To wonder why my wife can't make baby friends?

[SunshineDad2021]

I love my wife to pieces, and so do all my friends and family. She has a handful of close friends who she spends time with, but for some reason she hasn't been able to make any "baby friends", despite us doing NCT, baby classes and swimming.

We got a pretty rubbish group for NCT, which also happened to be virtual. Nobody wanted to meet up after, other than 2 girls, who then went on to be friends (they were acquaintances already...). The other groups and classes my wife tells me a lot of women go who know each other already OR they get up and leave and don't want to socialise.

She feels pretty shit about it sometimes. Literally nobody ever has a problem with her so why is it so hard for her to make mum friends to go to play dates, soft play etc with?

Not sure if it's the way she looks, if she's too introverted, or if she opens up too much.... or just that she's had shit luck at being in groups where people already know each other and don't want any more friends. Surely it's not just her that feels lonely?!

@BurnedToast

How can anyone here answer this question? We have never meet your wife.

Maybe she lacks confidence as a result of having a husband/wife who thinks she may not make friends because of the way she looks and feels it necessary to analyse her failure to make friends on a forum. Just a wild guess.

I was thinking exactly this.

How on earth can a bunch of online strangers have any idea why your wife is struggling with this?

Speculating that her appearance is the reason she hasn’t made friends is bizarre. As is the fact that you feel the need to post here on her behalf in the first place tbh. Do you find yourself managing other aspects of her life?

I realised soon into maternity leave that new mum friends just made me feel worse about being a new mum. There's a lot of competitiveness and oneupmanship: "if you think you're having a tough time, listen to my story...!"

I prefer spending time with family or friends who don't have babies. That way they have spare hands to help me with my LO. But understand not everyone has family nearby.

Recommend a playgroup for meeting people, it's less rigid than a baby class, more opportunity to chat. Alternatively, learn to love Netflix and long walks with podcasts.

Instead of you posting asking us to guess and give you ideas you can give to her - encourage her to join MN and talk directly. That is at least some interaction and people can give advice better to the person that needs it

Just advise her to give aibu a miss at first. It's the last thing she needs!

Some people are out there looking for other mums to compare themselves to and make them feel better about themselves. There seemed to be so much bragging and competition.

I had a really similar experience with my first born. Before children I would have described myself as outgoing with lots of friends. But we moved to a new city with my first born and....

• my nct group were rubbish. I didn't connect with them (nor they with each other)
• I hated the awkwardness of trying to make friend mums at baby groups
• I hated the small talk about baby-related stuff generally

...as a result, I felt really lonely and isolated. I blamed myself rather than the fact I just hadn't met anyone to connect with. We ended up moving to a small town and things are completely different. I don't know why but within the first 6 months of living here I've made more friends then I ever did then on the baby group circuit, It isn't your wife's fault. It's hard to make new friends (it's no different than you starting a new sport and asking to hang with those people outside of that club - it's awkward and difficult). I'd recommend focusing on her local area more rather than baby groups. Do you have neighbours with similar aged children? What are her hobbies and interests? They are much better places to make friends IME.

As permanent said on p1, you just put yourself out there, as for people’s numbers, invite them out etc. Most people want the same and will respond ime. I loved maternity leave, I’m always sad for those who find it a lonely or difficult time.

What a load of unhelpful comments on here. Obiously it's something his wife cares about which is exactly he reached out for advice not to have his post judged!

My wife also thought it important to have local 'baby friends' as we were moving house and town 2 weeks before our due date. We chose classes in the new town and sat in traffic for 2 hours every week for the pleasure!

We really both put ourselves out there, especially my wife whoes naturally charasmatic and end up holding court where ever she goes! Sure enough she made some wonderful friends. It was such a lifeline as we had no support network locally. Sadly I didn't really make any dad-friends, we all got on really well and had a lot in common but a few months into the birth our group died on the vine unlike the women's which flurished. COVID didnt help either as most of us were self employed and all had to work more hours to ride the storm.

Everyone goes for their own reasons. Some go to make friends, some go just for the advice and others seemed to go because it was expected of them. Luck of the draw which mix you get!

@spotcheck

What a strange thing to worry about.

Sometimes you end up with people you gel with, sometimes you don't
🤷

I don’t think it’s a strange thing to be worried about at all. Isolation as a new mother is not nice. Mumsnet is listed c with similar threads (though by women)

Your OP makes it sound a bit like you think she’s failing somehow. Maybe that’s not what you intended, but please make sure you never make it sound that way to your wife. It’s honestly really hard! I’ve had the same problem. Our NCT group were fine but just not my people at all. They also all went back to work Monday-Thursday fairly quickly and met up on Fridays, whereas I worked only on Fridays. They had cars and went off to lots of places together that were inaccessible by public transport, whilst I only had buses and my feet. I joined groups and went to baby and toddler groups and I did meet women I liked but you’d be amazed how hard it is to get a proper conversation going and a friendship started when both of you have a babies that may start wailing or, later, crawling off at any moment. So you swap numbers but then your nap times don’t sync up or your work days clash or whatever and after a bit whatever budding friendship you had fizzles out. If she’s lonely all she can do is keep trying, but please be sympathetic rather than judgmental when you talk to her about it.

What is it about her looks that you think could be an issue OP? I am working on the assumption that your comment didn't you think people might not like her because you think she's ugly!

It's naive to think it might not be a factor as people gravitate to people who are 'like' them, even if they don't do it consciously. If she's significantly older/younger, more/less polished, different socioeconomic class, different sizes or different ethnicity then that absolutely will be making it harder for her.

For what it's worth, this is really common. It can be hard.

If she has close friends anyway why does she need baby friends?

My close friends ended up with children too, although some were older and some came later. I asked baby stuff of my work colleagues who ranged from middle aged ladies to young mums.

I was one of those that only went to one mum to be class as I hated it and had nothing more than being pregnant in common with the other mums.

You don’t need other mum friends just like you don’t need dad friends. Just good friends.

When you go into a class full of strangers you might hit it off with someone, but you might not. It's the same with general hobbies/ sports classes etc too. They are a bunch of random people and you don't know who you will get in the mix. It won't be her, it's just the luck of the draw.

If she's not clicked with anyone at any of the classes she's at, maybe she could branch out more and go to something different.

I think it's lovely you care. Not sure why you've got all the aggressive comments. We moved to a new country during my last mat leave and were in lockdown and I was SO lonely. I still don't really know many people. So I can sympathise!

In all honesty, I don’t have any baby ‘friends’ apart from my NCT group. That’s despite a social circuit on maternity leave that included baby signing on a Monday, swimming Tuesday, a music class Wednesday and a buggy fit class Thursday

I do have three acquaintances from those on Facebook but they aren’t close friendships. But this is where I do think MN is wrong - I went to the classes for DS, not me (apart from the exercise group.)

It was good to get out of the house, and it was good for me to chat to other people, but that wasn’t the overall aim and I daresay most others were the same. It’s odd you mention her looks, though I’d be pretty hurt if DP said that about me.

This post made me really angry. 3 and a half years later I have no mum friends, but this week at a tennis lesson for my kid I met the kindest mums, it was the first time I’d chatted to people who engaged with me, who introduced their kids to mine. It took THREE YEARS.

1. People are dicks
2. NCT is the luck of the draw (see above)
3. People with older kids probably aren’t looking for friends
4. Ugh, people
5. She’s probably in a room full of other mums feeling scared and alone too, it’s hard to speak up for fear of rejection but it’s the only way
6. Try a mil app
7. Being a mum isn’t enough to have in common to make friends
8. I came home from a class on mat leave and cried for hours after I went and sat next to someone said hi AND SHE GOT UP AND MOVED. later turned out she lived on my street and tried to abuse me for baby sitting.

Moral of this story is she will find her people. It will take time. Don’t try and collect shit friends until then.

I doubt it's anything she's doing "wrong". There's always people out there who are on your wave length, you just have to find them.

Does she ask to add people on FB or swap numbers after she's chatted to them? This was the main way I ended up getting in with other mums.

It can be tough to make other parents friends. During the baby stage with my first I did make a couple of friends but not as many as it felt like others were making. It wasn't until my eldest became a toddler that I really expanded my circle of parent friends.

I found friendships developed better at playgroups in church halls than they did at baby classes. More time to talk! I made some really nice friends from there / reconnected with people I used to know from elsewhere. It’s nice! Much better than stilted talk at a baby activity.

I didn't have any mum friends until my dc started school. It just never happened when they were small - which tbh didn't bother me at the time. Even though I know lots of mums now they are older... I don't really meet up with them often. We all have our own busy lives!

It's so hard.

I'd a small NCT group that didn't gel. After so many positive experiences from people who say you makes friends for life. This was from people with kids around 7 who still met up regularly and went on holiday with them it is a disappointment when you don't make those friends.

Lots of the baby groups I'm sure you're wife is going to is already made up of friendship groups or nannies that are not welcoming. I tried talking to them but they'd be polite and turn away. It's crushing.

I finally made my friendship group maybe when my daughter was 18 months old at a stay and play group. Everyone was lovely and welcoming. Where were this women for the last 18 months I do not know. So it took a lot of time and perseverance to get there. The group was on Friday mornings and I loved for Fridays. My husband also said my mood changed on Thursday nights and then Fridays from seeing my friends.

I'd also say to your wife to keep going out. People will start to recognise you. All the local parks. That's how I've build up just people you can stop and chat to for 5/10 minutes. It makes all the difference just to have a normal conversation for a few minutes. Try different parks. I'm lucky to have 4 play parks locally and they all seem to attract a different crowd. There's one that's more friendly. A smaller one so the kids run round and you can stand more in the one spot and look at the kids and have a brief conversation. Not sure how old your child is but my daughter made friends with a boy in a park and now we have a loose arrangement we see then there every Monday.

It takes time, effort and a think skin but she'll get there.

My husband is amazed when we go out how many people I talk to now compared to when I was so lonely a few years ago.

I'm sorry there's no quick fix

I think it’s just down to luck really. My ‘mum friends’ started off being my NCT group, and then I met other people at classes, then later at nursery and school. Weirdly it’s easier to make friends if you are already somewhere with a friend as it’s easier to initially chat as a group. If you guys didn’t bond with your NCT group then you won’t have a ready made group to be part of. I met a good friend through baby swimming as there is a lot of time hanging around afterwards feeding babies etc. Tell her to hang in there, once the child starts nursery she will meet lots of other parents that way.

She should thank her lucky stars, at least she doesn't have to endure the 'Tarquin is running a marathon' type, when Tarquin is only 2

There are often local baby groups on Facebook lots of mums post on there asking if anyone wants to meet up and seem quite down to earth

I wish I hadn't done NCT as found it abit uppity and I felt bad about myself at the start as I was having a really hard time with my high needs colicky baby whilst they just all met for coffees all day, turning up with full faces of makeup when I could barely get myself dressed or drag a brush through my hair

Not sure how old your baby is but I've chatted more to people at the swings or just local church groups - definitely not "friends" but some acquaintances. It all feels abit forced and pressured. It is nice to see other people in the day to break the day up but I don't feel pressure about having friends now it will happen if it happens and otherwise I've got close family nearby so I am very lucky in that respect

I hope she finds what she's looking for maybe just taking the pressure off abit, it's not her or anything to do with her it's just really hard situation

See if there is a local Facebook group for meetups. I moved on mat leave and made friends this way. Also just being super chatty at the park.

What is it about her looks that you think could be an issue OP? I am working on the assumption that your comment didn't you think people might not like her because you think she's ugly!

I assumed OP thought other women might not like his wife because she’s too beautiful (which warrants a but I’m not giving one as worrying about her being lonely is hard).

It’s a myth that everyone makes lifelong mates at NCT- rather, you only hear about the ones who do. And it is quite hard at baby groups- I occasionally met people who I really wanted to stay in touch with but generally most interactions never got beyond small talk. She will find her group- it’s easier once children start school because then you have a whole class of mums to be in regular contact with. The issue is unlikely to be her doing something wrong- lots of new mums end up isolated and a bit lonely and covid really hasn’t helped.

In the meantime, can you do more childcare to enable her to go out with her old friends more or do something social not centred on children, like a class? You mentioned she likes the gym but doesn’t get to go much- can you help with that?

I really sympathise. My mum / baby friends really helped me survive the baby/ toddler years. I wasn’t part of an NcT group and felt lonely at baby groups as everyone seeemed to be part of a tribe. But I persisted and arranged walks with other mums who seemed more like me ( active or professional) . After 6 months we had a gang . You have to accept that out of 10 people at a group perhaps 1 or 2 will be friendship potential and try to keep smiling . It was hard