To expect my children to be treated as equals to dh sisters children?

[invisiblezara]

Dh and I had a discussion last night over Christmas gifts and budget. When we got to talking about his Niece's and nephew he suggested we spend £25 on each of them which is what we have done ever since we got together some years ago. Now, I usually always agree to this budget and we usually get a few small gifts for each of them rather than one larger present worth £25.

My problem is that every year for Christmas and their birthdays we do so much for his Dsis children and she doesn't put any kind of effort in back for my children.
For example 4 times a year we visit dh sister for every one of her children's birthdays with loads of gifts and spend time down there with them all but my children don't even get a "happy birthday" from her.

I want to make things more fair, we definitely don't give to receive but even though they don't say anything I feel my children will begin to notice they are being treated differently just because they're not family by blood. They are not my dh's biological children and he doesn't have any of his own but we have been in the family long enough to know each other very well and spend a lot of time together.
My dc have absolutely no contact with their biological dad or any family from his side and know Dh's parents as their own grandparents.

This year I suggested we get each of her children a t-shirt from Primark as she does each year for my children. Dh at first thought I was being very unreasonable but then said he sort of understood where I was coming from, but now
I'm starting to doubt myself and feel like I maybe being petty? So I'd like your thoughts, am I being unreasonable? Should I just continue spending what we usually spend or should I match her Christmas gifts?
Of course we will still continue to buy for her children on their birthdays regardless of the fact she doesn't acknowledge mine.

It’s not a comment about money, @invisiblezara - if you have money, and you obviously do, it’s the easiest thing in the world to spend it. It’s about effort - with or without presents, none of my own (many) siblings or friends visit other family members for every birthday.

It’s not bad that you do… but I really don’t think it’s the norm - so it would be quite an expectation to want SIL to reciprocate.

This is something you do because you want to do it. You can’t expect her to do the same.

Honestly if you weren’t there, would your husband go? Was he doing this before and you just carried it on? Do you go purely to do something nice for her kids - or as well because you want your own kids to be part of a bigger family? I’m not knocking the latter, it would be understandable. But if so - be honest with yourself that we all have our own selfish motivations (we’re human) so she doesn’t have to do it too, just because it fulfils your needs.

It sounds like someone said above a mismatch in present giving style. You place a lot of importance on it and sound thoughtful. She maybe doesn’t. It’s hard to know because it’s not like one sibling is blood related and one not then we’d see if there was a difference. It took me ages to realise it’s not personal when I’d get my friend something I’d spent a lot of time choosing, wrapping nicely and getting a nice card and I’d get something chucked at me with the sale label on, carrier bag and no card (exaggeration here) and wonder if she just didn’t care. Well, she doesn’t. She doesn’t care about present giving, she cares about me though. It wasn’t personal. We don’t all place the same level of importance on these things

It's lovely that you treat your DH family as your own, but your SIL obv doesn't feel the same.
When my DC were younger (and my Mum had recently died) I did think of DH's family as mine, but I have realised over time, they are really not.
They are good caring people, but my DH and children are family, and I am other, when it comes down to it.
I think it is rare that this is not the case.

I admit, I wouldnt see your kids really as part of the family.
It is up to your DP to buy presents for his niece and nephews. They are his family.

It’s important that stepkids get taught about reciprocity when it comes to step family relationships. Ultimately just in the same way as they aren’t your sil’s neices / nephews, she isn’t their aunt, so why should you and them spend so much time and effort on presents for her and her kids? Let your DH sort it out and refuse to contribute anything towards it. Focus on the family members who do treat them like their own.

* What works in my family may not work in others and that's perfectly fine but please don't try and push your way of doing things onto me.*

To be fair though, you appear to be trying to push your way of doing things on your sil….

@julieca

I admit, I wouldnt see your kids really as part of the family. It is up to your DP to buy presents for his niece and nephews. They are his family.

I don't see it that way at all. They are my family too as I am their Aunty by marriage.

@MarcelineMissouri

* What works in my family may not work in others and that's perfectly fine but please don't try and push your way of doing things onto me.*

To be fair though, you appear to be trying to push your way of doing things on your sil….

I'm not trying to push my ways on her at all. I was actually just hoping she may reciprocate some of the effort I put in for her dc each year.

So you give to have reciprocated?

OP, I'm posting in haste as I was just briefly grazing on Mumsnet but felt compelled to reply given some of the responses you've had.

This isn't about managing your emotions and you are not doing anything wrong either by being a SAHM and doing the present buying or having the response that you are having to your SIL's insensitivity/general unpleasantness.

I've been the step-child in this scenario and it's upsetting to think of it years later. Children know when they are being proactively excluded or devalued relative to others. I'd hand this to your DH. If he wants to carry on buying gifts he can but you and your children don't have to live with giving in the widest sense and being isolated in return. If he's a man of measure he'll be pointing out to his DSis that he doesn't find her actions acceptable.

Good luck with adoption if you decide to go for it. It seems to me that you and your children have escaped a violent ex/father and created a warm and loving family with a good man who recognises - as you do - that biology doesn't mean everything and can often mean nothing. All the best to you all.

@invisiblezara Yes I understand you see your family role as Auntie. I am just saying that not everyone sees it that way. If you and DP split up the rest of the family would probably never see your kids again.

If he's a man of measure he'll be pointing out to his DSis that he doesn't find her actions acceptable.

What if the DSis takes exactly the same approach with her biological young relatives?

It could just be miss-matched gift giving approaches. We don't know whether these children are singled out to receive cheaper gifts, or whether that's the norm for her.

*I didn't say he is incapable of purchasing a few gifts for his family, I chose to do it because that's what works for us.

If I felt in any way put out by this I'm big enough to put my foot down and tell him to get his own!*

OP the very point is it doesn't work for you anymore, because it is making you resentful of how much effort you put in compared to her.

@CSJobseeker

If he's a man of measure he'll be pointing out to his DSis that he doesn't find her actions acceptable.

What if the DSis takes exactly the same approach with her biological young relatives?

It could just be miss-matched gift giving approaches. We don't know whether these children are singled out to receive cheaper gifts, or whether that's the norm for her.

This is what I’m thinking. I really don’t care about birthdays of extended family members or them acknowledging mine. They’re just not a bit thing to me. I thoughtful and kind in other ways. I’m just not into getting/giving gifts.n

I'm not trying to push my ways on her at all. I was actually just hoping she may reciprocate some of the effort I put in for her dc each year.

Do you not see the contradiction in this?

If her approach is generally to give minimal gifts to her young relatives (I don't know if it is or not), then you and DH going over there with multiple gifts and balloons is OTT. You shouldn't give gifts for the reciprocation.

Am not in the camp that when someone marries an unmarried man then they will never become a relation to his sister nor his nieces and nephews. I wonder what the default sequence in a family with several siblings of marriage and having children that previously would have meant family members become technically related to each other. And this prior to the 42% UK divorce with resulting increases in remarriage, step parenting and possible adoption which has caused social relations to evolve.

I'd just cut down on what you're getting them. Send them a £10 voucher or something.

There's nothing you can do to make her 'better', but you can change your own behaviour so that it won't annoy you so much.

It likely has an extra sting because you know they are not blood family, but the reality is she might be just as crap if they were.

What did your DH do for her kids before you got together?

I do get why you are annoyed but sounds to me like you and DH are a great aunt and uncle to the nieces/nephews. His sister, not so much, but I would just rise above it.

I'm another person who invested a lot of energy into my brother's step daughter. I even taught her to ride a bike! And my parents did a lot for her too. Then my brother split up with her mum and I haven't seen her since. Whereas of course I would still see her if she was my brother's biological child. So that would make me a bit wary of doing the same thing again in similar circumstances. But at the same time, I can see that's not right either, because if my brother and his ex had stayed together it would have been sad and unfair to have kept his DSD at arm's length just in case of something that may never happen. So I guess I can look back and know I did the right thing, despite how things turned out in the end.

@Zilla1

Am not in the camp that when someone marries an unmarried man then they will never become a relation to his sister nor his nieces and nephews. I wonder what the default sequence in a family with several siblings of marriage and having children that previously would have meant family members become technically related to each other. And this prior to the 42% UK divorce with resulting increases in remarriage, step parenting and possible adoption which has caused social relations to evolve.

I dont think they will never become relations. But for me they don't become relations until I can say that if the couples split up, would I see the ex-partner and kids ever again? There are people in my extended family that the answer to this is yes. But they have been around for years. There are others that the answer is no. No-one has seen them for years.

Am not in the camp that when someone marries an unmarried man then they will never become a relation to his sister nor his nieces and nephews.

They become related, yes, but it's not the same as a blood relationship because it has the potential to be temporary.

I've been with my DH for +20yrs, and I get on really well with his parents and siblings. I do think of them as family (and I hope they think of me that way too - they certainly always welcome me), but I'm under no illusion that if DH and I split, those relationships would almost certainly end with our marriage.

Whereas my dad or my sister will always be my dad or my sister, and nothing can ever change that. Whether we like it or not, there's a difference.

Tbh, I think the most likely explanation here is mismatched giving styles. What the OP describes (going over in person to give multiple presents and a balloon) sounds totally alien to me. Neither I nor any of my relatives have ever felt the need to do that for birthdays.

Does sil know that her parents treat your dc like their own grandchildren? Also she may treat the rest of her nieces and nephews the same as your dc. If the rest of dh's family treated your children like sil does would you have been as upset? I'm just wondering if it's because there is a marked difference.

@Waahingwashingwashing

What did your DH do for her kids before you got together?

I think this is a good question. Your DH should be taking the lead, and he should do the same as he would do if you and your kids weren't around.

If he was single, would he spend £25 and go round with a balloon? Or would he spend £25 and stick it in the post? Or would he just bung a voucher in a birthday card?

@CSJobseeker that's not what @Waahingwashingwashing is suggesting. She's suggesting DH might have done a lot more before me met OP and that SIL's kids might now be losing out by 'only' getting £25 each