To wonder why my wife can't make baby friends?

[SunshineDad2021]

I love my wife to pieces, and so do all my friends and family. She has a handful of close friends who she spends time with, but for some reason she hasn't been able to make any "baby friends", despite us doing NCT, baby classes and swimming.

We got a pretty rubbish group for NCT, which also happened to be virtual. Nobody wanted to meet up after, other than 2 girls, who then went on to be friends (they were acquaintances already...). The other groups and classes my wife tells me a lot of women go who know each other already OR they get up and leave and don't want to socialise.

She feels pretty shit about it sometimes. Literally nobody ever has a problem with her so why is it so hard for her to make mum friends to go to play dates, soft play etc with?

Not sure if it's the way she looks, if she's too introverted, or if she opens up too much.... or just that she's had shit luck at being in groups where people already know each other and don't want any more friends. Surely it's not just her that feels lonely?!

The only mum friends I made was through nct. Baby groups etc are impossible to make friends at I found! Although has she tried a buggy exercise class? People were more willing to chat there than say baby sensory. If you have a crap NCT class that’s the worst. Im sorry she’s lonely. How old is your baby?

[quote SunshineDad2021]@LawnFever she wanted to make friends, she signed up to things to meet people. A friend prior to having a baby has made loads of new friends - NCT and classes. She has been to baby groups and other classes and comes back feeling a bit crap tbh. I wonder if people assume that because of how she is, she must not be lonely. It is hard to explain.[/quote]
Comparison is the thief of joy.

She'll find her tribe.

@WickedWitchOfTheTrent

Making mummy friends isn't as easy as just turning up at baby groups. I'm a really out going, social type normally, but I didn't make any mummy friends. I would stand alone in the school playground, end up sitting alone in baby groups and swimming lessons etc. I guess my face just didn't fit.

I only ended up talking to one woman, who the same as me, friendly, sociable and outgoing, who I got talking to when my dc was at play school, who id now class as a mummy friend. But I think it was because neither of us was interested in gossiping about other people, and mums can be quite cliquey and I'm just not into that sort of thing.

I was nodding along to this until I hit ‘mums can be quite cliquey’ — honestly, women don’t have a personality transplant when they give birth. If you’re not open to new people before you had a child, that won’t have changed afterwards. But I completely agree that in some situations, your face may not fit, though no fault of yours.

I’m socially confident and have never struggled with friendships, but I spent DS’s baby, toddler and early school years in a village where I went to all baby and playgroups, volunteered (ended up running one of the baby groups) and was friendly, but never made a friend. Stood alone in playground at school pickups etc. I made lots of friends at work at the same period, and after we moved away, I fell into a group of lovely friends immediately via DS’s new school. It was just that village. I can think of reasons why my face didn’t fit there — foreign in an insular place, a WOHM in a place where it was rare, an older mother — but it was an isolating time.

I'm pretty confident it's nothing about your wife! Honestly everyone is in the same phase, it's a blur and then baby group and then back to blur. They're not deliberately excluding your wife. I am usually really chatty and make an effort with everyone but those newborn months were really hard for me. The highlight of my week was going to baby group and seeing my two friends and I definitely was guilty of trying to talk mainly to them. It's just that I really wanted to have friends and felt that those two were people I could just relax with. I thought that if I didn't make a real effort with those two people it wouldn't develop into friendship. I did still talk to other people but can see why it's just too much for some people.

On practical advice: Has she tried a bold loud "would anyone like to go for a coffee after this?" At the end? Someone did this and half the group gratefully accepted, it became a nice little extension of baby group and people could swap numbers and meet up. I felt like I was trying to date People, too. Small chit chat, remember details, ask for phone numbers, invite for coffee. You need balls. No one is going to say no when you ask to swap numbers, and it will be obvious if they're not into meeting up.

Baby classes are really hard to meet people! I would use Mush or Peanut instead for that reason, and go to the classes primarily for the baby instead. It won't be anything to do with your wife, probably more like some of the mums already know each other, some are worried about making the first move too, and some might not want to make new friends. It's tricky.

Why do you need her to have "mum" friends rather than just friends of any type or place? Sounds like she makes friends at the gym and elsewhere.

Why is it you posting here and not your wife?

Exactly.

Also, if you know she likes the gym are you sorting ensuring that you're there to look after LO so that she can go? Does the gym have a crèche as well?

Because I think it's quite hard to make friends as an adult unless you're very socially confident. I have never made a single baby/mum friend. I'm OK with it as I don't need lots of friends, but I am a bit sad I find it so hard to do.

Whilst I was on maternity leave there were no baby classes.
I got excited to find one on a Saturday when I returned to work.
We didn’t go back.
Afterwards there was a craft session- others sat at tables far away from me and my son.
They already had their clique and didn’t want to include anyone else.
My son has been at nursery 10 months and only now do parents say hello back.
It’s hard. Support your wife as you are doing.

Where in the Uk do you live op? I am pregnant and due on Friday i have been scoping out my local area to find groups. Aside from becoming a new mum I didn’t know anyone in the area as we moved here in June. I put a post in the areas Facebook page to meet new women and got a good response, two of those by chance had a newborn and a 8 month old so that has been a good starter. I’ve been looking at church groups, found a baby cafe and a rhyme time group at local library. I have done so many things in the past to meet people but it was just a one moment in time thing and didn’t lead to concrete friendships but I find you have to keep persevering. When I first moved to london I went on meetup groups and met a Dutch girl we lived together for years and still friends. Your wife may find it takes time to find ‘her people’ but I’m sure she will. If you live in Surrey let me know as would be very happy to make contact!

And to the people saying "why do you even need mum friends, they're all cliquey and crap" - we're all different. I only survived the baby year because of mum friends. It's just obvious that when you have a baby and all your friends are at work in the day you have this huge void of time to fill. If you're a sociable person it's murder looking at those five week days, 9 hours a day completely alone. Mum friends have the huge advantage of having the same scheudle and flexibility as you. They can meet at 10 on a Tuesday morning. They understand that you need to run home for nap. And also, it sounds like some of you didn't need to talk about babies. That's great, but I struggled so much, with everything. Having friends who would listen, be supportive and give me advice while not making me feel like crap was amazing. And hearing their struggles and doing the same for them made me feel much better too.

And mums aren't particularly cliquey! They're just normal women who have children. Having friends isn't being in a clique. I have yet to meet a mum who instantly wants to talk badly about others. Maybe I've just been lucky.

Doesn't help you OP but I just don't want you to feel that it's hopeless or that she should give up.

I never made "baby friends". I have friends who were mothers before me or around the same time as me who gave me advice and a listening ear. The new mums locally at that time had nothing in common with me except that we had new babies - most had loads of local friends already, lots of family support, easy babies (not throwing up each feed due to reflux, heart murmur, and what was later DX'd as ADHD and ASD (aspergers) to deal with). And most were either not going back to work or were going to do a couple of days a week very locally while a family member minded DC, when I was going back FT using a crèche and into the city centre an hour away.

I survived, I have made other friends since (some related to DC, others nothing to do with her), and am happy with how life is. I had a fully occupied mat leave, and then went back to work.

Not everyone needs "mam friends" - they have a different support network already around them or find other ways to support themselves.

Just wanted to add that I agree with people mentioning church playgroups - I'm not religious at all but those have been some of the best places to meet people IME

I really sympathise with your wife. I'm experiencing the same and it is lonely.
I'm just trying to gee myself up to go to a bounce and rhyme session at the library.
I chatted to two mums there one week but their babies were older than mine and close in age so they hit it off more.
It's a really hard time to put yourself out there I find, I've lost confidence and not feeling myself plus feeling very tired doesn't help!
With my first baby I went to a baby massage class and made a nice friend who unfortunately moved away.
No advice really, keep trying I guess!

SunshineDad2021 I am so sorry for the gross misandrists on here. ! Honestly feel so ashamed that certain women are so prejudiced against any question a man can ask for his wife that they have no ability to simply give face value advice . You sound lovely, kind and concerned.

Also the snippy comments about his question about 'looks' . Stop being deliberately naive !

Yes it would be wonderful if people weren't judged by 'looks' .. but they are. They can be looks based on race, colour, culture, body size, beauty (or lack of) .. along with language/body language.

Do not pretend that if you are an introverted , sari wearing Indian woman -just moved to the Cotworlds - or a sharp suited business woman who arrives in the fancy car with the latest travel system - who has pitched up at the Moreton in the Marsh mother and baby club that you will be overwhelmed with immediate friendship offers. .. it would be wonderful if you were, and I cast no aspersions on M-in- the -M .. but people need time to adjust and feel confident to approach others. That goes for every characteristic mentioned above - not just race. Some people are braver than others and WILL make approaches. Some will not.

My advice is simply to keep trying. Find one that is the friendlier one and stick with it for a few weeks. Hopefully familiarity will break down barriers.

Jeez. The dude come in here to ask for genuine advice for his wife from other mums and some of you are just focusing in on any tiny negative.

Lay off him ffs

I found my friends through a first time mums group and other baby led activities but yes you need to be brave a make convo. Strange to go the following week. Then after a week or so maybe invite for coffee and so on. Avoid the clicks and go for the smaller groups or other mums alone.

@SunshineDad2021 your wife sounds in the same boat as me... I am similar to @Knitonepearl.

Currently on mat leave (near the end) and I haven't made any friends. Fortunately I have two close friends who have also had babies. However, they both have LOADS of other people and social plans. I have met a couple of acquaintances, but they know each other very well so I am the spare part.

NCT group dissapeared / went quiet / never wanted to meet up, which was a real shame as we all got on so well. Or at least i thought we did, but the friendship was limited to a WhatsApp group that fizzled out. I'm trying not to take that personally. It is what others have said, it really is luck if you're put with people who have shared interests and actually want to hang out.

Baby classes = same issues with people being in groups or not hanging around. I tried three different classes, same issue at every single one. I am friendly and chatty (similar to your wife), however I overheard one woman calling me weird to another, which knocked my confidence massively.

I have past experience of being judged on my appearance, so I appreciate what you were trying to say about looks. The judging a book by it's cover really is a problem.

It has got a bit much trying to not be over confident and chatty (which is apparently weird), but not being completely introverted (which apparently is also weird).

I do go swimming, which I enjoy. It's a small group who are nice, but again, they know each other from their own NCT... it makes you feel crap when loads of other people had successful NCT groups they hang out with.

I have been upset about this on a few occasions. As in really upset. But now I've just started doing more casual activities
on our own, such as soft play. My son loves the soft play and play cafes and I've come to the realisation that if I'm going to do these things I just need to go and do them, even if I am a loner! I will also try church baby groups as I get the impression these sort of things are more welcoming (and affordable), and my little one can roam and play freely. I've only been to one play cafe where I've had a few stares for being on my own, but the owners were lovely and friendly.

At the end of the day the main bit that makes me sad is that my baby loves other babies and children, and I get the horrible feeling that I'm lacking friends with babies for him to socialise with.

I’ve just had my fourth baby. I really really don’t want to make any mum friends & I’m actively avoiding it. I felt differently with my first but now my life is so entrenched in parenthood I just want all my social interaction to be about everything other than babies & children.
I’m not in any way hostile & im happy to make a bit of small talk but that’s about it. If I’m ever at a baby class/group I’ll just say hi and get on with it. It’s really nothing personal but I’m just not in that place.
Perhaps your wife is coming across women like me that maybe have one day off work a week, two other children, a hectic schedule & are just there to spend an hour or two with their little one.

I very much doubt it’s anything to do with your wife on a personal level.

On Facebook there are a couple of groups for mums in my particular city. Every so often someone will post that they're looking for friends and get loads of replies. She should look up her city on there and see what groups come up.

Listen up Sunshine diphead; your wife is probably completely knackered and fed up of the boring social routine whirlwind that you think she (basically you) needs. Back off, make her feel beautiful and valued yourself, give her some quality quiet time and then she'll be ready to face the shark pit. Simple.

@Mudday what a pleasant troll you are. The fact I've stated that my wife wants this and as other posters have said about themselves, is sad about it. I was asking for other experiences. So you're just... rude? So much for the whole Be Kind awareness. What a troll joke you are.

I had no not friends but made a few through baby groups etc, but I was proactive, I asked people back to mine for coffee on way home etc. Then primary school was easy to meet other mums but maybe it's cos we all walk

Mum groups can be cliquey...i found them conpetetive. I did make friends but tbh my best mates now are those i met at work and those from before kids.

The fact I've stated that my wife wants this

But she hasn't. You didn't answer why its you and not your wife posting here or why you think a woman with a new baby needs a different type of friend to those she sought out and spent time with before. We don't turn into a different species when we give birth. By and large the people we gel with as parents are the same people we gel with before we are parents.

Its a lot easier to advise someone when you are not speaking through an intermediary. Its also less likely to be someone seeking cut'n'paste quotes about how "cliquey" or "bitchy" women are.

I'm not a troll 'sunshine even more deeply diphead', but I am a troll-catcher. You failed to see my support for your wife and made it about you instead. I pity her having to deal with your tediousness, unless your next response is more mature/aware I suspect she is probably suffocating from boredom.

@EineReiseDurchDieZeit

You seem to be judging your wife and finding her wanting. The question should not be about a fault in your wife really and thats why I find you unreasonable

….okay, damn. I had money on it being page 3 before someone found fault with the guy for caring about his wife’s well-being.

That’s a fiver I owe the charity of my choice.