To want to correct dh's interactions with DC?

[Sam020]

I need to start by saying that dh is a great father and very involved and affectionate. He adores ds. He gets Ds ready in the morning, puts him to bed and does a lot of the organisational stuff. Ds is very attached to him too.

So, it's nothing major that troubles me but little things, for example being too distracted by his phone to listen to Ds, being unnecessarily strict or harsh at times, dismissing ds' feelings, being very strict, comparing him to other kids, etc. It's not nasty stuff but there's room for improvement and there's the possibility to make his and Ds's life easier and more pleasant and improve their relationship.

He hates me criticising him though. He's super sensitive and thinks I'm calling him s bad parent. I'm not. I think he's a good parent but could be better. And when it comes to the kids why not try to be as good as you can?

I try and pick my battles and only mention something when I think it's truly damaging. I try to model more playful (and more effective I believe) ways of dealing with things. I try not to say it in front of ds as he feels that undermines him and we need to present a united front. He still doesn't like it.

I get a lot of my parenting techniques from books like "how to listen to little children" and similar and I'd like him to read them as well as I find the technique very effective.

Sorry this has become more of an wwyd rather than an aibu but yes, what would you do? Keep quiet to avoid confrontation and to avoid hurting your partner's feelings?

I want to tell him gently without hurting his feelings but how?

"If DH has a better method I would accept that".
But who is judging the better parenting - you? We all think our way is right otherwise we would not do it!

Are you sure ds wasn't playing you? They're clever little things. Dd would pretend she didn't think I loved her to avoid a telling off. Took me a while to get wise to that one. She seems to have survived despite my occasional bollockings

Just had a similar issue since DD because a teenager I felt hubster was being too harsh, expecting too much from her and not having fun. Felt like he was always critising her . I did tell him and he said he felt like I was appraising him and he couldn't do anything right. So we sat down properly and had a good discussion and he said he felt I was too soft and he was left to be the bad guy all the time. I said I felt he doesn't do enough fun things with her. So we agreed some things I would be harder on and agreed some fun things for them to do. It's worked really well. They do tiktocs together now! So maybe have that discussion because you wont be perfect either . Ask for his feedback and agree how you can develop together.

Funny enough, this happens with me and DH often where I think he could improve the way he interacts with DD. The way I tend to go about it is making it a point that both of us have to work on rather than telling him he is not doing it right.

For instance, he is very keen on punctuality and I can see this trait in his interactions with DD and could always seem like he's always hurrying her up. He gets frustrated by this, she gets annoyed by being rushed and the whole day just goes to shit from there. I basically address it as "we" need to be more patient with her and also throw in my own instances of when I was not patient with her as well. That way, it seems more like something for both of us to work on rather than me criticising him on his parenting style.

Good luck OP, parenting is indeed a learning process.

He is unnecessarily strict, harsh, dismissive, compares his son to others and the kid broke something by accident and was scared in case his father found out. That's not different parenting, it's unacceptable parenting and the child deserves better

Yeah I didn't realise there were 11 pages when I posted. However, gentle parents often think that stricter parents are too harsh when they aren't necessarily being so.

OP said he is rarely like that and is normally not 🤷🏼‍♀️. I would have told my boys off for some things when they were small that their dad possibly wouldn't have done, doesn't mean I was being horrible to them, he thinks I was too strict and I think he was too soft.

As was also pointed out by pp children often say 'don't tell mum/dad' doesn't mean they are scared of them.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. I agree with the whole gentle parenting thing. My husband was set on doing time outs so I had to show him loads of evidence why it wasn’t a choice I wanted to make. I also correct him when he’s overly harsh or dismissive (in my opinion) with our child.

Be careful of killing the enjoyment you both get from being around your children by questioning whether you’re text book parents. It would be way more damaging for your children to pick up on tension between the 2 of you than dealing with their dad making the occasional gaffe. Kids are resilient and don’t need perfect parents.

If couii ok d it don’t one reading things in books and bring over the top. She said they adore each other so maybe he’s the right one and she’s getting in his nerves.

That ended up being gobbledegook 😩

You need to put down and burn those stupid parenting books, they’ve been written by people (mainly serious feminist women) who don’t have kids.
Find your own way of parenting, both you and your hubby have to find some middle ground.

I had this with my partner, a loving dad but raised by an very "authoritarian" father and hadnt spent hardly time to around young children, so had vastly unrealistic expectations of a 2/3 year old "doing as they're told" i was a broken record for at least 6 months, saying "children dont even start to develop impulse control until they are 3"

One, dont make "suggestions" in front of kids and be careful how you phrase them when you do. "I was reading" or "I watched a video" is a better lead in than "I think you" which sounds more like you are judging his actions. (plus always use we should, not you should!)
I used to also send him short easy to read articles about "authoritative" and "positive/gentle" parenting and Tic Toc videos - if you get on the right side of tic tok there are fab people on there giving advice on how to raise emotional healthy kids and bonus, they are one minute long!
powerful.parenting is good, as is preschooltherapy and angerprofessor and a much as it can feel a bit forced, if you notice him trying out any of it and getting a better response, do acknowledge it in a complimentary way.
He sounds like a good dad, but there are many out there, raised in the 70- early 90's that believe you did as you were told and thats that (and we are all good responsible folk ...if entirely emotionally repressed! lol) and expect the same of their kids no matter how young.

I’d pick your battles and only confront when it’s really awful - like comparing unfavourably to other children.
The rest of the time just keep modelling good parenting and a calm rapport. He will see what works without you having to point out every thing.

Don’t forget to have the child read the books. I get irritated by people saying “but they book said”, no 2 children are the same and no 2 parents are going to interact with the children in the same way.

As with toddlers, a gentler way is to massively praise when he does something kindly or gently and try and ignore most of the less good stuff

I think I understand what you're saying OP. I have had some similar concerns about my DH and DC.

A couple of things that stand out to me...

Is your DH someone who learns through experience rather than theory? If so, you trying to give him 'feedback' even if not actively 'criticising' him might not actually get him to change. Does he need space to actually make his own mistakes?

Why does each of these interactions matter so much to you? I wonder if you can learn to step back and trust that things will work out well enough for your DH and DS in the future. I totally get that this is playing the long game - but you won't be able to control the outcome of his relationship with DS in reality. Only be there to support each of them with what they need.

It's easy to ignore posters when they say it sounds like controlling behaviour but really consider if that is the case for you and why that might be. It's not necessarily a bad thing but increased awareness may give you some peace.

Where are all these perfect parents hiding?!

Wrote a v long post in response to many things written on the thread by op and others but I will try and resist my usual style and say in summary considering all that's been said that I think this is actually a problem of ops creation.

Not consciously, I think there are elements of desperately not wanting to make the mistakes her parents made, possibly some post partum anxiety issues and an over reliance on these books she keeps mentioning (though I'm getting the sense it's ONE book)

I am not only a mother I have been sole caring for young children from the age of 14 and am a former nanny and childminder and have also been a youth worker in various guises. I've also read a number of books, articles etc on childcare and parenting myself.

Imo this is a case of different parenting styles BUT the op seems VERY resistant to accepting that and letting dh being the type of parent that suits him.

Ok I meant it to be short but not that short!

...

There are extremes of parenting - strict and passive/permissive and personally I think NEITHER extreme is good for kids

I come from a background of having grown up in a violent and abusive home myself but I've also observed and witnessed the effects of parenting which is too far the other way.

Both are not ideal and do harm. The advocates of very gentle very passive parenting won't like hearing this but it's true.

Kids need boundaries, they need to know who is in charge it makes them feel secure and cared for.

Taking too gentle an approach also does NOT prepare them for the real world.

In the real world people snap, criticise, they will have failures and disappointments.

Just as too strict parenting undermines their confidence in doing things for themselves due to too much criticism, too passive parenting prevents them from building self confidence in dealing with negative emotions and responses and stops them or hampers them in building resilient personalities.

TOO Gentle parenting (and by extension changes in school/teacher behaviour) ime has led to from my observations many aged 30 and under being unable or unwilling to cope with the many negatives that are very much part of life.

A 5 year old still from sounds of it regularly having tantrums or crying fits basically due to not getting his way is not appropriate.

That indicates to me that he has learned that this behaviour works to get him a reward. It may not be getting him the thing he's tantrumming about, but it gets him positive attention and ego stroking.

There are certain incidents op has described where frankly it's clear to me she is mollycoddling ds.

Most of the dhs behaviour is nowhere near as bad as she initially indicated it would be. Nor as frequent.

I think op is trying to justify her own parenting by framing it as better than dhs.

Parenting as pps have said is a relationship not a job or an experiment and it requires a balanced, logical approach.

I definitely err more towards ops side, but I have friends/family who err more ops side...but not as extreme.

The parents I know who parent the way op does, quite honestly the children are often insecure, lacking confidence, poorly behaved (especially in relation to collaborating with others) and even immature.

Pps who commented on such parenting causing future issues when the dc become teens are spot on and I've seen the effects/consequences of that too.

Firm but fair - old fashioned but true - is imo the best way to parent.

Neither op nor dh is perfect but neither are neglectful or abusive either...yet

I think op needs to be more firm and less passive and the dh COULD Perhaps be a little tiny bit more easy going

But - again agreeing with a few pps, I wonder if dh is subconsciously compensating for ops passivity.

I've also observed over the years that sensitive children tend to be so BECAUSE of passive parenting and not that they're helped by it.

Kids need to be able to cope with negative emotions in themselves and others, failure, disappointments, having to do stuff they don't wanna!

Ime and opinion gentle parenting does not achieve this.

It creates anxious, risk averse unadventurous people who can't take criticism.

Op has on numerous occasions commented about dh inability to accept criticism yet seems to me for the most part not really able to accept criticism herself. She has very carefully worded and chosen her responses, but basically she is absolutely adamant that she is right, dh is wrong and so are those of us either agreeing with or saying he isn't awful.

It's subtle but it's there

I think op you need to carefully consider WHY you are feeling this way. Could it be - at least in part - fuelled by post partum anxiety, adjusting to having 2 dc, guilt about dh doing more parenting with ds as you're seeing to the baby (unwarranted guilt definitely but I can see how that could happen) and perhaps also adjusting to ds your pfb no longer really being a baby as I think he's recently started school?

All very understandable, but not good reasons to vilify what sounds like a good, involved, engaged and loving father and as you yourself say his great bond with his son.

@Tigger1895 I had a hv like that at one point drove me nuts! It transpire not only was she not a mother she had zero actual experience in childcare! How the hell she thought being a hv was a good idea or those that hired her I don't know! Best hv I had was mother to 5 and ignored most of the official advice

I’ve just separated from my DH and one of the reasons was his over strict parenting style. If he said jump, he wanted them to ask how high!
He hated criticism too.
We were all walking on eggshells.
It affects children’s mental health this sort of parenting. It’s a horrible way to parent.

If I was your DH I'd be pissed off with you 'acknowledging that school can be a bit boring' instead of modelling excitement at education and learning. Does he get the opportunity to 'correct' you? You say he does but it doesn't necessarily seem like he might feel like he can.

@winniemum

I’ve just separated from my DH and one of the reasons was his over strict parenting style. If he said jump, he wanted them to ask how high! He hated criticism too. We were all walking on eggshells. It affects children’s mental health this sort of parenting. It’s a horrible way to parent.

But there's no indication this is the case. He's described as an engaged, loving parent who's maybe a little too strict (if we take op at face value) but has firm boundaries and a strong bond with his children. How do you think he feels having every interaction scrutinised and judged by the op's standards? If anyone's walking on eggshells it's him.

You sound very controlling. He is just as much a parent as you and can choose his own parenting style

In your view he’s too strict, maybe you are too soft. Stop reading parenting books, there’s no such thing as expert parenting.

You're your own worst enemy OP. Your child is loved yet you are scrutinizing every possibility of wrong doing from your dh. Different techniques will help your child grow up more rounded. What's the point of having two parents pandering to him when the real world isn't like that.
He's learning different skills etc from two different parents, you can't be identical to your husband.
You need to take a deep breath and realise you could be doing more harm than you are aware of.
You're not the correct one, work as a team.