To expect my children to be treated as equals to dh sisters children?

[invisiblezara]

Dh and I had a discussion last night over Christmas gifts and budget. When we got to talking about his Niece's and nephew he suggested we spend £25 on each of them which is what we have done ever since we got together some years ago. Now, I usually always agree to this budget and we usually get a few small gifts for each of them rather than one larger present worth £25.

My problem is that every year for Christmas and their birthdays we do so much for his Dsis children and she doesn't put any kind of effort in back for my children.
For example 4 times a year we visit dh sister for every one of her children's birthdays with loads of gifts and spend time down there with them all but my children don't even get a "happy birthday" from her.

I want to make things more fair, we definitely don't give to receive but even though they don't say anything I feel my children will begin to notice they are being treated differently just because they're not family by blood. They are not my dh's biological children and he doesn't have any of his own but we have been in the family long enough to know each other very well and spend a lot of time together.
My dc have absolutely no contact with their biological dad or any family from his side and know Dh's parents as their own grandparents.

This year I suggested we get each of her children a t-shirt from Primark as she does each year for my children. Dh at first thought I was being very unreasonable but then said he sort of understood where I was coming from, but now
I'm starting to doubt myself and feel like I maybe being petty? So I'd like your thoughts, am I being unreasonable? Should I just continue spending what we usually spend or should I match her Christmas gifts?
Of course we will still continue to buy for her children on their birthdays regardless of the fact she doesn't acknowledge mine.

I woukd just say shall we not bother with presents this year.

@FlibbertyGiblets

Why ever did you take on sorting out presents (wife work) for your husband's lot? And what a cheeky sod for him to accept that. That's Patriarchy, right there. Ugh!

That's just what works for us. I'm a SAHM and dh works long hours. I do all the present buying for both of our families.

I think just rein it back a bit, then a bit more. If she ever comments which she wither won't because she won't notice or care then so be it. If she does you can say I took your lead on how we treat the children of the respective families and realised I was being over the top.

Your sister-in-law’s kids haven’t done anything wrong so I wouldn’t penalise them by suddenly giving them less. It’s disappointing that your sister-in-law doesn’t make more of an effort for your kids but that’s her choice. Have you talked to your husband at all? What does he think?

I do find this transactional approach to giving gifts a bit sad though. Loads of threads on here lately about “they only do this therefore why should I do more?”. Why not just be the bigger person and set your kids a good example?

Do the cousins get on well if close enough in age, OP? If not then I'd propose insisting just going to cards only to avoid you legitimately feeling unhappy as this doesn't happen by accident. Inform your DSIL before so there can be no risk of her having already bought cheaper presents and complaining, even though she is in the wrong. If they do get on well then I'd have a think if the asymmetric spend is worthwhile.

Good luck.

I have never understood this bio/non bio thing with aunts/uncles.

My parents' siblings and their spouses were always uncle x and aunty y. Nobody actually cared which of uncle x and aunty y was the sibling of my parents. The were just an uncle/aunt pair.

IMO these kids are your nieces/nephews. You are married to their mum's brother and you are their aunty. You should definitely continue to treat them nicely, even if your sil is off for some reason.

How do you think your PILs would feel, having treated your dc the same as their bio ones and then to find that you no longer want to buy presents for them because they are not your bio nieces/nephews? Don't behave as badly as your sil. Buy for those kids as you usually would.

Except that if they divorce then the non blood person won’t be Aunty or uncle any more

True
But I would prob ignore that fact and hope it didn't happen

Oh I see, I hope he pays you well.

As it may never need to be dealt with

@Zilla1

Do the cousins get on well if close enough in age, OP? If not then I'd propose insisting just going to cards only to avoid you legitimately feeling unhappy as this doesn't happen by accident. Inform your DSIL before so there can be no risk of her having already bought cheaper presents and complaining, even though she is in the wrong. If they do get on well then I'd have a think if the asymmetric spend is worthwhile.

Good luck.

Yes, my dc are close enough in age and get along well. SIL's dc come to our house and have sleepovers often, I also look after them on occasions when SIL is called into work at last minute. My dc have never been to her house without me or dh being there.

Well I had to deal with it after 22 years of marriage and being close to the nieces and nephews concerned and I’d never do it again. I’ll be polite and kind and civil but not emotionally connected on the same way as to my siblings kids.

She thinks the brother is buying the gifts, not you. A t shirt will be a lovely gift for them.

It’s not about being petty, it’s about your children being left out.

Does your dh have any (biological) children?

The step dc issue crops up time after time.

Many people simply don't feel the same way about step children in extended family. Most step dc will be well cared for by 2 families so don't have the need or expectation from the wider family of step parent.

Driving over znd mass present buying etc. sounds a bit ott to me but normal to you. We're all different!

That's crap and thoughtless of SIL....but I think it's up to your DH to have a quiet word.

In which case OP, in this case, I would deliberately prioritise the well-being of the relationship with the cousins, sleep overs at yours and so on. I would see the unfairness as a deliberate choice of the DSIL that you cannot control. I would continue as you have done, chalk it down to experience, be happy that most of the ILs don't treat your DC that way. Make a deliberate decisions and try not to dwell on it nor feel hurt. You can't change your DSI as you can't argue with stupid and prejudiced.

Try to take some joy in buying nice presents for your DC's cousins.

Good luck.

*Oh I see, I hope he pays you well.
*
What a strange comment
It's just what works for us in our family. It makes sense to me as dh works long hours and I'm a SAHM.
Also, I don't see my dh's family as "his lot" I see them as my family too so why would I treat his parents any different to the way I treat my own Mum and Dad?
All this his family, her family stuff is ridiculous. You don't have to be related by blood to be family.

I am sorry Waahingwashingwashing

You want her to facilitate what you do for her DC.

But for the situation to be strictly fair, SIL’s DH would have to facilitate - gifts, sleepovers etc.

Your DH is not buying gifts for his DNs or organising sleepovers.

Your SIL is not buying birthday gifts and organising sleepovers.

I’m really not sure this is a non-biological family issue as much as a SAHM family set-up vs a WOHM (or 2x working parents - you don’t really mention a BIL much at all in this scenario but you’re definitely putting the onus on her not him )

The kids aren’t cousins though.

You can't change her, you can only change you.
I think people give things they think make good presents, so matching them is a good idea and saves awkwardness. If she thinks Primark t shirts make nice gifts then why would it be a punishment to give her kids similar?
If DH doesn't like it, he will have to take on the load of sorting out more generous gifts. After all, they are his family.

@Waahingwashingwashing I might have misread the posts but how would you describe the relationship between the two sets of DCs????

Yes, my dc are close enough in age and get along well. SIL's dc come to our house and have sleepovers often, I also look after them on occasions when SIL is called into work at last minute. My dc have never been to her house without me or dh being there.

I think given this update she is being quite rude. In reality, her kids are no relation to you yet you babysit when asked and help her out as normal in-laws do. Yet she can’t manage a simple birthday gift for yours. I would actually stop buying and leave it with dh. After all, we’re only buying for the blood relatives.

OP it's one person (SIL), not the whole family. Let it go. And if you buying the presents for both sides actually suits you, you don't have to stop. I wouldn't say to DH your family, your problem. He clearly doesn't feel that way about your DCs so I think it could create ructions where there are none.

PPs have said that SIL isn't related to them, and something could happen where she never sees them again at some point. And maybe if DH does adopt them, she may change her stance. But focus on the fact that the rest of his family are lovely and celebrate that.

Technically they aren’t cousins?