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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my children to be treated as equals to dh sisters children?

183 replies

invisiblezara · 15/11/2021 11:46

Dh and I had a discussion last night over Christmas gifts and budget. When we got to talking about his Niece's and nephew he suggested we spend £25 on each of them which is what we have done ever since we got together some years ago. Now, I usually always agree to this budget and we usually get a few small gifts for each of them rather than one larger present worth £25.

My problem is that every year for Christmas and their birthdays we do so much for his Dsis children and she doesn't put any kind of effort in back for my children.
For example 4 times a year we visit dh sister for every one of her children's birthdays with loads of gifts and spend time down there with them all but my children don't even get a "happy birthday" from her.

I want to make things more fair, we definitely don't give to receive but even though they don't say anything I feel my children will begin to notice they are being treated differently just because they're not family by blood. They are not my dh's biological children and he doesn't have any of his own but we have been in the family long enough to know each other very well and spend a lot of time together.
My dc have absolutely no contact with their biological dad or any family from his side and know Dh's parents as their own grandparents.

This year I suggested we get each of her children a t-shirt from Primark as she does each year for my children. Dh at first thought I was being very unreasonable but then said he sort of understood where I was coming from, but now
I'm starting to doubt myself and feel like I maybe being petty? So I'd like your thoughts, am I being unreasonable? Should I just continue spending what we usually spend or should I match her Christmas gifts?
Of course we will still continue to buy for her children on their birthdays regardless of the fact she doesn't acknowledge mine.

OP posts:
LittleMysSister · 15/11/2021 14:35

If DH and his sis are close, I'd potentially nudge him to have a word with her and let her know that he regards your children as his and he'd like them to be treated as such.

BUT I'd only do this if there are other children in the family which she openly treats differently, as it may be that she's just crap with birthdays and presents and wouldn't be any different if they were your DH's bio kids.

Waahingwashingwashing · 15/11/2021 14:37

@girlmom21 you’re wrong. That is not at all what I’m saying. Please don’t misrepresent what I said that’s rude.

I’m asking. What did he do before the op was on the scene. To get a sense of what their traditional gift giving was.

I suspect he didn’t do multiple perfect gifts that he had to trail round town for and a balloon as well.

girlmom21 · 15/11/2021 14:39

@Waahingwashingwashing it's not rude to misunderstand. I apologise to both you and @CSJobseeker for that. But don't call me rude. How bizarre.

CSJobseeker · 15/11/2021 14:40

I suspect he didn’t do multiple perfect gifts that he had to trail round town for and a balloon as well.

I suspect the same. But whatever it was that he would do if OP wasn't doing it for him - whether it's a voucher in a card or a special parade arranged in the child's honour - that's what he should do now.

Waahingwashingwashing · 15/11/2021 14:41

Thank you for your apology.

Your post was still rude though.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/11/2021 14:42

Can you afford it and do the kids open their presents in front of each other?

If you cant afford it I'd say you are scaling back and get them a token (but scale back on all extended family otherwise you will look petty).

If the children are going to open presents infront of each other then I'd probably get your husband to say something along the lines of 'now the kids have started to notice the value of things and how much things cost we thought it would be a good idea to review gift giving as we don't want them to be asking awkward questions and spoil the atmosphere at christmas. Do you think we should set a budget for each child to make sure it seems fair to them going forward? Or do you think they've all got enough stuff and we should tell them we're having a cousins day out to x attraction in the new year instead'

If they dont open infront of each other and arent likely to see each other to talk about it, and you can afford it, I'd maybe just say nothing or scale back slightly, to keep the peace...or ask him to ask his parents to have a quiet word with them about hurting your kids feelings

whistleryukon · 15/11/2021 14:43

It might not be anything to do with your DC not being related and more to do with your SIL just being rude/thoughtless? I know that I have relatives who don't bother saying happy birthday to my DC although I make an effort for their DC (and step DC's) birthdays.

Waahingwashingwashing · 15/11/2021 14:43

@CSJobseeker

I suspect he didn’t do multiple perfect gifts that he had to trail round town for and a balloon as well.

I suspect the same. But whatever it was that he would do if OP wasn't doing it for him - whether it's a voucher in a card or a special parade arranged in the child's honour - that's what he should do now.

Agree. The gift giving should be what it was before the op was on the scene.

She’s giving and feeling hurt because she wants reciprocation but that may not be the family gift style or what her DH or sister generally do. I have to say I think the op is on the makes a lot more effort than I do side of the house. I’ve never done that even for my own kids.

Justilou1 · 15/11/2021 14:47

I certainly think she’s at the very least thoughtless, but could she be caught up in work and the needs of her SN child? (I don’t know the extent of DC’s SNs..) Meanwhile, it’s not generally in my nature to play Devil’s advocate. She sounds like an arse.

aSofaNearYou · 15/11/2021 14:52

@whistleryukon

It might not be anything to do with your DC not being related and more to do with your SIL just being rude/thoughtless? I know that I have relatives who don't bother saying happy birthday to my DC although I make an effort for their DC (and step DC's) birthdays.
I don't even think it's that rude, she has a busy life and a lot on her plate by the sounds of things.

Honestly when you're someone that doesn't/doesn't have time to go overboard with gifts, the last thing you want is somebody that does judging you for not reciprocating to their standards.

girlmom21 · 15/11/2021 15:18

@Waahingwashingwashing

Thank you for your apology.

Your post was still rude though.

No it wasn't...
Summersnake · 15/11/2021 15:19

I think
Let your DH take over buying for his niece and nephew .
Then it won’t bother you so much

Summersnake · 15/11/2021 15:25

I have just read the full thread
So you have the same problem as me ,except my kids are the sil actual relatives ,and they still don’t bother
I too would go overboard and make a huge fuss Christmas and birthdays and get upset ,when mine didn’t even get a card back
So I scaled things back and just now send a book via Amazon for each child’s birthday ,with a gift note in ,I don’t wrap the gifts or send a card .
But it’s still more than they do for my children.

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 15/11/2021 15:39

I think an important aspect which doesn't seem to be clear is 1. what did your DH do re gifts for them prior to you doing it and 2. How long have you been together?

Just wondering what the previous status quo was.

If for example, his nieces and nephews were born before your relationship started and your DH had already been buying them presents, there was no previous history of buying for your DC equally and they wouldn't have started buying gifts for your DC if it was a very new relationship.

If they were born after your relationship, then you started buying presents for them when there was already (presumably) no "routine" of buying for your DC so he needn't have started buying for them!

WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles · 15/11/2021 15:40

Does that make any sense - it does to me but I have probably explained it badly!

Cocomarine · 15/11/2021 15:41

I think that Xmas is a non issue - which is interesting, because that’s the one where you want to change things because you’re cross overall!

A Primark t shirt vs £25 isn’t a big deal. You don’t get to dictate their budget, end of. Why should they up their spending because that’s your choice of gift? Regardless of income. You get them presents, they reciprocate, the financial difference in absolute terms really isn’t that much. A t shirt is a perfectly fine present for a young child.

The huge disparity is in birthdays. I absolutely don’t think that your SIL should have to do what you do: visits, multiple presents and balloons multiple times a year? No. As posted previously by me and others - that’s not the norm. It’s nice, but it’s not the norm. So you CAN’T expect to force that on her. In which case… what is “acceptable” to you instead?

I do think it’s poor that she doesn’t send a card with a fiver in, given how much you do.

BUT… that would still be a huge difference - and I bet you’d still be annoyed. So maybe she’d rather by hung for a sheep than for a lamb? Maybe she thinks - “bloody hell, I’m not getting into balloons and shit… so I’m just not doing this, full stop.”

I think you haven’t replied to multiple people asking what your husband did before you came on the scene. I really doubt it was all of this, and now you’ve simply taken it over because you have more time on your vagina.

If I were SIL I’d be thinking, “hang on, bro has done very little for years, which was fine. Now Zara is on the scene and going overboard - and suddenly I’m expected to add reciprocating all that to my to-do list? Yeah… no.”

sillysmiles · 15/11/2021 15:49

@FlibbertyGiblets

Why ever did you take on sorting out presents (wife work) for your husband's lot? And what a cheeky sod for him to accept that. That's Patriarchy, right there. Ugh!
^ This

In our house - SH sorts out presents for his nieces and nephews, I sort out the ones on my side of the family. If his don't get anything, that's on him, not on me.

Can you speak you your DP and say it's on him to deal with her kids because you are finding it stressful to deal with and resentful because it's not reciprocated.

LolaSmiles · 15/11/2021 15:51

But that isn't what's being asked. The H, in accepting the children as his, has created a role for his extended family as grandparents and aunt, and presumably would hope for them to play that role as they would had he fathered the children. The input of the biological father and his family, or any other adults in the children's lives is irrelevant
I also think the role of the biological father and his family is irrelevant, however the OP I her first post made a point of telling us that her DC don't have relationships with their father's side, as if that is in some way relevant to how her DH's family should be with her children, otherwise there was no reason to mention it.

In choosing to be in a relationship with someone who has children, the DH has chosen to take on a step father role. He has not created a role for his wider family. Nobody gets to decide there's roles and expectations for their family regarding other people's children based on who they are in a relationship with.

Original poster
invisiblezara · 15/11/2021 16:16

@LolaSmiles

But that isn't what's being asked. The H, in accepting the children as his, has created a role for his extended family as grandparents and aunt, and presumably would hope for them to play that role as they would had he fathered the children. The input of the biological father and his family, or any other adults in the children's lives is irrelevant I also think the role of the biological father and his family is irrelevant, however the OP I her first post made a point of telling us that her DC don't have relationships with their father's side, as if that is in some way relevant to how her DH's family should be with her children, otherwise there was no reason to mention it.

In choosing to be in a relationship with someone who has children, the DH has chosen to take on a step father role. He has not created a role for his wider family. Nobody gets to decide there's roles and expectations for their family regarding other people's children based on who they are in a relationship with.

I actually mentioned that my dc don't have contact with their fathers side of the family because they only know my dh's parents as their grandparents etc so it is relevant.
OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 15/11/2021 16:22

Also if DH can't have children and is thinking about adopting OP's, don't people think the SIL should step up more, or do adopted children not count either?

HikingforScenery · 15/11/2021 16:32

Yabu

Why do you want to force your DH to reduce his contribution to his niece/nephew because his Dsis is not doing the same for your DC. They’re his family. For the sake of £25each, I’d let it go.

Waahingwashingwashing · 15/11/2021 16:32

Just because the children’s dad isn’t in contact doesn’t mean he would consent to adoption?

And yes, for me, adoption does change things - for the reasons I have explained - if adopted the children would have contact with the op’s DH if there were to be a divorce. At this point in time that is not guaranteed if the op and her DH were to split up.

LublinToDublin · 15/11/2021 17:03

Adoption is a completely different situation to a step parenting situation.

sillysmiles · 15/11/2021 17:33

@invisiblezara do you know if she gives similar gifts to the other children in the family? I'm wondering if she just doesn't match your gifts, but all the kids get treated the same?

Twillow · 15/11/2021 17:38

I have a family member like this. I love her and her children dearly but it really does sting that it's spend, spend, spend for her family but pitiful gifts for ours - nowhere near equivalent to what we give. It just feels so insulting. I've not come up with an answer yet!