To want my children to attend our Christmas meal?

[Worryingmama]

Going to in-laws this year for Christmas Day. We have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. It’s long been in-law tradition to do Christmas dinner as a supper in the evening rather than at lunch. This was fine for the pre-grandchildren years but since we’ve had kids it has bothered me. This year with our eldest being 4 years old, it just seems to mean to have it at a time they will be in bed! In laws claim children don’t enjoy long sit down meals and it’s better to do in adult-only time. For me, even if kids need a bit of persuading to sit down for it, the Christmas meal should be a whole-family celebration.

AIBU to feel quite pissed off about this?

I wouldn’t want a huge Christmas dinner late in to evening anyway or to be having to cook it then either. Nice to get the cooking out the way early and have all afternoon to digest. Relaxed nibbles and wine in the evening after kids are in bed.
I understand it’s their long time tradition but things sometimes have to change, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to want to start a new tradition that suits your growing family and then it’s up to the in laws if they want to join in or see you another day.

The Christmas meal (and indeed family mealtimes in general) are precious to me and so intrinsically part of the festivities I’d want my children there. It wouldn’t be Christmas without it, for me, so of course I’d want them there. Everyone needs child-free times but I just don’t feel the Christmas meal is one of those times, and neither, apparently you, do you.

That said I really don’t think it’s up to you to dictate changes to another households traditions - you have to be willing to start your own at home. If it were me, I’d sit down and explain to them that on accepting the invite it dawned on me how important it is for my children to be involved, and that I therefore had made the decision to have Christmas dinner at home this year. I would personally still offer to visit them at some point. They can then do with that information what they will - change the time or expect you to do your own thing.

My 2 always looked forward to their dinner as much as their gifts! And the littlest always has a leg - resulting in lots of hilarious tired babies/toddlers wielding a turkey leg over the years. We eat about 7 and have always had gifts then brekkie, snacky lunch and chocolate and then a snooze in front of a film/building lego etc for kids whilst adults cook. I wouldn't have any part of Xmas without my DC

YANBU. I think it’s time for you to create the sort of family Christmas you want your children to grow up with and remember. It doesn’t matter how many people tell you you should enjoy having a grown up meal without kids in the evening, you obviously won’t knowing that your DC are not part of it. I wouldn’t either. My 2 DC are teens now and we have always eaten Christmas dinner together.

Time for a new tradition at home.

I wouldn't be up for that at all.

Things change when children arrive and in our house we ate together on Christmas day.

I would be bowing out.

I'm in 2 minds. I wonder whether a 4yo gives a crap about the meal. It's about the presents and fun for them?

That said, it is an odd idea IMO to have it so late with small kids around and if it were me, I'd have it earlier.

I couldn't eat a full Christmas dinner in the evening.
We normally have a fancy breakfast, Christmas Dinner around 3, and no need for a proper meal that evening. Cheese or leftovers if anyone wants a bite, they help themselves

YANBU Our culture is so weird that it even thinks there should be adult only time, in other cultures everyone is in included. My in laws refused to let our first DC have Christmas lunch because they wanted 'grown up food'. They wanted her to be napping upstairs instead. I said that is just fine I will mush it up, fed her, let her enjoy the day and then we didn't go back there for Christmas lunch for quite a few years. You have to stand firm against Victorian values!!!

I have such fond memories of the ridiculous chaos of Christmas lunch (far too many people in too-small a house, kids table, adults table etc)

Objectively looking back, it was insane, and I'm sure the adults wondered why they were doing it, but at the same time it was wonderful. Then supper was a calm, quiet picky bits affair (where children weren't policed at all, so we'd often just eat the biscuits!).

I think you need to consider a new tradition - although it also might be you end up having 2 dinners :) On the bright side, if your kids need feeding, at least it means you can look forward to actual food later (assuming they go to bed and you're not abandoned putting them to sleep)

Good time to start having Christmas lunch at lunch time at your house. It’s a shame for children to miss out. Just speak to them. You aren’t expecting them to change times.

Can you not just say it doesn’t work for you and have Christmas dinner at home at a time to suit you?
4 is definitely old enough to know what’s going on and it seems very unfair tbh to put them to bed and then enjoy Christmas dinner.

It's disappointing. Just tell them that you want your kids to be able to enjoy a Christmas dinner on Christmas day - that's not unreasonable and they are both old enough to enjoy the food.

If IL's want to have theirs in the evening that's fine, but just say you will do your own at home instead because you don't want the kids to miss out. They'll probably become flexible very quickly at that point!

Oh and when we did finally go back to have Christmas lunch with them a few years later, we bought cheese etc as a contribution and a chocolate log for the children and was black listed for not forcing them to eat the very boozy Christmas pudding.

@billy1966

Time for a new tradition at home.

I wouldn't be up for that at all.

Things change when children arrive and in our house we ate together on Christmas day.

I would be bowing out.

Exactly this.

In fact, since having kids I don't go anywhere on Christmas Day, we spend it together, at home, doing it how we want to do it.

In laws claim children don’t enjoy long sit down meals and it’s better to do in adult-only time

So the problem is just a difference of opinion, because you obviously feel your kids would enjoy Christmas dinner and need to communicate to them that it feels important for you to give them one. Whether it happens at IL's place or at your place is up to them and if they're willing to be flexible?

YANBU. When you have children certain traditions need to evolve. In my 20s it was tradition to go and get pissed in the local pub on Christmas Eve, but obviously that doesn't happen now. Also, children need to learn to sit through meals, it's part of growing up. Your in-laws sound awful, put your foot down on this.

I'm torn on this one.

I absolutely, undeniably do not think your in laws should dictate how YOUR Christmas should be.

I think traditions should change when children enter the scene.

I think it's awful of your in laws to want a child free Christmas dinner, and expect them to not want to be part of the celebration. I have always loved Christmas dinner and now the younger generation in our family does too.

But I do also think it's ok for kids to stay up occasionally. I think it's exciting. I would really have loved that.

Yanbu for wanting Christmas in a more child friendly way.

But I think there's a compromise here somewhere, if both parties are amenable to it.

Christmas dinner is not just another long tedious meal that children hate having to sit still for. Christmas dinner is special food, crackers, jolly grownups (trying, anyway), the telly on for the Queen followed by happy music...and desserts! And anyway, this is how children learn to eat socially, to serve themselves, to wait their turn, to make something an occasion.
So it would be a polite no to dinner at the in-laws for me. Christmas for children should start early with a morning spent playing with toys with The Snowman on in the background, a scrumptious dinner with their grown ups, more playing and board games, pyjamas, a small supper and hot chocolate and bed, - leaving parents to Stilton, port & lemon and the telly.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly we eat in the evening, always have as I have NO desire to be wrangling with a turkey at the crack of dawn. Nor would we like to eat a big meal at 1pm as we're not used to that at all. We always eat in the evening.

When dc were very small, they would have a nap in the afternoon, now that grandparents are older they have the nap and the teens retire to their rooms for a few hours.

We sit at the table at about 7pm now and we love the sense of occassion. Table set beautifully, christmas tree twinkling, candles lighting, fire lighting, music playing. Wine flowing and lots of good food with no rush whatsoever.

I hate eating in the middle of the day and then everyone slumped listlessly in front of the tv by early evening and that sense that it's all over so quickly.

Eating in the evening allows us to make the most of the day and still have something lovely to look forward to.

Whether there will be young children or not, for many years we’ve had our Christmas dinner at around 5, which has worked well with Gdcs of 3 and 4. They will have had lunch at their usual time, adults will have had a brunch, with canapés at 3-ish, instead of a starter.

Added advantages are a) less of a rush for the cook, compared to a lunchtime meal, and b) after a big meal at 5, hardly anybody ever wants much later, except maybe a turkey or ham sandwich.

Whether it’d be worth suggesting such an arrangement to the ILs I wouldn’t like to say, though.

They can have their meal whenever they want, it doesn't mean you have to attend.

However I kinda like the idea. Mine are 2, 2 and 6 so Xmas Dinner won't be a nice relaxing meal to enjoy, it'll be trying to persuade everyone to try and eat and sit still and no you can't play with your new toys. I can see how a buffet in the day the kids can graze on might actually be nice for them.

How late is dinner? Is I going to fall bedtime ish? Would you normally sleep over? Will they sleep?

It's just a different tradition. If you don't like it, stay at home.

I'd I have to suggest that we did Christmas at home if they really don't want to change it
You are adults, free to make your own changes
I'd want my children around at Christmas lunch or dinner

if you knew what the setup was and accepted the invite then I don't think you are fair to be pissed off. Not every minute of every dau needs to revolve around the kids

I think you need to pick up the Christmas mantle and they fit in with you! They’ve had their time being the primary family with their kids around fitting in with their schedule. Now it’s about creating your own family traditions which they are welcome to join. My Larry were thrilled about this they live not having to host anymore!