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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Random-man comments

234 replies

OldieButaGoodie · 15/11/2021 05:40

Wish me luck - I'm going to HR when I get into work tomorrow about a man who works for the same Company, but I don't know him and never had a conversation with him. The other day in the office, I was in the open-plan kitchen which is a bit of a thoroughfare and I was pouring myself a glass of iced coffee from a container I bought in from home. Minding my own business and he pipes up, as he's walking past "you shouldn't be drinking that - you should be drinking green tea".. FFS mate, didn't ask for, and don't care about, your opinion! Angry

I know this topic has been mentioned before, where random men think it's ok to comment on what women are eating/drinking/wearing/etc etc etc. No, it's not.

I've had to scroll through the staff list photos to work out who he is, but it was so fleeting, that I'm going on the hunt tomorrow to ensure it's who I think it is. If it's this dickhead, he's old enough to know better than to speak to women like that - and we work in the public sector and this stuff is drummed into us all the time.

He picked the wrong person to insult - and I'm waiting for the excuses - - - you took it the wrong way - - - you don't have a sense of humour - - - I didn't mean anything by it - - - and yeah, none of them is going to cut it with me. He insulted me and there's no changing it with pissy excuses.

So, I suppose I'm not really asking if I'm being unreasonable..Grin

OP posts:
debwong · 15/11/2021 07:14

How did he insult you?

NothingelsetodobutreadMN · 15/11/2021 07:14

You can't have much on your plate to be worrying over this.

shouldistop · 15/11/2021 07:15

And I'm not sure what the insult is. Yeah, he's a dick that clearly thinks he's superior and I doubt he'd comment on another mans drink. I'm not seeing what the insult is though.

WayneBruce · 15/11/2021 07:19

You should have said something to the man at the time. Fair enough if you weren't quick enough with a come back, have one one in mind for next time. But to raise to hr?
Feels over kill to me.

Skyeheather · 15/11/2021 07:25

He likes you and tried to say something to strike up a conversation but his nerves got the better of him and he said something really stupid.... he's probably kicking himself now!

HR will piss themselves laughing if you go to them with this, everyone will know who you are after this..... please don't.

Whereismumhiding3 · 15/11/2021 07:26

He picked the wrong person to insult - and I'm waiting for the excuses - - - you took it the wrong way - - - you don't have a sense of humour - - - I didn't mean anything by it - - - and yeah, none of them is going to cut it with me. He insulted me and there's no changing it with pissy excuses.

Wow. He said you shouldn't be drinking that - you should be drinking green tea"..

Have you made the HR appointment?
It was a slightly patronising comment made in passing but not an insulting one. If you make a HR complaint they'd be looking more at you- there's a lack of judgement and intolerance in doing so.

You said public sector, which makes me wonder whether you're overworked and frazzled and this is a reaction to that.

Unless you have a history of comments he makes about weight /food /drink and / clothes, I am not sure that HR or the rest of us would necessarily agree with your interpretation on the basis of that one vague comment.

FourteenSixteenTwentyTwo · 15/11/2021 07:26

I’m on the fence about this - I’m really not sure HR is the right approach. I think it will make you look a little silly and I don’t think there’s anything they can do. But on the other hand I can see why you want to do something - it is annoying, it is never well meaning and purely meant to be patronising and it would be nice if action was taken.

I think, to really fix the problem, all women who are subject to random comments and advice like this need to be pulling up the random men every single time it happens so they might start noticing a pattern.

NeverTheHootenanny · 15/11/2021 07:26

I’m in HR. I’d find it really difficult to do anything meaningful with this complaint, we can’t police every interaction.
Random comment men are incredibly annoying though, I completely get why he’s got your back up.

SonicBroom · 15/11/2021 07:27

I think this is a wind up.

FourteenSixteenTwentyTwo · 15/11/2021 07:28

@Skyeheather

He likes you and tried to say something to strike up a conversation but his nerves got the better of him and he said something really stupid.... he's probably kicking himself now!

HR will piss themselves laughing if you go to them with this, everyone will know who you are after this..... please don't.

Aww, good to know the ‘he’s just being mean because he likes you’ comments persist way into adulthood.
fuckyourpronouns · 15/11/2021 07:31

I work in HR. We are not the tittle tattle police. I would ask you why you were telling me and what you hoped I would do with information.

Seriously 🙄. Grow a backbone and if he says it again tell him that you value his opinion based on the amount you paid for it and move on

springiscoming12 · 15/11/2021 07:32

Don’t go to HR about this OP, they have real work to do.

MyOtherProfile · 15/11/2021 07:32

We had a woman like this at work. She often made "helpful" suggestions. Wouldn't have crossed my mind to take it to HR!

Rainbowsew · 15/11/2021 07:32
Hmm He made an idiotic comment but not worthy of HR! He may have been clumsily just making conversation.
ToastofLandon · 15/11/2021 07:35

You’re being ridiculous and need to get a grip.

debwong · 15/11/2021 07:36

tell him that you value his opinion based on the amount you paid for it

Grin
SkiingIsHeaven · 15/11/2021 07:39

Seriously! If this is all you have to worry about in life you are a very lucky snowflake person.

MimiDaisy11 · 15/11/2021 07:41

@Wilkolampshade

YANBU to find this irritating. YABU to involve HR.
This!

It is annoying as they know they can get away with irritating comments like this but really you’ll just look silly going to HR.

Just picture how that conversation is going to go.
“I’d like to make a complaint about a colleague.”
“What happened?”
“A man passed by me in the kitchen and advised me to drink green tea.”
They’re going to expect more from the interaction and might be confused. It could end up making you more annoyed.

ANameChangeAgain · 15/11/2021 07:42

You'll make a fool of yourself if you go to HR with this (if the story is a genuine one). If he commented on your appearance, body, clothing then yes, but a comment about drinking green tea shouldn't make him the scapegoat of every man who has cat called, insulted or upset you.

CityMumma78 · 15/11/2021 07:42

And you think HR will take this seriously??
Should anything else happen at work where you need to involve HR their experience of you will be tarnished by this petty complaint.

SnarkyBag · 15/11/2021 07:43

He sounds irritating and like you I wouldn’t have time for unsolicited opinions on my food choices but agree that any complaint to HR will have more of a negative impact on you than him.

FOJN · 15/11/2021 07:43

Did you say anything at the time?

I can understand there are situations where people may feel too intimidated to address inappropriate behaviour in the workplace but I don't think this some of them.

I'm not sure HR will take it seriously if you didn't try to address it at the time and it's not a repeating pattern of behaviour.

There was a thread about this recently which had good examples of reasonable responses but I would be incline to go with, "if I wanted green tea, I'd be drinking green tea", and then ignore.

bumblingbovine49 · 15/11/2021 07:44

@Skyeheather

He likes you and tried to say something to strike up a conversation but his nerves got the better of him and he said something really stupid.... he's probably kicking himself now!

HR will piss themselves laughing if you go to them with this, everyone will know who you are after this..... please don't.

This

HR really? I mean really? Unless there is more to this than was posted I am almost speechless
.

FOJN · 15/11/2021 07:44

this is one not think some

gamerchick · 15/11/2021 07:47

What you need is some ready comebacks. You won't get anywhere with HR. Going on a mission to hunt him down won't make you look any better.

Yes it's shit when men do this, but you deal with it head on and if they ramp it up, then maybe take it further.