To wonder why my wife can't make baby friends?

[SunshineDad2021]

I love my wife to pieces, and so do all my friends and family. She has a handful of close friends who she spends time with, but for some reason she hasn't been able to make any "baby friends", despite us doing NCT, baby classes and swimming.

We got a pretty rubbish group for NCT, which also happened to be virtual. Nobody wanted to meet up after, other than 2 girls, who then went on to be friends (they were acquaintances already...). The other groups and classes my wife tells me a lot of women go who know each other already OR they get up and leave and don't want to socialise.

She feels pretty shit about it sometimes. Literally nobody ever has a problem with her so why is it so hard for her to make mum friends to go to play dates, soft play etc with?

Not sure if it's the way she looks, if she's too introverted, or if she opens up too much.... or just that she's had shit luck at being in groups where people already know each other and don't want any more friends. Surely it's not just her that feels lonely?!

I tried and failed to make mom friends. I really tried. I put myself out there which was really hard for me. We were new to the area. In retrospect I have identified a few of the issues. 1) I’m just really awkward and can be hard to get to know. 2) most of the social groups here are formed at church. 3) I don’t have much in common with most of the moms around here. Because of the awkwardness, I didn’t even realize how much I stuck out at first, but I just don’t fit in at all.

I do understand wanting 'baby friends' even when you already have friends. If your existing friends don't have kids you suddenly find you are not quite in the same place in life as them. I had kids before all my uni friends and was less close with them for a few years, then became closer again when they all had kids, because we just seemed to be more in the same place in our lives.

I do think there is a real benefit in meeting up with people with kids of a similar age as you can compare experiences, understand exactly what the other is going through, have realistic expectations (eg they will probably be late for a meet up and have baby sick on their shoulder) which child-free friends may not get. The people I have spent most time with over the past few years have been people with kids of a similar age, although I have other friends as well.

As far as OP is concerned, I would get your wife to try some different groups out and see if she clicks with someone. Worst case scenario she will meet mums at nursery but hopefully it will happen for her sooner.

I hope your wife doesn't feel like there's something wrong with her for not making friends at baby groups. It's REALLY HARD to make friends at those groups!

When my DC were young, we moved to a new town where we knew no one. I made friends by actively going out and looking for them, through Mumsnet local and Netmums meet a mum boards now defunct). Sadly MN local isn't what it used to be I don't think. I haven't looked recently - might be worth a look to see if it's active.

I used to call it "mum dating" because it was just like dating but without the romance, as in you agreed to meet up somewhere public and if you liked each other you did it again. I met loads of mums and made two lasting friendships.

I suspect these days it's probably done through Facebook groups. She could look and see if there are any parenting or mothers' facebook groups for your area, then start a thread asking if other mums want to meet up with the DC.

Somewhere in your area there will be lots of other mums with DC the same age who would love some adult company, it's just a matter of finding them!

[quote SunshineDad2021]@SpacePotato because she is a new Mum and wants friends....[/quote]
Its sounds like you go with her? Maybe that is why. Very often when someone is on there own, people come up and chat.

I agree with @DeepaBeesKit about the Church hall type groups being easier for friendship building. Maybe looking if there is a smaller group in a local village would help.

I’m terrible at making friends so can’t offer much advice. I too am very well liked but never seem to get past the acquaintance stage. It’s just harder as you get older I think.

Reassure her that she needn’t have mummy guilt. Babies don’t need “friends” and not until they’re at least a couple of years old do children properly play with each other anyway.

The point of baby/ toddler groups is to turn up in an inpenetrable pack of people you already know, usually through NCT or possibly your BFF that you syncronised conception with.

I made the mistake of not doing NCT.
I then followed up with another mistake of not sending the DCs to the school nursery for full family bonding to see us through the school years until y6.

Not that I'm cynical after a decade of being a gooseberry and having the audacity to attempt small talk, greet people or sit in the wrong seats.

Seriously, it's the luck of the draw of how interesting and open-minded the other people that gave birth at the same time are. I've always made my good friends through sharing interests not same place, same time encounters. Annoying as it would have been nice to have something more than casual aquaintences to see in the day time.

I agree it is hard, I’m now on dc3 and I haven’t made any Mum friends really. I chat to people but I never want to ask them to meet up as I suppose I worry that they wouldn’t want to. And they never ask me. My DH was saying it’s weird that where we live there are three or four other mums I know from the school run who lives a few doors away from me, but we never meet up or go for a coffee. In his home country he thinks it would be much more sociable. He may be right, I don’t know. I think covid has a lot to answer for here and as you said in your OP, some people have a friendship circle already that they don’t want to expand in their 20s/30s/40s.

I get it. I think baby classes can be quite hard to make friends in - people are usually dashing off at the end or baby needs feeding/changing. I've made a few mum friends over the years but not loads, and it changes as you all go back to work and it's hard to work round differing schedules sometimes. My view was it's good to have "people I'm friendly with" at classes even if they never transition to being friends - people who I'm always pleased to see and have a chat with but we've never got round to swapping numbers.

I didn't make any mum friends when DC were babies.

I did find that Church Baby groups or Children's Centres were more friendly though, it may be worth her trying those if there are any around your local area?

Give it time. She will meet loads of people as your dc grow up. Friendships will happen.

They might. Or they might not. Hasn't happened for me in the last 8 years.

@Clymene

Why do you think the way she looks has anything to do with it?

This.

@Gandalf456

I remember the spare part feeling well. I sometimes think it's better if you just stop trying and look upon other mothers as a similar thing to work colleagues - some you might get on with and some you might not and there is always a slight distance.

Once I started doing that, I relaxed and appreciated the relationships for what they were - a friendly face to say hi to in the playground, someone to grab a coffee with if you were both at a loose end, someone to ask about school events, do lift shares with, swap childcare. Even then, these were few and far between.

I recall when my daughter was about 10 and inviting a few mums back for wine after. It was nice. Really nice but, again, always a bit distant. An old friend turned up, too, and honestly, it was like coming home. I could open up, relax and talk honestly again. My advice? Keep the old friends and build on them. Let baby / mum friends occur naturally. Your child will make his own friends regardless as did mine. They are both at secondary school now. One will be doing her A levels next year. To be honest, I am glad all that bit is behind me but, now and then, I will bump into an old mum acquaintance, as I did today, and we did have a lovely chat.

This is fab advice. Same here. I struggled to make friends and it actually dented my confidence at the time. But once I relaxed a bit, stopped expecting too much, I found some friendly people. DD is now at High School and funnily enough I still see some of the Mums now and get on well with them!

I found classes less good for making friends compared to one's that were more just meetups (I had most success at one that met at a church hall that was for babies and pregnant women- not a proper class but baby toys and play mats out and tea for the mums). There was also a baby coffee meet up that was ok. Go to same one more than once, it can be hard if they seem to already have their friends but if someone new appears that's a good chance to make a move. Have to be a bit brave with it unfortunately (I'm socially awkward and shy and this was so hard!). Some people it works out with some it doesn't.

Someone might have suggested it already but I’ve made a few mum friends through the app Peanut. It’s essentially tinder for new mums.

I found it really difficult to make friends at baby classes. Our baby classes have been socially distanced with masks, not the normal mixing. Peanut let me chat to other new mums in the same position as it has been a really isolating time for new mums, I was able to meet people for socially distanced walks when that is all we were able to do!

The thing is...

She has absolutely nothing whatsoever in common with these women other than that she had a baby around the same time they did. Many of them may well be on their 2nd, or will already know each other from previous groups, school gates, or having lived in the area for ages and maybe even went to school together.

I made not one single friend at the NCT group I went to. Talk about cliquey - it was grim. It was a little bit better at parent and baby group because it was run by someone who lived in the next street to me, and I already knew her slightly. So I didn't feel quite so left out.

In the end, I looked on baby groups as somewhere to have a brief chat with acquaintances, rather than a place for me to actively find friends.

Some of these comments are so unhelpful.

You might not have wanted mum friends, loathed maternity leave and hated talking about babies but not everyone is like this I assure you.

I was lucky and met some of my best friends at baby groups and toddler group all those (18) years ago. I did vaguely know a couple of people there which did help. I didn't particularly sit and hat with them but if gave me a bit more confidence to go in the first place and be a bit more chatty.

Sorry OP, that doesn't really help but I think you sound lovely and hopefully things will change for your wife soon.

Give the guy a break about the looks comment! It could well be the issue- perhaps something about her looks is unconventional and/or might be intimidating?

No it isn’t just her.

We did NCT with 4 other lovely couples. For the first 9 months it was wonderful, we had lots of daytime meet ups and several evenings out. It was lovely! And then....mums started returning to work and it all changed. A year later and everyone had stopped seeing each other.

I’ve been in your wife’s shoes with baby groups and classes. I found almost everyone seemed to go to baby groups with a friend/s so had very little interest in chatting to anyone other than their friend/s. I never made any friends at groups. I found classes a lot easier because you’re occupied but still never made friends to chat to beyond seeing them each week and chatting in the class.

Your wife won’t be doing anything wrong. I remember feeling so disappointed with my first child because NCT gave me the impression I would make this huge circle of ‘mum’ friends by going to groups/classes and it didn’t happen. I was always friendly, but not intrusive. I’m really good at making small talk and listening.

My worst two experiences were going to a baby group and making conversation with two women, after a few minutes I had to chase after my crawling child and I heard one say to the other ‘I’m not interested in making new friends’ and the other replied ‘nor am I’. My other worst experience was at a baby group and there wasn’t anywhere to sit and eat apart from one table that had a couple of empty chairs and a woman sitting on her own. I thought great so wandered over, I said hello and sat down, she immediately said ‘you can’t sit there I’m saving those seats for my friends’. So I got back up.

I met some nice people at baby groups.

Same way I met some nice parents at the school gate.

Do I want to be friends with them on the basis that we've both bred? No cos beyond that, we've had fuck all in common and I found most of them dull as dishwater.

Add to that the fact that people are still actively reigning in a lot of socialising rather than fully 'putting themselves out there' in the way they would have pre-covid - for a variety of different reasons.

I will stress the point that just because you are a woman who has a child of a similar age, it doesn't mean you are a friendship match any more than when a single man meets a single woman they will always full in love...

I don’t know why you’re getting critical comments here, OP. It’s good that you’re concerned for DW. Making new friends is hard when you’re no longer student-age, I’ve found, and takes longer than I expect every time.

Best of luck to you and her. I’m sure she’ll notice one day that some of the people around her have become friends rather than just acquaintances.

It would be a big coincidence wouldn't it if your wife found some genuine new best friend just because they happened to all have sex around the same time and went to the same chilly church hall with their babies? Can't you step up and give her more time to do things she's interested in and then she's more likely to make friends with people she actually shares a common interest with?

'Baby friends'? Is this a thing now? Surely people need to have more in common than having had a baby? I just stuck with the friends I'd already got.

What age is baby? She really doesn't need to be doing all those activities it's a lot of pressure for a new mum. Babies just like having their family around them, they don't care if they go swimming and they certainly don't need to go to soft play. Anyway best place to have a chat with other mums is those mums and tots groups in church halls and you get a cup of tea and cake too.

It isn't likely to be her. I've done this with three babies and it can be very hit or miss. I was part of three baby groups. Very much on the outside for my middle child. Never understood why. Not really included in anything. I guess I wasn't a fit. I have kept one enduring friendship with a mum from group for baby 1. The group for baby 3 and I meet twice a year. That's it from years of baby groups/toddler classes.

My next door neighbour and I have dc a few weeks apart. We get on well. I would listen to her NCT group meet at her house every Thursday morning. I was never invited. Sometimes your face doesn't fit, sometimes it is a cliquey thing, sometimes it's bad luck. The most important thing is she has opportunities to enjoy your baby, and to socialise or have time away from dc sometimes, according to how she feels.

I didn't make more than passing acquaintances at baby groups, I went to lots of groups and classes but my main aim there was to just get out of the house. NCT group were nice but quite spread about so only one proper friend from that . Almost everyone I have made friends with locally is via a walking group for mums. Maybe because we had something in common other than babies? DD is in school now and they are the people I still see.