To expect my DH to get out of our bed?

[PurpleDaisy2114]

DD is 10,with additional needs. She has been in a lot of pain yesterday and today with muscle strain in her back.
She wanted to sleep in our bed tonight.DH was adamant in saying no- said it's the only thing he insists on,it's our space.
DDhas slept on the sofa, lying next to me most of evening.To me,she's poorly and wants her Mum.
I just think he is being selfish. I've come into her room and am in her bed instead.

YABU for letting her sleep on sofa with a bad back.
She needs to sleep properly in her bed.

If a ten year old with additional needs needs their parent that fully deserve to have that parent.

And they can, in their own perfectly reasonable queen size bed

Posters making the sexual comments: grim
It's not like everyone is frolicking buck naked

I never had more than a twin bed growing up and never had my own room but if you have the space, I don't see a thing wrong with kids having a bigger bed.

Agree with the biofreeze being quite good.
It is a muscle pain or something else?

It sounds like your DD just needs you right now and there's nothing wrong with that. Teen years will come and she might not want you to even sit next to her anymore.

I would have let her stay in your bed; she didn't feel well, she's your child and she wanted to stay snuggled up to her parent for comfort. However, that's beside the point - you and your DH have different parenting styles and it's your DH that you need to agree with you, not me. You're going to get the same split of views here. There is not necessarily a "right" answer.

There is a point where sharing a bed with your children becomes inappropriate and not something to be encouraged.

I'm in my late 30s and would still share a bed with my mum when sharing a hotel room - there is absolutely nothing inappropriate about it.

YABU. Its his bed too, why does he not get to have an opinion? If she wants you, sleep in her bed.

I think she just wanted Mum so you probably should have gone to her bed with her from the start. Your dd has additional needs and is presumably regularly unwell - so you need to build a routine that works for her long term

@PrincessPaws

If a ten year old with additional needs needs their parent that fully deserve to have that parent.

And they can, in their own perfectly reasonable queen size bed

I absolutely agree with that. You have quoted me completely out of context here. That comment was in response to the poster who said...

One of the best things you can do as a parent is teach good sleep hygiene IMHO. Sharing beds from 5/6 + isnt good sleep hygiene. I also wouldn't want to share a bed with a pubescent child, it's not odd to say that it's odd to do.

It was absolutely fuck all to do with parents bed v child's bed. So please, if you want to quote me and respond at the very lesser keep it in context.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

One of the best things you can do as a parent is teach good sleep hygiene IMHO. Sharing beds from 5/6 + isnt good sleep hygiene. I also wouldn't want to share a bed with a pubescent child, it's not odd to say that it's odd to do

That’s appalling. My dd was a very anxious child. It helped her to sleep with me. Do 5/6 year olds need sleep hygiene? They’re hardly more than babies.

they are not ‘hardly more than babies’. They’re at full time school.

My dd would share my bed every night if she could but she is only 4. If she’s unwell, dh will get out of our bed and go in hers, despite her terrible mattress that needs replacing, because she wants me. I understand that some people don’t want their kids in bed with them but this is the way that we all get the most sleep.

YABVU.

Yabu. And why the hell did you let her sleep on the couch. Thats the worst for your back
Just let her sleep in her bed. And if you wanna lay with her:do that

@PurpleDaisy2114

She has a queen bed so it's not too squashy

I was going to say YANBU, but having read this unless I'm missing something and you need to be in your room for some specific not unreasonable reason, then YABU. Just sleep in DD bed.

DD followed me down hence we are both now in her bed.

If DD needs comfort and she has a big bed then both of you sleeping in DD's bed seems like the best solution. DD sleeping in your/DH's bed is a bad precedent unless you and DH are both ok with it.

I get that your DD has additional needs but they aren't going to go away and in the long run boundaries that work for everyone including DH are very important.

DH has gone to work and now she is back in our bed!

Why? Be careful not to create a DD vs. DH situation where DD can be in your bed until DH says she can't and you're stuck in the middle. You and DH need to be united and consistent.

Definitely YANBU. DH always vacates our bed when DD2 is poorly. Hardly that much of an imposition him going in your dds bed.

I don’t like any children in my bed. It’s my safe space and the one place in the whole house that’s just mine and just how I like it. I don’t like anyone intruding in on it. (apart from my husband and he’s bad enough 😂)

I’d say YABU simply cause it’s unfair to kick him out of his own bed when your daughter has a big enough bed for you both.

I'm with him, she has a queen bed.. go and get in with her.

It would actually make more sense if all 3 of you got into her bed because it's bigger 😂

To me it would depend on a lot of factors

• how bad is the pain (groaning in her sleep makes me think quite bad)
• how often it happens
• what else is going on for her.

So as one off and really unusual, I’d expect DH to move out.

As a more regular set up because of her condition, I’d expect that, AS A FAMILY, there is a solution that would be found that works for everyone.

I get the idea that the ‘marital bed’ shouldn’t be ‘invaded’ on a regular basis.
I also get the idea that the solution should be one that doesn’t maker her automatically reliant on you.

From your description, I’d say she was in real pain and needed support. I wouldn’t refuse that but the solution of you two sharing her bed was perhaps the best one to use to start with.

But I think it’s hard. When your child is in pain, it’s pretty normal to just want them to feel comfortable and to go for the easiest/quickest/first solution that comes to mind

I’d also want to ask why it’s YOU who is automatically having to move bed and stay with dd.

Is your DH ever making the effort to support his dd too? What would he do then? Stay with her in her bedroom/bed?

She has a queen size bed at 10?! I had a double and that felt big!
YABU for having her in the sofa and for not just going into her bed with her in the first place, your husband hasn't done anything wrong.

I agree with your DH.

YABU I has an SEN child and no chance would they be in our bed, the only time I would consider sleeping with them is if they were really sick with a sickness bug, but I would go on a bed in their room. If they had a queen size bed I would go in their. But they would have to be really unwell. Tired parents looking after a sick child only adds to the problem

@PurpleDaisy2114

She has a queen bed so it's not too squashy

Yabvu

@silverbubbles

YABU for letting her sleep on sofa with a bad back. She needs to sleep properly in her bed.

Exactly this. You and your DH went up to bed and left a 10 year old with a bad back to sleep on a sofa.

And you think your DH is being unreasonable for wanting his own bed for the night?