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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my children to attend our Christmas meal?

260 replies

Worryingmama · 15/11/2021 23:55

Going to in-laws this year for Christmas Day. We have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. It’s long been in-law tradition to do Christmas dinner as a supper in the evening rather than at lunch. This was fine for the pre-grandchildren years but since we’ve had kids it has bothered me. This year with our eldest being 4 years old, it just seems to mean to have it at a time they will be in bed! In laws claim children don’t enjoy long sit down meals and it’s better to do in adult-only time. For me, even if kids need a bit of persuading to sit down for it, the Christmas meal should be a whole-family celebration.

AIBU to feel quite pissed off about this?

OP posts:
Nataliefrances123 · 16/11/2021 11:36

I would also decline the invite, I would want the kids having Xmas Dinner with us as a family. See them another day

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 16/11/2021 11:36

@LittleGwyneth

I think this sounds great to be honest. You can have a super child oriented lunch during the day, put them to bed, then enjoy a relaxed adults only dinner with conversation and lots of wine.
Yes that’s also a good option.

Child and family unit-focused morning with presents/playtime/cosiness and then a very special lunch (maybe their favourite foods instead of an overtly ‘Christmassy’ meal, or maybe a little mini roast for them while you have a bacon sandwich or cheese and charcuterie board or whatever which they can obviously have too if they want it), then off to visit in-laws. Bedtime and then relaxing time for adults.

Maybe it can work in your favour, as long as you play it right.

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 16/11/2021 11:38

@thedefinitionofmadness

But it doesn't sound like they just want it a bit later, it sounds like they don't want the pesky kids around. Also, the 4 yo will probably be out like a light by about 7 or 8 after being up at 6 to run down to get his/her presents. Is it fair then to make the kid wait for their dinner until it's almost time for bed? I don't know about you, but I can't go to bed for a couple of hours after eating something substantial.

We loved it just being us last year and will be doing the same this year.

MsTSwift · 16/11/2021 11:43

are they the first grandchildren op?

peboh · 16/11/2021 11:46

I love the idea honestly. My daughter doesn't like roast dinners, and isn't fussed about sitting down for a meal with her dad and I, especially when she's got new presents and stuff. So eating in the evening with the adults where we can actually enjoy our meal, and have some conversation sounds lovely. You would still spend the day with your children, and enjoy the things they like them get to enjoy your meal.

AlwaysLatte · 16/11/2021 11:47

It's got everyone! If they insist how about having lunch at your house then going to them afterwards?

imnottoofussed · 16/11/2021 11:51

I've said YABU, not because I think the children shouldn't be at the meal but because its the in-laws decision so if you don't like the time the meal is at then you don't go

Howshouldibehave · 16/11/2021 11:51

At what point can children join this and get a Christmas dinner? 7? 10? 14? 18?

When did your DH have his first Christmas dinner with his parents, @Worryingmama?

I wouldn’t like this and would be starting my own traditions at my own house now, I think. Fine for all the pp’s who would like this, that’s great, but the OP clearly doesn’t.

What does your husband think to it all?

Hardbackwriter · 16/11/2021 11:57

I suppose your view on this probably also depends on the DC you have. My three year old is tricky in plenty of ways but has always been so greedy appreciative of good food that eating meals in or out with him is pretty easy, and actually quite a go-to family activity for us, and his little brother (known affectionately as 'Baby All Gone' or 'The Chunkster') is going the same way. So I would absolutely feel that them not being there for the meal would remove an important part of the day, and he'd be furious if he discovered that there were roast potatoes on offer but not for him! I can see how if you have less enthusiastic eaters it's quite different.

BluebellCockleshell123 · 16/11/2021 12:01

I think Christmas should be a family affair. What did your PILs do when your DH was a child? Did they still have an evening meal then? Did your DH never have a Christmas dinner until he was deemed old enough to stay up in the evening?

mafted · 16/11/2021 12:02

That annoying Facebook post that everyone seems to think is marvellous recommends feeding the children first.

We eat late and the children have always just joined in, mine have been used to eating at 7 or later on a normal day since they were babies though.

DH would rather eat at Lunch time on Christmas Day but he doesn't cook and I don't want to miss time with the children in the morning.

PurpleDaisies · 16/11/2021 12:03

I think Christmas should be a family affair. What did your PILs do when your DH was a child? Did they still have an evening meal then? Did your DH never have a Christmas dinner until he was deemed old enough to stay up in the evening?

Why is Christmas just this one meal? Haven’t they had the whole rest of the day doing Christmas things?

It would be really helpful if the op came back and filled in a few details. @Worryingmama what are your thoughts on the ten pages of response?

thedefinitionofmadness · 16/11/2021 12:04

Having just reread the OP properly am about to do a full 180.

If the kids are not allowed to join in then it is a bit mean. Mine always knew if something was afoot and they were missing out.

OTOH at 4 and 1 this is possibly the last year you can get away with an adult only dinner and presumably the day will be kid-focussed. So it could be nice, best of both worlds.

So long as 4 year old will be welcome if they can't get off to sleep and inlaws happy to organise the day how you want it when you host.

Howshouldibehave · 16/11/2021 12:05

It would be really helpful if the op came back and filled in a few details. @Worryingmama what are your thoughts on the ten pages of response?

Exactly! Come back and answer some questions? Your DH’s views would be v interesting

I do see Christmas dinner as the main event though and so do my kids!

thedefinitionofmadness · 16/11/2021 12:05

Obvs @Worryingmama works for some shitty tabloid mind. so its all irrelevant

Fairylights25 · 16/11/2021 12:16

Don’t agree to keeping the kids up they will be over tired and over excited and it will be a car crash.
Decline and see them another time.
Very selfish invitation with such little ones too

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/11/2021 12:21

We always have our Christmas dinner in the evening - but all the dses are adults, so it works fine. As and when any of them have children, we'll happily do Christmas dinner at lunchtime, to accommodate them, if we are hosting.

Yes, it means more work in the morning than if dinner is in the evening, but it also means that, once lunch is over, there's no more cooking to be done for the rest of the day.

PeeAche · 16/11/2021 12:31

There isn't a right or wrong answer here, OP. Do what matters to you. We would want our children present for Christmas dinner as it is part of the "event" of Christmas and no child is too young for that. Many others would not.

There's no need to upset anyone with brazen RSVPs. In-laws are family and would likely be unhappy to think you're feeling upset about this in any way. Start a conversation about it and look for compromise. Remember that a true compromise is one where nobody is really happy! 🤣

hangrylady · 16/11/2021 12:40

@Slippy78

YABU.

Why wouldn't you prefer to have Xmas dinner when the children aren't around? Sounds like bliss to me...

Some people like their kids
AryaStarkWolf · 16/11/2021 12:44

Some people like their kids

Yeah, I mean I love some adult time and all that but Christmas day of all days is surely all about family and children as well

MerryMarigold · 16/11/2021 12:47

I said YABU as that is their tradition and not sure how many others are involved (eg PIL's other children) but I think it's a bit unreasonable for you to want to change their tradition to suit your family. We have certain traditions in our family on Xmas morning and my dsis (or rather, her dh) does it differently with her DC so they usually come on Xmas day instead of staying over Xmas Eve. I think if you don't want to join in their family tradition you should explain you prefer to stay home or go later in the day.

MerryMarigold · 16/11/2021 12:47

Ps. Sorry, what did your dh do when he was little. Did they get to stay up for the dinner past a certain age or has this custom only come in since PIL's dc became adults?

Hardbackwriter · 16/11/2021 12:48

But also there will be adult time after the kids' bedtime either way, won't there? There's no reason that there can't be wine and adult chat and even nice food just because the meal happened earlier. If the meal is earlier people aren't just going to sit in mournful silence at the 'usual' time for the meal, surely?!

Original poster
Worryingmama · 16/11/2021 13:07

Hi all. Thanks for all the replies. Very very helpful.

In answer to some of the questions -

  • My partner feels the same as me and wants a meal to include the children. We also both like seeing extended family.
  • My partner and their sibling did have the meal at lunchtime when they were little. It only moved to evenings when they were older.
  • In laws live too far away to head over later in the day.
  • I’m honestly not sure whether they want an evening meal and would be happy for children to stay up, or whether they want adults only. As others have said, I think the compromise option (which I stupidly hadn’t thought of) is to keep our eldest up which I’m sure they would find a lot of fun. Hopefully the grandparents will agree to that at least!

We usually spend Christmas with grandparents/ extended family and have done for years and years. But something helpful I’ve taken from this discussion is that my partner and I need to talk about what kind of memories we want to create for the children and if that means usually spending the day at home (and hosting for those who want to join us) then all the better for it. I would actually love to host more.

Thanks again everyone.

Ps. Can assure I am not a tabloid journalist! 😂 If this might end up in a tabloid I’ll have to ask mumsnet to delete it for fear of my in laws seeing this!!

OP posts:
MsTSwift · 16/11/2021 13:10

Ha so when their own children were small it was lunch! They need to get with the program and revert back to that then don’t they

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