To want my children to attend our Christmas meal?

[Worryingmama]

Going to in-laws this year for Christmas Day. We have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. It’s long been in-law tradition to do Christmas dinner as a supper in the evening rather than at lunch. This was fine for the pre-grandchildren years but since we’ve had kids it has bothered me. This year with our eldest being 4 years old, it just seems to mean to have it at a time they will be in bed! In laws claim children don’t enjoy long sit down meals and it’s better to do in adult-only time. For me, even if kids need a bit of persuading to sit down for it, the Christmas meal should be a whole-family celebration.

AIBU to feel quite pissed off about this?

YABU to be pissed and do nothing about it. You only get so many years with your kids at Christmas. I work in healthcare and my siblings all live abroad so my parents haven't had Christmas with any of us for 6 years. I'm so grateful we had lovely Christmases growing up with just us.

For me, even if kids need a bit of persuading to sit down for it, the Christmas meal should be a whole-family celebration.

I agree with you @Worryingmama, but others enjoy different things. Have it at home this year and rejoin your In-laws celebrations when they're old enough.

You are not being unreasonable. Christmas is for the whole family - after all the story begins with a baby in a manger and even kings gathered round the child. Everyone should be there.

Yanbu I’d be declining that invite, my dc at 3.5 wouldn’t cope, we often have tired tears at 6:30pm if it’s been a busy day so I can imagine she wil be knackered come Xmas day. Do what suits you and the kids

@SammyScrounge

You are not being unreasonable. Christmas is for the whole family - after all the story begins with a baby in a manger and even kings gathered round the child. Everyone should be there.

Even an inveterate atheist here thinks it is a bit strange to exclude children from Christmas.

I'd swerve them and go when the kids are older.

YABU for being angry that they want to do things the same way they've always done, and the same way you thought was fine until you randomly decided it was a problem this year. That doesn't mean you have to do there if it bothers you that much, but they haven't done anything wrong here. Being "pissed off" about it is completely unfair, because you had zero right to expect them to change just because your preferences changed.

Isn't there a compromise like 7pm and kids go to bed around 9? Mine certainly wouldn't be in bed any earlier on Christmas Day

If it’s at your IL’s house then it’s up to them how it’s done. You have a choice whether to go or not, but I would do a nice lunch for the children or have them stay up later if they would tolerate it. I don’t think you have the right to call the shots in someone else’s home.

Believe me, there will be many other things you don’t agree with, so I guess is this a hill you want to die on? Personally I think it sounds like a great idea!

I would say YANBU for wanting to eat Christmas dinner with your kids. But they ANBU for wanting to eat in the evening. As they are the hosts, I'd say it's up to them, really. So unfortunately it's either do what they're putting on at theirs, or make other plans.

YABU spend the day with your kids then go be with adults nothing wrong with that lots of people do

I don't think I'd be willing not to have kids at Christmas dinner. So I would either want to let them stay up, if they wouldn't be impossible, or have it earlier.

I would probably either say I was staying home for Christmas dinner, and maybe do a brunch for the 26th and invite them to that. Or maybe after bedtime cocktails Christmas eve if they don't like kids.

The in-laws can keep their tradition but you don't have to be part of it.
Just don't go: see them on Boxing Day.
An aside - these families who have Christmas Day set in stone and never want to change anything can make it very stressful as the family changes and in-laws and children are added.

@RandomRoulette

"This year we'd like to have Christmas Dinner together as a family. We understand you'd rather eat in the evening so we won't be coming to the meal on Dec 25. Look forward to seeing you on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day instead."

Perfect

Xmas Eve was our 'larger family' gathering and always supper in the evening. The DC stayed up late or fell asleep in someone's arms if they were that little.

Is there a reason why that wouldn't work for you or is it that MiL is 'strongly suggesting' that the children not be there in the first place?

You shouldn't have accepted the invitation. You're within your rights to not like the way they do it now you're a parent but they're within their rights to have it how they want since they're hosting.

Next time, don't go and tell them why.

@givethatbabyaname

I’d do a kid-based lunch with presents etc during the day. Have lots of fun and play and tire them out. Take them upstairs for bath and bed while others sort out xmas dinner and then join them for an uninterrupted Xmas dinner with lots of booze!

This is ideal. Just make the lunch light so you can join in with it.

What do they eat on Christmas Day?

We did have a children's table.

We did this for years at my mums. The whole day was a nightmare.n packing the car up early with all the kids and their presents. Getting to my mums where everything was chaotic and dinner eventually being served late when the kids were tired and grumpy and then packing everything up to go home late with very tired kids. One year we just decided to stop going and have had Christmas Day at home since. It’s lovely! No chaos and dinner served at a time we can all enjoy it.

I agree with those saying just have Christmas dinner at home and see them on Boxing Day or something. My kids wake up really early on Christmas morning so would be really worn out by evening time.

We are pretty easy really, but christmas ‘dinner’ is normally about 2/3pm, we play games late into the evening and the children just flop when they are tired, in someones arms, in the buggy, on the sofa etc, depending how old they are

Can you not take it as it comes?

I agree with you OP, my inlaws are like this but my parents are the complete opposite and make DD the focus which she loves

It depends how flexible your in laws are. I don’t think it’s wooing to ask. I am thinking your 4 yo is likely to get up horrendously early. Perhaps you can persuade her / him to have a nap ini order to stay up extra late as a treat.

When I was 4+ I stayed up really late (or it seemed to me, might have only been nine o' clock) with the adults playing cards on Christmas Eve! One of the best bits of Christmas and I still remember it now. YANBU.

@PurpleOkapi

YABU for being angry that they want to do things the same way they've always done, and the same way you thought was fine until you randomly decided it was a problem this year. That doesn't mean you have to do there if it bothers you that much, but they haven't done anything wrong here. Being "pissed off" about it is completely unfair, because you had zero right to expect them to change just because your preferences changed.

It's a thoroughly mean and miserable attitude to have your Christmas so inflexible that grandchildren are excluded from the fun. It's her husband's bloody parents, not some random bods doing them a favour by having them over.

If you want your children involved in xmas dinner, then you can’t go to the in laws as that is not how they do things. No need to be “pissed off”

Just a sorry we think xxx is old enough to sit and have xmas dinner with us, so would like to do it earlier in the day, obviously don’t expect you to change your plans for us, so we won’t be joining you for the meal.