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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my children to be treated as equals to dh sisters children?

183 replies

invisiblezara · 15/11/2021 11:46

Dh and I had a discussion last night over Christmas gifts and budget. When we got to talking about his Niece's and nephew he suggested we spend £25 on each of them which is what we have done ever since we got together some years ago. Now, I usually always agree to this budget and we usually get a few small gifts for each of them rather than one larger present worth £25.

My problem is that every year for Christmas and their birthdays we do so much for his Dsis children and she doesn't put any kind of effort in back for my children.
For example 4 times a year we visit dh sister for every one of her children's birthdays with loads of gifts and spend time down there with them all but my children don't even get a "happy birthday" from her.

I want to make things more fair, we definitely don't give to receive but even though they don't say anything I feel my children will begin to notice they are being treated differently just because they're not family by blood. They are not my dh's biological children and he doesn't have any of his own but we have been in the family long enough to know each other very well and spend a lot of time together.
My dc have absolutely no contact with their biological dad or any family from his side and know Dh's parents as their own grandparents.

This year I suggested we get each of her children a t-shirt from Primark as she does each year for my children. Dh at first thought I was being very unreasonable but then said he sort of understood where I was coming from, but now
I'm starting to doubt myself and feel like I maybe being petty? So I'd like your thoughts, am I being unreasonable? Should I just continue spending what we usually spend or should I match her Christmas gifts?
Of course we will still continue to buy for her children on their birthdays regardless of the fact she doesn't acknowledge mine.

OP posts:
Waahingwashingwashing · 15/11/2021 11:47

I would completely step away from buying for his niece and nephew and leave it to him and his sister to sort the gifts

You can’t make his sister treat your kids how you’d like I’m sorry x

Original poster
invisiblezara · 15/11/2021 11:49

Sorry, just read it back and I meant myself and my dc have been with dh long enough for me and his sister to know each other very well. It's not like she barely knows us.

OP posts:
TaraR2020 · 15/11/2021 11:50

I get it, am a step child myself.

Thing is though, they're still your DHs nieces/nephews. So he shouldn't continue to spend what he otherwise would and they shouldn't be punished for their mother's actions.

He can address the excluding behaviour with his sister though.

NoSquirrels · 15/11/2021 11:53

If your DC notice the discrepancy that is on their ‘aunt’ not on you. If you don’t give to receive then you have to hold firm to that principle.

However, if it annoys you every time, leave it entirely with your DH. It’s his sister and his family, at the end of the day, so he should do all the present buying and organising.

It is shit of her, of course, but this is about managing your own emotions I think.

MorrisZapp · 15/11/2021 11:55

If he's always treated his nephews and neices then he should keep doing so, because his relationship with them is unchanged by him meeting you and your kids. You don't have to get involved with the buying, sending etc.

If he's expecting you to organise it all then that's pretty cheeky.

Grapewrath · 15/11/2021 12:00

They’re your husbands nieces and nephews, let him sort out the gifts for them.

5128gap · 15/11/2021 12:02

So, she is buying for your DC, just spending less? Is it a budget thing, or that she doesn't think its necessary to spend a lot, rather than seeing your DC as not part of the family? My SIL always spent far more on my DC than I did on hers. Mine were born a long time before hers and she was always a generous auntie. When she had her DC, there was no way we could match the gifts, totally different financial position. She understood but still wanted to buy for ours as she always had as it was about her relationship to them.

Original poster
invisiblezara · 15/11/2021 12:03

@NoSquirrels

If your DC notice the discrepancy that is on their ‘aunt’ not on you. If you don’t give to receive then you have to hold firm to that principle.

However, if it annoys you every time, leave it entirely with your DH. It’s his sister and his family, at the end of the day, so he should do all the present buying and organising.

It is shit of her, of course, but this is about managing your own emotions I think.

The thing is it's never really crossed my mind until earlier this year when my dc once again didn't even get a "happy birthday" from her but a week later I was trudging round the shopping centre trying to find the perfect gift for her dd.

I think you're right, it may be about learning to manage my own emotions a bit better.

OP posts:
Benchbenchbench · 15/11/2021 12:04

The responsibility sits with your DH. Leave it upto him completely to buy and wrap and don’t chip in with cash towards the budget for it.
However I do think it’s shitty on your kids and I wouldn’t take that approach if I was your SIL.

Ylvamoon · 15/11/2021 12:06

Don't do it! My SIL was similar. One year I actually pointed it out after she had bought a £2.- toy for DS 3rd birthday. I actually bought the same thing to bulk out his presents.

Original poster
invisiblezara · 15/11/2021 12:07

@5128gap

So, she is buying for your DC, just spending less? Is it a budget thing, or that she doesn't think its necessary to spend a lot, rather than seeing your DC as not part of the family? My SIL always spent far more on my DC than I did on hers. Mine were born a long time before hers and she was always a generous auntie. When she had her DC, there was no way we could match the gifts, totally different financial position. She understood but still wanted to buy for ours as she always had as it was about her relationship to them.
It's not a financial issue, her and her Dh are well off. It's also not so much the Christmas gifts that bother me, it's more that 4 times a year we all go down on each of her children's birthdays with gifts and balloons yet my children don't get acknowledged at all on theirs. I don't think my dc have even noticed any of this so I may be being completely ridiculous.
OP posts:
LoveComesQuickly · 15/11/2021 12:07

It's slightly tricky because when he first started a relationship with you I can understand him treating his sister's kids differently from how she treated yours (as you were just his new girlfriend at that point), and then these things tend to get set in stone iykwim, without her ever thinking there should be a change. So I guess my point is that she may be being thoughtless rather than unkind?

Totally agree that it should be DH sorting it all out, not you.

sashh · 15/11/2021 12:07

It's not the children's fault their parents don't spend the same on your children.

Keepitonthedownlow · 15/11/2021 12:09

Why are you trudging around on behalf of your DH?

LolaSmiles · 15/11/2021 12:10

His nieces and nephews are his nieces and nephews. Your children are not his sister's nieces and nephews. It sounds like she is rude and takes things to extremes, but I find it hard reading thread after thread where it's expected that new partner families are expected to step up because a child's father and his family aren't involved.

FreeBritnee · 15/11/2021 12:12

He could ask her?

NoSquirrels · 15/11/2021 12:12

Do you invite your DH’s family to your DC’s birthdays? And they don’t come?

CSJobseeker · 15/11/2021 12:15

Your DH's DSIS is not related to your kids. If you and DH split up, she won't ever see your kids again. But your DH is related to her kids by blood. No matter what happens, he will always be their uncle.

It's unfortunate, but the relationships aren't equal here. He can't stop buying for his blood nieces/nephews out of a tit for tat spite. If he does, he's not much of a man.

For the sake of a few gifts a year, this is not a bridge worth burning.

CSJobseeker · 15/11/2021 12:16

But he should be buying and choosing the gifts, not you, because the gifts are given as a consequence of his relationship with the children, not yours.

CSJobseeker · 15/11/2021 12:17

I also agree that, if I were the SIL, I would buy for your kids. But life isn't fair sometimes, and people don't always behave how we would like them to.

MarcelineMissouri · 15/11/2021 12:23

The relationship of your sil to your children is not the same as the relationship of your dh to her children.

Just step away and let dh sort it.

Classicblunder · 15/11/2021 12:25

I find it pretty irritating that my DH is generous with his nieces and nephews but none of his siblings even remember our kids birthdays - no step kids involved even. The way we deal with it is that he pays for it out of his personal money (we have some money kept separately) and I just don't get involved. It really helps me

Original poster
invisiblezara · 15/11/2021 12:25

@NoSquirrels

Do you invite your DH’s family to your DC’s birthdays? And they don’t come?
The rest of dh family all make a lot of effort, it's just his dsis. Dh's parents spend the same on my children as they do their biological grandchildren, they also include them in family photos which they display in their home. All the little things they do for my dc means the absolute world to me. They're lovely people and have never made my dc feel any different to their actual grandchildren.
OP posts:
CSJobseeker · 15/11/2021 12:29

In that case, focus on the family members who DO show that they care, and ignore his DSIS.

Your DH should continue to buy for his nieces/nephews as normal, and should address the issue with his DSIS. But you shouldn't be 'trudging around' sorting out presents that are his responsibility.

CSJobseeker · 15/11/2021 12:30

In my house, I sort out the presents on my side of the family, and DH sorts his. We might choose something between us, or ask the other for an opinion, but the legwork is done by the person who has the primary relationship with the recipient.

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