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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my children to attend our Christmas meal?

260 replies

Worryingmama · 15/11/2021 23:55

Going to in-laws this year for Christmas Day. We have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. It’s long been in-law tradition to do Christmas dinner as a supper in the evening rather than at lunch. This was fine for the pre-grandchildren years but since we’ve had kids it has bothered me. This year with our eldest being 4 years old, it just seems to mean to have it at a time they will be in bed! In laws claim children don’t enjoy long sit down meals and it’s better to do in adult-only time. For me, even if kids need a bit of persuading to sit down for it, the Christmas meal should be a whole-family celebration.

AIBU to feel quite pissed off about this?

OP posts:
Queenslotus · 15/11/2021 23:57

I would find that a bit bizarre and would want my children at Christmas dinner. However, ultimately to keep the peace id probably give the children something they enjoy more and enjoy my dinner in peace.

Your children will have years and years of sitting at the table for Christmas dinner so I wouldn’t overthink it :)

toomuchlaundry · 15/11/2021 23:59

What do you do for lunch? At what age would they be deemed old enough to eat with the adults?

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 16/11/2021 00:02

@Queenslotus

I would find that a bit bizarre and would want my children at Christmas dinner. However, ultimately to keep the peace id probably give the children something they enjoy more and enjoy my dinner in peace.

Your children will have years and years of sitting at the table for Christmas dinner so I wouldn’t overthink it :)

Screw keeping the peace, if the in-laws want their quiet, adult Christmas meals, they can damn well do so without OP and her family.
Suspiciousmind20 · 16/11/2021 00:02

We had this with a different family celebration dinner. It was timed at DC bedtime. We explained that would mean that I would be upstairs. But they did it any way and I ate cold food later on. My DC was first grandchild. Since DSIL had had DC suddenly everything is child centred.

I think it’s lovely to have children included in these significant family traditions. It changes them, for sure, but says ‘you belong with us and we enjoy you, you are an important member of this family.’

PegasusReturns · 16/11/2021 00:02

I wouldn’t tolerate that!

4 is old enough to understand the celebration and to sit still for long enough. And even if they’re not I’d want my DC with me for lunch.

Enko · 16/11/2021 00:05

Well, I am Scandinavian so our main celebration is 24th in the evening. I have many fond memories of being allowed to stay up late sitting at the dinner table before the presents etc.

So for me it has to be YABU different ways to do things doesn't mean they cant create good memories.

However, nothing stopping you from doing your own family Christmas sans inlaws

EileenGC · 16/11/2021 00:07

I’m also from a country that does dinner very late on the 24th (starters around 10pm) and all kids stay up late that evening, it’s fine and lovely.

That said, whatever plans you make should be agreed by everyone and not just ‘imposed’ by one party only.

RandomRoulette · 16/11/2021 00:10

"This year we'd like to have Christmas Dinner together as a family. We understand you'd rather eat in the evening so we won't be coming to the meal on Dec 25. Look forward to seeing you on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day instead."

AutumnLeaves21 · 16/11/2021 00:10

Can’t the kids stay up late to enjoy? I’m all for adult only events/meals usually, but not christmas dinner ffs! YANBU, time to start making your own family traditions, maybe?

Vitallyli · 16/11/2021 00:15

We had same issue and I suggested moving Christmas meal for lunch time and have adult easy cheese crackers and booze dinner. I think it's nice for kids to stay up late as a one off but when they are that young they'll just be too tiered.

WorraLiberty · 16/11/2021 00:17

I think YABU

You said yourself it's long been a tradition, so just because you've had kids why should they change that to an earlier time?

Keep your child up if you think they'll behave and not spoil the meal due to tiredness but don't expect them to change their timings if you've accepted the invitation knowing the time.

RuggerHug · 16/11/2021 00:17

If the rest of the day is fun and there's a nice lunch(even if it isn't the full Christmas Dinner) then I can kind of see their point if it's what they've always done and it's after the kids are in bed so there's no "look at all this lovely stuff now off you go" to it. Do you have to go for the full day or could you call in on the morning then just head home to do your own thing?

WorraLiberty · 16/11/2021 00:18

@RandomRoulette

"This year we'd like to have Christmas Dinner together as a family. We understand you'd rather eat in the evening so we won't be coming to the meal on Dec 25. Look forward to seeing you on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day instead."
Exactly

And then the ball is in their court if they choose to offer to change.

FolkyFoxFace · 16/11/2021 00:20

Would they/you be happy with kids staying up later to enjoy the meal? We've always had ours between 6 -9pm. We stayed up as kids and it was wonderful. It's only one day. I'll be doing the same now I have DC.

steppemum · 16/11/2021 00:21

the thing is, on another day it might be fine to stay up late, but I bet they were awake early and pver excited all day and now over sugared and over tired.

This is not a great evening for staying up late.

3 options I think

  1. suck it up, this is their way.
  2. negotiate a time change, maybe to a late afternoon late lunch eg 4pm, I know many who do this. (I actually don;t like it but that's me)
  3. eat and home and go and visit on another day.

My brother made an announcement when his kids were 3/4 ish.
He said they were spending Christmas day in their own home every year and would do family before or after.
Now, we all go to him Grin

AnnieSnap · 16/11/2021 00:22

YANBU Christmas dinner/lunch us a family event.

WorraLiberty · 16/11/2021 00:25

And to be honest, they've raised their children. There's nothing wrong with wanting one adult thing for themselves when the kids have gone to bed tired and happy.

LuluBlakey1 · 16/11/2021 00:28

Our 3 have all had Christmas dinner with us. DS2 slept through his first in his cot upstairs but apart from that they've done all of them. DS1's first- he was almost 12 months, DH took all the snaps out of the crackers incase they scared him. Hmm PIL mention it every year- by asking if, or pointing out that, this years crackers have snaps.

WorraLiberty · 16/11/2021 00:32

@LuluBlakey1

Our 3 have all had Christmas dinner with us. DS2 slept through his first in his cot upstairs but apart from that they've done all of them. DS1's first- he was almost 12 months, DH took all the snaps out of the crackers incase they scared him. Hmm PIL mention it every year- by asking if, or pointing out that, this years crackers have snaps.
DH took all the snaps out of the crackers incase they scared him

I don't know why that made me laugh but it did 🤣🤣

I'm not saying he shouldn't have done it or anything (it's quite sweet really) but I can see why your PIL point it out.

Weatherwax13 · 16/11/2021 00:34

If your child is going to be ok with staying up for dinner, that should be the end of discussions. Of course the DC joins in!
Some kids of your child's age are brilliant staying up late, others can be tired and grouchy and a right pain by the evening,( like one of my GC) especially after the excitement of Christmas Day. That can be stressful for the mum, trying to get them to sit nicely.
I'm a grandmother, I dealt with this by just changing the old time of when we had our dinner Christmas Day. Surely a simple accommodation that anyone can make.
My DH and I have our quiet "grown up" dinner Christmas Eve after nearly 30 years of having children at home. We've earned it Grin
It's no bloody hardship not having it on the 25th
I wouldn't dream of having family over on Christmas Day and exclude the GC?Hmm
Traditions don't have to be set in stone. I never understand people who are completely inflexible as their family grows and changes. It just seems selfish.
I'm all for child free occasions when the whole point is the parents getting an evening's peace.
But surely Christmas Day is all about the kids?

IWishToAnswerInTheAffirmative · 16/11/2021 00:42

I am quite impressed that you have a four year old who would comply with this.

If my four year old got wind that there was to be things going on at granny’s while she was asleep, she simply would not go to sleep. I’d end up missing dinner sitting in her bedroom trying to settle her.

Coyoacan · 16/11/2021 00:43

It sounds as if the in-laws do not want the children at the meal, otherwise I would say just keep them up. Where I live we celebrate the night of the 24th and all the children stay up.

Snoozer11 · 16/11/2021 00:46

I can kind of understand them tbh...

If you're spending the rest of the day with your kids you could have a special lunch or do something on the afternoon with them. Then have some adult time in the evening.

I don't think your kids will mind missing out on sprouts.

Slippy78 · 16/11/2021 00:49

YABU.

Why wouldn't you prefer to have Xmas dinner when the children aren't around? Sounds like bliss to me...

givethatbabyaname · 16/11/2021 00:56

I’d do a kid-based lunch with presents etc during the day. Have lots of fun and play and tire them out. Take them upstairs for bath and bed while others sort out xmas dinner and then join them for an uninterrupted Xmas dinner with lots of booze!