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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man not reading messages

203 replies

HildegardeCrowe · 15/11/2021 05:05

Have started seeing someone, early days but going swimmingly. He’s attentive and thoughtful, really seems to like me, had a few lovely dates and made further plans etc. However I sent him a couple of WhatsApp messages yesterday around 6pm and he was online all night and last seen on WhatsApp at around 2am and he hasn’t even bothered to read them (I can tell from the ticks they were successfully delivered but not read). AIBU to be pissed off? Or am I over-reacting (I’m good at that!).

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2021 07:12

This seems like such an overreaction to two messages not being replied to. Is this really all that’s happened to make you doubt his intentions?

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 15/11/2021 07:14

How do I turn the last seen function off @Divamuffin? Def taking a step back but I’m already put off my someone who can be online all night and was last seen at 2am and who can’t be bothered to read my messages after seeming so keen.?

OP posts:
SavageBeauty73 · 15/11/2021 07:14

Don't reply. Lean right back.

FourteenSixteenTwentyTwo · 15/11/2021 07:14

I don’t think YABU. I think a lot of posters have forgotten that excited rush to be in touch in the early days. 6pm last night, online and no acknowledge/reply is unusual I’d say when/if you are that excited early stage of thinking about the other person. I had one of these ‘attentive’ men who I dated for a while, but wouldn’t read or would leave me on read - suffice to say he wasn’t that into me.

I won’t say anything though at this stage. I’d wait for now as it hasn’t even been 24 hours, but I definitely do think it’s unusual for a month in.

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 15/11/2021 07:15

Yes it is @PurpleDaisies. Is I a drama queen?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 15/11/2021 07:17

Maybe he didn’t open the message because it was 2am and he didn’t want to reply then and so didn’t open it?

PurpleDaisies · 15/11/2021 07:18

@HildegardeCrowe

Yes it is *@PurpleDaisies*. Is I a drama queen?
Sorry, but yes.

Unless the content of those messages is different to what I’ve understood, there wasn’t a reason for an urgent reply and people are allowed to not have to reply immediately.

Sidge · 15/11/2021 07:21

Online all evening and last seen at 0200?

Yeah he’s messaging other women I expect. Did you meet online dating? IME he’s keeping his options open.

Sorry.

Divamuffin · 15/11/2021 07:22

@HildegardeCrowe

WhatsApp > settings > account > privacy > last seen > change to nobody

Ignore people, you aren’t being dramatic. Did you meet online? The harsh (sorry) reality is that he is probably speaking to multiple women at the same time. How old is he if you don’t mind me asking?

thepeopleversuswork · 15/11/2021 07:23

@HildegardeCrowe

Well we agreed that I’d message him about meeting up early in the week so I might breezingly say something like “ I’m not sure if you’re getting my messages....” I think messaging is a really important part of dating and I know I’m pissed off! I definitely won’t bin him over this but if it carries on I think I’d have to call him to tell him I’m messaging him but he’s not reading them.
That will sound quite needy and a bit controlling, and will probably have him running for the hills.

I think you are overthinking this massively and it will show.

I wonder if you are ready for dating tbh: you seem very over invested. It only really works if you are in control and at this point you shouldn’t be making him feel is being watched.

You may be right that he’s not that bothered, but all the more reason in this case not to project neediness.

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 15/11/2021 07:23

No we didn’t meet online. I’ve known him as an acquaintance for a couple of years (dog walking) and he asked me out recently. Definitely stepping back.

OP posts:
cookiemonster2468 · 15/11/2021 07:24

@Dragonfire282

I actually think it's really rude not to reply to a message if you've seen it and been on WhatsApp until 2am. He's got time at 2am to be on there, it takes seconds to type out 'lovely thankyou, looking forward to it' especially if someone's gone to the trouble of booking something for you.

ThorsLeftNut you shouldn't need a break from someone you've just started dating and he obviously doesn't need a break if he's on there at 2am.

Do not text him again OP.

See I think this is really presumptuous.

No one knows why he was on there at 2am. It could have been a family thing, he could have been supporting a friend who was struggling, it could have been literally anything and he might well not have been in the frame of mind to do flirty messages with someone he's only met a few times.

I hate it when people make these assumptions and is why I have my whatsapp set on maximum privacy.

She's only been on a couple of dates with him, he's not obligated to respond in a certain time frame and he has a life outside of those few dates.

AttaGirrrrl · 15/11/2021 07:24

I’m totally on the fence with this one. On the one hand, it’s rude not to reply. Even a quick “I’m over at my mum’s. Will reply tomorrow” would be more polite. On the other, I used to hate it when my ex would say things like “well, I could see you were online…”

Have you had the ‘exclusive’ chat yet?

SomeFineDay · 15/11/2021 07:25

A lot of men aren’t really big on punctuality with messages (WhatsApp, text - whatever). It doesn’t seem to come naturally to them.

cookiemonster2468 · 15/11/2021 07:27

@HildegardeCrowe

How do I turn the last seen function off *@Divamuffin*? Def taking a step back but I’m already put off my someone who can be online all night and was last seen at 2am and who can’t be bothered to read my messages after seeming so keen.?
You are reading way too much into this.
Trixiefirecracker · 15/11/2021 07:27

@HildegardeCrowe I’m often ‘online’ but working from my phone in the evenings sometimes. Could it be that or that he was out maybe with friends and didn’t have time to answer. Don’t jump to the worst conclusion. Does he text you? Maybe it’s just not his thing. His actions so far seem pretty keen apart from this one blip.

Original poster
HildegardeCrowe · 15/11/2021 07:28

Yes I do acknowledge that I’m over-invested @thepeopleversuswork. I have so much going on in my life right now and wonder why I’m getting so het up! I do agree though with the posters who say it’s not a good sign (especially after the flowers etc) and am going to step back very far indeed.

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 15/11/2021 07:30

Well we agreed that I’d message him

In my experience when the conversation is manipulated so that it ends with "you are going to message them" they're experienced players.

In any normal relationship/friendship it's left open that you'll both be in touch soon.

violetanemone · 15/11/2021 07:30

@AttaGirrrrl

I’m totally on the fence with this one. On the one hand, it’s rude not to reply. Even a quick “I’m over at my mum’s. Will reply tomorrow” would be more polite. On the other, I used to hate it when my ex would say things like “well, I could see you were online…”

Have you had the ‘exclusive’ chat yet?

She's been on "a few dates" with him.

It sounds like they're not even officially an item yet, so I don't know why he'd have to tell her where he is/ why he's not giving her an immediate reply.

Seems way too early for any of this to me. If someone behaved this way with me - being so demanding/ needy about messages - I would run for the hills. Early stage dating is supposed to be fun and no-strings.

Lovelymincepies · 15/11/2021 07:30

Have you literally been stalking him on WhatsApp since yesterday???
You sound extremely needy to be up all night doing that and then messaging on here about it!
You need to calm down and go do something else instead of constantly checking if he’s online.

happinessischocolate · 15/11/2021 07:33

Early stage dating is supposed to be fun and no-strings.

It is, but funnily enough it stops being fun when suddenly they're not replying to you.

thepeopleversuswork · 15/11/2021 07:34

Step back for yourself, not in am attempt to send him any kind of message.

It just sounds like you need to do a bit of work on your confidence and your sense of your own value.

If he is interested and decent he will respond.

U2HasTheEdge · 15/11/2021 07:38

@Chenga

I dunno, OP. Whilst I am firmly in the crowd of “I’ll answer my messages when I’m ready” etc, in my extensive experience of dating, if someone likes you, they’ll answer as soon as they can. If he was online all night and chose not to answer you then that doesn’t bode well. Sorry OP.
This.

I don't have extensive experience of dating, but this is true in the experience I do have and that of friends.

Even my husband who hates messaging and barely looked at his phone before meeting me answered any text messages as soon as he could because he wanted to be in contact with me.

I have never known anyone not to text back ASAP if they really like someone in the initial stages of dating- and if he has been online all night he had the opportunity to.

clartins · 15/11/2021 07:38

Easier said than done but stop checking, if it’s not important don’t worry about it and if it is important call.

Steelesauce · 15/11/2021 07:39

Do not message him again, he was online all night and blatantly ignored you. Let him come to you and stop being available for a bit. Men like the chase. (Serial tester who has learnt from her clingy mistakes right here)

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