...to want another baby at 45

[Mushroomlover]

We have two DC aged 16 and 13. About 10 years ago DH and I had a talk about whether we wanted any more. He said he was happy to do whatever I wanted and I said what I thought at the time, which is that I was very happy with two.

However for the last year I have found myself longing for another baby. I'm struggling to know whether this is really what I want or just a response to a sort of early-onset empty nest syndrome I've been feeling (my DC are still at home, than goodness, but I'm really aware that they won't be forever). I also don't have any sense of what my odds would be of getting pregnant at this age. I'm in good health (bit overweight but can diet) and no signs of perimenopause. Is there any way I can check my fertility?

Wondered whether anyone had been through this?

I know this is not what you asked but…

If you have two natural sons and have been very happy does baby number 3 have to be ‘your’ baby or would you consider adoption or fostering? As an already experienced mum this could work out really well.

Depends uf you want to 'play' alot to as will ultimately be a kind of only child. Park on cold days. Getting up at 5am for years possibly as my child did and earlier

Potential disabilities, funding Uni as a new pensioner.

It could work but I don't think I could go back to sleepless nights, 5am starts etc. I like going out to but good luck if you do

I dreamt I was pregnant at about that age
I was so furious , I could only talk to DH in cross voice ( all his fault )
Luckily , it was only a dream for me
For you , have a good old think , maybe go for it naturally , see what happens

I felt the same way, a little younger than yourself but kids similar age. I was discussing this with dh who was dead against it, listing all the cons pp have said. My heart would say go for it but head said definitely don’t. I wasn’t looking at it through rose tinted lenses, that’s for sure. But then…number 3 came along anyway.
I do now regret having a third (I was lax with contraception thinking whatever is meant to happen, will happen). It’s a massive adjustment having no time to do anything for myself. Marriage on the rocks. Second special needs dc pretty much neglected. Fed, bathed, but doesn’t get any extra time from me.

God no. I’m 46. Look at current peri menopause thread on here it all goes downhill quickly.

Have a good think about it OP...also how you feel now at 45 will likely be not much different to how you felt at 35....however, how you feel at 55 will like be significantly different when you are post menopause. I’m 56 and have 3 adult children....this is my time.... I couldn’t imagine being the mother of an 11 year old.....I do the school, run once a week for my GD and that I feel very old.... but we are all different.....so I would respect your choice whatever you decide....there’s no right or wrong here...but you need to be very sure.

I’m just a wee bit older than you and there’s no fecking way I could do it again. But, I’ve got an adult child with a disability and whose unlikely to live independently. The thought of having another child who potentially needed so much care fills me with terror. Plus, your existing children are only in their early teens. I found the late teens by far the hardest stage, can you share your attention between them and a baby?

Sounds like you're nostalgic for your 30s..but not really a great reason to repeat it all again in your 50s and 60s. My parents are now 60 and couldn't imagine putting them through me at 15!

@Mushroomlover

100 million times NO. For sooooooo many reasons.45 is WAY too old to have a baby. No matter how many people come along and say their auntie Flo/their nan/their mates mom blah blah blah had their 2nd and 3rd babies at 46 and 49.

You know what all the MANY reasons are, to not have a baby at 45... They have been listed enough on the 50,000 threads on this subject already.

OP it’s natural to long for another baby now that yours aren’t little anymore. Babies are awesome! Also, if nature had her way, you would have had your first babies around age twenty and would have baby grandchildren by now. It isn’t natural for middle-aged women not to be around babies, and we feel this very strongly and sadly sometimes.

But, at 45, the chances of you conceiving naturally are incredibly low. Your eggs are also aged 45. Most women who give birth at that kind of age use someone else’s egg.

If you are seriously wanting to have a baby again then look into donor egg ivf asap. It costs about £10k for one try, usually takes 3 attempts to suceed, and at your age there is a significant risk that you would miscarry. Ie the chance of spending £30k on a lot of heartbreak is high. And a successful pregnancy would still put a lot of pressure on hip bones etc that are a bit old for the job they’re being asked to do. But it is an option.

Best of luck. xx

I am 50 and I couldn’t imagine having a toddler/school child now.
The achy joints and tiredness from peri are a killer, as is the lack of giving an F anymore.

With kindness and sympathy - you are off your rocker - or rather you are having a perimeno/early empty nest auto reaction - my babies are going! my eggs are going!! - I need to have another one quick!!!

Be kind to yourself re this being a tough life stage for you, embrace the stage you are actually at and your future rather than harking back to a season that has gone. Or distract yourself like fuck till this passes. Anyway don't have a baby, you are going to hate yourself in your early 50s when you are doing 6 year old b'day parties and are a bit broke instead of embracing your freedom and doing new things.

@EvenRosesHaveThorns

Sounds like you're nostalgic for your 30s..but not really a great reason to repeat it all again in your 50s and 60s. My parents are now 60 and couldn't imagine putting them through me at 15!

This. ^ Before the kid leaves uni, the OP will be a pensioner!

And imagine taking your kid to primary school when you're in your mid 50s1 Everyone will think she's the kid's granny.

Your age isn’t really an issue but I could t imagine my kids being finally grown up and I can start being my own person again to then start all over again.
I couldn’t be dealing with the sleepless nights and worry.

Have you thought about fostering?
You sound like a great mum and have a lot of love to give. It may also help you decide if you’re prepared to have another child.

I wouldn't, but I think it partly depends on your circumstances.
How big is your house? Will baby disturb teens sleep?
Are your teens easy so far? If your older child was struggling with anxiety, eating disorders etc, it would be even more difficult with a small baby.
In reality how supportive is your partner?
I get you want a baby, but do you want a teen when you're 60?

Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Don’t do it op. I honestly think you will regret it. Enjoy life, find out who you are as a person without the responsibility of small kids.

The likelihood of abnormalities are far higher so if you are ok with that and the impact of having a mentally or physically disabled child is something that you and your family would be ok with; and have the time, energy and resources to cope, then go for it.

@GoodnightGrandma

I am 50 and I couldn’t imagine having a toddler/school child now. The achy joints and tiredness from peri are a killer, as is the lack of giving an F anymore.

Same. Early 50s here. DD (mid 20s) left home 5-6 years ago, so it's just me and DH now (and the cat,) and although I would die for my daughter and I love her to bits and would never change a thing, I couldn't think of anything worse than having an infant in my 50s.

Also it's grossly unfair on the child.

My DF was in his mid-40s when I was born. When he hit 70 and PIL were still late 50s/early 60s I suddenly felt so wistful. He's wonderful and I just wish we had more time. I would put all your energy into your two DC.

Don’t do it, get a kitten.

Quite apart from the exhaustion, risk of abnormalities, etc, have you thought of the carbon footprint of an unnecessary extra child on an overpopulated planet already suffering from lethal global warming, OP?
Every extra child means another 54 tons of CO2 equivalent a year. It’s the single worst thing you can do, environmentally.

I had a baby at 45 but he was my first (only) and much wanted. I've managed fine but I knew there were risks and I'm honestly not sure whether I'd have gone ahead if I had already had children.

Only you and your dh can decide.

Any toddlers in your extended family or friend group OP, that might soon change your mind. Sleepless nights is the easy bit- teething whilst your other two are doing major exams, play dates because your older too are too old to “play”, being the oldest more experienced mum in soft play. Sounds like hell to me