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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man not reading messages

203 replies

HildegardeCrowe · 15/11/2021 05:05

Have started seeing someone, early days but going swimmingly. He’s attentive and thoughtful, really seems to like me, had a few lovely dates and made further plans etc. However I sent him a couple of WhatsApp messages yesterday around 6pm and he was online all night and last seen on WhatsApp at around 2am and he hasn’t even bothered to read them (I can tell from the ticks they were successfully delivered but not read). AIBU to be pissed off? Or am I over-reacting (I’m good at that!).

OP posts:
pictish · 15/11/2021 21:14

@BertramLacey

I got ignored for 5 hours on Saturday. Could see he was online so I sent 👍 and was told not to start.

This is why I turn off instant messaging for some people and make sure they can't see whether I'm online or not. They can be a close friend, a relative, someone I'm in a relationship with. I can love them very much but not want them to know whether or not I'm online right now and think that therefore I should be available to them. I have work, friends, relatives, hobbies, I would like to decide how I divide up my time. I don't love someone less if I think 'okay, I'll ping you a message later, I'm in the middle of this right now'.

I do find it incredibly invasive of my personal space to have someone monitoring whether I'm online or not and then demand attention accordingly. Fortunately my OH wouldn't know WhatsApp if it bit him and doesn't have a Facebook account. He's been known not to respond to my texts at all, if he thinks they don't need a response. I do the same thing. It wouldn't suit everybody but for the two of us it's much more relaxed than going on the warpath because someone's seen your message and somehow been so 'rude' as to not message back within whatever given timeframe it is that they have in their heads, but one that seems to be measured in minutes rather than days or hours. It's exhausting.

Yep to all of this.
RedFlagsAllOver · 15/11/2021 21:33

@BertramLacey

I got ignored for 5 hours on Saturday. Could see he was online so I sent 👍 and was told not to start.

This is why I turn off instant messaging for some people and make sure they can't see whether I'm online or not. They can be a close friend, a relative, someone I'm in a relationship with. I can love them very much but not want them to know whether or not I'm online right now and think that therefore I should be available to them. I have work, friends, relatives, hobbies, I would like to decide how I divide up my time. I don't love someone less if I think 'okay, I'll ping you a message later, I'm in the middle of this right now'.

I do find it incredibly invasive of my personal space to have someone monitoring whether I'm online or not and then demand attention accordingly. Fortunately my OH wouldn't know WhatsApp if it bit him and doesn't have a Facebook account. He's been known not to respond to my texts at all, if he thinks they don't need a response. I do the same thing. It wouldn't suit everybody but for the two of us it's much more relaxed than going on the warpath because someone's seen your message and somehow been so 'rude' as to not message back within whatever given timeframe it is that they have in their heads, but one that seems to be measured in minutes rather than days or hours. It's exhausting.

It annoyed me though because if it had been the other way round and I ignored him all day he would have said something.
girlmom21 · 16/11/2021 07:18

@RedFlagsAllOver does your username refer to yourself?

Unhomme · 16/11/2021 07:28

@HildegardeCrowe

I think messaging is a really important part of dating and I know I’m pissed off! I definitely won’t bin him over this but if it carries on I think I’d have to call him to tell him I’m messaging him but he’s not reading them.

I think you're coming across as really needy and hard work.

Don't get passive aggressive and don't start testing him. That way will lie you being single forever.

If you really need to know if he's read your messages, add a need to reply by giving options ('what time is best for the film' etc). But don't stew because of blue ticks. That's mad.

Of course, he might also be starting to ghost you cos he can sense you're a bit high maintenance!

jelly79 · 16/11/2021 07:30

That last message is crap! Sounds like he is just appeasing himself and ghosting you. Rubbish.

I wouldn't respond :(

Unhomme · 16/11/2021 07:32

@HildegardeCrowe

I got a “hope you’ve had a good day” message a while ago, no thanks for booking the cinema tickets or asking to meet up. So agree he probs isn’t that into me and that’s fine and will go to see film with a mate

In the space of a day you've sabotaged your new relationship yourself. Bizarre behaviour is there in your mirror.

icedancerlenny · 16/11/2021 07:44

It’s no wonder online dating is so hard! There’s nothing much to say is there? The cinema tickets aren’t for tonight so there’s no rush to worry about those. He’ll think you’re mad if you arrange to go with a friend after you discussed it with him then told him you bought the tickets.

lololololollll · 16/11/2021 07:50

I don't think it's needy. I've never been on the dating scene but wouldn't think twice about asking my husband if he got my messages. Sometimes I can't be arsed reading his fully as I'm busy and when he asks I say, shit sorry I totally meant to go back to that, and that's true. Obvs a few dates is slightly different but if he's just a flakey texter he will admit that now so you can get used to it

lololololollll · 16/11/2021 08:03

Ooh missed that update. Awks

Lovelymincepies · 16/11/2021 08:13

I think you are expecting way too much from an older man via text.

Calm down ffs!

Reply to his text or don’t but he hasn’t really done anything wrong

Chubbycatt · 16/11/2021 08:13

I hate that it's socially acceptable to have an expectation of reply when sending a message. some people: don't like messaging, find it draining to message. Enjoy messaging but would rather reply when they have head space to.

Sometimes people are online: for a specific group chat or to deal with something that's more consuming

I think it's even a bit controlling to expect a reply. You can control when you message someone but you can not control when people reply.

Derbee · 16/11/2021 08:20

@HildegardeCrowe

I got a “hope you’ve had a good day” message a while ago, no thanks for booking the cinema tickets or asking to meet up. So agree he probs isn’t that into me and that’s fine and will go to see film with a mate 😊
Very strange. You’ve sabotaged your new relationship by seeing everything he says/doesn’t say or does/doesn’t do in the worst light possible.

You’ve allowed a load of randomers on the internet to whip you up into a frenzy that has resulted in you deciding he doesn’t like you, is ungrateful for the cinema tickets, and you’ve cancelled your plans and will take a friend instead. It’s all so unnecessary.

Thefuturestory · 16/11/2021 08:29

She hasn’t actually done that though @Derbee she said she was seeing what the next few days bring.

Derbee · 16/11/2021 08:33

@Thefuturestory she actually has done exactly that. You’ve clearly missed the latest update

no thanks for booking the cinema tickets or asking to meet up. So agree he probs isn’t that into me and that’s fine and will go to see film with a mate

Thefuturestory · 16/11/2021 08:33

I went out with a guy once. He wouldn’t reply to important stuff. Anything which he didn’t have a gain from. When I challenged him he said it’s not a requirement to respond. I was like really even after 48 hrs?! to stuff such as Tells me about his day. Asks How are you . I reply to his day and then say something like Today has been a bit testing to be honest …. Tell him some stuff. Then nothing.

He was a selfish insular man. Funnily enough he’s now back at home pushing 50 and single.

Smiler79 · 16/11/2021 08:48

@Derbee it’s rude of him not to reply to the original message. Does he want to go to the cinema? A thank you would be nice. Like he never bothered to even read ops message properly. She’s right to take a friend and may be he’ll be a bit more responsive next time

PooWillyNameChange · 16/11/2021 10:03

@HildegardeCrowe

I got a “hope you’ve had a good day” message a while ago, no thanks for booking the cinema tickets or asking to meet up. So agree he probs isn’t that into me and that’s fine and will go to see film with a mate 😊
Am I the only one that thinks this is a big overreaction? Maybe he's not that into messaging, or doesn't want to look too keen. I hate all these games. Why don't people just say 'are you ok? Haven't heard from you in a while?' if they want more messages?!
RainbowTomte · 16/11/2021 11:07

I think it's rude not to reply to messages from someone you are in a relationship with, who's made plans for you. It's up to you if you're happy with his level of contact or not. Alternatively, maybe he's not that into you. Hard to tell. I like a guy to not leave me wondering. Can't be doing with this nonsense.

Avaynia · 16/11/2021 11:50

@BertramLacey

I got ignored for 5 hours on Saturday. Could see he was online so I sent 👍 and was told not to start.

This is why I turn off instant messaging for some people and make sure they can't see whether I'm online or not. They can be a close friend, a relative, someone I'm in a relationship with. I can love them very much but not want them to know whether or not I'm online right now and think that therefore I should be available to them. I have work, friends, relatives, hobbies, I would like to decide how I divide up my time. I don't love someone less if I think 'okay, I'll ping you a message later, I'm in the middle of this right now'.

I do find it incredibly invasive of my personal space to have someone monitoring whether I'm online or not and then demand attention accordingly. Fortunately my OH wouldn't know WhatsApp if it bit him and doesn't have a Facebook account. He's been known not to respond to my texts at all, if he thinks they don't need a response. I do the same thing. It wouldn't suit everybody but for the two of us it's much more relaxed than going on the warpath because someone's seen your message and somehow been so 'rude' as to not message back within whatever given timeframe it is that they have in their heads, but one that seems to be measured in minutes rather than days or hours. It's exhausting.

Agreed. The expectation that we’re available to people 24/7 just because they can contact us whenever they want is a very annoying downside of unlimited texting/messaging.
Excited101 · 16/11/2021 11:51

I’ve done more than my fair share of online dating, he’s just not that into you op. Someone keen will be keen, it’s that simple.

SweeneyPlodd · 16/11/2021 13:13

This reply has been deleted

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KosherDill · 16/11/2021 14:08

@RainbowTomte

I think it's rude not to reply to messages from someone you are in a relationship with, who's made plans for you. It's up to you if you're happy with his level of contact or not. Alternatively, maybe he's not that into you. Hard to tell. I like a guy to not leave me wondering. Can't be doing with this nonsense.
A few dates is not "in a relationship."
Justgorgeous · 16/11/2021 14:58

Has anyone suggested you ring him?? Is that really old fashioned these days? 🤷‍♀️

shamalidacdak · 16/11/2021 15:34

@Excited101

I’ve done more than my fair share of online dating, he’s just not that into you op. Someone keen will be keen, it’s that simple.
Yep absolutely this I'm afraid. When a guy is into you he hangs on your every word. This guy is a non starter
Teddicus · 16/11/2021 16:19

Come on, not every relationship develops in exactly the same way. The initial intensity can feel great – then a bit scary. Sometimes things need to cool a bit before you know how you really feel. Someone backing off very slightly doesn't necessarily mean they've lost interest. It might mean they're taking a slight breather to work out how they feel. It might mean they've got something else on their mind (a person is allowed a life outside the new relationship, right?). It might mean they're worried about seeming too keen and they don't want to mess things up.
You'll soon know have more of an idea of what it does mean or how you feel about him, but it's a bit OTT to judge someone for failing to get back instantly or in the manner you hoped for. Wait and see what develops...