...to want another baby at 45

[Mushroomlover]

We have two DC aged 16 and 13. About 10 years ago DH and I had a talk about whether we wanted any more. He said he was happy to do whatever I wanted and I said what I thought at the time, which is that I was very happy with two.

However for the last year I have found myself longing for another baby. I'm struggling to know whether this is really what I want or just a response to a sort of early-onset empty nest syndrome I've been feeling (my DC are still at home, than goodness, but I'm really aware that they won't be forever). I also don't have any sense of what my odds would be of getting pregnant at this age. I'm in good health (bit overweight but can diet) and no signs of perimenopause. Is there any way I can check my fertility?

Wondered whether anyone had been through this?

@Thegreenray Prince Harry and Megan are fairly good examples of people who claim to care about the planet enough to only have two kids but regularly jet around.

I don't believe a many of the people that claim not to want kids for the planet. I think they say it as a)it's fashionable b) it's more socially acceptable than saying you don't want them (especially for women) c) many are young and have no idea whether they want them or not d) stave off the annoying pity face from people that have kids.

Yep, l get it, at 45 l wanted another baby, (I have two dcs)
At 48 l hit menopause although l didn't know what was happening to me,
Total mind numbing exhaustion
Excrutiating joint pains
brain fog
Severe night palpitations every night (thought l could be having a heart attack)
inexplicably unable to sleep
Plantar facitis so badly l could barely walk.

It took 2 years and a plethora of medical tests to establish menopause, and another 2 years to get HRT right...

But,
l am still nowhere near the energetic woman l was in my early forties, and l have two (admittedly fab) teenagers who need me plus elderly parents...There is no way l could manage a third younger child nor would it be fair to them.

Please think very carefully, yes you may sail through menopause and have no other caring responsibilities, but there is still a world of difference between how you feel in your 50s compared to your fourties.

You are blessed with two children already, and the yearning gallops off into the distance when you hit the menopause.

[quote TaraRhu]@Thegreenray Prince Harry and Megan are fairly good examples of people who claim to care about the planet enough to only have two kids but regularly jet around.

I don't believe a many of the people that claim not to want kids for the planet. I think they say it as a)it's fashionable b) it's more socially acceptable than saying you don't want them (especially for women) c) many are young and have no idea whether they want them or not d) stave off the annoying pity face from people that have kids.

[/quote]
I saw an article on the BBC website earlier that said the richest 1% in the world are responsible for the same amount of CO2 emissions as the poorest 50%. So it isn't the amount of people, just the way we consume.

Surely the opposite is true and climate aware people who limit their families are more likely not less to be more careful in other areas of life too? Plus having numerous kids who all need houses cars plastic wrapped food and have kids of their own is surely far more impact than the odd long haul flight!

@Dragongirl10

Yep, l get it, at 45 l wanted another baby, (I have two dcs) At 48 l hit menopause although l didn't know what was happening to me, Total mind numbing exhaustion Excrutiating joint pains brain fog Severe night palpitations every night (thought l could be having a heart attack) inexplicably unable to sleep Plantar facitis so badly l could barely walk.

It took 2 years and a plethora of medical tests to establish menopause, and another 2 years to get HRT right...

But,
l am still nowhere near the energetic woman l was in my early forties, and l have two (admittedly fab) teenagers who need me plus elderly parents...There is no way l could manage a third younger child nor would it be fair to them.

Please think very carefully, yes you may sail through menopause and have no other caring responsibilities, but there is still a world of difference between how you feel in your 50s compared to your fourties.

You are blessed with two children already, and the yearning gallops off into the distance when you hit the menopause.

Why did it take two years to work out it was meno at 48 though? Isn’t that a given at that age ?

Agree though - things change v fast after 45!

My grandmother had two more children later on in her marriage at the age of 42 and 43 years old. (She already had 4 older children) By time she was 53 she bitterly regretted it and it showed in her parenting.

Why did it take two years to work out it was meno at 48 though? Isn’t that a given at that age ?

It used to be "oh its just The Change dear..." . And thats why a lot of women died of horrible cancers because their symptoms were written off due to their age. Thank goodness that it doesnt happen anymore. I am 48 and going through the menopauses tests and I am thankful for it.

Actually, saying that, it DOES still happen but it fucking well shouldnt.

I assume @Antonia2021 that you dont know that ovarian cancer can present as the menopause, for example?

@PyongyangKipperbang

Actually, saying that, it DOES still happen but it fucking well shouldnt.

I assume @Antonia2021 that you dont know that ovarian cancer can present as the menopause, for example?

Actually , NICE guidelines state you don’t need tests to diagnose peri/menopause

I believe this is called ‘the last fling of the ovaries.”
I felt the same. I still sometimes do. A puppy cured me of the extreme broodiness and reminded me of how much hard work dependent living things are! I truly had forgotten and totally rose tinted it! Now he is a lovely adult dog, he provides the exact weight and feeling of a lovely baby!!! He is also about 100K cheaper than a third baby!
Wishing you all the best whatever you decide OP. 🙂

New to Mumsnet but had nearly the same question as the OP. Nearing 45, 2 kids over age 10. Have wanted a baby for 3 years now but keep agonising over whether to do it. Waiting hasn't made it better.

To those who say "Get a kitten," that's what my husband suggested 3 years ago when I first brought up having a 3rd baby. Horrible decision. At 3, that cat still wakes us at night more than a 3 year old would do by now, and she's a constant daily reminder of the baby I wanted but didn't have. A cat is nothing, nothing like a child.

To those who say "The horror, someone might think I'm the grandmother," I suppose we all have different insecurities. Mine are more career-success-related. But I have trouble imagining a situation where I'd feel bothered by someone thinking I'm a grandmother.

To those who say, "Think of the freedom you're giving up. What about going out in the evenings?"---maybe that's my problem. I don't go out. Maybe I'm weird, but I'm kind of an introvert and always found it more stressful than not to go out with people so I've hardly ever done it, even as a young adult. My husband's the same way. All I've ever really wanted is my career and children. (I've wanted my current career since I was a young child, and spent years getting the advanced degrees and training to do it.) But over time I've found I feel much more fulfilled by the time I spend with my children than the time I spend working.

My husband now says he'd be happy to try to have a baby if that's what I want. Even our kids say they're on board if that's what I want, but I'm still really worried about how it would impact them and how it would impact the new child.

Isn't this a very common thing that women who about are to start their menopause go through? I've heard this happening to SOOOOOOOO many women this age.
L

Do think about the expense and emotional labour of DC as teens or young adults. In my experience, bringing up younger kids was much easier. I have two, one has had a very hard time as a YA in the pandemic. I have had a lot of unforeseen medical and educational expenses as a result. If I had had three, I would have collapsed. I simply didn;t foresee how much support they would need with uni, A Levels, mental health, and nearly everything else. OFC I didn't foresee a pandemic.