To wonder why my wife can't make baby friends?

[SunshineDad2021]

I love my wife to pieces, and so do all my friends and family. She has a handful of close friends who she spends time with, but for some reason she hasn't been able to make any "baby friends", despite us doing NCT, baby classes and swimming.

We got a pretty rubbish group for NCT, which also happened to be virtual. Nobody wanted to meet up after, other than 2 girls, who then went on to be friends (they were acquaintances already...). The other groups and classes my wife tells me a lot of women go who know each other already OR they get up and leave and don't want to socialise.

She feels pretty shit about it sometimes. Literally nobody ever has a problem with her so why is it so hard for her to make mum friends to go to play dates, soft play etc with?

Not sure if it's the way she looks, if she's too introverted, or if she opens up too much.... or just that she's had shit luck at being in groups where people already know each other and don't want any more friends. Surely it's not just her that feels lonely?!

I wish people would give the age of the baby.
Could be 2 weeks, could be 2 years. It makes a big difference.

What I don't get is why it's ok to complain about being single and talk about actively seeking a romantic partner but so many people sneer at people seeking out friendship. There's nothing shameful about wanting to make friends with other people in the same situation.

For what it's worth I found the best place was stay and play. I'm pretty cynical about zoom or mat based activities for meeting new people. Even if you do it all right sometimes you don't come across the right people for you, it's part strategy and part chance I think.

Could she go back to work a bit earlier so that she feels like maternity leave is less of a stretch? Once all the mums go back to work no-one is really around to hang out anymore anyway. Its a very short time really!

Surprised at responses here. It's great to have friends to go out for lunch and coffee while your other friends are working, and a baby is a huge thing to have in common. You can exchange notes on feeding, illness, sleeping etc. It's good to talk about that stuff. It's a bit like starting uni - lots of people are keen to make friends, and there's an obvious topic of conversation.
I met good friends through breastfeeding group. But apart from that I would just persevere. If you keep appearing at the same groups people will start to include you. If anyone does ever include you in an invitation, accept.
It won't be anything to do with your wife if she has normal social skills.

I found my local breastfeeding group the best place to socialise as a new mum. Most women there had an issue to solve (or used to), which meant we had something in common. Also mostly everyone was a bit dishevelled and out of sorts which was less intimidating. But it also took many chats and putting myself out there before I eventually picked up one friend (she's my best friend now).

I picked up another solid mum friend at a mental health support group for new mums.

I found it easier to connect at these targeted groups being surrounded by people who I could assume felt more or less like me (lonely/struggling/had an issue to solve) rather than generic mum&baby groups where we all might be just too different or unwilling to show any vulnerability.

It's like dating. You have to put yourself out there and not fear rejection. If your wife gels with someone, the next step is to ask for their number and then send a non-committal message..."Hi X, it was lovely to see you today. Just wondering if you might like to take the babies for a walk together sometime or have a coffee if you're not too busy?" She might get a polite brush-off in which case it's fine to stay friendly acquaintances but she might not.

It gets easier when your child gets older as they will start to express a preference for certain other children as well. From around 15 months, I focused on meeting up with the parents of the toddlers that my DS most enjoyed bumbling around with at classes/the playground so, even if I didn't get anything out of it, he enjoyed himself! And it's much less awkward to say to another parent, "Look, our kids really enjoy playing together. Shall we arrange a meet-up for next week so they can play again?" Sometimes the parents become your friends and sometimes you stay friendly acquaintances who both want your DC to have a good time. And that's fine.

What I don't get is why it's ok to complain about being single and talk about actively seeking a romantic partner but so many people sneer at people seeking out friendship. There's nothing shameful about wanting to make friends with other people in the same situation.

I suspect it's a self selecting group of people on here who struggle with friends and therefore rely on Mumsnet. In real life most people do want to make friends

Sometimes it just takes a while to find your people. I went to several things and then clicked with a few mums at a local music group and then at the local NCT group.

She maybe needs to try a few more things until she finds something where she likes the people.

Volunteering might help as well so if she goes to the local playgroup, ask if they need any help.

I’ve never met people through baby groups either. I eventually made mum friends by doing baby swimming and suggesting a play afterwards, connecting with people on the mush app and on local Facebook groups. On our local Facebook group there’s often people posting who are in the same boat as your wife and want to meet up with others. They always get loads of replies.

My attitude at group things stems from trying to make things run smoothly for everyone. In general I'm not keen on big group activities, but if there's one going on I go for taking an interest, being responsive, and perhaps taking the time to engage someone who's looking a bit shy or sidelined.
Some people I gel with, and others I don't. But I have always found that taking an interest in people opens doors. I'm open, but don't overshare, and likewise I take an interest ( I suppose there's much to be said for being able to, or at least trying to read non verbal cues) but without being pushy/nosey.
The best friendship are slow burn, I have found. I had a nice handful of friends I met when the children were little, and some developed into closer friendships which have stuck nearly 30 years on. Others were more about the children playing but finding less in common, and they've drifted, which is also fine.
I still find it easy to get chatting to people now, and have no difficulty in inviting them for coffee now. Like your wife @SunshineDad2021 I have my family and friends already, so a secure base, so I have no need to put pressure on myself or other people to be instant friends. It's lovely when these things evolve naturally, and to an extent it's a numbers game.
I do find it off putting when new people want to get close quickly though.
I wish you and your wife all the best.

Try a church mum and baby group! They're always really welcoming and sociable

It’s incredibly hard to make real, ‘mum’ friends. I had one group I liked but then when most went back to work, no contact ever again and I felt very lonely (12 years ago now). In truth I didn’t make real good friends until my children were at school. It won’t be anything about your wife but I suppose it’s just quite hard to gel with people properly just because you both happen to have had babies at the same time.

One suggestion might be to help out running a baby group - that way she might meet lots of prospective friends??

and a baby is a huge thing to have in common.
Oh gosh, I couldn’t disagree more! I think this is the issue – it was for me. A baby is your only point of commonality sometimes, and it’s really not a huge thing to have in common – loads of people have babies. But they all have varied parenting approaches and different babies and it can be no fun trying to be friends with the “oh, I was out and about on day one, baby just sleeps, no?” faux concern crowd if you’re in “monster colic baby weeks in hospital losing your mind” crowd.

And once you get through the newborn madness you can have nothing else in common with your NCT group except you all had babies at a similar time. You wouldn’t try to befriend everyone with the same hair colour, or left-handers, or names beginning with P, and assume you’ll all click. “Women with babies” is an equally random subset, imo.

@hotmeatymilk
100% agree with this!! You can have absolutely zero in common with other mums/babies which as a new mum made me feel even more isolated

But do you need anything in common?

I’m just musing really as yes, I have friends like me but equally, I have friends who are nothing like me - different backgrounds, ages, outlooks even - and it makes life interesting and varied.

If I only ever made friends with people I had things in common with i would massively restrict my friendships!

Tell her it’s a waste of time! She should just go to some bring baby to cinema screenings and see her real friends while you look after baby.
It is hard cos it’s so fake! You’re hanging with someone because you both have kids and the chances off really clicking are rare.
It gets easier when they’re toddlers.
Some of our closest friends now, mums and dads , are from when our kids started nursery. I don’t know many people who still
See their NCT ‘friends’.

Best groups to make friends are local playgroup s run by churches. All the paid groups I didnt make any friends. Got amazing group of mum friends now but it's because I went every week to the same church playgroup s. It's hard but worth it x

I only made one friend from toddler and baby groups/ swimming/massage etc.

And that was one I saw at two different groups.

What’s better is ntc when it works or we had a hv run group for new mums.

Other than that the nct ‘coffee morning’ is friendly - people are just there to talk. Can she try and find one of those?

Where we are lots of mums have plenty of support already from relatives / inlaws /friends so I found it sooo hard to get people to connect with... they a generally weren't at the baby groups to make friends...(lots came with their own friends! )I went to everything and eventually made a few friendships.. Take the pressure off.. if she meets someone well and good but more will come along. It's tough and its more fun with friends but shes not doing anything 'wrong'...lots of kid based friendships don't go the distance in my experience its friends from work or personal interests that last.

She says she speaks to people more at her gym class (on the rare occasions she gets to go and have an hour to herself)

Why do you need her to have "mum" friends rather than just friends of any type or place? Sounds like she makes friends at the gym and elsewhere.

Why is it you posting here and not your wife?

My “mum friends” are mostly friends I made at work who had babies 5,6,10 years before I did. I never clicked with my NCT group, and found baby groups insufferable, by and large.

Don’t get hung up on finding “mum friends” who are at the same age and stage- though I understand for some people that’s very desirable, so you can “go through” stuff at the same time, IMO almost ANY mum with children under 10 a) remembers b)understands and c) can help you put things into perspective (because they’ve survived it!) Also, maternity leave flies past- if it’s about having people to be with through that, I would say by the time you’re “chummy” it’s time to go back to work!

Your wife must know people with children - has she tried bringing those friends in closer?

I’m glad I’ve found this thread. I moved to new area with a 1 year old. I’d already bonded with a couple of mums from baby stage that I had to leave behind and then trying to get friendly with new people between 1-2 was rather unsuccessful. I’d talk to people first, exchange numbers and suggest a meetup, which for some reason wouldn’t go ahead and then you’re back to square one and a bit discouraged.

I haven't read the whole thread.
OP I'm 50 now with the baby years behind me, but my youngest is 7 so it's not so long ago.
I guess my question is, are playgroups happening in your area OP? I know covid would have been the death of your local playgroups and it wouldn't surprise me if they haven't resurfaced, but check with your local church halls to see who is running playgroups. I'd be surprised if they're up and running, but it's worth a check.
Also, check out mum and baby swim groups at your local pool.
Check out mum and baby fitness classes in the area.
Check out mum and baby everything.
Does your area have a local website/online newsletter or do you get a local 'what's on' magazine through your letterbox?

One thing is for sure, once your little one is at nursery/primary school, your wife will inevitably make more friends. The start of school is really the beginning of a better social life with other mums.

I never made Mum friends either. So many baby groups are 'clique' (?), run by people who seem to encourage this.

Sometimes you're just unlucky and you join a bit late, or people knew each other before and keep to this.

Making mummy friends isn't as easy as just turning up at baby groups. I'm a really out going, social type normally, but I didn't make any mummy friends. I would stand alone in the school playground, end up sitting alone in baby groups and swimming lessons etc. I guess my face just didn't fit.

I only ended up talking to one woman, who the same as me, friendly, sociable and outgoing, who I got talking to when my dc was at play school, who id now class as a mummy friend. But I think it was because neither of us was interested in gossiping about other people, and mums can be quite cliquey and I'm just not into that sort of thing.