To want my children to attend our Christmas meal?

[Worryingmama]

Going to in-laws this year for Christmas Day. We have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. It’s long been in-law tradition to do Christmas dinner as a supper in the evening rather than at lunch. This was fine for the pre-grandchildren years but since we’ve had kids it has bothered me. This year with our eldest being 4 years old, it just seems to mean to have it at a time they will be in bed! In laws claim children don’t enjoy long sit down meals and it’s better to do in adult-only time. For me, even if kids need a bit of persuading to sit down for it, the Christmas meal should be a whole-family celebration.

AIBU to feel quite pissed off about this?

I agree with op have very happy memories as a child he I g big Christmas lunch with all extended family. Would be so mean to have him lying in bed hearing all the fun. Yes some 4 year olds won’t care but some will.

Life changes when children and grandchildren come along and it sounds like your in laws want things done a certain way.

I think this is unfair on you and the children, can’t they change the timings and have Christmas lunch at say 1pm (approx) while the children are so young?

This Christmas does not sound very inclusive.

I know what they mean, with such small dc the main focus could end up being wrestling with them to eat and stay there and so on.
But if they don't want dc there why are are you going?
Why have they invited you, as pp said they want a quiet Xmas dinner, they have told you about what young dc like and don't like which is extremely high handed.
It means you are put in an awkward position to push back, well your experience of dc is that, our dc will enjoy it etc...

They sound ridged and imoveable I'm not sure I'd go.

Ie what I think would have been a kinder more diplomatic way to host would be to say " we usually do a iater meal on Xmas day, would that be convenient, would you like to eat with dc or with adults? Or keep dc up, as your the parents of small dc what would be preferred by you." then as pp said some would adore an adult meal some not... Asking is always more preferable to telling.

We have Christmas Day at home. We go to dm Christmas Eve and celebrate 24th, but main Christmas I make a late lunch and it’s ready about 2.30. It goes on til about 5 when it’s ‘we’re stuffed o’clock’.

Why accept an inviation that doesnt suit your needs?

If your children cant/wont stop up, and thats when the main meal is served, do them something else earlier.

No 4 year old, never mind a one year old, ever died of ''not having a full roast on christmas day''

YABU. 4 year old can stay up late, it'll be part of the memories and add to that special feeling. If the 1 year old is tired he/she can go to bed, they won't remember the meal anyway.

I think yabu, sorry. A 4 year old after a no doubt early start to the day and all the excitement won't enjoy sitting and behaving through a long leisurely meal and the 1 year old won't care.

YANBU. Christmas is a family gathering and should be done at a time suitable for the whole family. I’m finding the idea of the kids being excluded and placated with some chicken nuggets so sad.

They sound like my dad and his instance on having things he knows his grandsons (age 8 and 10) won’t like. Has an idea in his head and won’t be shifted.

You haven't given a time so I couldn't answer without that key fact!

No but a smarter intelligent 4 year old will sure as hell feel left out if there’s a build up to a big meal and he has to go to bed! Some younger kids are fine at staying up mine were others become hideous whiny nightmares. My friends dc did - perfectly nice kids but if they stayed up late it was jeykell and Hyde! Didn’t believe e it until I witnessed it!

TBH, I think they've got a point about kids not enjoying long sit-down meals. Why don't you do your own family lunch on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day? It will be more relaxed with just the 4 of you, and it also means that the excitement for the kids is spread out, not all crammed into one day, which often leads to meltdowns because they're overwhelmed.

Also, what time is the evening meal - will this really be an 'adult only time', or will you be trying to calm down an excited 4 year old and a wide awake 1 year old while your ILs have their meal?

Yeah - if dinner's going to start at 9 that's one thing, if dinner is scheduled for 7.30 and you're expected to ensure the children are out the way and asleep by then, absolutely not.

Can the DC take an afternoon nap and stay up late to share the meal?

expatmigrant totally agree! Why would you sit upstairs trying to get a reluctant child to sleep, why not bring them down a have them enjoy a family Christmas.

@Cocogreen

The in-laws can keep their tradition but you don't have to be part of it. Just don't go: see them on Boxing Day. An aside - these families who have Christmas Day set in stone and never want to change anything can make it very stressful as the family changes and in-laws and children are added.

I was going to say the same. I wouldn’t have enjoyed eating a special meal without my dc, even when they were too small to really understand or enjoy it. For me, once I had dc Christmas was about them. Luckily our families agree.

If your pil absolutely won’t reconsider I would be spending the day at home.

I can understand them wanting to enjoy a relaxed, adult dinner. I don't think that's compatible with inviting children to spend Christmas with them. Christmas dinner is a major part of the celebration.

Young DC can join in with it for long enough, they usually want to part of the social action. So long as they have food they like, fun stuff like crackers and things to do, they'll be fine.

Time to start your own traditions.
Like staying at home and eating Xmas lunch with your dc..

I think your mil is right. Most small children don't relish having to sit still for any length of time and Christmas is a massively overwhelming day for kids where routine is thrown out the window and they get loads of new stuff so chances of having a calm time sat down is slim! No 4 year old I know gives a fig about Christmas dinner, especially if they've been indulging in their Christmas chocolate since the morning! You have the opportunity to make the daytime all about the children and then get to relax and enjoy a lovely meal and some wine and adult company once they're in bed, sounds like the perfect Christmas to me!

Blimey my kids are late teens and I’m already imagining the time when they’ve got their own kids and I invite them here for Christmas and we’re all around a table celebrating together! I can’t imagine refusing to fit in with the kids’ routines and excluding them. YANBU OP.

Either have dinner at yours, or keep the dc up longer. I wouldn't let them miss out.

And indeed, how late would you have to eat to ensure they are settled in bed first? Most likely very late!

Will you be facing pressure and anxiety / annoyance about all adults not being ready to sit down for the dinner at the appointed time, because you're busy doing DC bedtime?

I can understand them wanting to enjoy a relaxed, adult dinner. I don't think that's compatible with inviting children to spend Christmas with them. Christmas dinner is a major part of the celebration.

I agree. And there's no reason there can't be a special bit of the day for adults later but I can't see why it would be the whole dinner rather than a boozy cheeseboard or posh canapes or whatever.

Out of interest - you say the in-laws tradition has 'long' been this late meal, was it like this when your DH and any siblings were little?

We have never eaten Christmas dinner in the middle of the day. Even when dc were tiny we always ate in the evening. They're used to this as we work & would never eat until at least 7pm.

We always have early coffee & cake opening the presents.

Then a big cooked breakfast/ brunch around midday with champagne- mostly traditional cooked breakfast but some years it's been pancakes & crispy bacon & maple syrup etc

Then chocolate etc in afternoon & grandparents & smaller kids have some quiet/ nap time

Then everyone all perked up & dc would change for dinner into What ever sparkly thing they loved & we all sit around the table. My v fav time of the day.

Kids had the freedom to come & go at the table but for the greater part loved sitting with grandparents & the candles etc

Magical times!