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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Random-man comments

234 replies

OldieButaGoodie · 15/11/2021 05:40

Wish me luck - I'm going to HR when I get into work tomorrow about a man who works for the same Company, but I don't know him and never had a conversation with him. The other day in the office, I was in the open-plan kitchen which is a bit of a thoroughfare and I was pouring myself a glass of iced coffee from a container I bought in from home. Minding my own business and he pipes up, as he's walking past "you shouldn't be drinking that - you should be drinking green tea".. FFS mate, didn't ask for, and don't care about, your opinion! Angry

I know this topic has been mentioned before, where random men think it's ok to comment on what women are eating/drinking/wearing/etc etc etc. No, it's not.

I've had to scroll through the staff list photos to work out who he is, but it was so fleeting, that I'm going on the hunt tomorrow to ensure it's who I think it is. If it's this dickhead, he's old enough to know better than to speak to women like that - and we work in the public sector and this stuff is drummed into us all the time.

He picked the wrong person to insult - and I'm waiting for the excuses - - - you took it the wrong way - - - you don't have a sense of humour - - - I didn't mean anything by it - - - and yeah, none of them is going to cut it with me. He insulted me and there's no changing it with pissy excuses.

So, I suppose I'm not really asking if I'm being unreasonable..Grin

OP posts:
Zarene · 15/11/2021 05:44

That was clearly annoying, but as a one off comment I really can't see how it warrants HR.

SonicBroom · 15/11/2021 05:47

Surely this is a joke Confused?!

PrincessNutella · 15/11/2021 05:47

I agree. Annoying, yes. But HR? Come on.

Nyxly · 15/11/2021 05:52

I get where you are coming from. It is annoying when men think they can comment on anything.

However, in the real world, this go nowhere and potentially negatively impacted you. HR are there for the company not for you and they won't spend time speaking to him about why he shouldn't comment on people's beverages. If they do it will be in a 'I know this sounds ridiculous but....'

They will pin you as someone who makes petty complaints its not fair but there's a 90% chance it will end up there. Unfortunately, for women at work, complainat often backfire and have to carefully considered.

Personally, I would have just said something direct to him like 'I don't recall asking your opinion' or 'it's rude to give advice when non was asked for' or 'who says I should be drinking green tea?' Or even 'who are you?'.

He is unlikey to even consider changing his behaviour via HR.

If this is very important to you and you have made your mind up and weighed up the (sizeable) risks and benefits, go for it.

SarahBellam · 15/11/2021 05:52

You’re going to HR because someone suggested in passing you should drink green tea? Why would you do that?

KatherineJaneway · 15/11/2021 06:19

What do you want to get out of that meeting?

He has done nothing wrong but give you some annoying, unsolicited advice. HR won't care and you'll make yourself look spectacularly silly if you approach them about this.

Jabvribt · 15/11/2021 06:23

I do get it as it’s always bloody men who think they can comment on what women do and yes they need to be told it’s none of their business but I’m not sure you’re going to get very far with this in HR

ticktockriojaoclock · 15/11/2021 06:24

Well, I wonder what HR will do. It's rather an innocuous thing to feel insulted by, have you got other stressors going on right now that maybe made you especially sensitive to a strangers opinion?

Thatsplentyjack · 15/11/2021 06:27

Yes it's annoying but HR, really?

Wilkolampshade · 15/11/2021 06:29

YANBU to find this irritating.
YABU to involve HR.

Turtles25 · 15/11/2021 06:29

You are too easily offended.

rrhuth · 15/11/2021 06:31

@Wilkolampshade

YANBU to find this irritating. YABU to involve HR.
Agree.
HelloDulling · 15/11/2021 06:35

Annoying; yes. Insulting; WHAT?

altforvarmt · 15/11/2021 06:37

Don't go to HR. You will look foolish.

Dizzy1234 · 15/11/2021 06:40

Crikey, he made a passing comment, nothing derogatory, sexist or particularly rude.
In his cack handed way he's made an unsolicited comment probably not trying to be rude and you've gone to the trouble of searching the company employee list to find him to make a complaint 🙄
That says more about you than him.
Go to HR and you'll look like a fool

Ifailed · 15/11/2021 06:40

Would you go to HR if a woman had made the comment?

Furtherdownthespiral · 15/11/2021 06:41

Bloody hell OP, I know random comment men are annoying but HR seems a HUGE overreaction

LonginesPrime · 15/11/2021 06:59

If you involve HR now, it's going to be difficult to get them to take you seriously if something more important happens in the future that you actually need to complain about, as you will look like someone who blows things out of proportion.

HR don't need to be policing every little interaction between colleagues and i think it shows a lack of judgment if you can't handle such a simple and fleeting conversation without help.

From the lengths you're going to to track him down, it doesn't sound like your paths cross regularly anyway, so it's not interfering with your ability to do your job - he's just a random dickhead.

Now you know what he's like, surely you can come up with a reply for next time? Or just laugh in his face and say "yeah, whatever" if your paths cross again - you don't have to let him have the last word just because that's what he wants.

HugeAckmansWife · 15/11/2021 07:04

I agree he's a dickhead but also with pp who say going to HR is the wrong approach in this instance. I would have a comeback ready for next time and tackle it head on. 'who are you'? Is good as it puts them on the back foot.. Youve already put them down a notch as they are a random person, you ve not noticed them before. Or 'and you shouldn't be advising random people what to do' or something along those lines.

SavageBeauty73 · 15/11/2021 07:05

How is his comment an insult? Weird.

GoodnightGrandma · 15/11/2021 07:06

If he’d slapped your arse on the way past I’d agree with HR, but for commenting on your drink - no.

MartyHart · 15/11/2021 07:07

Ok...sure crack on

MrsDeaconClaybourne · 15/11/2021 07:07

I completely get it but like PP don't think it's worth reporting as I don't think it'll be taken seriously. I thought you were going to say it was a series of these kind of remarks. I do understand why it's annoying and why you want to make a point.

Covetthee · 15/11/2021 07:11

Agree with others, HR is extreme.

Its very annoying when a man makes a stupid comment agreed, however if it really annoyed you why would you not call him out then? That would put him in his place, more so than anything HR would say to him

shouldistop · 15/11/2021 07:12

One comment like this doesn't warrant an HR complaint. As a pp said HR will just think you're a pain.
If the same person made these comments to you daily it would be different, but not a single passing comment!

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