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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my children to be treated as equals to dh sisters children?

183 replies

invisiblezara · 15/11/2021 11:46

Dh and I had a discussion last night over Christmas gifts and budget. When we got to talking about his Niece's and nephew he suggested we spend £25 on each of them which is what we have done ever since we got together some years ago. Now, I usually always agree to this budget and we usually get a few small gifts for each of them rather than one larger present worth £25.

My problem is that every year for Christmas and their birthdays we do so much for his Dsis children and she doesn't put any kind of effort in back for my children.
For example 4 times a year we visit dh sister for every one of her children's birthdays with loads of gifts and spend time down there with them all but my children don't even get a "happy birthday" from her.

I want to make things more fair, we definitely don't give to receive but even though they don't say anything I feel my children will begin to notice they are being treated differently just because they're not family by blood. They are not my dh's biological children and he doesn't have any of his own but we have been in the family long enough to know each other very well and spend a lot of time together.
My dc have absolutely no contact with their biological dad or any family from his side and know Dh's parents as their own grandparents.

This year I suggested we get each of her children a t-shirt from Primark as she does each year for my children. Dh at first thought I was being very unreasonable but then said he sort of understood where I was coming from, but now
I'm starting to doubt myself and feel like I maybe being petty? So I'd like your thoughts, am I being unreasonable? Should I just continue spending what we usually spend or should I match her Christmas gifts?
Of course we will still continue to buy for her children on their birthdays regardless of the fact she doesn't acknowledge mine.

OP posts:
DoctorWhoTardis · 15/11/2021 13:40

She's including them she gives them gifts. I think your being a tad over dramatic maybe she can't afford what you can afford?
But if spending what she spends on your DC would make you happier - then do it. Better off than resenting her.

Zilla1 · 15/11/2021 13:41

@Waahingwashingwashing so how would you describe it?

girlmom21 · 15/11/2021 13:42

@Waahingwashingwashing

Technically they aren’t cousins?
It's irrelevant whether they're 'technically' cousins.

Technically the children aren't OP's in laws grandchildren, but they are treated as such.

Stompythedinosaur · 15/11/2021 13:42

Spent what you want to - you don't give in order to receive. I get nice gifts for dniece and dnephew because I love them despite the fact their parents buy less for ours.

Waahingwashingwashing · 15/11/2021 13:43

I would say DH sisters kids

“Do you want to go and play with x and y”

I wouldn’t say play with your cousins. Because they’re not?

aSofaNearYou · 15/11/2021 13:43

@invisiblezara

*Oh I see, I hope he pays you well. * What a strange comment Hmm It's just what works for us in our family. It makes sense to me as dh works long hours and I'm a SAHM. Also, I don't see my dh's family as "his lot" I see them as my family too so why would I treat his parents any different to the way I treat my own Mum and Dad? All this his family, her family stuff is ridiculous. You don't have to be related by blood to be family.
I can't help but notice you've said thinks like this a lot on this thread. You're not wrong to do things like this yourself and it's lovely that your DH feels like they are his children, but I do think you need to open your mind to the fact that not everybody feels this way, and your expectations here are a little overbearing. I don't view my DPs family as my own, they definitely are "his lot". We get on well but it is normal to not view your in laws as a new mum and dad, sister, and of course by extension, niece/nephew or even son/daughter.

That said, if you can't make peace with the fact that your SIL doesn't view your children as her own nieces/nephews, then you'd be going about it wrong by doing what you've proposed here. Her children are not extensions of her, buy HER less birthday presents if you want to, or better yet DP could talk to her about the situation and tell her he plans on adopting these children and sees them as his own.

The absolute soundest advice, though, and tbh what should be happening even if none of the stuff you've talked about here was a factor, is you should step back and let him sort out the gifts. Stop doing the wife work, you sort your side of the family and he can sort his.

5128gap · 15/11/2021 13:44

@invisiblezara

*Oh I see, I hope he pays you well. * What a strange comment Hmm It's just what works for us in our family. It makes sense to me as dh works long hours and I'm a SAHM. Also, I don't see my dh's family as "his lot" I see them as my family too so why would I treat his parents any different to the way I treat my own Mum and Dad? All this his family, her family stuff is ridiculous. You don't have to be related by blood to be family.
Totally agree OP. I can never understand the rush to gleefully point out 'yeah but they're NOT his children/your neices/nephews though are they...' like people think their blood snd genes are so precious that 'family' should be ring fenced to those who share them. Fortunately its not an attitude I see much in RL where generally people treat the non biological members the same.
Waahingwashingwashing · 15/11/2021 13:44

And yes. Technically they’re not the op’s DH grandchildren either

Some of it may be a mismatch in gift giving styles - the op certainly does more than I do even for my own kids I’ve never got balloons.

Cocomarine · 15/11/2021 13:45

You might be over estimating the impact here of your children not being related to her.
There are lots of threads all the time (and especially Xmas) about family members doing more or less than others.

I come from a large family - we don’t all do the same reciprocation between each sibling. Frankly, one of my sisters goes ridiculously OTT at Xmas for all the kids - none of the rest of us want to be dragged into the same level of effort.

So do consider that - that it may not be about biology at all.

Temple29 · 15/11/2021 13:45

I get where your coming from OP. My DH’s sister has 2 children who we buy nice gifts for every birthday and Christmas. I have 2 boys and she has never bought them anything (they are 2.5 and 14 months old).

I still buy for my SIL’s kids even though it bothers me because I figure it has nothing to do with the kids. I just buy what I think they’ll be happy with and leave it at that.

Waahingwashingwashing · 15/11/2021 13:45

It’s all very well treating your in laws like family but the minute there’s a divorce you’re not and they’re not.

girlmom21 · 15/11/2021 13:47

@Waahingwashingwashing there's also a very good chance that a divorce will never happen.

My SM would absolutely still be a nan to my children if her and my DF split.

Cocomarine · 15/11/2021 13:47

For example, no way in hell am I visiting even birthday for 4 children, complete with balloons. I don’t know ANYONE who would do that.

LolaSmiles · 15/11/2021 13:47

I'm not sure why people seem so baffled to the idea that a child has to be biologically yours for you to treat or love them as your own
Dh is infertile and has wanted children for a very long time, he's a brilliant dad regardless of them being related to him by blood.
I'm not baffled that your DH loves your children and certainly don't think that someone is a better or worse parent based on being biologically related.

I just don't think adults can police their partner's wider family and expect the wider family to compensate for the fact a child doesn't have particular family relationships with one side of their family.

Cocomarine · 15/11/2021 13:53

@invisiblezara what are the relative ages of the children? You don’t have to say, but what I’m getting at is what your husband did before you took over the wifework.

You say that works for your family but you haven’t always been there.

So what did he do before? Did he trudge around getting presents, and visit 4x a year with balloons? If not, do keep in mind that his sister might still be reciprocating what he chose to do before.

Meltedwellie · 15/11/2021 13:54

Yeah she’s being a cow. Give them the equivalent of what she gives your kids.

Finknottlesnewt · 15/11/2021 13:55

And there we have it :

That's just what works for us. I'm a SAHM and dh works long hours. I do all the present buying for both of our families.

sorry but NO ONE work hours so long that they can't buy a couple of presents. That's pure manshit designed to put you in your place.

God these threads are depressing. The OP presents a problem and posters come up with an entirely suitable answer. Just because you own a uterus, this doesn't automatically make you present buyer general for his family.

You have been told to leave the presents for his DN to HIM !

But.no you won't. You will continue rehashing the same problem despite a solution being provided within the first few posts.

Get your big girl pants on. Get the present list . (His family for him your family for you ) and problem over.

Except you will probably come up with a thousand reasons why a grown adult male cannot take on the mental load of a few presents and push a few buttons on a website or pop into a shop.

Mommy martyrdom at its finest .

jb7445 · 15/11/2021 13:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
invisiblezara · 15/11/2021 13:56

@Cocomarine

For example, no way in hell am I visiting even birthday for 4 children, complete with balloons. I don’t know ANYONE who would do that.
It's not like we spend a fortune. It's a few inexpensive gifts for each child on their birthdays and one balloon. We only started to get the balloons as SIL's eldest child has special needs and is fascinated by them. Then it just followed for the other dc.
OP posts:
CanIPleaseHaveOne · 15/11/2021 13:58

OP - it sems like you have a very nice set up with a lovely dh, his parents and so on. You have managed to organise a loving extended family after being in an abusive relationship. No mean feat.

Why not bite the bullet on this one? Let dsil be herself, you can have a wry laugh from time to time!

SunshineCake1 · 15/11/2021 13:58

It's such a shame that some people are so devoid of feelings that they can't accept their brothers step children as part of the family.

5128gap · 15/11/2021 13:59

@LolaSmiles

I'm not sure why people seem so baffled to the idea that a child has to be biologically yours for you to treat or love them as your own Dh is infertile and has wanted children for a very long time, he's a brilliant dad regardless of them being related to him by blood. I'm not baffled that your DH loves your children and certainly don't think that someone is a better or worse parent based on being biologically related.

I just don't think adults can police their partner's wider family and expect the wider family to compensate for the fact a child doesn't have particular family relationships with one side of their family.

But that isn't what's being asked. The H, in accepting the children as his, has created a role for his extended family as grandparents and aunt, and presumably would hope for them to play that role as they would had he fathered the children. The input of the biological father and his family, or any other adults in the children's lives is irrelevant.
NoSquirrels · 15/11/2021 14:00

You want her to be as thoughtful as you are.

But, like Cocomarine, I think this could just as easily be a mismatched gift-giving thing as much as a biological family thing.

From what you’ve said your SIL works outside the home, has 4 DC, one with special needs… isn’t it just likely she’s just not prioritising wider family birthdays?

Original poster
invisiblezara · 15/11/2021 14:03

@Finknottlesnewt

And there we have it :

That's just what works for us. I'm a SAHM and dh works long hours. I do all the present buying for both of our families.

sorry but NO ONE work hours so long that they can't buy a couple of presents. That's pure manshit designed to put you in your place.

God these threads are depressing. The OP presents a problem and posters come up with an entirely suitable answer. Just because you own a uterus, this doesn't automatically make you present buyer general for his family.

You have been told to leave the presents for his DN to HIM !

But.no you won't. You will continue rehashing the same problem despite a solution being provided within the first few posts.

Get your big girl pants on. Get the present list . (His family for him your family for you ) and problem over.

Except you will probably come up with a thousand reasons why a grown adult male cannot take on the mental load of a few presents and push a few buttons on a website or pop into a shop.

Mommy martyrdom at its finest .

I'm sorry but this is just completely ridiculous. Where on earth did I state that DH has in any way suggested I do all the present buying?

Of course DH has free time even though he works long hours but I have even more of it as a SAHM.

I didn't say he is incapable of purchasing a few gifts for his family, I chose to do it because that's what works for us.

If I felt in any way put out by this I'm big enough to put my foot down and tell him to get his own! It's something I chose to do. What works in my family may not work in others and that's perfectly fine but please don't try and push your way of doing things onto me.

OP posts:
Zilla1 · 15/11/2021 14:04

I agree with @CanIPleaseHaveOne

I might have misread the posts but I think I'm more in the calling them cousins camp. I suppose I'd find young DC might struggle with 'hello stranger' becoming 'hello step grandparent, step cousin, step aunt' if their mother married their new DP' and if eventually adopted then legally this changing to 'hello legal but not genetic grand parent, cousin, aunt depending in our legal jurisdiction'. I know some people will be more purist than me or 'technical'.