To expect my children to be treated as equals to dh sisters children?

[invisiblezara]

Dh and I had a discussion last night over Christmas gifts and budget. When we got to talking about his Niece's and nephew he suggested we spend £25 on each of them which is what we have done ever since we got together some years ago. Now, I usually always agree to this budget and we usually get a few small gifts for each of them rather than one larger present worth £25.

My problem is that every year for Christmas and their birthdays we do so much for his Dsis children and she doesn't put any kind of effort in back for my children.
For example 4 times a year we visit dh sister for every one of her children's birthdays with loads of gifts and spend time down there with them all but my children don't even get a "happy birthday" from her.

I want to make things more fair, we definitely don't give to receive but even though they don't say anything I feel my children will begin to notice they are being treated differently just because they're not family by blood. They are not my dh's biological children and he doesn't have any of his own but we have been in the family long enough to know each other very well and spend a lot of time together.
My dc have absolutely no contact with their biological dad or any family from his side and know Dh's parents as their own grandparents.

This year I suggested we get each of her children a t-shirt from Primark as she does each year for my children. Dh at first thought I was being very unreasonable but then said he sort of understood where I was coming from, but now
I'm starting to doubt myself and feel like I maybe being petty? So I'd like your thoughts, am I being unreasonable? Should I just continue spending what we usually spend or should I match her Christmas gifts?
Of course we will still continue to buy for her children on their birthdays regardless of the fact she doesn't acknowledge mine.

What I meant to as, zara, when you say you ‘go down bearing gifts and balloons four times a year’ for the kids’ birthdays, presumably that’s to an invited birthday occasion? Or are you & your DH just taking the initiative there?

If you invite his sister to a party and they don’t come/do come but don’t reciprocate with a gift then I’d see why you’d be annoyed. But if it’s just she doesn’t take the initiative/remember your DC’s birthdays without prompting that seems different.

@LolaSmiles

His nieces and nephews are his nieces and nephews. Your children are not his sister's nieces and nephews. It sounds like she is rude and takes things to extremes, but I find it hard reading thread after thread where it's expected that new partner families are expected to step up because a child's father and his family aren't involved.

This is a very cold attitude towards children. What on earth difference does it make if they are someone's biological offspring, or children they treat as such? The OPs H considers the children his. Why on earth should his family ignore this and deliberately treat the children he has chosen to be a father to as lesser?

I may be being silly but although SIL's dc are not related to me by marriage I still don't treat them any different to my biological nieces and nephews.

I think I shall suggest to dh that he organises the present buying for them from now on.

@invisiblezara

I may be being silly but although SIL's dc are not related to me by marriage I still don't treat them any different to my biological nieces and nephews.

I think I shall suggest to dh that he organises the present buying for them from now on.

Are related to me only through marriage*

My DH sister is rubbish with remembering any of our children’s birthdays (all related by blood)

This year she missed (didn’t even acknowledge) 2 out of the 3 children’s birthdays, sent a card and gift for the 3rd but god forbid we would miss any of her children’s birthdays. I do all the gift buying cause tbh my DH is rubbish with choosing presents and it annoys me but I choose not to be petty cause after all it ain’t the children’s fault.

This is a very cold attitude towards children. What on earth difference does it make if they are someone's biological offspring, or children they treat as such? The OPs H considers the children his. Why on earth should his family ignore this and deliberately treat the children he has chosen to be a father to as lesser?

I've just read the OP's posts and I can't see where she says that DH considers the children his. Did I miss that? If not then I wonder whether he actually does? Clearly he's very fond of them but if he does not 100% consider them his (which I guess would mean he's adopted them too?) then it might be that the way he talks to his sister about the children affects how she sees them.

@Lorw

My DH sister is rubbish with remembering any of our children’s birthdays (all related by blood)

This year she missed (didn’t even acknowledge) 2 out of the 3 children’s birthdays, sent a card and gift for the 3rd but god forbid we would miss any of her children’s birthdays. I do all the gift buying cause tbh my DH is rubbish with choosing presents and it annoys me but I choose not to be petty cause after all it ain’t the children’s fault.

You're right, it's not the children's fault at all and I hate the thought that they could take it to heart if we only got them a t-shirt this year instead of the presents we usually buy them just because I'm being a bit petty. I just wish SIL would include my dc a bit more.

She has different values and expectations, I think that’s all you can deduce from this, really.

Your SIL is already including them, she does get them gifts (just smaller stuff). I’m sorry but I don’t think you can expect more. They are not your partner’s children and they are not her nieces/ nephews. You say you don’t distinguish between your biological or in-law nieces and nephews, but in reality, your children are not biological or in-law related to your sister-in-law. They are twice removed. Do they not have aunties and uncles from their biological dad’s side to take on that role? You need to stop looking at these people to fulfil a role which is not theirs. You sound a bit bitter and begrudging. She doesn’t owe you or your children anything. If it makes you feel you are spending too much time and money on her children, then get your partner to deal with all that. They are his nieces and nephews.

I would be the same re the children I’m afraid. When I divorced I never saw my nieces and nephews on that side ever again. And I bust myself investing emotionally in them. I won’t do that again ever

I’d be leaving it to DH (I don’t have one but in principle)

* Your children are not his sister's nieces and nephews. It sounds like she is rude and takes things to extremes, but I find it hard reading thread after thread where it's expected that new partner families are expected to step up because a child's father and his family aren't involved.*

^I agree with this

I agree that you need to let your dh sort out presents for his side of the family.
I don’t think your sil is doing anything wrong.
I think a major factor here is that your children’s biological father does not make a fuss of the children, if he did I believe you would feel differently.
My step children (adults) never buy me anything despite the fact I buy for them.
This year I’m thinking of stopping buying for them.
My children buy my husband (their step father) gifts despite being younger than his own children.
I think you need to step back.
Leave your dh to it, otherwise it will eat away at you.

This is a very cold attitude towards children. What on earth difference does it make if they are someone's biological offspring, or children they treat as such? The OPs H considers the children his. Why on earth should his family ignore this and deliberately treat the children he has chosen to be a father to as lesser?
It's not cold. It's factual.
No future partner's family had a responsibility to step up to compensate for the fact that a child's father and his family are not involved (and let's be honest the only reason this post and others mention the absent father is to add some sort of guilt or moralising).

It's nice when blended families work out with everyone treating all children the same, but there isn't any obligation for someone's wider family to make up for a child's absent father just because their relative happens to be in a relationship a child's parent.

The reality is that for a lot of situations if the romantic relationship breaks down then the partner's children stop having a relationship with their existing family. If OP's DH is bothered by his sister's actions then he needs to speak to her about it, ask for OP's children to be more involved, and do it without any guilt tripping about how they don't have family connections on their father's side.

Sorry @invisiblezara, but you didn't answer the question above of whether you actually INVITE DH's sister, just that others somehow turn up. I wouldn't even go to my own DSis house without an invite, I'd assume they have plans and invite me when I'm wanted.

Get cheaper gifts by all means, she might just not like spending too much and/or not know what to get them. A T-shirt is an easy gift that doesn't need much thought; you don't have to get the identical thing but spending £5 instead of £25 isn't an issue. Your kids should also get something from your ex's family.

Dh certainly does consider my dc as his own children, he always has. When we bump into friends of his from years ago and they ask if my dc are his children he always replies with yes, never that they're actually his stepchildren.

We have recently started look at him adopting my dc, it was him who asked me if it's something I would allow him to do.
I'm not sure why people seem so baffled to the idea that a child has to be biologically yours for you to treat or love them as your own
Dh is infertile and has wanted children for a very long time, he's a brilliant dad regardless of them being related to him by blood.

Your sister in law and her brother (your husband) are peas in a pod: neither of them care about presents for each other’s children.

The only difference is that your husband has married someone who does wifework, whilst your SIL… well, there isn’t even a word “husbandwork”.

Let them sort it out between them.

@Pancakeorcrepe

Your SIL is already including them, she does get them gifts (just smaller stuff). I’m sorry but I don’t think you can expect more. They are not your partner’s children and they are not her nieces/ nephews. You say you don’t distinguish between your biological or in-law nieces and nephews, but in reality, your children are not biological or in-law related to your sister-in-law. They are twice removed. Do they not have aunties and uncles from their biological dad’s side to take on that role? You need to stop looking at these people to fulfil a role which is not theirs. You sound a bit bitter and begrudging. She doesn’t owe you or your children anything. If it makes you feel you are spending too much time and money on her children, then get your partner to deal with all that. They are his nieces and nephews.

You're probably right, I may be bitter and being completely unreasonable. This is why I came here to ask others opinions. Perhaps I'm only seeing it from my side. To answer your question, no, my dc don't have family on their biological dads side, he was very physically abusive towards me and is not allowed contact with us. I have tried reaching out to his mother but she didn't respond. Then again I didn't really expect anything different as she didn't have anything to do with her grandchildren even when I was married to her son.

I’m really sorry your ex and his family were so crap. But that doesn’t mean there should be any obligation on your now-DH family to fill that gap

Why ever did you take on sorting out presents (wife work) for your husband's lot? And what a cheeky sod for him to accept that. That's Patriarchy, right there. Ugh!

@MRex

Sorry *@invisiblezara*, but you didn't answer the question above of whether you actually INVITE DH's sister, just that others somehow turn up. I wouldn't even go to my own DSis house without an invite, I'd assume they have plans and invite me when I'm wanted.

Get cheaper gifts by all means, she might just not like spending too much and/or not know what to get them. A T-shirt is an easy gift that doesn't need much thought; you don't have to get the identical thing but spending £5 instead of £25 isn't an issue. Your kids should also get something from your ex's family.

Yes, we have a group chat where we all arrange get togethers. The whole family on both sides are all invited.

I find travelling to visit niece/nephews with tons of balloons and multiple presents a bit ott. However I come from a family that isn’t close at all.

Obviously she should make effort to acknowledge your children’s birthday, but I wouldn’t expect everyone to put as much effort in as you do.

Are you sure she isn’t just shit at organisation (I am and miss birthdays sometimes) and doesn’t place the same importance on them, as you. Is there another reason to think it’s because they’re not biologically you Dh children?

If you want your kids to be treated like everyone else you need to treat her kids as though they're family too and not make them miss out because she's a bit shit.

I’ve never bought my own kids balloons. Never mind their cousins.

@invisiblezara

Dh certainly does consider my dc as his own children, he always has. When we bump into friends of his from years ago and they ask if my dc are his children he always replies with yes, never that they're actually his stepchildren.

We have recently started look at him adopting my dc, it was him who asked me if it's something I would allow him to do.
I'm not sure why people seem so baffled to the idea that a child has to be biologically yours for you to treat or love them as your own
Dh is infertile and has wanted children for a very long time, he's a brilliant dad regardless of them being related to him by blood.

I think what people are saying is that it’s not possible to force people to feel the same about unrelated dc the same as they do about blood relations. Of course it’s possible to treat and love them as your own and many people do, but many don’t and as long as they are kind and friendly when they do see them that’s really all you can expect or ask for. Anything else is a bonus.

Are you sure she isn’t just shit at organisation (I am and miss birthdays sometimes) and doesn’t place the same importance on them, as you. Is there another reason to think it’s because they’re not biologically you Dh children?

This is what I’d tend to in this scenario, tbh.