To want to correct dh's interactions with DC?

[Sam020]

I need to start by saying that dh is a great father and very involved and affectionate. He adores ds. He gets Ds ready in the morning, puts him to bed and does a lot of the organisational stuff. Ds is very attached to him too.

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc. It's not nasty stuff but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

He hates me criticising him though. He's super sensitive and thinks I'm calling him s bad parent. I'm not. I think he's a good parent but could be better. And when it comes to the kids why not try to be as good as you can?

I try and pick my battles and only mention something when I think it's truly damaging. I try to model more playful (and more effective I believe) ways of dealing with things. I try not to say it in front of ds as he feels that undermines him and we need to present a united front. He still doesn't like it.

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books like "how to listen to little children" and similar and I'd like him to read them as well as I find the technique very effective.

Sorry this has become more of an wwyd rather than an aibu but yes, what would you do? Keep quiet to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting your partner's feelings?

I want to tell him gently without hurting his feelings but how?

Some of the responses on here are a bit

So let me get this straight.. As long as the DH is parenting, OP shouldn't have any input in HOW he's parenting? Really? Even if some of it is clearly flagging as quite lazy or poor parenting? And she should praise him when he handles something well? Like you would a toddler? Positive reinforcement. Is that what I'm reading here? Christ.

I've said clearly on this thread that he loves ds as much as I do and wants what is best for him

Yet you don’t even have enough trust or respect to let him handle a tantrum simply without wanting to analyse and discuss it.

But just as on MN I want to have the option at home to discuss it rather than having to bite my tongue because I don't want to upset dh.

Perhaps your DH is fed up discussing it because you continually pick fault at him? Can you imagine how belittling and soul destroying that would be?

Not everything has to be a big discussion. Sometimes you just have to accept minor differences and get on with life.

@toastofthetown

I don't think critiquing his parenting will help, as that will just make him defensive. Would he read a parenting book? There are a few pitched at different levels, Unconditional Parenting is less 'useful' than How To Talk..., but if he's the kind of guy who would like to understand it might be better. Otherwise would he listen to podcasts (Janet Lansbury has a good one), blog posts, YouTube videos. Might help more than you saying (in his perception) I'm a better parent than you. And then you need to accept that he might not agree with the information and that just because his parenting opinion differs from yours doesn't make it wrong.

You said that saying "I really liked the way you handled ds' tantrum today" would feel insincere, but is there another way that you could phrase it so that it does. Maybe in terms of a 'thank you' than 'I liked'. Or comment on how quickly DS calmed down or how early he got him out of the door. But if he is happy with his parenting style then I don't think there's anything that you can do. I also don't think authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive are discrete labels. They are sliding scales and while he might lean more authoritarian than you, from what it sounds like he's a warm loving parent, not demanding perfection and punishing harshly and often when his unreasonable expectations aren't met.

Is unconditional parenting the name of a book? I'll look it up. I really like how to talk so kids will listen and why it's ok not to share. Anyway the problem is that his health isn't good at the moment and he's got a lot of stress (which also leads to him being impatient, easily annoyed and not fully present) so I'm not sure he'll have the time or energy to read much.

"Maybe in terms of a 'thank you' than 'I liked'. Or comment on how quickly DS calmed down or how early he got him out of the doo"

Yes, thanks I'll try framing it that way.

Perhaps your DH is fed up discussing it because you continually pick fault at him? Can you imagine how belittling and soul destroying that would be?

I'm sure this is how OPs 5yo feels when his dad compares him to other children. Or is it ok because he's just a kid and his feelings aren't as important as an adults? Thing is with a child it doesn't have to be 'continual' either, just here and there is enough to chip away at a child's self esteem.

I absolutely would call him out on that, and have done with my exh when he's like this with our DC.

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books
This is probably the problem.

Your description of your parenting style - all understanding and rationalising and explaining and talking through every damn thing at great length - sounds just like my children's father. He too has a stack of books on which he draws. The children have told me repeatedly that they find it really annoying, they prefer a bit of straight-talking and 'realness', not something that sounds like (and sometimes is) from a book. When we were together, I used to find it so draining myself to listen to him drone on at length as to why something was the case, instead of just saying 'this is how it is'. There is a time and a place and issues which require your approach, but it shouldn't be the default.

@Sam020 and if I agree I change my behaviour

but you are not letting your H have this choice ?

@theleafandnotthetree

Your description of your parenting style - all understanding and rationalising and explaining and talking through every damn thing at great length - sounds just like my children's father. He too has a stack of books on which he draws. The children have told me repeatedly that they find it really annoying, they prefer a bit of straight-talking and 'realness', not something that sounds like (and sometimes is) from a book. When we were together, I used to find it so draining myself to listen to him drone on at length as to why something was the case, instead of just saying 'this is how it is'. There is a time and a place and issues which require your approach, but it shouldn't be the default.

It works well with ds. When it stops working I'll do something else.

But basically what I'd like is to treat DC with respect and kindness. I'd like to treat them the way I would like to be treated (while enforcing rules and boundaries).

@KurtWilde

Perhaps your DH is fed up discussing it because you continually pick fault at him? Can you imagine how belittling and soul destroying that would be?

I'm sure this is how OPs 5yo feels when his dad compares him to other children. Or is it ok because he's just a kid and his feelings aren't as important as an adults? Thing is with a child it doesn't have to be 'continual' either, just here and there is enough to chip away at a child's self esteem.

I absolutely would call him out on that, and have done with my exh when he's like this with our DC.

Have you seen the OP’s example of his comparisons?

Twice a year ish saying normal things like “oh Hugo is a big boy using the potty would you like to try?” is not going to chip away at a child’s confidence…

Do you play with DS together eg lego, board games? Does that work with the 3 of you?

@toomuchlaundry

Do you play with DS together eg lego, board games? Does that work with the 3 of you?

Yes, loads. why?

Twice a year ish saying normal things like “oh Hugo is a big boy using the potty would you like to try?” is not going to chip away at a child’s confidence…

You have absolutely no idea what might upset an individual child. Also if it was 'normal' it wouldn't have flagged up to OP as being something she's concerned about.

There's also a massive difference between saying Hugo uses the potty do you want to try, and why can't you be like Hugo he's been potty trained for ages. And we don't know which version of this OPs DH would say.

@KurtWilde

Twice a year ish saying normal things like “oh Hugo is a big boy using the potty would you like to try?” is not going to chip away at a child’s confidence…

You have absolutely no idea what might upset an individual child. Also if it was 'normal' it wouldn't have flagged up to OP as being something she's concerned about.

There's also a massive difference between saying Hugo uses the potty do you want to try, and why can't you be like Hugo he's been potty trained for ages. And we don't know which version of this OPs DH would say.

Entirely normal interactions can flag up to people who are analysing anything. Much like the “wrong” handling of the tantrum - her DH’s way is a very normal way for many many people. Just not the OP.

We do know which of the versions he would use because the OP told us when someone asked her… she’s been very clear that there is nothing nasty or mean in the comparisons. She just doesn’t think there should be any comparison ever.

Having seen your examples, I think you are unreasonable.

If your examples were genuinely very harsh, overly authoritarian etc, it would have been different. But they aren't, and he just prefers a more direct approach.

All this 'let's make everything a game' might work when your little one is little, but I can assure you teenagers will give it short shrift.

There's no need to intervene here, your child is not at risk of abuse or emotional problems because his dad say stop crying, come on, get downstairs.

You believe yourself to be right because you think the most important thing is to get the thing done quickly and you match the books you have read but you are not correct- the most important thing in parenting is the bond. If your son is well bonded with his dad, and knows his dad gives him honest direct advice, then that's a great relationship. It doesn't have to be playful- that's what you are doing.

I don't think there's an issue here except your over-critical approach may upset your son or your husband and their bond, and that's not justified from the examples you have given.

I've said clearly on this thread that he loves ds as much as I do and wants what is best for him.

If he wanted what was best for him he would listen to him. Prioritise him. Not be unnecessarily strict or dismissive to him. He is just a child

Sometimes I think it can help to offer yourself up first - so asking if there's anything you do that he feels you might do better to alter, and then giving him the same level of feedback.

@KurtWilde

Twice a year ish saying normal things like “oh Hugo is a big boy using the potty would you like to try?” is not going to chip away at a child’s confidence…

You have absolutely no idea what might upset an individual child. Also if it was 'normal' it wouldn't have flagged up to OP as being something she's concerned about.

There's also a massive difference between saying Hugo uses the potty do you want to try, and why can't you be like Hugo he's been potty trained for ages. And we don't know which version of this OPs DH would say.

In all fairness he doesn't say things like "why can't you be more like Hugo". It's more like "Hugo is younger than you and he can already ride his bike". It's meant as encouragement but I think it's counterproductive. It's not the hill I'd die on though.

The getting annoyed and being short or snappy with Ds is what troubles me the most. Yes, I get control freaky about other stuff as well but maybe I should let those go.

But if you're expecting him to act exactly like you and to use the exact same phrases (which are very unnatural to a lot of people, and sound very fake and 'American' to most British ears) then really, you're expecting him to put on a performance constantly. Do you think that's a good way to form an authentic bond with your own child? I tried some of the How to Talk stuff but I felt like I was pretending to be a completely different person and ultimately I think parent is a relationship not a verb and so constantly feeling like I was putting on a show with my child isn't a way to build a relationship anymore than pretending to be someone else would be good for a romantic relationship - even if you're pretending to be someone they might like more!

@LittleGwyneth

Sometimes I think it can help to offer yourself up first - so asking if there's anything you do that he feels you might do better to alter, and then giving him the same level of feedback.

Yes that would be great but how do I suggest it without sh thinking im just looking for a way to sneak in criticism

It's more like "Hugo is younger than you and he can already ride his bike". It's meant as encouragement but I think it's counterproductive.

That's quite belittling for a child and I'd absolutely have words with anyone who said that, parent or otherwise.

I'm also a bit confused about the age of your DS, and wonder if that's partially because you're babying him. E.g. here:

Eg in the morning he'll endlessly tell ds to get up because he's getting late increasingly getting more and more annoyed. Whereas I have a bit of a chat with Ds, acknowledge that school can be boring, and then make some sort of game of going down the stairs. His method takes upto twenty minutes (according to him). Mine takes five minutes and leaves both of us in a good mood.

You talk about school, but then also about 'playing a game of going down the stairs' - that's the sort of stuff you do for toddlers, though? I'm quite surprised a school-age child will even entertain it!

I agree with the comment above "Let him be the father and you be the mother".

Maybe that might be construed as old fashioned, but the main point is he doesn't need a parent that's an identikit version of you.
I don't think your dh sounds "1950s authoritarian". If your son is pushing the boundaries you've agreed on (e.g. screen time) and having a tantrum, it's fine to ignore that behaviour or shut it down. I'm not sure you should reward that with lots of attention.

It's great that you want to acknowledge your ds' feelings and make him feel valid but not necessary in every situation. Sometimes you do have to be the parent not the friend. (I'm sure you know this).

It sounds as though your son has 2 loving affectionate parents who have agreed on boundaries for your son.

I wonder if you're a perfectionist Op? You seem to be setting yourself a high parenting bar, seeking reassurance from parenting theories and worrying unnecessarily about minor very common family frictions.

It sounds as though you have a happy secure child so the proof is there right?

It sounds like you are lecturing him with whatever stuff you've read in that book, if you think he's a good parent then leave him get on with it, unless you think anything he does is abusive of course

Following! Similar situation here.

@Hardbackwriter

But if you're expecting him to act exactly like you and to use the exact same phrases (which are very unnatural to a lot of people, and sound very fake and 'American' to most British ears) then really, you're expecting him to put on a performance constantly. Do you think that's a good way to form an authentic bond with your own child? I tried some of the How to Talk stuff but I felt like I was pretending to be a completely different person and ultimately I think parent is a relationship not a verb and so constantly feeling like I was putting on a show with my child isn't a way to build a relationship anymore than pretending to be someone else would be good for a romantic relationship - even if you're pretending to be someone they might like more!

That's the thing. For me it comes naturally. Those books probably gel with me because they feed into how I do things anyway though I think I've learnt lots of specific tips from them as well

Yes, you are right that if they don't come natural to Dh he shouldnt do them and Ill stop pushing them

But getting annoyed and short or being inattentive is different. I don't you can say that I'm a short tempered person so being annoyed is natural to me and that's why I should do it.

The other thing I don't like is using rewards and punishments all the time. They are very effective but give the wrong message I think so should be used sparingly. I do think we should rather explain.DH uses them a lot. Is that something I need to let go as well (genuine question)?