To wonder why my wife can't make baby friends?

[SunshineDad2021]

I love my wife to pieces, and so do all my friends and family. She has a handful of close friends who she spends time with, but for some reason she hasn't been able to make any "baby friends", despite us doing NCT, baby classes and swimming.

We got a pretty rubbish group for NCT, which also happened to be virtual. Nobody wanted to meet up after, other than 2 girls, who then went on to be friends (they were acquaintances already...). The other groups and classes my wife tells me a lot of women go who know each other already OR they get up and leave and don't want to socialise.

She feels pretty shit about it sometimes. Literally nobody ever has a problem with her so why is it so hard for her to make mum friends to go to play dates, soft play etc with?

Not sure if it's the way she looks, if she's too introverted, or if she opens up too much.... or just that she's had shit luck at being in groups where people already know each other and don't want any more friends. Surely it's not just her that feels lonely?!

It can be that the only thing that people at baby groups have in common is that they had a baby at around the same time. I would suggest that she sees if there's someone she thinks she might like to get to know better and invite her round for coffee.

[quote SunshineDad2021]@SpacePotato because she is a new Mum and wants friends....[/quote]
You sound like a lovely husband.

It's very hard to make new mum friends. Stick at it, she'll get there. It really isn't that easy to make new meaningful relationships with likeminded people.

New baby classes ? Or peanut app?

OP what is it she wants though?

A big group of 'mum friends' or just a couple. Activities with baby? Things to do?

Or given she's got her close friends is she feeling she ought to be doing the mum friends thing and feels that's not the way it should be.

Some people love the mum friends thing others hate it. Many are in the middle and end up with 1 or 2 they see.

Is it a grass is greener thing or is she lonely etc?

Didn't make lasting friends from NCT. Then we moved when DS was 5 months. So I don't really have any "baby friends". However, I'm starting to make friends slowly, now DS is getting party invites from nursery and I see the same people around. I work, so I'm never at groups to make friends and mums don't seem to want to make friends with my DH.

It will happen for your DW, I'm sure. It just takes time for some people.

Exactly what Somebodylikeyew said. Aim for ‘baby acquaintances’ to chat to at groups, she doesn’t need any more than that if she already has close friends. She just needs to be able to spend time with her close friends. Her social life doesn’t have to revolve around the baby and the baby won’t notice that Mum hasn’t made any new friends.

I made most of my mum friends from toddler groups and then from nursery when my dc started school. I didn't gel with anyone from my NCT group either. It can be lonely being being a first time mum. Hope she manages to make some friends soon op.

I never made any mum friends despite trying.
Peanut was good for chatting to other mums via the app but it never progressed to meet ups for me.

I made zero mum friends. I have no interest in them whatsoever, they tend to be either a lot older than me or just not my type of person. It's quite boring forcing mum friends when the only thing in common is a baby. Of course with some people you will find you have so much more in common, but that won't be for everyone.
I met a mum who is very much like myself, we met up a few times, then it was lockdown, when I'd meet her, I'd find myself diverted towards my phone to see what my actual friends/sisters have text me, or I can't wait to go home so I can talk to them about a particular something.

The baby stage was awful for making new friends in my experience. The toddler not much better and the school stage lukewarm. Most of the people I have bonded with have been in other situations.

To me, it felt like going back in time to school where everybody was the same but not the same. Such an unnatural environment. I much prefer it now when you meet people of different ages and stages of their life.

Thank you for your replies. She is lonely, and she does try. I am away with work a great deal, she does speak to her close friends but like I said, she was hoping to meet people and broaden a friendship group. She is confident when chatting to people, but says she feels like a spare part. It makes her sad as when she does try, the other people are arranging to meet up etc. (Because they know each other already), and she gets that's because they're already friends, but I think she is sad that she just struggles to have that, and wants our child to be able to socialise with other babies. He loves other babies so maybe she has overwhelming mum guilt at times (her words, not mine, I think she is a fantastic mum) because she wants him to be able to socialise with babies his age.
She says she speaks to people more at her gym class (on the rare occasions she gets to go and have an hour to herself). I reassure her that it isn't her, but I genuinely don't know why

I can relate to this. I had not lived in the area long when my children were born. I didn’t forge friendships through baby groups initially. I felt misunderstood. It’s hard to explain. I made baby acquaintances from the post natal group. But not friends.

I eventually made a baby friend who was really good at organising play dates together and I was grateful for that. I met her at a coffee morning, she was friends with someone in my post natal group. It hasn’t resulted in a close, long term friendship but I enjoyed her company, our toddlers were pals and we were able to share and exchange ideas and support one another through the baby and toddler years.

When we relocated to a different county and our children started school, I very gradually made a couple of school gate friendships. One in particular has resulted in a very close, lasting friendship.

I think there’s an expectation or assumption that we must have ‘baby friends’. I know I felt it was expected and the norm. but sometimes with hindsight I wish I hadn’t felt that pressure. I was actually very content at home with my babies, had close extended family and old school friends to see. I did enjoy the weekly church toddler group, though. That was a great setting for social interaction. So I would keep attending things like coffee mornings, classes and baby toddler groups because you never know who you’ll meet and just happen to hit it off with. Have faith, friendships will evolve eventually.

This is very common I think. It's not your wife's fault.

She could take a look at amotherplace on Instagram who has a lot about this and little badges etc you can get to say that you want new mum friends and can give you an in. That isn't described well but worth a look. At the very least it should make her feel less alone in having this problem.

Well, surely you’ve answered your own question. Your NCT group didn’t gel, baby groups that have been online or non-existent because of Covid,, and they’re not the easiest places to make friends in any case, when all you have in common is a baby.

I loathed maternity leave. My NCT didn’t get on and drifted apart immediately, then we moved out of London to the world’s most insular village where I was way too foreign and unusual-by-local-standards to attract any friends.

Your wife should go back to work, hang out with her existing friends, and let other friendships happen naturally. Maternity leave for some women is a form of particularly grim purgatory.

I get you OP, and I'm not sure why you have received so many snarky responses. It doesn't matter if other people don't want mum friends or don't "get" mum friends. It's completely irrelevant to the OP because this woman does want to meet mum friends, and she's not wrong to feel that way.

TBH, your wife's situation sounds similar to mine. I only went to the NCT group to meet other mum's, and with the exception of one couple, the rest of them were very standoffish and disinterested. When my baby was born I attended lots of baby groups, partly because I didn't want to spend my entire maternity leave stuck at home alone, and partly in the hope that I would meet some new like-minded people. I also found it very hard as many people turned up in groups or knew each other already, and they didn't seem interested in conversing with me at all. I found it very lonely at times. However, I did meet a couple of lovely people and we kind of collected others along the way and became a bigger group and we're still friends 8 years later.

It is possible to make friends through baby groups but you do have to persevere.

Your wife maybe needs to initiate conversation/suggest meeting up? I’ve got 2 small children and haven’t really needed to make new mum friends as I luckily happened to have existing friends who had babies at the same time as me so I had enough of a social life with them. However when someone at a baby swim class suggested we had a group WhatsApp I signed up for that and went along for coffee with them a few times.

Gosh, MN is really being charming tonight, isn't it?! Give the poor guy a break!

All sorts of things have been weird and shit for new parents in the last 18 months, and I'm not surprised that baby groups are still finding their feet in some places. Our NCT groups, as I said in a different recent thread, have all died over lockdown and the revivals are having varying success.

Not everyone wants to have "mum friends" but there's no need for the sneery tone that some on here use. Maybe they're new to the area and she doesn't know many people already? Maybe family and old friends are all far away? Maybe all her usual friends are working while she is on mat leave and feeling lonely? In which case, finding other mums with young babies is probably an easier route for making friends while she also has a tiny baby in tow. All of the above applied to me when I had my first and I had to try lots of different things to find a few people to hang out with. In the end I volunteered with NCT and made friends with the other volunteers!

OP, it takes time, and a good dose of luck. Don't let your wife get too downhearted. It might be worth her or you asking on a local FB page for recommendations for friendly groups, or even just "anyone else in x area have a new baby and fancy a coffee?"

Hopefully more groups will open close to her.

I didn't have any mum friends until DS1 was 3 - I didn't go to baby classes or NCT and I went back to work full time when he was 9 months old. I met someone on the local pages of netmums who lived in the same village. I sent her a message even though she'd posted 6 months earlier. We met at the park and got on like a house on fire and now, 7 years on, she's probably my closest friend and our families are close too. We see each other most weeks.

I did baby swimming and baby sensory with DS2 and although I got on with the people in my groups I never met up with any of them outside the classes. When I had maternity leave with DS2, DS1 was at school so I got to know several of the mums who I then used to go for coffee with. Over the years various of our children have moved schools but we have stayed in touch and we catch up quite regularly as a group with whoever's free, sometimes at the park with the kids and sometimes I meet up with people individually.

DS2 has just started school and I am much more confident chatting to mums and making arrangements to meet up, even though I don't do the school run anymore and I only really see them at parties. I find lots of those who don't have older children are much more shy but also happy to chat once someone talks to them. I remember sitting at parties when DS1 was tiny and not knowing anyone and no-one talking to me, it was awful so I always talk to people now!

You can't force friendships but they will grow if people get on. I'd say she should bite the bullet and ask someone or a couple of people at a baby class out for a coffee or a park meet up. The worst they can do is say no and then she's in no worse a position. It is so difficult though and I really sympathise as I was so lonely for a long time.

@SunshineDad2021 has she tried the app 'peanut'? It's an app for making friends (not dating!) with parents in your area.
I found people did classes and went home and didn't really chat. I made 1 friend from NCT (all held online), still on mat leave though so may not last! I hoped to make more but it just didn't happen.
It's nice to have someone to bitch and moan to over coffee with babies the same age- we're both knackered, overwhelmed and new to it all.
I found people were more social and chatty at library baby groups.
Hopefully she'll meet someone eventually

In my experience a week day baby swimming class was good because we all sat & fed our babies together afterwards, so naturally got chatting.

Also met a couple of good friends at Sing & Sign. Time after the session to chat but doesn’t feel forced.

In the early when DD was small the social interaction at the baby groups was usually enough for me anyway.
I found it much harder after I’d gone back to work as none of the friends I’d finally made had the same day off.

A lot of the time I think it’s just luck.

I particularly wanted to make “mum friends” when I had my first as we had moved to a new area where I didn’t know anyone. I didn’t find any friends at our antenatal classes, but the community first baby group in the church hall was invaluable. I guess it really depends if you are lucky enough to have a baby at the same time ass as other people that you gel with. Also you do have to put yourself out there a bit and ask people to go for coffee etc.

Has she tried the app peanut? I met some lovely girls on there and doing pregnancy yoga. I’ve started baby massage and baby sensory and everyone is really friendly, I have found you need to be quite forward though and make the first move of you want friendships to progress there as new mums are often distracted. I left baby massage at the end instead of chatting as my baby was fussing and I knew she needed a nap but I’ll make up for it next week for sure and get to know people

"Classes" arent very sociable imho. Baby sensory and music and all this junk that is meant to be focussed around the baby (who doesnt give a shit), don't lend themselves to the mums having a chat.

What works better is unstructured, cheap activities aimed at the mums. Church hall playgroup/pram club type things - turn up, pay £2, mum gets a cup of tea and a biscuit and a chat with the other mums. These tend to be very local so you meet the mums who actually live really near you.

NCT courses are often full of competitive mums, that fact that your due dates fall close together is no guarantee you actually like these people.

However most NCT branches do coffee morning type drop ins and these are much better - if you persevere and go for a few weeks people get chatting.

But tbh I made most of my real mum friends when it got to preschool by volunteering for the pta type thing.

I found it really hard when I moved closer to home and thought I knew lots of people, unfortunately it doesn't always happen the way you hope. i found that everything changed once the kids started nursery and school, doesn't help you now but it will get easier.

I remember the spare part feeling well. I sometimes think it's better if you just stop trying and look upon other mothers as a similar thing to work colleagues - some you might get on with and some you might not and there is always a slight distance.

Once I started doing that, I relaxed and appreciated the relationships for what they were - a friendly face to say hi to in the playground, someone to grab a coffee with if you were both at a loose end, someone to ask about school events, do lift shares with, swap childcare. Even then, these were few and far between.

I recall when my daughter was about 10 and inviting a few mums back for wine after. It was nice. Really nice but, again, always a bit distant. An old friend turned up, too, and honestly, it was like coming home. I could open up, relax and talk honestly again. My advice? Keep the old friends and build on them. Let baby / mum friends occur naturally. Your child will make his own friends regardless as did mine. They are both at secondary school now. One will be doing her A levels next year. To be honest, I am glad all that bit is behind me but, now and then, I will bump into an old mum acquaintance, as I did today, and we did have a lovely chat.