...to want another baby at 45

[Mushroomlover]

We have two DC aged 16 and 13. About 10 years ago DH and I had a talk about whether we wanted any more. He said he was happy to do whatever I wanted and I said what I thought at the time, which is that I was very happy with two.

However for the last year I have found myself longing for another baby. I'm struggling to know whether this is really what I want or just a response to a sort of early-onset empty nest syndrome I've been feeling (my DC are still at home, than goodness, but I'm really aware that they won't be forever). I also don't have any sense of what my odds would be of getting pregnant at this age. I'm in good health (bit overweight but can diet) and no signs of perimenopause. Is there any way I can check my fertility?

Wondered whether anyone had been through this?

You are crazy. Don’t do it.Its rubbish that you won’t regret a new baby. Your dcs will be i dependent soon enough, enjoy them.

I think this is the point in life when many people get a puppy. It gives the maternal urge somewhere to go but is a slightly smaller commitment!

Another saying hormones.

Good lord can’t relate. I literally have nightmares about this am similar age 2 kids similar age. Enjoy your teens and your own life! Life is for living not just passing on. I loved the small children phase but would hate to go backwards. Would be like going back to university or working in the City. That chapter of your life is over.

Why not look into fostering or adoption?

You're too old.
Also how do your existing kids feel about a new baby in the house?

Just imagine it was twins. That's what I think of when I'm broody...

Enjoy your freedom! This is just crazy talk!

Gosh Blue4YOU that's a crushing weight for you to bear. My heart goes out to you and I hope you can get some better support and respite

We went through this a couple of years ago when I was 40 and our DCs were 10 and 7. We decided to go for it and try for a baby feeling that it would be just like the other easy conceptions and pregnancies.

Sadly, it all ended horribly for us and I regret not counting our blessings and just enjoying our two wonderful children.

I miscarried twins at 13 weeks at the beginning of lockdown then had two more (earlier) miscarriages. We accepted that it just wouldn’t happen and was probably due to my age. I feel so sad that my previously wonderful memories of pregnancy have now been tarnished by these crushing disappointments.

Sorry to be so negative but this was my experience.

@TheRosesAreInBloom

Oh god, no... honestly, just imagine, going through menopause, having a toddler and two teens doing gcses and a levels....shock

^^ 🙋🏻‍♀️ this is me 😃…….

50 with a toddler of 3, a 23, 18 and 16 year old. We are good, no mental breakdowns, the little one is the light of all our lives. I get tired yes but I also hold down a much more stressful job than the one I had before I had her.

You must be superwoman 💪 I was a Granny at 50....and that’s exhausting enough

I think you're too old.

I suspect this is a sign of perimenopause. Beware the 'last chance' hormone flood.

You are lucky to have two healthy children.
Be grateful for them.

Much as we would like to deny it, we grow older. Do you really want a baby, or to turn back the clock to when you were a younger mum? Think very hard

I had babies in my mid/late thirties, I'm now early forties with a toddler and as beautiful as she is, I wouldn't do it again, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It's only been a couple of years, I couldn't go back to the baby days again.

It's very difficult to have a baby naturally at 45, there's a high miscarriage rate and more chance of birth defects. Jules Oliver has tried to have a sixth baby at 46 and had several miscarriages after having no fertility issues when younger, making it likely that the losses are down to age. I had several losses in my early thirties, I have no idea how she keeps going at 46 when she already has a large family, it's such a painful experience.

I hate to say this, but I would not do this if you were me.

I had my four in my twenties. So when I was your age, I had similar feelings. It was almost like grieving that a life stage was about to end. One that seemed to stretch out forever when I had 4 under age 7, but suddenly it was like I had blinked and two DC were at uni, and the other two were teenagers! The house suddenly seemed less full of life. How could I be old enough to soon be a mother of adult children and it soon be just DH and I again? It seemed impossible. I wanted to slow time down. I also wasn’t in perimenopause or anything...so I did think...god my last chance of having a baby is now, the next few years. And I missed when the children were tiny, everyday I’d be off in la la land remembering things. So part of me did desperately want a final hurrah baby.

But then I got a reality check. A good friend of mine, a year older than I had a surprise unplanned pregnancy. She chose to keep the baby. Her grandson from her adult DD was born the month after this baby! She has said honestly to me that she regrets having the last baby. She did not realise how much harder it would be doing the baby stage all over again but much older AND with adult and teen child drama going on at the same time. And to be honest, going over and chatting with her with her new baby there playing with her grandson...it took the rose tinted glasses off.

I think it is a pre menopause thing as every woman I know who could have kids went through this in her mid 40's, me included!

One did have another and although she doesnt regret it exactly if she could go back I am sure she wouldnt have another. Her older ones are all mid teens ish and the little one is like an only. He needs a lot more attention than her older ones as they would play together whereas he can only play with her, which she obviously didnt factor in being used to have 3 in close age.

Also she has basically kissed her career goodbye despite keeping it going when her older kids where young because at (now) 50 she isnt taken at all seriously as the mother of a young child. Her younger colleagues in the same situation get a lot more understanding that she does, she feels that her employers are hoping she will take early retirement!

Jules Oliver is another example of women who get stuck in this sort of time zone, wanting to keep the young mum/baby years going. It's pretty selfish and weird to me.

@eurochick

I think this is the point in life when many people get a puppy. It gives the maternal urge somewhere to go but is a slightly smaller commitment!

A puppy is just like having a toddler on that one needs to have eyes in the back of one’s head and to anticipate what they might do.

But dogs are not child substitutes, more like furry companions.
But they need a lot of commitment and training or else they are a liability to other dogs and people.

Well trained dogs are a pleasure to be around.
Bratty ones are not.

@GCmiddle

I'm nearly 60 with a 14 year old and it's fine!

Ditto

I had a baby at 43, he is now 13 all good but consider the school run. I really hated the limitations of drop off and pick up had on my day and hated the whole playground chatting as well (to old for that shit). Fortunately he now is independent and can make his own way there and back .

@PiffleWiffleWoozle

Get a puppy or a kitten instead.

I was going to say this too!

How about looking into fostering instead ?

I had my last baby at nearly 45. Hes so gorgeous and I love him so much. The next one up is 3.5 years older.
I'm less energetic with my youngest but I think I'm still a good parent. I love every moment as he's definitely the last!
I started fairly late though at 35, fitted in 6 in 10 years 😊 so i never quite left baby stage - or at least preschool stage.