To expect my children to be treated as equals to dh sisters children?

[invisiblezara]

Dh and I had a discussion last night over Christmas gifts and budget. When we got to talking about his Niece's and nephew he suggested we spend £25 on each of them which is what we have done ever since we got together some years ago. Now, I usually always agree to this budget and we usually get a few small gifts for each of them rather than one larger present worth £25.

My problem is that every year for Christmas and their birthdays we do so much for his Dsis children and she doesn't put any kind of effort in back for my children.
For example 4 times a year we visit dh sister for every one of her children's birthdays with loads of gifts and spend time down there with them all but my children don't even get a "happy birthday" from her.

I want to make things more fair, we definitely don't give to receive but even though they don't say anything I feel my children will begin to notice they are being treated differently just because they're not family by blood. They are not my dh's biological children and he doesn't have any of his own but we have been in the family long enough to know each other very well and spend a lot of time together.
My dc have absolutely no contact with their biological dad or any family from his side and know Dh's parents as their own grandparents.

This year I suggested we get each of her children a t-shirt from Primark as she does each year for my children. Dh at first thought I was being very unreasonable but then said he sort of understood where I was coming from, but now
I'm starting to doubt myself and feel like I maybe being petty? So I'd like your thoughts, am I being unreasonable? Should I just continue spending what we usually spend or should I match her Christmas gifts?
Of course we will still continue to buy for her children on their birthdays regardless of the fact she doesn't acknowledge mine.

But well done on convincing your DH to buy primark T Shirts for his nieces and nephews, instead of their usual gifts, because you don't think their mother is getting enough gifts for your DC.

He would still be their uncle, whether or not he had got together with you and your children.

He needs to act as their uncle, independently of anything else going on.

YABU.

@LolaSmiles

His nieces and nephews are his nieces and nephews. Your children are not his sister's nieces and nephews. It sounds like she is rude and takes things to extremes, but I find it hard reading thread after thread where it's expected that new partner families are expected to step up because a child's father and his family aren't involved.

At what point are they no longer 'new'?

@Waahingwashingwashing

Technically they aren’t cousins?

Ofgs.

Luckily mist of us live in a world where there's feelings and thought and kindness.

Until there’s a divorce @Nanny0gg. I won’t get caught like I was again. It broke my bloody heart. I had kids in my house every week and put emotional energy into a relationship that disappeared as soon as me and my ex split and it was incredibly difficult for me.

I won’t do that again. My nieces and nephews on my siblings families are the ones I’ll make the effort with and if I ever have a partner who has nieces and nephews then it’s up to him to manage that relationship

YANBU - regardless of blood ties etc, the DC presumably know each other as cousins, and it’s unfair what is currently happening.

I’ve had a similar situation with my in-laws. DH’s siblings wouldn’t buy for my DC from a previous relationship, even though we spent a fortune on their kids. When DH and I had our own baby, we made it clear we wouldn’t be accepting any gifts for him, as we didn’t want our children to be treated differently. DH was completely on board with this though.

At what point are they no longer 'new'?
I'm not following what you're getting at. Swap new for 'any subsequent' if it's clearer.

A new/subsequent partner's family is under no obligation to step up and fulfil whatever family roles a child doesn't have from one side of their biological family. There's regularly threads where it's expected that new DP's parents step up into grandparent role because son's partner's DC don't see their dad's side, that the same savings are put away/same value presents are given for grandchildren and their son's partner's children etc.

An adult choosing a romantic relationship with another adult with children doesn't sign their whole family up to being grandparents, aunties, uncles or any other family role for children. It's good when everyone gets along but nobody can force their family to view someone else's children the same as their own.

Just leave it with your DH they’re his nephew and niece!