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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man not reading messages

203 replies

HildegardeCrowe · 15/11/2021 05:05

Have started seeing someone, early days but going swimmingly. He’s attentive and thoughtful, really seems to like me, had a few lovely dates and made further plans etc. However I sent him a couple of WhatsApp messages yesterday around 6pm and he was online all night and last seen on WhatsApp at around 2am and he hasn’t even bothered to read them (I can tell from the ticks they were successfully delivered but not read). AIBU to be pissed off? Or am I over-reacting (I’m good at that!).

OP posts:
BertramLacey · 15/11/2021 09:12

I think messaging is a really important part of dating and I know I’m pissed off! I definitely won’t bin him over this but if it carries on I think I’d have to call him to tell him I’m messaging him but he’s not reading them.

If someone I'd been dating for a month called me and commented that he'd messaged and queried the speed at which I was reading what he'd sent I'd be very, very wary. Back when I was doing OLD I had a few men get the hump that I didn't reply instantaneously to things they'd sent and my response was just to block them.

You can't dictate how he responds to you and I'd hate someone trying that with me. That said, at this point you sound rather more interested and invested than he is and if I were you I'd just take a step back. You seem to see this as the start of something quite intense whereas he probably thinks you're someone he's been on a few dates with and he's not, currently, sure how it might pan out.

DottyHarmer · 15/11/2021 09:15

How do you know if someone’s online? Confused

IslaInthesun · 15/11/2021 09:16

He's seen them OP.

Just wait a bit. Thanks

Triffid1 · 15/11/2021 09:18

Have only read your posts but I sympathise. DH does this all the time and it drives me BATTY. However, in his defence, it's because he's on about 50 WhatsApp groups for work that are very high volume so it's not unusual for him to have loads of unread messages and for messages from me to have dropped down the list so that he actually doesn't realise that he's got anything from me. I have an issue with Signal because it feels like what conspiracy theorists use but keep meaning to find an alternative app for messaging between him and me because it drives me so mad.

proopher · 15/11/2021 09:20

@DottyHarmer

How do you know if someone’s online? Confused
It says 'online' at the top and then 'last seen at...' when they are offline.
Brainstorm21 · 15/11/2021 09:21

OP. I say this kindly. Ignore all the ludicrous advice you've been given. Stop catastrophising about small things. There are a million reasons why someone wouldn't read your message immediately none of which include any of the ludicrous scenarios painted here.

Do you like him? Does he treat you well? Is he respectful in person and in messages?

Make decisions with data and if this is the only negative you can find you're doing pretty well!

gettingolderbutcooler · 15/11/2021 09:25

I'm sorry but he's just not that into you.

Jennifer2r · 15/11/2021 09:33

I recently went on a few lovely dates with a man and he sent me a WhatsApp to say "hi, how's your day going". I had a busy day and read it but didn't reply.

6 hours later he sent me another message to say "rude of you not to reply".

Massive red flag and I sent him a message and then blocked him instantly. People don't owe you their time at all.

gannett · 15/11/2021 09:45

@Jennifer2r

I recently went on a few lovely dates with a man and he sent me a WhatsApp to say "hi, how's your day going". I had a busy day and read it but didn't reply.

6 hours later he sent me another message to say "rude of you not to reply".

Massive red flag and I sent him a message and then blocked him instantly. People don't owe you their time at all.

Totally agree.

Absolutely bizarre to me that so many people monitor whether someone's online or not, and if so feel entitled to their attention right then and there, as if there's nothing else they could possibly be online for.

Nextlevelnonsense · 15/11/2021 09:52

I had the most insane text message shenanigans whilst dating my ex-h.
Both of us were playing games, because we thought the other was playing games.
It started with a genuine reason for delayed response, ended up with horrible overthinking on both sides.

When we finally discussed it, it seemed ridiculous. Because it was.

Take people on face value. Reply when you want. Don't play games in response to guesswork.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 15/11/2021 09:54

I reply to messages at my own leisure/convenience, maybe he's the same.

TokyoDreaming · 15/11/2021 09:57

He doesn't owe it to you to respond in your timeframe.

If you pull him up on it hopefully he'll see it as a red flag and he'll bin you off.

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 15/11/2021 10:20

Really appreciate all the different views! I think I’m spending too much time thinking about this and need to get back to my busy life and see if he messages me. I won’t say I’m not a bit peeved but maybe it’s a good thing because it means I’ll step back.

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/11/2021 10:26

You’re being obsessive. Much better to give time to reply. I often don’t reply straight away because I’m considering my reply. I also often notice message too late to reply so might have read but not replied.

sansucre · 15/11/2021 10:35

@Brainstorm21

OP. I say this kindly. Ignore all the ludicrous advice you've been given. Stop catastrophising about small things. There are a million reasons why someone wouldn't read your message immediately none of which include any of the ludicrous scenarios painted here.

Do you like him? Does he treat you well? Is he respectful in person and in messages?

Make decisions with data and if this is the only negative you can find you're doing pretty well!

This
wobblywinelover · 15/11/2021 10:43

I wouldn't worry about it too much as a one off but if he has form for doing this then I'd be definitely considering putting an end to things. He may have just been busy, or he may enjoy the feeling of leaving you dangling for a while but you won't know until you see him again. I'd definitely cool it your side in case he thinks you're being too intense. Just keep busy and try not to think about it too much, and definitely don't chase him up on it. Be casual when you next see him, don't jump on his messages straight away, take a deep breath and try to relax. See what happens

52andblue · 15/11/2021 11:07

@purplesequins - thank you x

beastlyslumber · 15/11/2021 13:37

Why is it "insane" or "childish and spiteful" to not pursue a relationship with someone who ignores you? My suggestion was to back away and if he does turn up again, to send a lighthearted text letting him know he's too late. Or are women supposed to wait around until the man deigns to get in touch, and then be grateful for his attention? Fuck that.

Raise your standards, people.

Lanareyrey · 15/11/2021 13:57

Chatting to other women, sorry OP.

SexyNeckbeard · 15/11/2021 14:10

@beastlyslumber

Why is it "insane" or "childish and spiteful" to not pursue a relationship with someone who ignores you? My suggestion was to back away and if he does turn up again, to send a lighthearted text letting him know he's too late. Or are women supposed to wait around until the man deigns to get in touch, and then be grateful for his attention? Fuck that.

Raise your standards, people.

Yes after only a few hours of him not responding - overnight too. Your suggestion was batshit given the information so far in this thread
KosherDill · 15/11/2021 14:19

@beastlyslumber

Why is it "insane" or "childish and spiteful" to not pursue a relationship with someone who ignores you? My suggestion was to back away and if he does turn up again, to send a lighthearted text letting him know he's too late. Or are women supposed to wait around until the man deigns to get in touch, and then be grateful for his attention? Fuck that.

Raise your standards, people.

After one day? "You snooze you lose!"

That's just batshit. Presumably he's a normal adult with job, family, friends that occupy a fair amount of his time and mental energy.

A few dates don't merit 24/7 instantaneous response. Tbh I wouldn't want someone that available as it would seem he has little else in his life and might turn out to be needy or clingy.

The monitoring of his online presence is of more concern.

samesign · 15/11/2021 14:24

I would block him and move on, he's online most of the night but you're obviously not his first choice also a bit rude of him to ignore you.
Find another date

beastlyslumber · 15/11/2021 14:24

Nah @SexyNeckbeard if you are into someone you respond to messages. He's messing OP around with his flowers one minute and ignoring the next. And she's upset enough to need advice about it. So no, it's not batshit to walk away from that. It's wise.

If he turns up again at some point, a good-humoured message would be a nice way for OP to let him know that she's not into him. No point getting angry or giving him any emotional ammo to play with.

beastlyslumber · 15/11/2021 14:27

After one day? "You snooze you lose!"

Yep. How long do you wait around for someone who's supposed to be into you to answer a message? How long does it take to say "great, see you then"? He's clearly not into her, so why is she supposed to sit there waiting for his text? Find a man who likes you and doesn't mess you about instead of hanging on like some kind of desperado for someone who isn't bothered.

kimsbb · 15/11/2021 14:35

I hate this. It's just rude especially if he was on line. I wouldn't do anything for the time being and wait to see when he responds and what he says.

It's not the actions of someone who is keen that's for sure.