? Dd doesn't need constant entertainment from you both.

I suspect you've gone too far into "parenting method" theories. Your posts are peppered with pyschobabble references.

If dh does something to annoy you just ask him to stop it e.g. ; come on mate stop criticising ds' Lego building, give him some praise

You're even approaching normal couple interaction with great psychological overanalysis. You don't need a strategy or "rules" for normal family interactions.

I think you're being unreasonable. You say they have a great bond so just let him parent the way he wants to parent. If my dh started picking apart my parenting I'd be livid and vice versa.

Jesus Christ you sound like hard work.

@Knifeandfawkes

There is a lot of value in having parents who take different styles. As these can be used effectively in different situations. It's hard to tell from your posts but my gut feel is you are being a bit unfair here, it sounds like you are constantly appraising him which to be quite honest would piss me right off of DH did it to me. My DH can be far more authoritarian than me which is sometimes helpful (and sometimes not!) whereas I am more touchy/feely/let's vocalise our feelings and work through them type parent...both have their place and it's about recognising that and optimising the mix and using them at the right time.

When you say he's comparing to other DC,what does he say? In my mind 'Look at Hugo using the potty like a big boy, maybe you can try?!' is quite different to 'You're still a big baby in nappies, Hugo will laugh at you'

It's the former (comparison). Like I said, it's not nasty but ideally I think there should be no comparisons.

And a lot of the stuff I let go thinking it's different styles of parenting but with some things I do think I'm right and my way is better (and faster).

Eg in the morning he'll endlessly tell ds to get up because he's getting late increasingly getting more and more annoyed. Whereas I have a bit of a chat with Ds, acknowledge that school can be boring, and then make some sort of game of going down the stairs. His method takes upto twenty minutes (according to him). Mine takes five minutes and leaves both of us in a good mood.

You sound insufferable

It's the former (comparison). Like I said, it's not nasty but ideally I think there should be no comparisons.

So twice a year he makes a very minor comparison to another child, as millions do, and that’s one of the things you want to correct?

In the nicest way - you need to relax.

Between that and you wanting him to correct you (so he can’t do right for doing wrong) I’m not surprised he’s being defensive.

That’s massively controlling.

That comparison could be called encouragement instead.

Bet the teachers love you, calling school boring. Do you tell them what to do too, are you that parent!

Not really. I always want him to tell me when I'm doing something with or to ds that he thinks is wrong or hurtful to ds
Yet you think your way is the only model way so why would you change your ways to adopt one you don't think is best?

The only way forward is to accept that there isn't 1 good method of parenting. Many good adults with good values were raised by very different parents believing in different parenting methods.

As long as yours are not extreme, then you should trust your partner and let him parent as he believes to be right and you do the same making both of you complementary rather than judging each other. Hopefully with time, you'll see yourself aligning more and more.

I'd say the best thing you can do is lead by example. If he sees playfulness working for you, he'll be more likely to try it next time he is struggling.

I think you need to leave him be. You've said yourself that he's a good Dad and that he has a good relationship with DS.

Noone parents perfectly, and while you're seeing his faults, you're probably not seeing your own.

It's hardly going to scar your kid to have to wait a couple of minutes to have their question answered because Dads on his phone. And if the other stuff is only happeneing a couple of times a year, then you've not got an issue.

You carry on like this and you'll end up with one of two things happening, either DH will back out of family life as much as possible in order to avoid doing something wrong and invite your ire.

Or, he'll just start tuning you our, and then you won't be able to get through to him when he really does seriously misjudge something.

And please stop shoving the parenting books down his throat. Noone wants to read a book they're being forced to.

Out of interest, how is your relationship with your parents? I'm wondering if there's something deeper here thats feeding into your anxiety to "not damage your kids"

@SmileyClare

Impossible to judge this without specific examples.

What are your views on discipline? It sounds as though dh is stricter but is that such a bad thing? You say he's much better than you at organising your son, getting the logistics sorted. Children actually feel more secure with firm rules and a parent in charge. Children also don't need constant undivided attention from adults at home.

If dh does a lot of the parenting and he wants to go on his phone (while you're there) what's the issue? Dd doesn't need constant entertainment from you both.

I suspect you've gone too far into "parenting method" theories. Your posts are peppered with pyschobabble references.

If dh does something to annoy you just ask him to stop it e.g. ; come on mate stop criticising ds' Lego building, give him some praise

You're even approaching normal couple interaction with great psychological overanalysis. You don't need a strategy or "rules" for normal family interactions.

I think I'm strict too but I enforce rules in a kinder and more understanding way. I'm probably even more of a stickler for rules than dh is.

I don't say no unless I think it's important but when I say no I mean it and then make sure that we stick to it. For example, I'm quite strict about screen time. And if ds wants more and throws a tantrum I'll try to be understanding, acknowledge his feelings, etc but I won't give in or give him more screen time.

DH would probably say "stop crying. Crying won't get you what you want". I'll say something like "you are upset because you had so much fun watching pj masks. Now Screentime is over but you will have more tomorrow".

So yes, dh thinks I'm more permissive and a soft touch but I don't think I am. I am strict about enforcing boundaries but I do it more kindly I think and I don't get annoyed so quickly.

I don't mind if dh is on the phone when I'm around or even if I'm not but I think it's rude to be on the phone when you are having a meal together or are playing a game or when someone tries to tell you something..I wouldn't mind if he just said to Ds "hold on I'm busy now" but he'll just ignore him while ds keeps calling daddy (and it's not like ds calls him every five minutes). Or he'll pretend to listen to ds while looking at his phone and only make.token noises of understanding. Drives me bonkers.

Perhaps it’s just your word choice and writing style but you come across as someone who doesn’t know how to deal with an employee under their management. I think instead of thinking of it as delivering criticism to him why not start a conversation about something you have an issue with so you can have a discussion. He might not have thought of the possible effects of something he’s doing. And likewise be open to hearing what he says.

I think you sound manipulative and controlling. I also dont think "gently" talking your child through something as simple as getting out of bed in the morning sounds like great parenting at all. It sounds like pandering and it sounds like you want your DP to join you in a adopting a pushover style.

To be frank if I were your DP I would tell you to jog on.

Why is your parenting approach the valid one that should be the status quo?

@vivainsomnia

Not really. I always want him to tell me when I'm doing something with or to ds that he thinks is wrong or hurtful to ds Yet you think your way is the only model way so why would you change your ways to adopt one you don't think is best?

The only way forward is to accept that there isn't 1 good method of parenting. Many good adults with good values were raised by very different parents believing in different parenting methods.

As long as yours are not extreme, then you should trust your partner and let him parent as he believes to be right and you do the same making both of you complementary rather than judging each other. Hopefully with time, you'll see yourself aligning more and more.

I don't think my way is always the best and I have changed when someone has pointed it out to me, including when it comes to parenting. Eg DH told me that I'm screwing up Ds by playing all the time with him, I saw his point that ds has to learn to entertain himself so from then on I make sure that Ds spends some time every day playing by himself.

DH would probably say "stop crying. Crying won't get you what you want".

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that as handling of a tantrum.

Nothing whatsoever.

@MimiDaisy11

Perhaps it’s just your word choice and writing style but you come across as someone who doesn’t know how to deal with an employee under their management. I think instead of thinking of it as delivering criticism to him why not start a conversation about something you have an issue with so you can have a discussion. He might not have thought of the possible effects of something he’s doing. And likewise be open to hearing what he says.

Yes so that's exactly my question. How do you do that? How do you start this conversation without it sounding like criticism?

Surely all the parenting books you have read would have told you it is good for children to entertain themselves at times.

DH would probably say "stop crying. Crying won't get you what you want". I'll say something like "you are upset because you had so much fun watching pj masks. Now Screentime is over but you will have more tomorrow".

Both if these approaches sound fine. Your way is not the only right way. I think you need to back off. You are coming across as overly controlling and convinced you are right (even in your interactions on this thread). You'd drive me up the wall as a co parent.

I also see nothing wrong in that example. You opt to be more subtle,he is more straight to the point. Both are absolutely fine. If you get upset by things like this, you'll end up alienating him and I agree with the above poster, he'll just end up withholding from saying anything at all. It's just different styles.

@toomuchlaundry

That comparison could be called encouragement instead.

Bet the teachers love you, calling school boring. Do you tell them what to do too, are you that parent!

No I don't tell the teachers anything. But sometimes school is boring. And that's what I tell ds.."yes sometimes school is boring and sometimes it's fun. You can do things that are boring as well and sometimes you have to."

What's the point of telling him that school is always brilliant when he obviously doesn't think so?

But yeah it's true. Everything is always a big conversation with me.

I think you have to accept that you aren't right. You just think you are. But it doesn't make it so. You can keep thinking that your method is the best and your way makes everyone happier, but lots of people will look at your methods and be very annoyed at them, finding them cajoling and pandering and thinking that they are not necessarily in the child's best interests long term. You have to decide what the core values are, and how to compromise with a person who has different views on how to get there than you do - whilst accepting that his methods may be equally 'correct' to yours.