...to want another baby at 45

[Mushroomlover]

We have two DC aged 16 and 13. About 10 years ago DH and I had a talk about whether we wanted any more. He said he was happy to do whatever I wanted and I said what I thought at the time, which is that I was very happy with two.

However for the last year I have found myself longing for another baby. I'm struggling to know whether this is really what I want or just a response to a sort of early-onset empty nest syndrome I've been feeling (my DC are still at home, than goodness, but I'm really aware that they won't be forever). I also don't have any sense of what my odds would be of getting pregnant at this age. I'm in good health (bit overweight but can diet) and no signs of perimenopause. Is there any way I can check my fertility?

Wondered whether anyone had been through this?

I do think YABU as you already have 2 children.

@user1471462428

My two friends who were in their 40’s when they had their babies would have claimed they loved it then but it is a very different matter 10 years on. Both have started having health problems, both struggle to keep up with pre teen boys who want to play football, ride bikes and go climbing. They worry about the future and paying for university. My ex mil had an accidental pregnancy in her forties and she has struggled with her physical and mental health ever since, gestational diabetes turned into type 2 diabetes and the sleepless night coincided with menopause which has left her unable to sleep 20 years on.

I have a friend who was the first one in one of my social groups to have children in her 20s. She ended up with gestational diabetes then type 2 diabetes. She has a family history of type 2 diabetes.

I also have a family history of type 2 diabetes. I had my baby when I was 43. I didn't have gestational diabetes and I haven't got type 2.

Since my 20s - before my friend had her children- I knew I had to keep active and keep my weight under control.

Thanks so much, everyone. Thank you especially to people who shared their experiences of difficulties and tragedies- I really appreciate you sharing something so personal.

Very interesting to see how many people have experienced this and that it might be a hormonal response to approaching menopause. That definitely puts my feelings into a bit of context.

I know a lot of older mums (including mums with children the same age as mine who are 60+) and I'm not worried at all about people thinking I'm a granny . I'm also in quite a good position practically in terms of finances and space etc but obviously that's a minor issue compared to the major issue of actual ability to have a baby. My DC would love it, at least in theory (they may not enjoy the practicalities so much but at least they'd start from a position of positivity).

Lots to think about so thank you. I'll have a chat with DH. I think it's unlikely I'd want any sort of intervention so it may be that it's so unlikely to happen as not to be worth much thinking about.

@0nlyMe

I felt the same way, a little younger than yourself but kids similar age. I was discussing this with dh who was dead against it, listing all the cons pp have said. My heart would say go for it but head said definitely don’t. I wasn’t looking at it through rose tinted lenses, that’s for sure. But then…number 3 came along anyway. I do now regret having a third (I was lax with contraception thinking whatever is meant to happen, will happen). It’s a massive adjustment having no time to do anything for myself. Marriage on the rocks. Second special needs dc pretty much neglected. Fed, bathed, but doesn’t get any extra time from me.

Wow! Did your husband know you were being lax with contraception? Did you give him the opportunity to figure out more reliable contraception for himself? If not, that was an immensely selfish move on your part. No wonder your marriage is on the rocks.

@TuftyMarmoset

Do you really want a 14 /15yo when you're 60?

This is the kicker for me. Having a baby at 45 - not ideal - but okay women have always had babies in their mid-40s and they managed. But what about as that DC grows up - how do you and your DH feel about going through GCSEs and A Levels again when you're in your 60s? What about funding university when you're that age? What about your plans for retirement? Do you and your DH want to travel, downsize, retire early? You'll be child-rearing long into your 'grandparent' years, so is that what you want - to have a DC in your home, needing your financial, practical and emotional support until you're at least 65?

JudgmentalCactus agree! Wow, imagine playing fast and loose with your dh's life against his clear expressed wishes. What an abuse of trust.

I was that baby. My kids are having to deal with the reality of very old grandparents meaning my time is torn between two sets of caring responsibilities. My older parents had no connection with younger parents at school. They didn't encourage friendships or do playdates or classes because it was all too exhausting. In short it sucked and still sucks. Multigenerational suckage

@Megalameg

There’s nothing crazy about this at all. If you weren’t meant to be able to have kids at 45 then you wouldn’t be able to have a baby at 45. Yes the chances of difficulties increases but they’re still not that high.

If you really are dead set on it I’d give it a shot and see what happens. Since you are 45, if you do have difficulty conceiving, I’d just accept it isn’t meant to be as you probably don’t have time for lengthy methods of intervention anyway.

This is a case of 'just because you CAN do something, that doesn't necessarily mean you SHOULD.

Female humans are able to physically have babies as soon as they start to menstruate. Some girls start at 9 or 10.

So if you think that because nature dictates it's OK to have a baby at 45, (because we are still producing our last few eggs, and we are able to have a baby,) then I can only surmise that you think it's OK for girls to have babies at the age of 9 or 10, because it IS possible if a girl has started her period.

Human females are able to get pregnant at 9 or 10 if their periods have started, so surely it's OK to have babies at 9 or 10 then yes?

As I said, just because you CAN do something, that doesn't necessarily think you SHOULD.

So if you think that because nature dictates it's OK to have a baby at 45, (because we are still producing our last few eggs, and we are able to have a baby,) then I can only surmise that you think it's OK for girls to have babies at the age of 9 or 10, because it IS possible if a girl has started her period

Wtf one of these is not like the other …

If you weren’t meant to be able to have kids at 45 then you wouldn’t be able to have a baby at 45.

Wow, this is beyond stupid!
Should girls aged 9 or 10 have babies just because they started menstruating too?!

@UsedUpUsername

So if you think that because nature dictates it's OK to have a baby at 45, (because we are still producing our last few eggs, and we are able to have a baby,) then I can only surmise that you think it's OK for girls to have babies at the age of 9 or 10, because it IS possible if a girl has started her period

Wtf one of these is not like the other …

No, that's exactly what that argument amounts to. That if it's naturally possible then it's perfectly OK. Which is immensely stupid.

@JudgementalCactus

If you weren’t meant to be able to have kids at 45 then you wouldn’t be able to have a baby at 45.

Wow, this is beyond stupid!
Should girls aged 9 or 10 have babies just because they started menstruating too?!

EXACTLY what I said. And of course the situations would be different as a pp said, but if we are talking about NATURE here, then why not have babies at 9 or 10 too, because NATURE DICTATES it? If we can have them at 45, then theoretically, we should be able to have them at 9 or 10..

What I (and you) said, is no more dumb or daft that than what @Megalameg said.

EXACTLY what I said. And of course the situations would be different as a pp said, but if we are talking about NATURE here, then why not have babies at 9 or 10 too, because NATURE DICTATES it? If we can have them at 45, then theoretically, we should be able to have them at 9 or 10

A woman deciding at age 45 that she wants a baby is not the same thing. Nature still allows it in some cases, unlike with, say, a post-menopausal woman.

Why would you compare this to child sexual abuse where there is no agency?

@LittleDandelionClock

Way to compare Mothers in their 40’s to victims of child abuse. Real classy.

Many women in their 40’s have raised healthy happy babies all throughout history and in the present. Calm down.

My friend/colleague had two children in her 40s. Her last conceived at 45 - she was 46 when she gave birth.

She had three daughters already (same husband) youngest was 18 yrs. She had another daughter at 43 and then a son. The older girls had gone to universities and did not return home to stay.

She's 67 - all her children have left home, they are all very successful education/careers and now she is childminding several primary school aged grandchildren. Her family have kept her young and fit. She is a remarkable lady - she absolutely adores her family life. She retired this year - we worked at the same primary school for years.

I think those people moaning about the planet and reducing family size to 1 child are the ones taking several long haul flights a year/having massive carbon footprints.

My friend has never been abroad and she's really proud of that. Always holidays within the UK.

[quote Megalameg]@LittleDandelionClock

Way to compare Mothers in their 40’s to victims of child abuse. Real classy.

Many women in their 40’s have raised healthy happy babies all throughout history and in the present. Calm down.[/quote]
But I mean... the way nature intended it to be and how it was for thousands of years is for women to be perpetually either pregnant or breast-feeding from the time they first start menstruating. Just because something is "natural" and possible doesn't make it right.

Therefore, nature allowing it doesn't automatically make it sensible. Which refutes your whole argument.

But I mean... the way nature intended it to be and how it was for thousands of years is for women to be perpetually either pregnant or breast-feeding from the time they first start menstruating. Just because something is "natural" and possible doesn't make it right

There’s no right or wrong with having a baby in your mid 40s. If you are able, then it’s a matter of personal choice. I think PP argument was that if nature still allows you to conceive, why not give it a go if your personal situation allows for it?

Why needlessly compare it to child sex abuse?

Why needlessly compare it to child sex abuse?

To show how weak an argument "but nature intends you to* is, obviously!

@JudgementalCactus

Why needlessly compare it to child sex abuse?

To show how weak an argument "but nature intends you to* is, obviously!

That’s not what she said.

Do you think there’s something wrong with a 45 year old woman having a baby?

This thread is well advanced now but I will add my message to the OP. I had my first at 32 and second at 37. I'm knackered. My son is still waking in the night at 3 and is having issues with his speech which means lots of running around with appointments as well as FT work/looking after other primary aged child (who isn't that demanding as a teenager). I think biology sometimes makes you want more babies, but it needs to work in your life. You might not get an easy baby either. Both of mine weren't, but the second is on another level!

What about your parents (haven't RFT, so sorry if you have addressed this). Mine could potentially start needing my help in about 10 years/maybe sooner. You might even have grandkids to think about too. My DH became a grandparent quite young unexpectedly. It happens.

Do you work FT OP? Holding down a FT job with a baby and teenagers is going to be hard.

I recommend getting a puppy or a cat. It might fill the void a bit.

I had a baby at nearly 45, 4 yr gap to my next. No different. Not more tired. I exercise a lot...probably knock out over 20,000 steps a day. I have 9 children living at home. 2 are adults. Teenagers, tweens etc. you're as old as you feel..except your fertility. I had no problem getting pregnant but had 3 miscarriages before conceiving my almost 1 yr old.

Assuming you are good parents it is 18 years at least of commitment. You will have a child/ preteen during your menopause. It would be a hard pass for me but each to their own.

I’m 45 and say no frigging way. Why would you go back to that?! I had my first and only at 38 and that was hard enough. Start a new hobby or endeavour with all your lovely free time.
I have also experienced crazy sex drive around ovulation and DH and I did discuss a second when DD started school (I was 43 and we decided against it).

My parents had a third when I was 17 and let me tell you, I definitely resent them for it. My teenage and university years (i lived at home for uni) were spent taking care of my sibling and I lacked a lot of support from my parents at the time.

I don't really have a relationship with them because I live away from them now, and it's very possible that they could lose both parents in their mid 30s. Think very carefully OP.

@NanaPorsche

My friend/colleague had two children in her 40s. Her last conceived at 45 - she was 46 when she gave birth.

She had three daughters already (same husband) youngest was 18 yrs. She had another daughter at 43 and then a son. The older girls had gone to universities and did not return home to stay.

She's 67 - all her children have left home, they are all very successful education/careers and now she is childminding several primary school aged grandchildren. Her family have kept her young and fit. She is a remarkable lady - she absolutely adores her family life. She retired this year - we worked at the same primary school for years.

I think those people moaning about the planet and reducing family size to 1 child are the ones taking several long haul flights a year/having massive carbon footprints.

My friend has never been abroad and she's really proud of that. Always holidays within the UK.

You have absolutely no reason for thinking that people who recognise that having children has a big environmental effect are those who fly long distance. That statement is nonsensical.