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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my children to attend our Christmas meal?

260 replies

Worryingmama · 15/11/2021 23:55

Going to in-laws this year for Christmas Day. We have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. It’s long been in-law tradition to do Christmas dinner as a supper in the evening rather than at lunch. This was fine for the pre-grandchildren years but since we’ve had kids it has bothered me. This year with our eldest being 4 years old, it just seems to mean to have it at a time they will be in bed! In laws claim children don’t enjoy long sit down meals and it’s better to do in adult-only time. For me, even if kids need a bit of persuading to sit down for it, the Christmas meal should be a whole-family celebration.

AIBU to feel quite pissed off about this?

OP posts:
EdgeOfTheSky · 16/11/2021 07:57

We are a Christmas Dinner in the evening family. We like the day to be more relaxed, to enjoy the daylight hours, play with the kids, new toys etc.

Also the more romantic evening meal: candles etc.

When there have been young children dinner has been brought forward an hour or so, and the kids have stayed up late.

nimbuscloud · 16/11/2021 07:58

Is this your first time being with them on Christmas Day since your elder child was born?

IggleyP · 16/11/2021 07:59

I see there are a lot of people saying it will be a treat for the DC to stay up late and it doesn’t matter if they fall asleep on the floor etc. But from the OP it sounds like the in laws have made it clear that the DC are not invited as they want “adult time” so that rules out involving them at all, sounds like they want and expect them to be asleep and then OP to be ready for dinner

LettertoHermoine · 16/11/2021 08:03

Start your own traditions but leave everyone else's alone. Ridiculous accepting an invite knowing the lay of the land and then expect people to change a tradition that has been going on years because you now have kids. Stay at home and make traditions of your own.

LethargicActress · 16/11/2021 08:03

If your in laws don’t want to host all of your family properly, including your children, I don’t understand why you’d agree to go.

Newmumatlast · 16/11/2021 08:04

@Worryingmama

Going to in-laws this year for Christmas Day. We have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. It’s long been in-law tradition to do Christmas dinner as a supper in the evening rather than at lunch. This was fine for the pre-grandchildren years but since we’ve had kids it has bothered me. This year with our eldest being 4 years old, it just seems to mean to have it at a time they will be in bed! In laws claim children don’t enjoy long sit down meals and it’s better to do in adult-only time. For me, even if kids need a bit of persuading to sit down for it, the Christmas meal should be a whole-family celebration.

AIBU to feel quite pissed off about this?

Keep them up. It's Christmas
PlausibleSuit · 16/11/2021 08:07

YABU. It’s their house, they’re laying on the food and hosting. It’s 100% their decision when they eat their meals.

It is a bit shit to exclude the young kids but you’d be unreasonable to dictate when they serve food and eat in their own home.

If you don’t like it, don’t go. Or have them to yours and do Christmas lunch in the middle of the day.

PurpleDaisies · 16/11/2021 08:09

It’s their tradition. At some point the children will be old enough to stay up. You’ll have the rest of the day together. Presumably you’ll all be fed at lunch time.

Plenty of children see their grandparents at Christmas but not for a meal ever time. I don’t see this is any different from that.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 16/11/2021 08:10

Please let me know where to purchase these toddlers that can get up at the crack of dawn on Xmas day , power through 10 hours of excitement then stay up past their bedtime calmly eating a long meal Grin
Clearly my child malfunctioned Grin

Fundays12 · 16/11/2021 08:14

I don’t understand it at all Christmas is for family and given how young your kids are they will be sleeping even if you try keep them up. I would just say thanks but no thanks. We will have Christmas lunch at home with our kids will attend.

Pumpkinsonparade · 16/11/2021 08:15

So in say 3 year's time if pfb is allowed to join in are you going to be happy to send 1 of your dc to bed?
Does your dh have fond memories of Xmas with this rule?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/11/2021 08:16

I would just never have managed to have the children in bed in time to come down and enjoy it. And for a parent, it’s horrible being stuck upstairs settling children whilst everyone is having fun.

Plus it does seem mean to exclude children from the main meal/ festivity of the day. That’s their choice but I think I’d want to stay in my own home where children are welcome.

Personally I tend not to want to start big meals, drinking etc when my children are in bed - never did. Always felt like having wind down time at that point.

But that wold just be me/ my choice!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 16/11/2021 08:17

@Dontforgetyourbrolly see I want to know where to purchase the ones who’ll meekly go to bed on cue, when adults are evidently still up and partying…

MrsWooster · 16/11/2021 08:18

Have a childcentred Christmas at your house. The previous generation have had their chance to make Christmas’s that suit them and now it’s your turn.

DraigFach · 16/11/2021 08:19

My eldest would be delighted at being excluded from the Christmas meal, my youngest would be absolutely gutted.

That for me would dictate that we'd make our own Christmas meal arrangements and politely decline the invitation. Of all the days of the year, Christmas should be about inclusion, not exclusion.

YANBU

Spiceup · 16/11/2021 08:20

Actually, provided most of the day is child centred, that sounds like and excellent idea. Long large family dinners at my GPs were torture , soooooo boring

deplorabelle · 16/11/2021 08:20

I probably would have felt the same as you when my children were really young but I am on your in laws side now. You will not enjoy Christmas dinner with two tired, overexcited small children to wrangle (and that would also be true if you had it at lunchtime). In future years it will be exciting for them to be old enough to stay up for grown up Christmas dinner and they will enjoy the novelty. A 4 year old is more likely to find it a bit of an endurance trial.

To those folk berating the inlaws for "inflexibility" and telling the OP to throw a strop and stay at home, think that one through one more time....

Practicebeingpatient · 16/11/2021 08:21

Whatever you do, don't text them over this. Either speak to them yourself or your DH can do it. Texting doesn't allow for nuance or correcting misunderstandings. But YANBU to want a different tradition for your family.

PurpleDaisies · 16/11/2021 08:22

Plus it does seem mean to exclude children from the main meal/ festivity of the day. That’s their choice but I think I’d want to stay in my own home where children are welcome.
It’s not purposely excluding children. It’s carrying on with their king standing tradition.

Do children particularly enjoy sitting down for a meal? A lot of people are talking as if it’s going to be all gruel and coal at the parents’ house. It could be a lovely day but just without the formal sitting together for a full Christmas dinner.

EarlGreywithLemon · 16/11/2021 08:23

I don’t understand excluding children from family meals generally, let alone at Christmas. YANBU, they are family members and of course should eat with you at Christmas. I’d see your in laws on Boxing Day until your children are old enough to be allowed to join in.

Aderyn21 · 16/11/2021 08:24

I’m with the IL’s too. I honestly think that your children will have been playing and eating all day and will be ready to sleep. They won’t be missing out because children don’t enjoy extended meals in the same way that adults do.
Christmas isn’t only for children. Adults are allowed to have nice things for themselves too.

shouldistop · 16/11/2021 08:28

They want one kind of Christmas meal (not interrupted by children) and you'd prefer a family meal. Obviously you can't expect them to change their plans in their own home so I'd politely decline.
This is why we host Christmas at ours every year and anyone is welcome to come or not if they'd prefer. I like doing Christmas my way Grin
Most people come every year so they must like it too.

WhatsMyNameGonnaBeNow · 16/11/2021 08:39

I don’t think either are BU tbh. If you prefer to have an earlier Christmas dinner with your dc then you can decline the invitation and do that in your own home and there would be nothing wrong with you making that decision as the parents of small dc.

The ILs however are not obliged to change what is their Christmas tradition to suit your preferences. They’ve raised their dc and have moved on to a different type of Christmas. Not every part of the day has to be small child focused anyway and I really don’t think the dc will be missing out by not sitting through a long, late meal.

Presumably they’re not expecting their guests to go all day without eating so surely there’ll be an earlier meal that will include the dc?

INeedNewShoes · 16/11/2021 08:49

No 4 year old I know gives a fig about Christmas dinner

Mine does. She loves food and eating. Gathering at the table for Christmas lunch is the main event of the day in our family.

We don’t have a starter so I suppose that means it’s less drawn out than in some houses.

Tulipomania · 16/11/2021 08:49

Evening Christmas Dinner used to be my family's tradition - until our DC were born.

Then my parents were happy to move it to lunchtime and it has stayed at lunch ever since, even though the DC are now adults.

OP, could your PIL be persuaded to eat an hour earlier, and you let the DC stay up later (at least the 4 year old, the 1 year old won't know any different)?

Maybe get the 4 year old to have a nap in the afternoon so they are rested for the main event.