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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New man not reading messages

203 replies

HildegardeCrowe · 15/11/2021 05:05

Have started seeing someone, early days but going swimmingly. He’s attentive and thoughtful, really seems to like me, had a few lovely dates and made further plans etc. However I sent him a couple of WhatsApp messages yesterday around 6pm and he was online all night and last seen on WhatsApp at around 2am and he hasn’t even bothered to read them (I can tell from the ticks they were successfully delivered but not read). AIBU to be pissed off? Or am I over-reacting (I’m good at that!).

OP posts:

Tilltheend99 · 15/11/2021 08:12

Ok, you are getting a few pieces of absolutely terrible advice on here.

Op imagine the scenario this way:

You tell us that you met up with the new guy you were dating briefly in the morning. Later that day he sent you a few messages about booking cinema tickets but you didn’t reply for one of a billion reasons but let’s say for arguments sake to had your bf over for a movie night but you had to keep an eye on your work chat because you might need to cover person x on Monday. The guy you are dating demands to know why you ignored his messages all night when he could see you were online and threatens to ditch you and says you have missed out. You come on here and write your op.

90% of people tell you he is full of red flags excepting you to be at his beck and call all day and keeping tabs on what you do.

Smiler79 · 15/11/2021 08:12

It’s either game playing or he’s messaging another woman probably ( I know you didn’t meet him online but do you know if he’s done it before?) either way you asked two seconds to read and drop you a quick text no matter how busy he is.
Don’t chase/ message anymore. Pull right back and let him do all the work for a while

Northernsoullover · 15/11/2021 08:18

@Chenga

I dunno, OP. Whilst I am firmly in the crowd of “I’ll answer my messages when I’m ready” etc, in my extensive experience of dating, if someone likes you, they’ll answer as soon as they can. If he was online all night and chose not to answer you then that doesn’t bode well. Sorry OP.

This. If he really likes you.. he'll be replying ASAP.

bofski14 · 15/11/2021 08:22

I'm sure he's shown interest to your initially, but to leave you hanging and not bother to reply tells you everything. He's keeping his options open I'm afraid. Don't message him again and don't respond withing a flash if he finally gets in touch. I highly recommend the book "He's Just Not That Into You". It taught me some harsh lessons I needed to hear when I got back into dating. The bottom line is, when it's right - there are no mixed messages.

Tilltheend99 · 15/11/2021 08:22

@HildegardeCrowe fair enough. Maybe he just isn’t into messaging or is less tech savvy than you think or doesn’t have the same expectations of communication as you which you could discuss a little further along in the relationship. Maybe your right that there is some negative reason for not replying but I would give it at least another day first. Not sure how you could check if he was married without the whole thing becoming a bit obsessive. If you like him just give the relationship a little more time to grow organically, if you have been in two minds maybe this is the ‘out’ you were looking for. Although I would be a bit miffed if I read a message about booking cinema tickets and then got dumped lol

Katieandthekids · 15/11/2021 08:23

Has he replied OP? I personally wouldn't worry yet and go about my day. I've been married to my husband 5 years and he's always been shit and short on messaging me but chats away to his mates on WhatsApp. He is the most loving caring hubby and daddy.

Katieandthekids · 15/11/2021 08:24

All this worry between 2am and 6am he probably assumed you were asleep and was chatting to a mate

Derbee · 15/11/2021 08:26

If he messages you now, I would reply something cheerful like, "sorry, you snooze you lose! Going with someone else now. See you around

Jesus, this might be the most bizarre piece of advice I’ve ever seen on here. Please don’t do this, it’s so weird 😂

Howareyouflower · 15/11/2021 08:36

Your situation is probably just a man/woman difference thing. Read this. www.jokesend.com/the_difference_between_men_and_women.htm

hoomama · 15/11/2021 08:39

If he can't be arsed to message back so early on in the relationship then I think it's quite telling.

I wouldn't bother to message him again. Wait for him to text and see where it goes. I wouldn't ask him about it but I would see what his behaviour is like over the next week or so.

If he carries on like this I would call it a day.

DarlingFell · 15/11/2021 08:39

@PurpleDaisies

This seems really needy. Chances are he read the messages when they popped up on the screen but it didn’t register because he hadn’t clicked on them.

What would you actually say to him?

No it does not! What a weird thing to say, nothing needy about what the OP has said whatsoever

52andblue · 15/11/2021 08:43

@purplesequins - how do you change the Messenger' app to not show when messages are read please ??
OP - I wouldn't 'bring it up' - it does sound a bit full on at this stage, sorry x

purplesequins · 15/11/2021 08:47

@52andblue

settings-account-privacy-read receipts

TeenyQueen · 15/11/2021 08:54

I was once ghosted by a man I'd been seeing for over a month. We'd had amazing dates, really got on and he seemed to really fancy me. All of a sudden he stopped messaging and at that point I should have just let it go, stupidly I sent him several messages and probably came across as being a bit desperate (I've learnt from that mistake). Moral of the story is that if he's interested in seeing you he will get in touch. You've sent him two messages, leave it at that and if you don't hear from him you know he's not into you. It sucks but at least you won't have to waste more time and energy on him.

DrierThanANunsNasty · 15/11/2021 08:58

I agree with @Tilltheend99

When we do something ‘wrong’ we put it into context. Oh I didn’t reply because I had X, Y and Z going on.

But when someone else does something ‘wrong’ we tend to assume it’s part of their character. He didn’t reply because he’s a terrible person, a player, etc.

If he had form for it, or if it continues, then yes it would be part of his character. For now though, just wait to hear what the context is - as PPs have said, there could be a million reasons he’s online but not texting.

Ignore those saying it’s a huge red flag or to text him saying snooze you lose (please don’t do that), until you have the full picture.

Canigooutyet · 15/11/2021 09:00

You sound incredibly needy.
You saw him yesterday, had a chat about booking cinema tickets for the end of the month, instantly booked and let him know.
At some point during the week messages will be sent about this weekend and you're already fretting.

Slow down with the messages. You don't need to reply instantly.
You don't need to make bookings so far in advance. You could have done this next week for the end of the month.

And unless WhatsApp has recently changed as soon as you click onto the message, it shows as you are typing a message or similar.

If using pc WhatsApp it shows you as being online. I deleted that and changed various settings as some needy person felt I owed them my time because I was online. And yes, the person was also deleted from my life.

PinnyPencher3 · 15/11/2021 09:03

Is this a classic men are from Mars thing; he is acting a bit strange, pulling away as if on elastic and the woman is advised to back off and see if he bounces back or the elastic breaks and he’s gone forever…
What a load of sexist crap that was. But regardless of gender, he’ll be back If he wants to, try to focus yourself on other stuff and wait and see.
If he doesn’t then it’s like that other book said - he’s just not that into you

gannett · 15/11/2021 09:04

I don't get why people fixate on someone being online. I am online ALL THE TIME because these days everything seems to require being online, whether it's for fun or life admin.

I have an outstanding message to reply to from last week, and I want to do this when I have the bandwidth to concentrate and send something thoughtful. In the meantime I have been online to order prescriptions through an app, listen to music on Spotify, reply to more casual messages, read the news, send a zillion work emails and messages, and plenty more besides.

Being online means that someone is busy! Not necessarily free to devote their attention to you!

esloquehay · 15/11/2021 09:06

No. You'll sound like a bunny boiler.

needtogetfit21 · 15/11/2021 09:06

I would've expected a reply OP, ime men that do this, like the women who play hard to get and are players themselves. It wasn't for me.

Saying that you are in in your 50's - i wouldn't expect this sort of behaviour from that age group so there really could've been a genuine reason. Wait it out. If it happens again then back off completely.

Nowomenaroundeh · 15/11/2021 09:06

@PingedPotato

Just carry on with your life and see how you feel if/when he messages

Exactly.

You don't know him, he's not that important. Don't tell him what to do, it's not breezy, its mad. Know your own standards. He either meets them or he doesn't.

girlmom21 · 15/11/2021 09:07

Ignore the people saying he was chatting to other women.

How many times did you check whether he was online through the night? If you checked regularly, he was probably chatting to friends.
If you looked this morning and it said "last online at" he might have got up for a wee and seen a message from a work colleague saying they'd be off sick or something that he wanted to acknowledge.

Quite often I miss notifications for messages because I'm already on WhatsApp so the messages don't pop up the same way, or I'll mean to read a message later and forget about it.

Of course it's easy to respond to a quick text but I'm guessing your texts were a bit more detailed and require an extensive response.

It also sounds like he's around my dads age and he hates messaging even though he'll use WhatsApp to send daft cat videos so it could also be that.

FinallyHere · 15/11/2021 09:08

I think messaging is a really important part of dating and I know I’m pissed off!

Have you had any conversation with him about his expectations, and told him so he is clear about your expectations?

BlueTouchPaper · 15/11/2021 09:09

My DH, who is similar age to OP always looks like he's online because he never closes WhatsApp when he sends a message. Just puts his phone down and carries on watching telly or whatever. It's so annoying if I'm trying to message him. And then he doesn't look at his phone again for hours so I have to ring him. He's very tech savvy because it's his job! Could be something like that?

5128gap · 15/11/2021 09:11

Seriously, who knows what people do, why they do it or what it means? The only thing you can do is respond to the behaviour in front of you, so if you don't think they're doing something right, tell them, or bin them. The same with all the deliberating about what to do next. Do what you want to, message or wait. Ime if a man is really into you, you can pretty much do as you please in the early stages and they will stay interested. They don't go off you for sending a message when its not your turn.

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