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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my children to attend our Christmas meal?

260 replies

Worryingmama · 15/11/2021 23:55

Going to in-laws this year for Christmas Day. We have a 4 year old and a 1 year old. It’s long been in-law tradition to do Christmas dinner as a supper in the evening rather than at lunch. This was fine for the pre-grandchildren years but since we’ve had kids it has bothered me. This year with our eldest being 4 years old, it just seems to mean to have it at a time they will be in bed! In laws claim children don’t enjoy long sit down meals and it’s better to do in adult-only time. For me, even if kids need a bit of persuading to sit down for it, the Christmas meal should be a whole-family celebration.

AIBU to feel quite pissed off about this?

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 16/11/2021 05:37

I wouldn't want to have a special meal without my kids there however you aren't cooking the meal or hosting inlaws are so you can't dictate what they do in their own home. You could do xmas lunch at yours or better yet change up the traditions and say you'd rather have xmas dinner spent with your children so will be staying home going forward and they can join you at a child friendly time. It might go down like a lead balloon but you will be less pissed off. If I said to my mum that I wanted the kids to be part of the meal she would being the time forward but she has no qualms about starting cooking earlier. My mil wouldn't do it and doesn't for Eid so we have Eid lunch as a family and go over to theirs for dinner. If she asks us to go earlier, I refuse because she still won't serve food till 8pm as they have lunch at 3pm. By then I'm ravenous let alone the kids.

4amstarts · 16/11/2021 05:44

If it's a tradition for their family why should they change for you now your kids have come along? Seems a bit entitled to me

Chatwin · 16/11/2021 05:50

YABU to accept an invitation to go, knowing your IL plans don't work for your family.

I've never had Christmas Dinner at lunchtime in my life, but we (including various extended family members) have always been flexible in the timings, since DC came along its usually been around 5pm.

So either don't go - and be honest about why. Or ask them for a bit of flexibility to allow your DC to join in.

pilates · 16/11/2021 05:58

It’s a horrible idea.

If your in-laws can’t be more flexible and bring it forward a little ( mid afternoon) I wouldn’t be going.

Nandocushion · 16/11/2021 06:02

My DPs wanted my children there, and I think they allowed the meal to be maybe 30 or 60 minutes earlier than usual, but the fact was that your ILs are right, young children don't like long sit-down meals, and it was painful watching DM try to get overtired kids to sit quietly while the adults discussed politics or whatever. I'd do something nice at lunch with the children and then put them to bed and have adult dinner with the ILs later - much nicer for everyone.

Shoxfordian · 16/11/2021 06:04

Sounds quite civilised to me
Yabu because that’s what they do and you knew that when you agreed to go there

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 16/11/2021 06:07

I think it’s mean, personally. Children are only little for a short time and it’s nice for them to be included, even if it’s chaos. Plenty of years when they are older to do a civilised thing. I would just do Christmas dinner at lunchtime and if they didn’t want to be flexible I wouldn’t be going to theirs. Can’t wait for Christmas with a 3 year old it’s the best bit! And watching the 1 year old mimic his excitement although he hasn’t a clue what’s going on 😆

Iwonder08 · 16/11/2021 06:12

Don't go to ILs, 4 yo especially is old enough. They have an opportunity to have adult dinners every day. Christmas meal is a family meal. Are your children not a part of their family?

Autumnscene · 16/11/2021 06:18

Better to have happy kids and a peaceful dinner for you. I would do fun food for lunch time, some things they would really enjoy and not feel pressured to sit still for. I would make a “dining area” for them in a corner of a room so that they can do what they like. even if you take charge of this yourself. I’m sure the in-laws would be fine with this knowing that come evening peace will reign for their meal.

Yusanaim · 16/11/2021 06:25

What do they do through the day if Xmas dinner is in the evening?

Bluetrews25 · 16/11/2021 06:30

And how do they think that DCs learn how to sit at a table and behave? Hmm

Christmas is all about DCs and family, so deliberately excluding some for what I would call the main event is not kind.

Heronwatcher · 16/11/2021 06:32

I don’t think the kids will care TBH and I would quite like a child-free Christmas dinner. If they are good with the kids, helpful and fun at other times then I would let this one go. But if they are going to see the kids as a bit of an inconvenience and expect them to conform to a suite of miserable Victorian traditions for the rest of the day I don’t think I would be visiting at Christmas for the foreseeable future.

ZenNudist · 16/11/2021 06:43

I think given their ages I'd not sweat it this year. What does your dh want to do? The alternative is to have a family Christmas starting your own tradition and that WNBU.

millenialblush · 16/11/2021 06:46

Struggling to find a resason to want a 4 year old and a 1 year old at the Xmas Dinner table....

MauraandLaura · 16/11/2021 06:47

I would stay at home.

GoodnightGrandma · 16/11/2021 06:50

We’ve always done Xmas dinner at 5pm as that’s around the time the kids are used to eating a big meal.
They wouldn’t eat it at 3pm.

Itsnotdeep · 16/11/2021 06:56

I don't think the kids will care tbh. Even if you eat at 3pm it's not that interesting to the children.

Justheretoaskaquestion91 · 16/11/2021 06:58

Struggling to find a resason to want a 4 year old and a 1 year old at the Xmas Dinner table

Maybe because they are family?

i don't think the kids will care tbh

My 3 year old would absolutely care if he was excluded

ChristmasHumbuggery · 16/11/2021 07:01

Jesus wept

The best bit about Christmas is seeing it through the eyes of a small child. You should cherish that as long as possible. With that in mind, tell them you are doing your own family thing from now on as you don't want to exclude the children.

I hate having my in-laws over for Christmas because inevitably it ends up about them - they don't like sprouts, they prefer not to have turkey, they don't like stuffing, they don't like Christmas pudding. They don't believe in buying presents, but really do believe in receiving them. They suck the joy out of anything they come within a 100 mile radius of.

Amberflames · 16/11/2021 07:06

It's a thoroughly mean and miserable attitude to have your Christmas so inflexible that grandchildren are excluded from the fun.

Pretty sure a 1 year old won’t realise they’re missing christmas dinner. And 4 year old will just want to spend the time playing with their toys. Neither will enjoy spending ages sat at the table.

This is really all about the parents and not about the kids at all. In my experience any meal with kids ends up being rushed. Maybe the PIL want to enjoy their meal.

DC1 didn’t have Christmas dinner with us until he was 3. Up to that point we deliberately coincided it with his nap. Now we have it at the kids tea time then my parents do the clearing up when we’re doing bath and bedtime. Result! Adults have dessert and cheese later in the evening.

Lolz to the dad that took all the snaps out of the crackers Grin

Joystir59 · 16/11/2021 07:08

Kids should be in their own home with their parents laying down their own rituals and traditions. That's what happened in our family and I absolutely loved it. My parents worked hard all year round and all for their family, and on that day we stayed at home together and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves all day. Bless my lovely mum and dad for creating wonderful memories.

merrymouse · 16/11/2021 07:10

I think it depends on what happens for the rest of Christmas Day - is that more child centred?

Also, what time is the evening meal - will this really be an 'adult only time', or will you be trying to calm down an excited 4 year old and a wide awake 1 year old while your ILs have their meal?

Whatever you decide, there is no way this arrangement will last more than a couple of years. Your ILs aren't going to be able to persuade a 7 and 3 year old that the Christmas Meal is adults only.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 16/11/2021 07:12

I'm with your in laws on this sorry ! Even with my own ds , after a morning of so much excitement no way would he want to sit down and be sensible. When he was under 5 we would give him is lunch- literally anything he would eat ( fish fingers !) And we would sit down later in the afternoon for a lovely meal . Kind of the " and breathe " moment. Ds could chill with the TV/ ipad / play with toys or usually nap !
He's 7 now and I'd expect him to join in with Xmas lunch but at that age, nope
I guess that's what your in laws want to do , but you have every right to disagree, have your lunch in your own house with your dc then.

Itsnotdeep · 16/11/2021 07:14

But you'll still eat with your children during the day I'm assuming, and as they get older they will be able to join in the evening anyway and it will be a special occasion for them. They will realise that different parts of the family do Christmas differently.

We've always eaten fairly late in the day, and even when I had toddlers who were used to eating at 7, 12 and 5, it worked out ok.

expatmigrant · 16/11/2021 07:17

I also come from a country where we celebrate Christmas Eve. The children stay up and are part of the celebrations.
In this country I always found the obsession with getting children to bed early a bit strange...(apart from school nights}
Just make sure they have had food so that they don't get cranky and if they fall asleep on the floor or sofa...so what?
Go with the flow and enjoy.

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