...to want another baby at 45

[Mushroomlover]

We have two DC aged 16 and 13. About 10 years ago DH and I had a talk about whether we wanted any more. He said he was happy to do whatever I wanted and I said what I thought at the time, which is that I was very happy with two.

However for the last year I have found myself longing for another baby. I'm struggling to know whether this is really what I want or just a response to a sort of early-onset empty nest syndrome I've been feeling (my DC are still at home, than goodness, but I'm really aware that they won't be forever). I also don't have any sense of what my odds would be of getting pregnant at this age. I'm in good health (bit overweight but can diet) and no signs of perimenopause. Is there any way I can check my fertility?

Wondered whether anyone had been through this?

Sounds like the start of menopause tbh. The broodiness will pass

I'm 39 with an almost 7 yr old. I'm absolutely exhausted most of the time. I cannot fathom having another one now, never mind when I'm 45.

Having little kids is a hard slog, you've done your time! Don't underestimate just how utterly exhausting this would be for you.

Plus it's been a while since you had young kids, so maybe you're looking at it with rose tinted glasses?

Just enjoy this next phase of your life, you only get one. There are so many more exciting things to do!

I had my last one at 43, bloody knackered, plus dealing with a stroppy teen and the Menopause is brutal.

@bert3400

I had a baby at 43, he is now 13 all good but consider the school run. I really hated the limitations of drop off and pick up had on my day and hated the whole playground chatting as well (to old for that shit). Fortunately he now is independent and can make his own way there and back .

😂😂 I was too old for that shit when I was doing doing the school run in my 20s You are the same age as me....I guess it’s easier for you now your boy is older...I am now doing the school run again with my 3 GC ....but only when it suits me😀

Hi OP. I'm the third child with the big age gap between me and my siblings and elderly parents now. Both siblings left home by the time I was 7 and I felt like an only child. I also know that they grew up together and had a normal sibling relationship which makes me feel excluded. My mum was really tired and angry when I was little as she was going through the menopause so that wasn't much fun to grow up with! I see old family movies from before I was with them and get sad at how fun my mum was when my siblings were kids. Literally running around and being silly. She was nothing like that when I was little. To be fair I was unplanned so I think that made it harder on her. She is a lovely person and we get on really well now but her having me at the age she did was hard on both of us. So my advice would be to really think about what you have left inside you to put into another child because your age and the gap with siblings will likely impact them.

I had my two aged almost 43 and almost 47. I would have preferred to have them earlier but it didn't happen. They are almost 15 and 11 now, and I will be 58 next year. I certainly don't feel too old to have them - they keep me young, physically and mentally! The chances of complications are higher though, and I have no idea if/when we will get to retire as we will need to keep working longer to fund them.

If I had already spent time raising children when I was in my mid-40s, doing it again might be more exhausting though. Only you will know if you are up for all of it again.

Don't do it. Your energy goes way down in your fifties and sixties. It is a very different stage of life. You just won't want to be doing hard core parenting during those years. It's so exhausting. And you won't have the company of any peers doing it at the same time you are. Everyone will think you're the grandmother and it won't be flattering. Right now it feels like it is going to bring back your youth, but it's just going to make you feel dragged out and old. Instead of having a baby, you be the baby--nurture your own creativity, your own self.

Some women can have children at 45. Most will have miscarriages though (even if they do eventually conceive a viable pregnancy). Are you ok with that?

Hi OP gosh women are very hard on each other aren’t they. You know your family circumstances and finances and your health. You decide what’s appropriate for you. I cannot believe people call older mums granny. Have they no understanding of how to behave socially. How rude. It’s a mans world. You don’t get grey haired men called grandad’s. It’s the oh silver haired father like Paul Hollywood. There all different types of good parents.those who can’t run after children but can read them a story or go to a museum with them.

@Ilovechocolatecoins

Hi OP gosh women are very hard on each other aren’t they. You know your family circumstances and finances and your health. You decide what’s appropriate for you. I cannot believe people call older mums granny. Have they no understanding of how to behave socially. How rude. It’s a mans world. You don’t get grey haired men called grandad’s. It’s the oh silver haired father like Paul Hollywood. There all different types of good parents.those who can’t run after children but can read them a story or go to a museum with them.

I think you may have misunderstood some of the PP posts....people have said that an older mother will most likely be mistaken for a Granny, not be called a Granny. Im 56 I pick my Grandchildren up from school ....same as many other Grannies who are younger than me ( late 40s/early 50s).....so people just assume that someone of that age is a Granny....but they don’t say it to their face.

You know your circumstances, medical history and can research your odds of carrying a healthy pregnancy to term. It may be helpful to hear that this is likely your hormones telling you to go for it while you can, do the math, weigh up the pros and cons and make an intelligent decision, not an emotional one.
I didn't have an easy time getting pregnant or carrying to term when I was young, I know it definitely won't be right for me to try again down the line but this feeling to want to try that so many experience and is hormonal terrifies me more than anything. I'll be taking permanent action to protect myself from it because it would likely be so damaging for me and my family to act on it

Early empty-nest syndrome ? Your youngest is 13 ! By the time they leave home you'll probably be about 55 . That's when you get to suffer from empty nest syndrome .....which is only a "thing" if you let it . Enjoy your kids now - and stop stressing about missing them when they leave home. You'll be fine, honestly.

Haven't RTFT but can see the poll. I would get the checks and then prepare yourself for disappointment. We did this and although we didn't have another, we had enough warning in my broody state and at this stage we don't have any regrets. It would have been nice but didn't happen and we have no regrets for trying.

I completely understand your feelings, OP, my children are the same age as yours and I've been feeling broody for at least three years, I can get so soppy about babies and toddlers!

But, I honestly think it's a hormonal urge, I'm 47 and obviously moving rapidly towards the menopause, although there's no physical signs of it yet. I have five friends who've had third or fourth babies in their 40's, ranging from 41 to 47, some planned, some not. I will say that the oldest two (45 and 47 when they gave birth) seem the most tired, even though their children are 7 and 13 now.

Three of those five children are diagnosed with ADHD and have learning differences. Although I'd love to have another child if I could, I've ignored the urge.

@Skysblue
If you are seriously wanting to have a baby again then look into donor egg ivf asap. It costs about £10k for one try, usually takes 3 attempts to suceed, and at your age there is a significant risk that you would miscarry. Ie the chance of spending £30k on a lot of heartbreak is high.
It’s a lot less than 10k and the chance of miscarriage with donor eggs is not high as the eggs are not old.

Had a friend with two teens feeling broody at 42.

Had child with rare genetic disorder. Girl is 14 now and still non-verbal and diapered. As she always will be. My friend is a good mother but wishes she hadn't pressed her luck.

@PrincessNutella

Don't do it. Your energy goes way down in your fifties and sixties. It is a very different stage of life. You just won't want to be doing hard core parenting during those years. It's so exhausting. And you won't have the company of any peers doing it at the same time you are. Everyone will think you're the grandmother and it won't be flattering. Right now it feels like it is going to bring back your youth, but it's just going to make you feel dragged out and old. Instead of having a baby, you be the baby--nurture your own creativity, your own self.

100% this! ^

Get a new hobby or start volunteering for a charity instead. Helping others is so rewarding, you don’t have to rewind your family right back to the baby stage in order to feel needed and nurturing.

I think women get a surge of hormones at this age. I did too.

We adopted a kitten and it sorted me out. I've never felt broody since and love my cat like it's my baby.

FFS. This is 100% about you. It's another human life you're talking about. You've had your children. Get over yourself and adopt a puppy or kitten.

Very interesting that almost all the people saying "don't do it" are those who haven't done it themselves!

I have a friend who had her youngest in her late 40s. It was and is absolutely fine.

Only you know your circumstances OP. Trust yourself and ignore all the doom merchants on here. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I bumped into an old friend the other day who is pregnant with her 10th child at 47. I am 46 & can't imagine coping with a baby or toddler again now! My youngest is 10.

My point I think is that while it would be a nightmare for some, it does work well for others. Making a pros & cons list as a PP said is a great idea.

I feel so sorry for the child.

@Thegreenray what child?

I was pregnant at 45. Sadly didn’t last beyond 11 weeks.
You’ll get lots of replies telling you how old you’ll be when the kids are 10....16.....20

None of that matters, because you could be 50 when you depart.....60.........100....

Go for it.