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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to want another baby at 45

239 replies

Mushroomlover · 10/11/2021 20:18

We have two DC aged 16 and 13. About 10 years ago DH and I had a talk about whether we wanted any more. He said he was happy to do whatever I wanted and I said what I thought at the time, which is that I was very happy with two.

However for the last year I have found myself longing for another baby. I'm struggling to know whether this is really what I want or just a response to a sort of early-onset empty nest syndrome I've been feeling (my DC are still at home, than goodness, but I'm really aware that they won't be forever). I also don't have any sense of what my odds would be of getting pregnant at this age. I'm in good health (bit overweight but can diet) and no signs of perimenopause. Is there any way I can check my fertility?

Wondered whether anyone had been through this?

OP posts:
driftcompatible · 10/11/2021 20:20

You can get a fertility MOT that checks FSH, AMH etc. A lot of women 45 and over often need to consider egg or embryo donation.

bonfireheart · 10/11/2021 20:21

With any decision like this I find sitting down and why down thoughts help

  • why its good idea to have baby 3
  • why it's not a good idea to have baby 3
Use this to decide, using head more than heart.

Your age
The age gaps
How baby would fit in with work...family...lifestyle...size of house...finances
How old you would be when child left school
Your general health - physical n mental
Hubby on board?
Both DC on board?

MopaniTree · 10/11/2021 20:24

My children are similar ages and I know what you mean about the empty nest feeling. I also have a yearning for another baby, but then I think about the reality of going back to all of that and I think I'm just too tired now! I think at 45 it may be a lot more difficult to conceive than it would have been when you had your two.
Only you know your own personal circumstances and how you would cope with a baby and two teenagers.

GoodnightGrandma · 10/11/2021 20:28

I got a real longing for another child early/mid 40’s, along with a massive increase in my sex drive. I think it was Mother Nature trying to sneak in one more.
But I’m glad I didn’t now. There’s a big difference between your 40’s and 50’s physically , you start to see the decline.
You need to really think about whether this is you actually wanting another child, or whether it’s Mother Nature.

GoodnightGrandma · 10/11/2021 20:29

And consider if the baby/child would have a bigger chance of difficulties, and how that would affect your family.

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 10/11/2021 20:30

Get a puppy or a kitten instead.

BlackberrySky · 10/11/2021 20:31

Personally, I think that would be insane. It's your hormones talking. It would be like starting a new family with such a big age gap, not to mention the risk of complications in pregnancy and birth at your age (I am also your age so not being rude there!).

reallifegetsintheway2 · 10/11/2021 20:32

I have 2 kids the same age as you. No friggin way would I go back to the baby stage. A few more years they will at uni - more time to travel etc. A few more years you will probably be perimenpausal and potentially with a toddler - no way!

SirVixofVixHall · 10/11/2021 20:32

I had my last baby at 43 and got pregnant the first night we tried so you may be fine, if you want another why not try and leave it up to fate ?

Neurodiversitydoctor · 10/11/2021 20:34

I could have written your post OP. But honestly at my age ? Considering egg donation? No thanks. Also teenagers are pretty good at giving you sleepiness nights, I can't imagine doing both...

Neurodiversitydoctor · 10/11/2021 20:35

I am your age too

TillyDevon · 10/11/2021 20:36

This is lovely as I have similarly aged DC and pregnant unexpectedly aged 42, so it’s cheered me you might even plan it. I was so surprised it still feels very surreal as never ever expected to have more; and it feels an adjustment for our DC to get their heads round.
However I’m incredibly excited as like you was beginning to really feel the fact our DC would (quite rightly) want to be independent at some stage! dh and I have absolutely loved every stage with them and still do.

I’m nervous how i will cope In terms of energy but this is not age-related and more health-related as I’ve had struggles with chronic fatigue which is better than it used to be. I think the age gap is a lot easier than 3 close together as the emotional needs of our older two have been met so consistently and easily , while I’ve always worried with 3 I’d find it hard to do that.

It’s hard to know whether you’d conceive easily but I certainly did and despite the first two taking years/ infertility treatment with one. So you just never know.
Bear in mind at 45 I saw a statistic of a high chance of twins as it’s affected by hormone levels (it might be 16% chance if what I read was correct?! )

TuftyMarmoset · 10/11/2021 20:39

Do you really want a 14 /15yo when you're 60?

Nyxly · 10/11/2021 20:41

My oldest is 17 and my youngest is 11. I am 40 and honestly I would say no. My oldest is applying for uni next year and in the last 6 months she has need My support far more than she did for the few years before

I wouldn't want to be helping her, being there for the middle one AND having a small baby or undergoing tests and or fertility treatment.

Also, this may not impact you, but my career would really stagnate if I took another break in my 40s for more kids.

TopCatsTopHat · 10/11/2021 20:41

I got chills reading your post. If you go ahead op you're a better woman than I, the thought of going right back to the beginning and only getting freedom from responsibility back in your mid 60's. 😱😱😱 But we're all different.

GCmiddle · 10/11/2021 20:42

I'm nearly 60 with a 14 year old and it's fine!

santabetterwashhishands · 10/11/2021 20:43

I had another baby when my others were 18 and 9 ( fertility problems between these too so huge gap).
I was 41 and it's a lot harder third time around,also they have nothing in common so it's like having an only child as the others are independent and don't need me lol.
I wouldn't be without her but I wouldn't recommend as you will always feel the same every time the youngest starts to gain independence x

pregnantorkebab · 10/11/2021 20:43

Honestly no offence meant OP, but in my opinion that is too old...it sounds like you have a wonderful family as it is.

My son is growing up all too quickly, but I know if I had another baby they would also grow up just as quickly!!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/11/2021 20:48

You’re 45. You might be 46 or 47 when you have a baby. There is a risk for you and the baby. If you both come out of it unscathed, you may - you may not, sleepless nights, lugging a tantruming toddler around - have the energy for a newborn and toddler in your late 40’s but are you really wanting to parent a 14 year old at 60? Running around at 62/63 doing teenage pick ups, coping with exam angst, sex angst, drinking and drugs angst. As well as being there for your now adult dc.

I think you’d be mad. Can you tell?

Goldi321 · 10/11/2021 20:50

It’s the hormones speaking OP. Think of your other 2, they’ll be studying for GCSEs and A levels with a newborn. Start planning for your freedom instead!

TwoDogs9 · 10/11/2021 20:53

I had my first DS at 39 and just had my second at 43. I’ve never been broody in my life but moments after giving birth to DS2 I was desperate to do it all again despite my age and having a difficult pregnancy this time round. It’s taken me by surprise but I’ve decided to let fate take its course and what will be will be. If your DH is on board I’d say go for it.

Amberflames · 10/11/2021 20:55

Isn’t this a well known hormonal surge just prior to menopause?

You don’t actually want a baby OP. It’s just your age.

Watchingyou2sleezes · 10/11/2021 20:56

You'd be at least 62 when they were 16, the siblings would be 32 and 29.
Completely unnecessary.

Poppets14 · 10/11/2021 20:56

My opinion- your too old

Sorry it’s harsh- my mum had me at 40. Its very challenging having an older parent. I think it affected me mentally so much!
She’s 75 now and needs so much help which is hard when I’ve got a young child to look after.
I had to grow up fast!

Grenlei · 10/11/2021 21:02

It's simple biology that as you approach menopause, there's an inbuilt evolutionary response that makes you want to have one last roll of the dice.

I felt similarly in my early/ mid 40s. After I met DP at 42, we talked about it and decided that we probably wouldn't be ready to take that step for another 3-4 years, and that 46 was probably too late. Plus when it came down to it, neither of us desperately wanted another child. Would like one, yes. But desperate yearning, no.

I had a couple of friends who tried for a much wanted first child in their 40s and sadly were unsuccessful, and suffered several early losses along the way which was very traumatic, and seeing how painful it was for them was another factor against.

That said, I always planned to have 1 more child. I never meant for my youngest child (now 20!) to be my last. Had I not met DP when I did (I was at the point of giving up on dating and men entirely), it's possible I might have tried to get pregnant by donor, it was something I had considered (and another couple I knew had done successfully). But would I have regretted it? Almost certainly yes if the outcome had been anything less than optimum. I know that I would not have been able to cope with a child with any form of additional needs. It could have turned out wonderfully; equally I may have been filled with regret.

Part of me will always wish I'd had that last child in my 30s, that I'd met DP sooner. But things turn out as they turn out and for all that I would have liked one more child overall I think I made the right decision for me, for my relationship and of course also for the children I already have.

And of course none of us knows how fertile we are in our 40s. My grandmother and her mother both had children in their 40s, but who knows if my eggs had not long since withered?.