To want to correct dh's interactions with DC?

[Sam020]

I need to start by saying that dh is a great father and very involved and affectionate. He adores ds. He gets Ds ready in the morning, puts him to bed and does a lot of the organisational stuff. Ds is very attached to him too.

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc. It's not nasty stuff but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

He hates me criticising him though. He's super sensitive and thinks I'm calling him s bad parent. I'm not. I think he's a good parent but could be better. And when it comes to the kids why not try to be as good as you can?

I try and pick my battles and only mention something when I think it's truly damaging. I try to model more playful (and more effective I believe) ways of dealing with things. I try not to say it in front of ds as he feels that undermines him and we need to present a united front. He still doesn't like it.

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books like "how to listen to little children" and similar and I'd like him to read them as well as I find the technique very effective.

Sorry this has become more of an wwyd rather than an aibu but yes, what would you do? Keep quiet to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting your partner's feelings?

I want to tell him gently without hurting his feelings but how?

So you didn’t want your DC to do something and your DH supported you, and he is in the wrong!

@Bellringer

I think you are married to a bully, you need to call it out

If anyone is the bully here it's the OP - she's sounds incredibly emotionally manipulative and controlling

My DH was the same. Everyone wants the best for their child so seeing them talked to or treated in a substandard way is really stressful. We got through it by not criticising on the spot, but having calm conversations when the kids weren’t around to talk about how we wanted to be as parents and raise our kids. My DH didn’t want to be a shouty stressful parent and we found ways to work as a team to manage the high stress situations together more calmly. I don’t have a suggestion if your DH doesn’t see anything wrong with how he parents though sorry…

@Sam020

By the way if I did something that dh thought wasn't good for the kids I'd want him to tell me. I don't even want him to take.my side when I've got a disagreement with ds and he thinks I'm.wrong. I want us to do what's best for the kids. We are adults. We need to be thick skinned when it 's for the kids' benefit.

It recently happened actually where da wanted to do something perfectly normal and I didn't want him to because of personal triggers from my past and dh supported me saying that Ds can't do it..I wasn't happy. I was clearly being irrational and I'd have preferred if dh had told me so and stepped up for ds.

Tbh that makes it sound like he can’t really win.

When he does things different to you you want to correct him, but when he backs you up then he’s also in the wrong.

People have different parenting styles. You have to accept that. Unless something in dangerous or a massive issue then you should be accepting that as their father he has an equal right to you to parent how he sees fit.

Children are also very perceptive. If, as you say, playfulness doesn’t come easy to him then your child will know that it’s being faked. My grandad wasn’t playful (I lived with my GP’s from 7) and he was stricter than Nana, but he was him. He was a good parent and I adored him.
Your husband comparing him to another child twice a year isn’t something you need to spend lots of time correcting.

Let your husband have his kind of relationship with your child.

From what you’ve described he doesn’t sound like a great father. Did he have a particularly harsh upbringing himself. I did but I parent the other way as I never wanted to fall into the same cruel trap.

Your husband needs to tweak his parenting definitely. Ignoring your son’s feelings, being unnecessarily strict and comparing him to other children is a sure fire way to erode your son’s confidence. I think your son’s emotional well-being trumps your husband’s sensitive little soul.

@Peanutbuttercupisyum you are very wise

I think if you'd come on here and said: my husband is harsh with the children, over-disciplines, compares them unfavourably with others and so on, what shall I do and do you think this is damaging, you'd have had people queuing up to tell you that, yes, it is damaging for little kids to have quite harsh parenting over the years, and it will create a lot of trouble in the future, esp the teen years.

It's because you tried to solve the problem by suggesting he improve/read books, everyone sees you as trying to control him

Actually, controlling him might do your kids a huge favour.

I don't think we can really judge without examples, you might think he's overly harsh, might seem reasonable to others, or we might be horrified by his harshness.

OP, I think you have you own answer using the word 'criticise'. How would someone feel if their boss wanted to criticise them all the time? It is so patronising and negative.
What worked for our family was me going back to work and my husband doing lots more of the day to day parenting. I remember coming home to him sitting on the sofa between the children watching tv with them. I pointed out that while they watched TV he should be doing lots of household chores. He pointed out that he was a much a parent as me and had the right to parent in the way he thought best. It did stop me stepping in the whole time to criticise and correct him.
If you separated and divorced, he would have time alone with his children to parent in the way he thinks best. Think about the fact you dislike him being unduly authoritarian with the children and then think about your negative, critical approach to him and fatherhood

Sorry OP but I think you are being overbearing and I strongly get the impression your parenting style is "there there darling it's okay" when said child is behaving horrendously. You sound like a helicopter parent. You don't need to supervise him watching his own children. You are going to end up a single parent at this rate and then you will be in for a shock. Maybe he thinks you are too lax and he's trying to make up for it? You may not say anything in front of the kids but they will pick up on your hovering and disapproving looks when they think they are just having a nice time with their dad.

I’d make it about me rather than about him. I.e “oh I’ve found DS responds really well when I say x”
Instead of books, what about podcasts? DH likes to listen to one on headphones while he cooks or cleans.
I’d also be concerned that you’ve said you’ve got kids plural but only talking about how your DH parents DS. Is there something else going on there? Scapegoating one child? Or is it that this is the older of 2 and he’s interacting more with them while you care for baby?

You sound a bit over controlling about how your child should be parented. Maybe ask your husband's opinion a bit more? I have a friend who was so controlling over her children that her husband pretty much gave up trying to do stuff with them.

Also yes you should be complimenting him as well. Compliments need to significantly outweigh criticisms generally and if you have to make stuff up and it sounds fake then so be it 🤷‍♀️ Once you get in the swing of finding things to compliment him on it becomes easier and he should do the same for you too.

I also think some of the behaviour described on here as awful parenting is blatantly what a lot of people will be doing. If you get a message that you need to read - whether it’s a logistical arrangement that needs attending to straight away, a work email, a call you need to answer, do none of you say “hang on a sec darling - I need to deal with this, you’ll have to wait”. And have none of you ever said things on stressful school
mornings like “of course you can get dressed on your own, you’re 6 years old, I’m sure everyone else in y2 can!” I mean seriously, how is stuff like this particularly awful parenting?!

@claymodels

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc.

All of these can be 'major' and over time they progress and can be quite damaging. You say you don't want to upset your DH but the idea that a good father would behave like this towards their child is a bit mad. Advocate for your child because he only gets one childhood and there in lie the foundations of his life. Fuck not wanting to upset a defensive man. Any good parent would be able to listen here, actually any good parent wouldn't need intervention.

Yes that's exactly my worry.

I don't think though that a good parent wouldn't need intervention or should automatically do everything correctly. I've learnt a lot from books (though a lot of the methods also intuitively appeal to me because they gel with what I believe).

@Peanutbuttercupisyum

I also think some of the behaviour described on here as awful parenting is blatantly what a lot of people will be doing. If you get a message that you need to read - whether it’s a logistical arrangement that needs attending to straight away, a work email, a call you need to answer, do none of you say “hang on a sec darling - I need to deal with this, you’ll have to wait”. And have none of you ever said things on stressful school mornings like “of course you can get dressed on your own, you’re 6 years old, I’m sure everyone else in y2 can!” I mean seriously, how is stuff like this particularly awful parenting?!

So that's what I do..if I need to send a message or look up something I'll tell ds so and ask him to wait for five minutes.

DH just ignores Ds. Well, I think he actually doesn't hear him becauze he's engrossed in whatever he's doing on his phone..I think once in a while it doesn't matter but I don't want him to do it when he's for instance playing with ds or having a meal with him..I want him to work (and he always tells me that it's work he's doing on his phone) when he's working and to be fully there when he's with Ds. How would anyone like to have a meal with someone who's on their phone or play a game when the other person is more interested in their phone.

Both of us excessively use our phones. I'm as addicted to it as he is. But I don't when the kids are around. When I'm doing something with them I give them my full attention or tell them when I can't.

I think the most effective way to deal with that would be to have a general discussion on parenting and how to best support the emotional health of your dc.

Then you could both have some input and discuss (hopefully nit in a ‘you are undermining me….’ way) how to best tackle things.

The problem I can see coming is that you’ve thought about it, read books, asked yourself what you want to achieve with your parenting whereas i suspect he hasn’t and is reproducing the way he was raised. So he might well struggle to defend his pov, explain why he thinks his way his better etc… which will trigger again the feeling he is under attack :(

It recently happened actually where da wanted to do something perfectly normal and I didn't want him to because of personal triggers from my past and dh supported me saying that Ds can't do it..I wasn't happy. I was clearly being irrational and I'd have preferred if dh had told me so and stepped up for ds.*
What? So basically just tell him "do exactly what l say when I want you to and we'll be ok, even if what I say in 5 mins is exactly the opposite of what I've just said. I'll still be in the right whatever happens"

There is a lot of value in having parents who take different styles. As these can be used effectively in different situations. It's hard to tell from your posts but my gut feel is you are being a bit unfair here, it sounds like you are constantly appraising him which to be quite honest would piss me right off of DH did it to me. My DH can be far more authoritarian than me which is sometimes helpful (and sometimes not!) whereas I am more touchy/feely/let's vocalise our feelings and work through them type parent...both have their place and it's about recognising that and optimising the mix and using them at the right time.

When you say he's comparing to other DC,what does he say? In my mind 'Look at Hugo using the potty like a big boy, maybe you can try?!' is quite different to 'You're still a big baby in nappies, Hugo will laugh at you'

Bold fail
it recently happened actually where da wanted to do something perfectly normal and I didn't want him to because of personal triggers from my past and dh supported me saying that Ds can't do it..I wasn't happy. I was clearly being irrational and I'd have preferred if dh had told me so and stepped up for ds.

I think from this interaction, your dh is the one on eggshells

@AudHvamm

I’d make it about me rather than about him. I.e “oh I’ve found DS responds really well when I say x” Instead of books, what about podcasts? DH likes to listen to one on headphones while he cooks or cleans. I’d also be concerned that you’ve said you’ve got kids plural but only talking about how your DH parents DS. Is there something else going on there? Scapegoating one child? Or is it that this is the older of 2 and he’s interacting more with them while you care for baby?

Yes. So DD is just 3 months old so all of this is mostly relevant to Ds who is almost 5.

He loves ds as much as I do. I've got no doubt about that whatsoever.

It's even more relevant at the moment because dh is spending a lot of time with Ds because I'm busy feeding the baby.

Btw the looking at the phone is a pain and rude imo. I’m pretty sure that in a few years time, your DH will be pretty listed off his ds is ignoring him in favour of his phone. But money sees, monkey does… so….

I’d have more issues with the comparing him to other children, ignoring feelings etc…
All pretty much rooted in patriarchy and sexism and toxic masculinity. You’re going to have a really hard time to fight that. You are also totally right to want to fight it.

You sound like you're totally convinced that your way is the one true correct way to parent.

Maybe it's not necessarily better, or doesn't mean that it's better for him, or his relationship with his children.

Perhaps he thinks you're too soft on them, that by being 'playful' you are just faffing around and they won't take you seriously, or that you're wasting endless time cajoling them into doing something when they need to learn to get on with it, or whatever - who knows, because you are only seeing your side of it. Maybe he wants them to learn more independence, and to let him get on with something rather than needing interaction all the time, so sometimes ignoring them when he's on his phone might be good for them. Of course you will come back and say that none of this is true in his case, he is just ignoring them, being to harsh and so on - but the point is, you don't actually know and neither do we, as you only have your own perspective on it.

Maybe you actually need a compromise method of parenting, where you both change. You won't really know until you discuss it, as a joint project where you are coming up with the shared values that you are both trying to instill in the children in whatever way seem to work best. But I think it's better to see it as a 'both of us have to work on our style' rather than a 'my way is better' viewpoint.

I don't know that you'll be able to have a sensible conversation with him because you are pretty clear that you think you're right and your preferred outcome is that he does what you tell him. The problem is that he doesn't agree that you're the boss because you're not!

My DH and I have a lot of conversations about parenting. We will talk about something we are finding hard and discuss potential solutions - I am more on your end of things but I don't "correct" him because I genuinely don't think the sort of stuff that he does is in the territory of "wrong" it's ok that he does some stuff differently to me.

I've found talking about particular parenting choices collectively, rather than something only one of us does, is quite helpful. So we both say, 'The DC seem a bit upset when we do X - do you think we should try doing Y instead?' Then we can discuss the pros and cons without feeling either of us is guilty of an 'unwanted' parenting behaviour. Would that be possible?