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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Random-man comments

234 replies

OldieButaGoodie · 15/11/2021 05:40

Wish me luck - I'm going to HR when I get into work tomorrow about a man who works for the same Company, but I don't know him and never had a conversation with him. The other day in the office, I was in the open-plan kitchen which is a bit of a thoroughfare and I was pouring myself a glass of iced coffee from a container I bought in from home. Minding my own business and he pipes up, as he's walking past "you shouldn't be drinking that - you should be drinking green tea".. FFS mate, didn't ask for, and don't care about, your opinion! Angry

I know this topic has been mentioned before, where random men think it's ok to comment on what women are eating/drinking/wearing/etc etc etc. No, it's not.

I've had to scroll through the staff list photos to work out who he is, but it was so fleeting, that I'm going on the hunt tomorrow to ensure it's who I think it is. If it's this dickhead, he's old enough to know better than to speak to women like that - and we work in the public sector and this stuff is drummed into us all the time.

He picked the wrong person to insult - and I'm waiting for the excuses - - - you took it the wrong way - - - you don't have a sense of humour - - - I didn't mean anything by it - - - and yeah, none of them is going to cut it with me. He insulted me and there's no changing it with pissy excuses.

So, I suppose I'm not really asking if I'm being unreasonable..Grin

OP posts:
SarahJeffers341 · 15/11/2021 19:01

I assume this is a joke? Was waiting for some actual offensive remarks! Get a grip!!

ginandbearit · 15/11/2021 19:09

"A second on the lips and an inch on the hips " said to me by a nice lady in our staff kitchen as I troughed a bag of cheese and onion crisps...well I was a bit of a chubster then...should have got her fired for that I suppose . What a miserable world you live in op.

DerektheGoose · 15/11/2021 19:28

Arf at human remains department

Tillymintpolo · 15/11/2021 19:34

What a silly thread

Abhannmor · 15/11/2021 19:43

@DerektheGoose

Arf at human remains department
A friend used to call HR that. Usually consisting of 3 or 4 nosebags trying to justify their existence she reckoned.
0blio · 15/11/2021 19:50

@LettertoHermoine

You are a mad scone.
I can't disagree with this but the OP will probably take offence and report us to MNHQ.

Just have a moan to your colleagues OP, like the rest of us do!

KatherineJaneway · 15/11/2021 20:44

@OldieButaGoodie

We’ll, looks like I’ve been told I’ve got it wrong. Advice taken.
Yup
CecilieRose · 15/11/2021 21:13

@DillonPanthersTexas

Normal social interactions' in your world are completely inane, pointless comments and statements of the obvious uttered by people to fill silence, which have no real benefit whatsoever?

It is usually inane 'pointless' small talk that breaks the ice between strangers in the workplace that allow friendships.to develop.

Are you Vulcan?

No, I just couldn't imagine starting a conversation by going 'ooh, coffee today, is it?' or pointing out that smoking is bad for you.
PinkSyCo · 15/11/2021 21:48

He was wrong. I think you should try drinking mint or chamomile tea. It might help you calm the fuck down. Confused

CantHaveTooMuchChocolate · 15/11/2021 23:56

@PinkSyCo

He was wrong. I think you should try drinking mint or chamomile tea. It might help you calm the fuck down. Confused
Grin
Courtier · 15/11/2021 23:56

Erm... not sure that warrants HR.

isthismylifenow · 16/11/2021 03:53

@PinkSyCo

He was wrong. I think you should try drinking mint or chamomile tea. It might help you calm the fuck down. Confused
😂
BirdyBirdyTweetTweet · 16/11/2021 06:51

You need to address it with him direct. Or wait till he's at the kitchen and remark on his choice.

supremelybaffled · 16/11/2021 13:44

[quote sillysmiles]**@supremelybaffled* . and it would have offended me too.*

I get how it's annoying, but how is it offensive?[/quote]
Commenting on what you are eating or drinking is often a snide dig meaning that they think you need to lose weight. I would be offended by that.

RockinHorseShit · 16/11/2021 15:10

Commenting on what you are eating or drinking is often a snide dig meaning that they think you need to lose weight. I would be offended by that.

No, unless someone has form for being an out & out bitch,then all that means is that you have a chip on your shoulder

MollysDolly · 16/11/2021 15:17

@RockinHorseShit

Commenting on what you are eating or drinking is often a snide dig meaning that they think you need to lose weight. I would be offended by that.

No, unless someone has form for being an out & out bitch,then all that means is that you have a chip on your shoulder

Absolutely.

We went for Sunday lunch this week, and as DH walked in he saw this chaps huge plate of roast beef and said "corrr look at all that". Because he was hungry and wanted the same. The chap heard him, looked up and grinned. I think he's ok, and not requiring counseling. Hmm

By the (minority, thankfully) comments on this thread, DH was clearly commenting on a big plate of food to fat shame the guy, or stating he clearly couldn't make the "correct" choice to eat a smaller portion, as an adult. Because, you know, DH is a man and therefore all his comments are meant that way.

Pascal80 · 16/11/2021 17:21

What's wrong with you?

CecilieRose · 16/11/2021 17:52

@MollysDolly yes because making a clearly positive comment about how good the food looks when walking into a place for Sunday lunch is JUST the same as making a snide disapproving comment about a stranger's drink in the workplace and telling them what to do.

I swear to God, how can you honestly not see that these are two completely different situations?!?

MollysDolly · 16/11/2021 18:24

@CecilieRose

And can you not see that you and OP (even OP has now realised how ridiculous she was being and not gone to HR) are in the 1% who even think it was a snide comment, "telling" her what to do.

I appreciate you have said you are autistic (my son also has additional needs) and perhaps this is why the reasoning you have, is so very clear to you, regarding this. My son also has a very literal way of looking at things. This isn't too be taken literally. It's a pointless, meaningless, throwaway comment that no one else would have even acknowledged, let alone got so offended they thought they should involve HR. You only need to read the thread, to see the overwhelming response as to how this is perceived by 99% of posters. Perhaps with that in mind, continuing to argue isn't getting your point across. Very few of us even think there is a "point" to have.

5128gap · 16/11/2021 18:38

[quote CecilieRose]@MollysDolly yes because making a clearly positive comment about how good the food looks when walking into a place for Sunday lunch is JUST the same as making a snide disapproving comment about a stranger's drink in the workplace and telling them what to do.

I swear to God, how can you honestly not see that these are two completely different situations?!?[/quote]
But its not a clearly positive comment about the food is it? 'Look at all that' is a comment on the amount of food on the man's plate. So if your argument is that comments about food could trigger someone with an eating disorder, why is that one ok and the other not?

CecilieRose · 16/11/2021 19:04

@5128gap oh come on, don't be so fucking disingenuous.

The man grinned because it was clearly said in a positive way, as evidenced by the 'coor' and the fact he was also there to have the bloody Sunday lunch! A comparison to the OP would be if he'd said to the man directly "you shouldn't be eating that, you should be having a salad." Would he have grinned then?

CecilieRose · 16/11/2021 19:11

[quote MollysDolly]@CecilieRose

And can you not see that you and OP (even OP has now realised how ridiculous she was being and not gone to HR) are in the 1% who even think it was a snide comment, "telling" her what to do.

I appreciate you have said you are autistic (my son also has additional needs) and perhaps this is why the reasoning you have, is so very clear to you, regarding this. My son also has a very literal way of looking at things. This isn't too be taken literally. It's a pointless, meaningless, throwaway comment that no one else would have even acknowledged, let alone got so offended they thought they should involve HR. You only need to read the thread, to see the overwhelming response as to how this is perceived by 99% of posters. Perhaps with that in mind, continuing to argue isn't getting your point across. Very few of us even think there is a "point" to have.[/quote]
It is a snide comment, and it's not at all the same as the one in your example. I'm sorry you can't see the difference in context between a man in a restaurant going for a Sunday lunch commenting on the food in a positive tone and a man telling a woman at work she shouldn't be drinking iced coffee, but there is a very clear difference. Funny you should mention autism because this is actually a situation about nuance, and you're completely oblivious to it.

An equivalent action to what happened in the OP would have been if your husband were a vegan and he'd looked at the man's plate with a disgusted face and told him in a serious tone that he should be eating salad, not that crap. Would the fella have smiled then, or would he have told your husband to fuck off and mind his own business?

5128gap · 16/11/2021 19:28

[quote CecilieRose]@5128gap oh come on, don't be so fucking disingenuous.

The man grinned because it was clearly said in a positive way, as evidenced by the 'coor' and the fact he was also there to have the bloody Sunday lunch! A comparison to the OP would be if he'd said to the man directly "you shouldn't be eating that, you should be having a salad." Would he have grinned then?[/quote]
I am not being disingenuous. As a person who has struggled with disordered eating, I find the interpretation of the green tea comment as weight related to be a reach. Iced coffee is not hugely caloric. I'd see this as a green tea is better for you than a caffienated drink comment. However when I was badly struggling, if someone had looked at my plate and commented on the of food, I would have been unable to eat it. That's not for a moment saying the PPs H was wrong. I wouldn't see it as the responsibility of strangers to police themselves over every innocuous remark, because of my very specific circumstances.

CecilieRose · 16/11/2021 19:56

@5128gap But that's not even the point. It's not the place of a random man to tell a woman what she should or shouldn't be drinking, especially in the workplace! It's paternalistic and frankly weird. Men would make comments like that to me all the time when I was in my early twenties and I wouldn't tolerate it now. I wouldn't go to HR but I'd ask him to kindly mind his own business.

5128gap · 16/11/2021 20:00

[quote CecilieRose]@5128gap But that's not even the point. It's not the place of a random man to tell a woman what she should or shouldn't be drinking, especially in the workplace! It's paternalistic and frankly weird. Men would make comments like that to me all the time when I was in my early twenties and I wouldn't tolerate it now. I wouldn't go to HR but I'd ask him to kindly mind his own business.[/quote]
Yes, and so would i if I was offended as that's the proportionate adult response.

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