To wonder why my wife can't make baby friends?

[SunshineDad2021]

I love my wife to pieces, and so do all my friends and family. She has a handful of close friends who she spends time with, but for some reason she hasn't been able to make any "baby friends", despite us doing NCT, baby classes and swimming.

We got a pretty rubbish group for NCT, which also happened to be virtual. Nobody wanted to meet up after, other than 2 girls, who then went on to be friends (they were acquaintances already...). The other groups and classes my wife tells me a lot of women go who know each other already OR they get up and leave and don't want to socialise.

She feels pretty shit about it sometimes. Literally nobody ever has a problem with her so why is it so hard for her to make mum friends to go to play dates, soft play etc with?

Not sure if it's the way she looks, if she's too introverted, or if she opens up too much.... or just that she's had shit luck at being in groups where people already know each other and don't want any more friends. Surely it's not just her that feels lonely?!

Have you made ‘dad friends’? Does your wife want ‘mum friends’, or do you think she should have them, I’m not really clear.

Of course everything being virtual will have made it more difficult to connect with people at NCT etc, but baby groups are meeting now if she wanted to go.

Your comment about whether it’s how she looks is odd

Bless her. It won't be the way she looks nor being introverted if she's able to smile and respond at least. I don't mind over sharers either.

We moved to a new area when I was on maternity leave. I had to grit my teeth and try a new group a day to make friends. Once I had a couple of friendly faces at each I was away. It is hard but worth it.

I found at baby groups you have to be pretty ballsy. Make small talk with someone sat next to you and then ask for their number and invite them out almost like the start of a new relationship.
If you don’t do that you can end up being vague acquaintances forever.

@LawnFever she wanted to make friends, she signed up to things to meet people. A friend prior to having a baby has made loads of new friends - NCT and classes. She has been to baby groups and other classes and comes back feeling a bit crap tbh. I wonder if people assume that because of how she is, she must not be lonely. It is hard to explain.

What a strange thing to worry about.

Sometimes you end up with people you gel with, sometimes you don't
🤷

Why does she need 'baby friends'?

I pushed quite hard for mum friends. I talked to people, a lot, started a lot of conversations, forced myself into others. I wrote down phone numbers, handed mine out, cold called them to make dates for swimming etc. I listened hard and when I went home I wrote down everything I could remember- names, partners' names, babies names, addresses, interests and work.

I would say as well that I wonder if she's expressed interest in the people she's met? I found the other mums fascinating, loved that it was a time in life where people were very open and talked far more. If she's focusing on whether other people like her, that's not the way to go imo. Does she like them? Is she interested in them?

@SpacePotato because she is a new Mum and wants friends....

You seem to pretty much explain why in your OP... not sure why you then go on to speculate about why to might be her fault.

I found it a lot easier to chat to people at toddler group type groups rather than classes with an activity. It is hard though especially as very few people seem to go without already having a friend there.

I didn’t make friends at the baby stage, our NCT didn’t come together and at baby groups people seemed to be with others they knew. I felt kinda rubbish too.

I started to make friends when mine were at nursery and school - so it did happen. Appreciate that doesn’t help your wife right now but maybe she’s just not met them yet.

I didn’t really know how to vote on this, but I sympathise with your DW and have experienced what you describe

I moved when I was pregnant and started going to a baby group when my son was just over a year old. Not many people spoke to me, the ones that did were grandmothers who were babysitting. Most of the mums there were a lot younger than me and already there with someone.
I made one friend after around a year who had just moved to the area. I thought the group was lovely but the mums were just clicky. The same when my eldest started school, no one really spoke to me at the gates and they all seemed to know each other already.
I don't really know the answer to be honest, I doubt it is her, people just like what they already know and are comfortable with.

Encourage your wife to persevere at the baby groups. Sometimes it can quite a while to break into friendships groups. Being introverted is definitely not a problem, introverts are great listeners and good at forming close friendships which endears them to most people.

Is she making the first move at all? I think sometimes you have to push a bit rather than wait for people to come to you. I don't mean be pushy, but make the first move, ask someone for their number, if they fancy a coffee sometime, if they want to come over for a play date. Also sometimes there are groups at baby clubs but there are usually people on their own too, and it's easier to approach people on their own than people who are clearly already friends and chatting as part of a group.

Why do you think the way she looks has anything to do with it?

Has she actually given her number out, gotten
others' numbers etc.? It sounds like she's shying away a bit if she thinks people already know each other or seem to want to leave straightaway. She's got to just get in there, chat a bit, say "we should take the kids to the park sometime!" - it's hard and awkward but eventually she'll find her mum bff or group.

I hated all that stuff tbh. You say she wants to though.

Have you asked why?

Is it for company, things to do, what exactly?

Because I can't think of anything that can't be got one way or another.

What is it she actually wants that she feels is missing?

I think the classes are hard to talk to people. I am a nanny and meet more people at the park or walking,

i have the same problem. either they dont have kids that match my kids or they just say hi and have a brief chat then leave. they dont share details or arrange playdates etc.

im hoping when mine go to school it will change

Can she invite different people to meet up?

Well, you've just said that you had a rubbish NCT group and nobody made friends, so it can't be your wife's fault!

Does she want friends? Is she lonely?

Give it time. She will meet loads of people as your dc grow up. Friendships will happen.

Nothing to do with how she looks. Sometimes it's just like that, and if you're not feeling particularly robust it can be really hard to break into established groups. She needs to keep going, and be ready to suggest meetups. Or look for new groups, and maybe take the pressure off herself and just enjoy them for what they are without trying too hard to find a friend.

I started a baby group 8 weeks ago (a 6 week course). In my head I'd planned to ask people to go for coffee after the second/third/4th/5th etc class. Never got round to it. I then missed the chance to sign up to that class again.

2 weeks ago I signed up to a different 6 week course. Week 1 a mum got everyone's numbers, made a WhatsApp. Arranged a coffee meet up for after class on week 2.

Im always happy to meet other mums. Im just not good at making the first move.

I think it’s really important to make friends with similar aged children, so I agree it’s something to work towards. I found stay and plays/playgroups easier to make friends in than baby classes. I had to actively arrange a coffee date/meet at the park though which was a bit of a challenge for me as it’s an unusual experience to actively befriend people. It did work though.

Even one good friend with a baby would be nice for her.

Church playgroups can be really friendly. I also found baby yoga people were open to meeting up too. Persevere!