To want to correct dh's interactions with DC?

[Sam020]

I need to start by saying that dh is a great father and very involved and affectionate. He adores ds. He gets Ds ready in the morning, puts him to bed and does a lot of the organisational stuff. Ds is very attached to him too.

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc. It's not nasty stuff but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

He hates me criticising him though. He's super sensitive and thinks I'm calling him s bad parent. I'm not. I think he's a good parent but could be better. And when it comes to the kids why not try to be as good as you can?

I try and pick my battles and only mention something when I think it's truly damaging. I try to model more playful (and more effective I believe) ways of dealing with things. I try not to say it in front of ds as he feels that undermines him and we need to present a united front. He still doesn't like it.

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books like "how to listen to little children" and similar and I'd like him to read them as well as I find the technique very effective.

Sorry this has become more of an wwyd rather than an aibu but yes, what would you do? Keep quiet to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting your partner's feelings?

I want to tell him gently without hurting his feelings but how?

@Sharletonz

You can't control everything, the child is shared between you. If the child is happy, safe and attached to their father I'm not sure what the issue is. Also "correct" really isn't the right word.

The kids are definitely safe, no doubt about that whatsoever. Ds is attached but then kids take a lot of crap from their parents (especially.at this age) because they have to. We are not in "dysfunctional attachment" territory at all but I think it would aid the kids' development and also make daily life more pleasant if dh changes some of his behaviours.

If a man used the thread title you have his arse would be minced and handed back on a plate.

Not your job to 'correct'

@Nanny0gg

You can't make him parent the way you do.

And it maybe that others wouldn't agree with you.

Unless DS is upset or is being treated differently to his siblings, butt out

Haha yes, I want him to parent the way I do. That is the truth.

Not with regards to everything. A lot of the things he does much better than I do (eg logistics, organisational) but I'm better with the emotional stuff..

I think the emotjonal stuff is so.important to kids though. I want us to build ds self esteem and confidence and I'm sure he wouldn't agree with me but I think some.of the things he does erode ds' self esteem.

Just because it is written in a book doesn’t mean it’s right. Or that it’s the right approach for everyone.

I hate to be the one to break it to you but he doesn’t have to parent your way

You’re not his manager and his relationships with his children are his to have as he sees fit.

If you don’t want to wind up a single parent you might want to focus on improving your relationship with him instead of improving him

You sound v controlling and to be honest, a bit of a nightmare helicopter parent

I think considering yourself to be 'correcting' his actions, asking to 'speak to him in private', 'trying' not to criticise his parenting in front of the children and taking issue with things that happen twice yearly, so likely accidentally, is the problem here.

I'm getting annoyed on his behalf!

@Nanny0gg

If a man used the thread title you have his arse would be minced and handed back on a plate.

Not your job to 'correct'

Possibly and part of the reason why I posted is to ask if people think that I am being unreasonable in wanting to correct his behaviour. I could say "change" but I feel "correct" is more honest. I don't want to sugar coat what I do or want just to get more sympathetic replies.

It is my job though to do what's best for the kids and I do think that the kids' emotional development is more important than dh's feelings. None of us are perfect parents but shouldn't we strive to be better? As good as we can?

I can see both sides here - comparing kids and prioritising his phone isn't good, but if it doesn't happen often, I'd let it slide.

On the other hand I would be on the lookout for it getting worse. My late husband started off as a great dad, but as soon as DD2 was born he became very authoritarian with DD1, almost as if he was expecting her to behave like a much older child (she was 2). We had a lot of arguments about his expectations and he refused to take on board anything the 'experts' said, because this was how he had been raised by his own parents.

We got through that and he did learn that calmer methods worked better, but it all went to shit as soon as the DDs became old enough to stop being cute, compliant little girls and this time it didn't change. If you'd heard him talk about his DDs, you would have thought they were totally out of control - in trouble at school, low achievers, rampaging around the streets like vandals. The opposite was the case - but they were teens and they occasionally said 'fuck'. That was enough to make them 100% bad in his eyes.

Needless to say the marriage didn't last - there was alcohol in play as well - but he did a lot of damage before it all ended. Keep a sharp eye out.

If the children are safe, well fed, and basically happy and developing normally, I'd try and accept that you have different styles and both bring something different to the family. It's not unusual for one parent to be more permissive/kinder/gentler than the other. A bit like good cop, bad cop. As long as it's not crossing a harmful line, things will probably end up OK.

By all means keep communicating about how "we" are parenting. But you'll both find your way.

Comparison isn't great ... but if it slips out twice a year, I doubt it's going to become a major issue.

The feedback is how you describe interacting with him. As someone else said it comes across as if you are giving him a work appraisal.

Your last response to NannyOgg is very sensible. Maybe you should just agree to play to your strengths. Focus on the things that you both do best. The division in our household is very similar, I’m more emotional and intuitive, my DH is much more black and white and structured. Neither is wrong, neither is always right, but different occasions benefit from varied approaches.

I actually don't think there's anything wrong with picking someone up on certain behaviours, especially ones that might have a negative impact on your DC. 'Correct' is probably the wrong word to use though.

For example, my exh is constantly comparing our youngest DC to other kids, and it makes her feel like shit. She's told him it makes her feel bad, and his response was that she should improve then if she didn't like his 'feedback'. She's 11. The last thing she needs at this age is negative self image. So damn right I'm taking him to task on that kind of behaviour towards her, because it's bloody awful parenting!

Just because someone gets it right most of the time doesn't mean we should let them get away with being shitty the rest of the time! You wouldn't accept it in your personal relationships as an adult, why should kids have to accept it from a parent?

By the way if I did something that dh thought wasn't good for the kids I'd want him to tell me. I don't even want him to take.my side when I've got a disagreement with ds and he thinks I'm.wrong. I want us to do what's best for the kids. We are adults. We need to be thick skinned when it 's for the kids' benefit.

It recently happened actually where da wanted to do something perfectly normal and I didn't want him to because of personal triggers from my past and dh supported me saying that Ds can't do it..I wasn't happy. I was clearly being irrational and I'd have preferred if dh had told me so and stepped up for ds.

I have 4 children and to begin with, with my first, I felt like you - in that I saw parenting as a sort of ‘job’, something that can be analysed, appraised, criticised, praised etc. I used to always give myself marks out of 10 for each day and think how I could improve my performance, and did the same when watching my DH with our DD.

4 children later I have come to realise that it’s just not like that. You are just a normal person with strengths and weaknesses , things on your mind, worries, anxieties, likes, dislikes etc etc and you’re just doing what nearly every other person in the world is doing - raising a child. As long as you’re usually kind, good company most of the time and fulfill their basic needs, everything else is just dependent on your current situation or your personality. So he’s on his phone sometimes..yeah maybe it’s nice for the child if he’s constantly listening but they’ll get over it! And he compares to other children - yeah it may or may not upset the dc but life is a competition! Whilst it’s not what you’d do, there’s no harm in being introduced to the notion that others will be better at stuff than your dc.

There’s no one type of good parent, we are all different and so will act differently with our children.

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc.

All of these can be 'major' and over time they progress and can be quite damaging. You say you don't want to upset your DH but the idea that a good father would behave like this towards their child is a bit mad. Advocate for your child because he only gets one childhood and there in lie the foundations of his life. Fuck not wanting to upset a defensive man. Any good parent would be able to listen here, actually any good parent wouldn't need intervention.

Also keep in mind that when your DS is 16 and you want to lay down some red lines about behaviours that could harm him, your husband's more "authoritarian" style might actually end up coming in quite handy. As they grow, there are times when being pleasant isn't what's needed.

I don't understand what the problem is with two parents discussing how to parent their child. Surely it's the ultimate be long term collaboration project?
DH and I pull each other up on things often, because we both want to do the best by our child. Neither of us are perfect and nobody gets their knickers in a twist about it.

Your OP reads as if you are a parenting expert and very much in charge, and have employed DH as an assistant or deputy type role, and are doing his 6 month evaluation. He isn't performing as well as you'd like so you're trying to come up with strategies to encourage him to become more like you.

In reality I suspect that you two have different parenting styles, and that he thinks you're too soft and a massive control freak. I have no idea if he's right about the first point, but he would definitely be right on the second point.

How old are DC?

I think you are married to a bully, you need to call it out

Dismissing his son's feelings, comparing him to other kids and ignoring him in favour of his phone is pretty bad. What does 'super sensitive' mean? Can he not handle criticism? He doesn't sound that great tbh. What kind of person does he want his son to be, an adult that's not in touch with his feelings and full of resentment that he's not a good enough person?

@Neron

How would you feel if your husband said you weren't a good enough mother, and tried to control how you parent your son?

This

Sorry OP But this is just awful. You sound terribly judgmental and sanctimonious

@Sam020

By the way if I did something that dh thought wasn't good for the kids I'd want him to tell me. I don't even want him to take.my side when I've got a disagreement with ds and he thinks I'm.wrong. I want us to do what's best for the kids. We are adults. We need to be thick skinned when it 's for the kids' benefit.

It recently happened actually where da wanted to do something perfectly normal and I didn't want him to because of personal triggers from my past and dh supported me saying that Ds can't do it..I wasn't happy. I was clearly being irrational and I'd have preferred if dh had told me so and stepped up for ds.

Blimey! He can't do right for being wrong!

It recently happened actually where da wanted to do something perfectly normal and I didn't want him to because of personal triggers from my past and dh supported me saying that Ds can't do it..I wasn't happy. I was clearly being irrational and I'd have preferred if dh had told me so and stepped up for ds.

So even when you’re in the wrong, actually it’s your DH who’s in the wrong again

Living in a household where his adored father figure feels constantly appraised and ‘found wanting’ sounds GREAT for your son’s self-esteem though so that’s good.

@Bellringer

I think you are married to a bully, you need to call it out

What?