Page 4 | ...to want another baby at 45

Benjispruce5 · 10/11/2021 21:53

It’s not just a baby, it’s a teen and then a young adult when you’re 65 +

PoppyMonth · 10/11/2021 21:54

I have seen this in a couple of friends in their mid-forties. It might be the realisation of youth/fertility being over and having a last-ditch panic.

I'd be thinking very long and hard and facing up to reality. There's a reason why we don't generally have babies at this age.

Theunamedcat · 10/11/2021 21:55

I feel the same but crossing my legs as I know it would be a mistake

agedmother · 10/11/2021 21:56

The odds of successful natural pregnancy at 45 are slim due to declining egg quality, and risk of abnormalities and miscarriage are correspondingly high. Some people get lucky. The overwhelming majority don't succeed (without donor eggs). It's a brutal thing to attempt. Only you and your family will know whether you should roll the dice - some people need to feel they left no stone unturned at this stage of life. It's just that failed attempts and pregnancy loss come at quite a price in terms of personal health and wellbeing. Good luck whatever you decide.

me4real · 10/11/2021 21:56

At 45 a woman's childbearing years are considered completed by the ONS as they have very little chance of having any more (I'm 45 in a few months myself.)

You could discuss it with a private consultant I suppose.

I don't think you're wrong to want/have one, just that the chances of successfully conceiving and carrying to term are low.

Hankunamatata · 10/11/2021 21:56

Im glad dh had the snip as I got surges like this from age 40

Isabellabasil · 10/11/2021 21:56

I just wanted to reply factually to your question about the likelihood of falling pregnant. It's about 3% apparently, so not impossible but very unlikely. Even more sobering is the statistic about miscarriages at that age: the BMJ quotes the miscarriage risk to be around 50% at age 45.

I wish you luck in your decision and in whatever you decide x

23minutesfromTulseHill · 10/11/2021 21:57

God, no. YABVVU but it's not your fault, it's Mother Nature. Has a similar urge at your age - luckily, I'd got myself spayed a few years earlier
Hormones are unreliable narrators. Don't do it.

me4real · 10/11/2021 21:57

I had a moment of feeling broody the other day when I haven't for decades, so maybe it is a thing we sometimes get when we realize time is running out.

gukvguk · 10/11/2021 21:58

I'm a similar age and had a moment of wanting another... then I imagined still doing a school run at 57 and everyone thinking I was grandma...

SarahAndQuack · 10/11/2021 22:00

I don't think having a baby aged 45 is in the least unfair on a child, or silly, or anything like that.

What I (personally) would worry about most would be, how would you deal with the things that might happen. Despite the rhetoric about fertility falling off a cliff, it's not that uncommon for women over 40 or 45 to be perfectly well able to conceive. But miscarriage is common. Just personally, I would be absolutely fine trying for a baby over and over if I knew my choices were just 'yay - pregnant!' and 'boo - not pregnant!'. The fact that I know recurrent miscarriages are a likely option is what makes it scarier. It's really hard - physically and emotionally - to prepare yourself for that.

TheRosesAreInBloom · 10/11/2021 22:01

Oh god, no... honestly, just imagine, going through menopause, having a toddler and two teens doing gcses and a levels....shock

^^ 🙋🏻‍♀️ this is me 😃…….

50 with a toddler of 3, a 23, 18 and 16 year old. We are good, no mental breakdowns, the little one is the light of all our lives. I get tired yes but I also hold down a much more stressful job than the one I had before I had her.

Comedycook · 10/11/2021 22:02

@TheRosesAreInBloom

Oh god, no... honestly, just imagine, going through menopause, having a toddler and two teens doing gcses and a levels....shock

^^ 🙋🏻‍♀️ this is me 😃…….

50 with a toddler of 3, a 23, 18 and 16 year old. We are good, no mental breakdowns, the little one is the light of all our lives. I get tired yes but I also hold down a much more stressful job than the one I had before I had her.

You're a stronger woman than me then

FlyingPandas · 10/11/2021 22:03

@Constance1

I don't think there is an issue with women your age having children if they are able, it's more the massive age gap that would be between your children. For someone who started their family in their early 40s, it would make total sense to have another aged 45, but you've done your time in the trenches! Get a puppy or kitten instead :)

OMG, this x a million.

If your DC were 6 and 3, OP, I'd say go for it, even at 45, and wish you all the luck in the world.

With a 16 and 13yo? Absolutely no way.

Even if you really really want a baby, think about the impact on them: on their social lives, their studies, their family support network.

Inevitably, if you have a baby/toddler, to a certain extent the lives of everyone else in the family has to revolve around them: the need for sleep, food, safety, entertainment. You'll end up compromising the needs of your existing DC pretty much every step of the way.

Your family sounds lovely just as it is. Don't spoil it.

Brittanyspringer · 10/11/2021 22:04

Fostering or adoption?

Onemumtwokids · 10/11/2021 22:05

I was 16 when my mum had my yongest brother and my other brother was 14. It didn't bring us closer as a family, in fact the opposite.
I feel I lost out of a lot of my mother's attention at a key developmental stage. I became very independent but at the same time felt sad that during my late teens and early 20s my friends were enjoying shopping trips, meals out, weekends away and other mother-daughter bonding activities that my mum couldn't/wouldn't do.

My youngest brother still lives at home and as a result my parents can't have me and my kids to visit overnight, because there isn't room. Christmases are difficult because you effectively have 4 generations to please, so we don't bother.

I would think beyond the primal urge to reproduce and think about the unintended consequences on the family relationships you already have.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/11/2021 22:05

@Brittanyspringer

Fostering or adoption?

Surely in reality this is harder than raising your own off spring

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 10/11/2021 22:06

My dad did it and he's happy but, my god, he is bloody knackered lol. I think the second round of children later on in life has really aged him. However, despite his complaints, it's very obvious to me that he gets immense joy from all of his children. Although it's ages him physically, I think it's kept him young in spirit.

However, it is different for women than it is for men. He did it with a woman 9 years his junior, and she did not have children from a previous relationship. It's unfair but that is the world we live in.

I agree with the PP who suggested a fertility MOT. I would go and speak to a specialist and find out exactly how it would all work and what your options are. At least then you know what you're dealing with.

Pippapet · 10/11/2021 22:06

Personally I wouldn't. Too risky to know if it's just a mid 40s rush of hormones which will pass/a longing for a baby, rather than a rational decision to bring up another person. You might feel very differently in your 50s and 60s about having a third, much younger child to look after. Would you really want to be doing the primary school run for 7 years again, in your 50s? Dealing with homework and GCSEs etc in your 60s?

CatherinaJTV · 10/11/2021 22:07

@Mushroomlover

We have two DC aged 16 and 13. About 10 years ago DH and I had a talk about whether we wanted any more. He said he was happy to do whatever I wanted and I said what I thought at the time, which is that I was very happy with two.

However for the last year I have found myself longing for another baby. I'm struggling to know whether this is really what I want or just a response to a sort of early-onset empty nest syndrome I've been feeling (my DC are still at home, than goodness, but I'm really aware that they won't be forever). I also don't have any sense of what my odds would be of getting pregnant at this age. I'm in good health (bit overweight but can diet) and no signs of perimenopause. Is there any way I can check my fertility?

Wondered whether anyone had been through this?

I was seriously broody again around that age and someone asked me whether I wanted a baby or wanted to be 30 again... that made me think. Didn't do it.

needaliedown · 10/11/2021 22:08

had my one and only at 41, nearly 42. The best thing I ever did. But perimenopausal mood swings and knackeredness are pretty trying with a 7 year old!

I also feel sad when I realise I will be lucky to still be with her into her 40s. It hurts. It's a sort of visceral sadness.

I also was desperate for a second child after the first, but had one miscarriage followed by one with Edwards syndrome at 44 who did not reach term. The risks of abnormalities are very real in your mid 40s.

Blue4YOU · 10/11/2021 22:09

I haven’t read the full thread but here’s my experience; first a miscarriage at 6-7 weeks, second full term pregnancy stillborn (I was 38) due to placental abruption.
Miscarriage 2 years later (at about 7 weeks).
IVF at 42. Didn’t work. I had loads of eggs harvested (high AMH is that the egg count?) and 12 fertilised eggs. 2 put in at once. Horrible experience all round.
Gave up. Decided to live my life, change jobs.
3 months after IVF failed pregnant naturally.
Had gone off the idea.
12 week scan all good.
20 week scan - problems spotted (club foot and possibly high nuchal fold).
24 weeks told expect baby to die in utero.
27 weeks told baby might not be “that bad” - but advised to abort.
32 weeks- told to expect baby to die. Arranging how to deliver baby in London and transfer dead body across county lines. Contact with hospice set up to expect seriously disabled and life threatening illnesses at best.
35 weeks- planned caesarean for 36 weeks as baby not swallowing so I had horrendous polyhydramnios.
36 weeks baby delivered under general anaesthetic.
Baby beautiful but so disabled she couldn’t move. No muscles etc.
She’s now aged 4. Non-verbal, not walking, no idea how much she understands (a lot though!!). She’s a brain in a body not functioning well.
Me - I’m exhausted.
She has missed out on PR, OT etc since first lockdown.
Goes to special school and loves it but her school transportation hasn’t been arranged.
I spend up to 4 hours a day on phone calls to do with her care/plans/fighting for her rights etc.
I can’t get a job.
She wakes up at 1am/2am every bloody night.
She has long hospital stays if she gets ill.
I can’t plan anything - even a walk.
Can’t have holidays.
Can’t go out with my husband- ever. No respite.
I could go on and on.

Personally, I’d say don’t do it!

AliceMcK · 10/11/2021 22:09

It’s definitely something you need to be very certain about. I’m always broody I could happily have another baby but I know it definitely wouldn’t be right. I’ve just turned 46 and my youngest is 4, I was 36 when I had my first. Having children when older is definitely harder on the body. Since my last I’ve had lots of health issues and I feel like an old woman. My children miss out on so much time with me because of it. I was perfectly fit and healthy before getting pregnant. I know everyone is different and I’m definitely glad I had children later in life as I’m a very different person to what I was in my 20s, but I think I’d have been a lot more physically abled had I’d had them younger.

JKLMNO · 10/11/2021 22:13

I could cope with a baby at that age but teens in my sixties no thanks. Teenagers are a challenge so I would say no way !

JamieFrasersBitOnTheSide · 10/11/2021 22:15

It’s a very personal choice but I wouldn’t. My eldest is 30 and I honestly couldn’t imagine having any children at home now. I have my own life, do my own thing and relish the silence and freedom. I’m 54. I honestly couldn’t contemplate being 54 and having a 10 year old! It would be a no from me.