New man not reading messages

[HildegardeCrowe]

Have started seeing someone, early days but going swimmingly. He’s attentive and thoughtful, really seems to like me, had a few lovely dates and made further plans etc. However I sent him a couple of WhatsApp messages yesterday around 6pm and he was online all night and last seen on WhatsApp at around 2am and he hasn’t even bothered to read them (I can tell from the ticks they were successfully delivered but not read). AIBU to be pissed off? Or am I over-reacting (I’m good at that!).

Good idea to step back from this, OP. Looks like he's waving a red flag at you from way over there!

If he messages you now, I would reply something cheerful like, "sorry, you snooze you lose! Going with someone else now. See you around." Don't give him any emotional ammo, just walk away with your head held high.

You are right to step back.

In the world of dating, I don't think you're overthinking it at all. When I was on the dating scene a few years ago, this was always (literally always) a sign that they weren't really into it.

Do not message him again, he was online all night and blatantly ignored you. Let him come to you and stop being available for a bit. Men like the chase. (Serial tester who has learnt from her clingy mistakes right here)

And other posters. I was old recently and this is a huge 'he's not that into you right now' flag. Step right back.

So sorry I had to rtft.
Popped round with flowed and then blanks you about cinema tickets? This sounds like emotionally manipulative behavior and I would keep watching out for red flags, step back and not be emotionally invested at all.

I don’t understand why telling him you’ve booked cinema tickets needs an urgent reply. If you were both really into text conversations, and needed the same level of reassurance etc he could have written straight back, and you could have back and forthed for a while. But I think this would be exhausting to keep up for long

@beastlyslumber

Good idea to step back from this, OP. Looks like he's waving a red flag at you from way over there!

If he messages you now, I would reply something cheerful like, "sorry, you snooze you lose! Going with someone else now. See you around." Don't give him any emotional ammo, just walk away with your head held high.

😂😂 after 12 hours without a reply? Insane

This is a really interesting dilemma, I can't imagine attaching any weight at all to how and when a bloke texts me back, but then I've never done Internet dating and I can't say there's ever been a digital component to any of my long term relationships. I'm not saying you're wrong to be bothered, it's just interesting to me that there's a whole other dimension to relationships now, that I've never really had to think of.

Do couples who get together these days ever have conversations about their digital expectations, in the same way you suss out each others values and attitudes to say.. splitting the bill, sex on the first date etc? Do you feel you could start a conversation with him OP where you're coming from a place of genuine curiosity and ask him about his online life, what's his take on messaging etc?

@Chenga

I dunno, OP. Whilst I am firmly in the crowd of “I’ll answer my messages when I’m ready” etc, in my extensive experience of dating, if someone likes you, they’ll answer as soon as they can. If he was online all night and chose not to answer you then that doesn’t bode well. Sorry OP.

They've only dated a few times; is he supposed to immediately start revolving his life around their communications?

Maybe he wanted to focus on whatever else he was doing. Tbh I'd respect that more than I would a desperate man who lunges at every minor message like a starving dog. He has a life.

Some people don't enjoy messaging and instantaneous communication.

@beastlyslumber

Good idea to step back from this, OP. Looks like he's waving a red flag at you from way over there!

If he messages you now, I would reply something cheerful like, "sorry, you snooze you lose! Going with someone else now. See you around." Don't give him any emotional ammo, just walk away with your head held high.

Please don’t do this, OP.

@rrhuth

You can't say anything, it sounds ridiculous! He's within his rights not to reply straight away, and you'll just embarrass yourself if you tell him you're obsessing about whether he's read your messages.

This is the bit where you work out if someone is right for you, not the bit where you try to change what people do.

Excellent points.

Are you both really young? I’m not sure being forced to respond to messages within a few hours/day sounds like much fun. I would only consider this a very important part of the relationship if it was actually at full relationship stage. If only informally dating I would expect the other person to be going about living their day to day life.

As others have said there could be a million reasons why he might appear online but not be able to reply straight away.

Just see what happens over the next day or so. Anything could have happened. He could be dealing with a bereavement or something or yeah he could be chatting to other women. Or maybe he thought if he messaged you back at 2 it might wake you or lead to you both getting no sleep. Chill and get on with your life and just see if he contacts you nor not.

He's a player. If he's online all night he's talking to other women. Avoid like the plague

I agree, sorry OP.

No we’re both really old @Tilltheend99! Late 50s and probs really out of practice.

Being older and male, my view is messages are mainly useful if you don't want to chat and just want to give/receive info. I send texts to people confirming appointments, checking what people want, etc.
I always say to people that if they want to discuss things, ring. If I want to say something complex, eg Saturday is looking like it's going to be nice, do you fancy going to a National Trust place for a cream tea or have you got other plans? I find it much more convenient to have a verbal conversation. I find it excessively tedious tapping away, back and forth, back and forth, just to get that answered. Maybe it is just me though.

@happinessischocolate

Early stage dating is supposed to be fun and no-strings.

It is, but funnily enough it stops being fun when suddenly they're not replying to you.

He's not allowed an evening to himself without being stalked?

Agree with those who say I'd run if a man I barely knew demanded instant response & tracked my online moves. After a handful of dates?

@beastlyslumber

Good idea to step back from this, OP. Looks like he's waving a red flag at you from way over there!

If he messages you now, I would reply something cheerful like, "sorry, you snooze you lose! Going with someone else now. See you around." Don't give him any emotional ammo, just walk away with your head held high.

That sounds childish and spiteful.

am going to step back very far indeed

Waiting for him to reply now is good. But next time you talk you don’t have to be an ice queen to him in stepping ‘very far back’ though. That’s an anxiety/ defensive I’m-leaving-you-before-you-leave-me in response to your anxiety about him not immediately replying.

There’s a lot of understandable anxiety in being vulnerable. The answer is not putting that on him though. You can still be happy to see / talk to him etc but just also busy with your own fulfilling work and life seeing friends and family.

Yes the start of a relationship should be the excited to make plans time. However the reality is also that it can be full of crossed signals. Maybe he’s on dating sites, maybe he’s helping a suicidal friend, maybe gaming. Maybe there was a delay in your WhatsApp texts. You don’t know. Arrange to do something nice with a friend and be calm and relax.

I understand you obsessing over this but it’s such a waste of energy.
There are many reasons he didn’t reply. Ime if a man is interested, they don’t mess about. Saying that, one evening of not responding isn’t a big deal. Don’t write him off and definitely don’t send a message asking why he’s not reading your messages, breezy schmeezy.

Having met a lot of players this would be a red flag to me. But, I also don’t get so invested early on - i see every man I date as someone who could potentially hurt me until he proves otherwise. It’s just my safety mechanism. I would be extremely put off by someone who was online at 2am - unless he had friends in another time zone this would mean me backing off to the extent of closing my emotional and trust doors completely.

He could have you on archived. So messages are hid unless he types in your name. Only reason for doing this is so someone with him at times can't see your name or messages.
Not good.

There was a recent thread similar to this one a few days ago. The OP had had a few dates ,and was getting along well and suddenly radio silence!TBH if a guy is really into you he wont ignore any messages ! I would leave a few days and if he still hasnt replied as you say go with a chum instead!

Oh I hate dating for exactly this reason, and WhatsApp!

For me generally if they go from keen and responsive to ignoring messages it’s always ended up dead in the water. I wouldn’t message again or mention it.

Hope I’m wrong.

If he suddenly stops contact at 6pm, it could be because he is at home with his wife.