To wonder why my wife can't make baby friends?

[SunshineDad2021]

I love my wife to pieces, and so do all my friends and family. She has a handful of close friends who she spends time with, but for some reason she hasn't been able to make any "baby friends", despite us doing NCT, baby classes and swimming.

We got a pretty rubbish group for NCT, which also happened to be virtual. Nobody wanted to meet up after, other than 2 girls, who then went on to be friends (they were acquaintances already...). The other groups and classes my wife tells me a lot of women go who know each other already OR they get up and leave and don't want to socialise.

She feels pretty shit about it sometimes. Literally nobody ever has a problem with her so why is it so hard for her to make mum friends to go to play dates, soft play etc with?

Not sure if it's the way she looks, if she's too introverted, or if she opens up too much.... or just that she's had shit luck at being in groups where people already know each other and don't want any more friends. Surely it's not just her that feels lonely?!

It's not her. It's bad luck that the NCT group was rubbish. Although I think it's still worth putting out the odd call out for a coffee morning on the WhatsApp group, I'm case some have changed their minds.

That's also my experience of baby groups. The advice I'd give there is to try other groups if particular ones don't have any friendly people. I tried for months to make friends at a Daisy baby group, retrospectively it was a waste of time as they all had pre established prenatal groups.

I can relate to your wife.
I used to go to all the baby groups.
Even went round and knocked on doors of people from the ANG.
But really felt forced. We had little in common. The groups were clicky and I felt ignored.
I sometimes went with my sister in the neighboring town to a baby group. There I met a lady who was my sisters friend. We are still friends to this day.
(She comes with her dh for our Christmas party each year pre covid)
But that is 1 friend.
I made more friends once they got to nursery:)

It is hard to mingle at groups where you are physically doing something with your baby (swimming, baby sensory etc). I did to NCT coffee etc but made more adult friends at toddler groups where the parents can sit on chairs and chat while the children play on mats in front of them. Volunteering for the snack rota/to come in and help on toy-cleaning day etc etc at the groups helped a lot too!

I find it more awkward now DC are older and pick their own friends as the school class parents I have made personal friends with at the gate/by volunteering etc aren't really the parents of DCs friends and our DC really don't want to spend social time together - at least with toddlers they are largely doing their own thing when they play!

YABU

Babies make terrible friends. Everything is on their schedule, super demanding, nothing to talk about.

I also used to find it very hard to distinguish individual mums at some baby groups - I'm not great with faces anyway but in my tired state I could never quite remember if that particular lady in a breton top with a pony tail and a Lamaze moth was the one I spoke to last week or a total stranger....embarrassingly nearly everyone I 'palled up' with at such things had to have a visual distinguishing feature like a tattoo on their wrist or a very distinctive coat etc.

Don't know if you'll be back op but a lot of it I put down to luck and location. We moved at lot when children were very young.
I worked pretty hard at chatting to lots of people out and about and sometimes it passed the time pleasantly, in some cases we did maybe go with the kids for a snack afterwards.

Different areas vary: some places there aren't so many outsiders who know noone so it's hard to break into old friendship groups at a once weekly get together.

Often though it's a numbers game and you have ime to be willing to chat (and fail!)
I looked at it all as modelling for the children. But I know it can hurt if you feel snubbed or overlooked so 💐 for your DW.

I think part of the problem is that normally you make friends with people you share interests with, similar sense of humour, similar views, similar level of education etc etc. once you have a baby you are expected to make friends with people with whom the only thing you may have in common is having a reproductive system.

On a more practical note, I found that the way to make friends is to volunteer for everything, offer to be on the committee/make the coffee/ be on the set up rota etc in baby groups. That way you find yourself in a smaller group with two or three others and it is easier to get involved in conversations. And once she has got talking to someone, she invites them over for a coffee, or asks if they'd like to meet up at soft play or whatever. I'd be upfront, she could say ' I don't really know anyone here do you mind if I sit with you' if there are people sitting in a group. There will always be someone who is welcoming and willing to be friendly.

Dunno mate, but maybe it's the same reason she doesn't start her own thread on Mumsnet.

Maybe stop with the micromanaging, & leave her to crack on with enjoying her handful of close friends who she spends time with.

HTH

[quote SunshineDad2021]**@Mudday what a pleasant troll you are. The fact I've stated that my wife wants this and as other posters have said about themselves, is sad about it. I was asking for other experiences. So you're just... rude? So much for the whole Be Kind awareness. What a troll joke you are.[/quote]
Here's news OP - women don't owe you "kind".

@Mudday gave perfectly sound advice, but as it referenced your own responsibility toward your wife's feelings, you decided to bite her head off.

btw, troll-hunting is banned here. Also - people disgreeing with you doesn't turn them into trolls.

You mention her looks , is she overly pretty or 'different ' looking ? I think it will make a difference to be honest . You do sometimes just click with one person and that will take you onto meeting other people .

I took it as the OP being concerned about his wife - maybe she is becoming depressed and feeling isolated and thinks her getting out and about meeting like-minded people might help?

My husband was like this in the beginning and I think he was coming from a well-meaning place. His mum had really bad PND and didn't want that for me. It was fairly well drummed into us at antenatal clinics that not being isolated would help prevent PND.

However, when he met some of the said parents, he realised what I meant and knew that there wasn't a problem with me

@C8H10N4O2 but the majority of women want to make new friends with babies, especially when they have their first baby. I was the first of all my friends to have a baby, my friends are great but they can’t commiserate at the lack of sleep, text during the 2am feeds for company, meet up at lunchtime on a weekday just to get out of the house. It’s very silly to pretend otherwise.

I've never seen anything like the uptightness when it comes to mum and baby friends and stay and play that you get on here though I guess that's because those types stay away I guess. Having these friends made all the difference for me and there is no need to be nasty to people for needing this just because you didn't.

I went to one group and was virtually shunned.
Went to another and it was fab.
Maybe she should try differnt groups as they can have.a differnt vibe.
Also invite folk on playdates maybe in the park etc.. quite often in smaller places people kmow each other and it opens up multiple invites. Also when it gets to.babies b days and invites come.. that helps..
You have to.throw self out there .. then by law of averages it works..some playgroups do cake n coffee aft.. that sounds a good obe for her ?

Sometimes just having children doesn’t mean you have anything in common.

I don’t know whereabouts you are but I’d be happy to be baby buddies with your wife! I love a good mama chat! Happy to meet up if you’re nearby or message chat on WhatsApp. Feel free to PM me 🙂

I don’t know why people think it’s so strange OP’s wife wants some adult company.
I found you had to be really proactive, offer to swap numbers, ask people out, put up with other people being really flaky
Apps like mush and peanut may help.