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Original poster

To wonder why my wife can't make baby friends?

217 replies

SunshineDad2021 · 16/11/2021 21:55

I love my wife to pieces, and so do all my friends and family. She has a handful of close friends who she spends time with, but for some reason she hasn't been able to make any "baby friends", despite us doing NCT, baby classes and swimming.

We got a pretty rubbish group for NCT, which also happened to be virtual. Nobody wanted to meet up after, other than 2 girls, who then went on to be friends (they were acquaintances already...). The other groups and classes my wife tells me a lot of women go who know each other already OR they get up and leave and don't want to socialise.

She feels pretty shit about it sometimes. Literally nobody ever has a problem with her so why is it so hard for her to make mum friends to go to play dates, soft play etc with?

Not sure if it's the way she looks, if she's too introverted, or if she opens up too much.... or just that she's had shit luck at being in groups where people already know each other and don't want any more friends. Surely it's not just her that feels lonely?!

OP posts:
RampantIvy · 16/11/2021 22:13

I didn't make any "baby" friends, nor did I make friends at the first toddler group I took DD to. However, when we moved house I took her to a couple of different toddler groups, and made friends there. Our DC are at university now, and we are still friends.

Justgivemeamoment · 16/11/2021 22:13

No advice but I understand ! I was lucky with the NCT but then moved to a new area when my first one was one and just couldn't find anybody. I have never felt so lonely in my life.

I eventually did meet people but never became friends with any of them.

I know it seems far away but once the little one starts nursery and school it'll be so much easier to make friends with other parents as you'll already have something in common with thme.

Hang in there. I really feel for her Flowers

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 16/11/2021 22:14

You seem to be judging your wife and finding her wanting. The question should not be about a fault in your wife really and thats why I find you unreasonable

Meltedwellie · 16/11/2021 22:15

Friendships need to happen naturally. She should just think of it as being people she chats to at groups. That may progress to some of them being familiar acquaintances then from that some may or may not become friends.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 16/11/2021 22:15

She just hasnt found her people yet

521Jeanie · 16/11/2021 22:17

@Moomarre

I found it a lot easier to chat to people at toddler group type groups rather than classes with an activity. It is hard though especially as very few people seem to go without already having a friend there.
Yes I was going to say this. Nothing too focussed on an activity. Go to the same places each week and push yourself out there, talk to people and ask them about themselves. Invite people for a coffee or a walk, or even back to your place afterwards. It's just like dating - and like dating, comes easier to some than others.
Mum6776 · 16/11/2021 22:17

It's really hard if you don't already know anybody. It's hard because unlike work or college, you never get more than a minute at a time to speak before interrupted by dc. At a one hour a week playgroup session.

Pineappen · 16/11/2021 22:18

Why would the way she look explain it op?

WinterFirTree · 16/11/2021 22:18

I wanted to make friends as well but failed. I think in retrospect everyone is in the new baby bubble of trying to survive the baby years; stressed about the baby yeras; trying to work out how to negotiate the baby years and getting abck to work etc that there isn't alot of energy left.

I have never had any issues making friends in other areas.

And as my Dh said - just because you are now suddenyl flung together with people who had sex at roughly the same month of the year you did - it does not mean you actually have anything else in common.

It feels lonely though on occasion. I get it.

Raaaaaaarr · 16/11/2021 22:18

I don't think it has anything to do with your wife. It's just a shit situation. I recall people just leaving baby groups straight away and not socialising. My baby group was sort of ok but not really and so I never really made 'baby friends' either. I have no problem in every other part of life with makings friends etc but I think the baby world can be a bit forced etc. She could try a Facebook group meet ups perhaps to try and meet people for baby coffee that are different from her original NCT group perhaps?

AnyFucker · 16/11/2021 22:18

You seem almost offended by this Hmm

Wiltshire90 · 16/11/2021 22:19

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit

You seem to be judging your wife and finding her wanting. The question should not be about a fault in your wife really and thats why I find you unreasonable
I don't see the OP as "judging his wife" at all and am surprised by some of the responses. He hasn't indicated that any of the things he's considered are a problem, he's just trying to work out why it hasn't happened in the way they thought it might. That's all. And for those saying why would it be looks - come on, we all know live in a society that places value on looks and some people can be funny about those who are very good looking or not good looking. We all like to thing we aren't those people but clearly they do exist!
Summerfun54321 · 16/11/2021 22:19

Some really unhelpful comments on here for a guy concerned about his wife! Has she tried meeting people using apps such as Mush or Peanut? They’re pretty good.

Flippanty · 16/11/2021 22:20

I don’t get this ‘baby friends’ thing I don’t know why people seem to have this impression that new mums automatically all become life-long friends with each other. Tv and films have a lot to answer for, it’s not always just as straight forward as this in real life. I might make small talk with other parents at my kids activities but it would feel extremely awkward and disingenuous to try to force a friendship with them! I can understand that for people who are in a new place or have no support network then they might be looking for ways to connect with people. But if your wife has friends already then why would either of you be worrying about this? I have a few close friends who have been in my life, for years, through thick and thin. I can be 100% myself around them and don’t have to worry about if I’m saying the wrong thing or if they like me. I see no need to try and force friendships with people just because we have babies the same age. I know one person who made some close friendships at a mother toddler group and to be honest the friendships didn’t last once the kids started school.

sunflowerroses · 16/11/2021 22:20

Like some others, I made friends at a toddler free play type group rather than a class. Had more of a chance to chat than organised activities.

TartanDMs · 16/11/2021 22:21

I used to worry about this too. I didn't have antenatal classes (they were in the day time and I worked full time) but I did do a few baby groups in my local area after DS was born. I was the youngest in most of the groups (I was 21) and most of the women knew each other from the estate, I didn't socialise with anyone from the area previously because I was shy and didn't know how to make friends really, so nobody included me. At the other group I went to, I was of a similar age to the other mums, but again didn't know anyone and was considered snobby because I went to a private school (they knew each other from school, and because I was new to the area asked me where I went to school, which is how it came up). I had very little in common with them, and so felt intimidated.

Really though, it didn't matter in the end. I was the youngest of my friendship group to get married and have a baby, but it levels out and whilst most of my friends have tweens or teens, and DS is an adult, it doesn't make any difference.

Katlow · 16/11/2021 22:21

What general area (North south etc) are you based? I had a situation at work where a male colleague asked me about a similar thing as I've had a baby within the same month and it only occurred to me afterwards he might have been asking whether I wanted to meet up with her. I one hundred percent would have but it didn't register to me at the time that that could have been his intention!

JudgeJ · 16/11/2021 22:22

@SpacePotato

Why does she need 'baby friends'?
Before MN I'd never heard of 'baby friends', when I had my babies I avoided people who wanted to talk about only babies like the plague!
Somebodylikeyew · 16/11/2021 22:22

Don’t underestimate how weird the last two years have been for any sort of social group.

It is hard, the baby friend thing. I think my advice to her, if it’s bothering her, would be to concentrate on making “baby acquaintances” instead- people she had nod, say hi and natter about bake off with- and then to make time to spend with pre-existing friends to fill that tank as well. Take the pressure off and count it as a successful morning if she’s said hi and exchanged a few sentences to someone; but fill the deeper tank elsewhere for now.

Original poster
SunshineDad2021 · 16/11/2021 22:22

@Wiltshire90 thank you. 😊 you actually understood, I'm sorry I've offended other people, I was typing as if I was in a conversation rather than how I would be interpreted.

OP posts:
Bogofftosomewherehot · 16/11/2021 22:24

NCT has been a lifeline to me and so many of my friends.
Can I suggest that she looks at either attending one of their Walk and Talks or if there isn't one in your area she could go the the branch and volunteer to se4t one up. Volunteering in the branch means she'll meet other volunteers and also new mums.

www.nct.org.uk/get-involved/join-nct-walk-and-talk-volunteer

NCT also do post natal classes that are a LOT cheaper than the antenatal classes - so that might be an idea.

I found that mum and baby groups were tough to break in to.

Maybe look at a swimming class with the baby, or an exercise class that you can take baby's to, or BuggyFit, or massage.

I hope she gets sorted - it's often much harder in winter to get out and meet new mum friends.

minipie · 16/11/2021 22:25

I was like your wife OP

I was desperately lonely. DH was out of the house 13+ hours a day. I didn’t have any local friends on maternity, they were all working. I missed NCT as baby was early.

I would suggest your wife uses the apps mentioned above - Mussh and Peanut. They didn’t exist in my day but I wish they had. The thing about the apps is you know everyone on them also wants to make friends and doesn’t already have their gang.

minipie · 16/11/2021 22:25

Oh and also - how much are you around? Can you wfh?

EmeraldShamrock · 16/11/2021 22:25

I think meeting new mum friends doing fun maternity leave things is over romanticism.
It is a difficult time with lots of expectations of rosy times.
Sometimes it takes years until they're in preschool.

AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking · 16/11/2021 22:26

Tell her to keep going to things.

IMO you don't just start chatting to people you meet at swimming, but it's when you bump into someone from swimming at baby music, then people are "hi, I know you from swimming..."

That's why people who are becoming friends look like acquaintances from the outside - quite likely they just saw each other at a different toddler group, the park etc.