To expect my DH to get out of our bed?

[PurpleDaisy2114]

DD is 10,with additional needs. She has been in a lot of pain yesterday and today with muscle strain in her back.
She wanted to sleep in our bed tonight.DH was adamant in saying no- said it's the only thing he insists on,it's our space.
DDhas slept on the sofa, lying next to me most of evening.To me,she's poorly and wants her Mum.
I just think he is being selfish. I've come into her room and am in her bed instead.

Nut she has a queen size, so what's the problem with you sharing?

Since you’ve said your daughter has a queen size bed it seems more practical for you to sleep with her. Not sure why this wasn’t the first thought.

Yes I think it does a child with SN a disservice to pander to their every whim because “SN!”

The real world doesn’t work like this. Not everyone will necessarily give concessions because of a special need. Teaching your kid they are exempt from the rules & regulations isn’t great.

Everyone deserves a safe space - your husband has been clear the bedroom being a safe space is something important to him.

To “expect” you can boot him from his safe space to pander to your kid because she has a bad back is not very nice to your husband.

Not when she has a queen size bed & is laid up on a couch, the worst place to lay with a bad back.

Why treat your husband like shit & make his needs feel unimportant? What message does this send to the daughter? That she can trump everyone else because of her SN?

YABU - when your DD asked to sleep with you, why did you not then just go into her bed with her, considering you know that your DH will not move out of your bed? You didn't have to go to the sofa either, you could have gone to DDs room and that way the second "decampment" would not have been necessary since DD would have come directly to her room to join you.

I have a king size and preteen DD has a queen sized bed, if DD feels ill or asks me if I will stay with her at night, then I will do so but in her bed. That way she is in her own room, with her own stuff, teddies/comfort blanket etc which means she usually settles better there than in my bed. Also it means that once she is settled I can leave and she won't be disturbing me (eg if I need to go put on a load of laundry or just want to go to my room and get ready for bed etc without having to do so by tiptoeing round a darkened room)

YABU - if she has a queen size bed then you can sleep with her.

Ds has Asd. He has a small double. We can both sleep in there easily and I am not a small person.

You knew that was his line in sand, you still let her get in. You knew she had a big bed. You chose to go downstairs and then later to her bed.

There seems no real reason for you and her to be in your bed apart from the fact that you wanted to stay in your own bed. So you dd, understandably, want to change sleeping arrangements, but its your husband who can't sleep in his own bed and only you that sleeps in your usual place.

Its makes no sense.

I am also baffled by the poster that thinks children should have a bed larger than a single. What's the issue?

Ah, come on OP, the DD having a big queen size bed in her room is a massive dripfeed.

YABU and you've done the drip feed knowing many people will only read the OP and think it's a single. A queen size bed is plenty big enough for an adult and child. You knew he doesn't let kids sleep in his bed, he's not being unreasonable at all.

YABU, it’s his bed, you can’t turf him out every time DD feels unwell. If her bed isn’t suitable, get her one that is (eg a comfortable double so you can spend nights in it together without making DH sleep on the sofa).

If she takes his place once it’s likely she’ll keep wanting to, and he’ll end up with no bed at all!

Ah she has a queen sized bed 🤔

So plenty of room to share. The problem was mum allowing her to get into the other bed instead of saying ‘daddy will be up in a minute, let’s go sleep in your room’
Then she wouldn’t have had to get out of your bed and into her own?

We don’t let DC displace DH from our bed. We have a double in the spare room (with a washable waterproof mattress cover) just in case. It’s always made up, so anyone who feels ill or in pain goes to the spare room and the bed is big enough for a parent and child to share. I slept in that bed while DC was a baby waking frequently, teething, when he was ill, even when he was in a cot beside it. When he outgrew his cot bed we shared the double until he got his own room, but the spare room’s still there when needed.

YABU, I totally agree with your DH.

@smoko

Yes I think it does a child with SN a disservice to pander to their every whim because “SN!”

The real world doesn’t work like this. Not everyone will necessarily give concessions because of a special need. Teaching your kid they are exempt from the rules & regulations isn’t great.

Everyone deserves a safe space - your husband has been clear the bedroom being a safe space is something important to him.

To “expect” you can boot him from his safe space to pander to your kid because she has a bad back is not very nice to your husband.

Not when she has a queen size bed & is laid up on a couch, the worst place to lay with a bad back.

Why treat your husband like shit & make his needs feel unimportant? What message does this send to the daughter? That she can trump everyone else because of her SN?

This is the best response on here.

If she has a queen bed then definitely you should go in with her.

There seems to be a big split on this but I don't really agree with kids being in parents' beds overnight after the age of 4/5. I think it can create a really unhealthy pattern especially if parents need their own space (as your husband is very clearly saying he does).

I think it can create a really unhealthy pattern especially if parents need their own space (as your husband is very clearly saying he does)

I agree with this. ExDH and I split up years ago so my bedroom is my room and is my sanctuary away from the world and I really don't want DD thinking it is a communal space leaving me with nowhere that is truly just mine.

DD can do whatever she likes in the rest of our flat but my bedroom is out of bounds and she doesn't go in unless there's good reason. Writing it out sounds draconian but it's not like the door is padlocked or that I'd punish her if I found her with even a toe over the threshold, there's just an expectation in our household that bedrooms are private spaces and you don't go into someone else's room without permission or good reason - eg if I ask DD to put something in my room or I go into DDs room to get her laundry basket when I'm doing the washing. DD has always just grown up with this expectation getting in my bed is just not something that would occur to her.

If DD is ever ill in the middle of the night then I might just put her in my bed, especially if her bed/room needs cleaning up, but usually if she feels under the weather or wants me to stay with her, then I do so in her bedroom, as she generally settles better in her own bed as well as meaning that I can retreat to my own bedroom if I need a break.

I agree with your DH. YABU

Agree with your husband.

she might be better on her own with muscle strain.

does this happen regularly?

No one is unreasonable here, I think, although it would be nicer of him to let you have the big bed, being as he knows there will be two people in it, rather than expecting both of you to crowd into her single (unless hers is a double, in which case I don't see an issue).

Perhaps op didn’t want to be turfed out of her bed so she could share a children’s mattress on a small double bed. One person can easily fit on a 4’ bed. Not so easy for two. This place is weird sometimes.

Am I the only person who thinks this is an entirely non debate. So what, stay in yours, go in hers. All beds were suitable and it's a boring debate 🤣 Are you really just gunning for your husband for another reason and it's manifested itself in this?

Oh and a Queen sized bed is bigger than a double for those referring to it as a double!

*small double

@Mummyoflittledragon

Perhaps op didn’t want to be turfed out of her bed so she could share a children’s mattress on a small double bed. One person can easily fit on a 4’ bed. Not so easy for two. This place is weird sometimes.

Its not a children's mattress. It's a queen bed. Not a children's queen or a small double.

The husband didn't want to be turfed out either.

@Mummyoflittledragon

Perhaps op didn’t want to be turfed out of her bed so she could share a children’s mattress on a small double bed. One person can easily fit on a 4’ bed. Not so easy for two. This place is weird sometimes.

Oh and I can and do, share a small double with my 10 year old son when he isn't well.

Yes I think it does a child with SN a disservice to pander to their every whim because “SN!”

Goodness. Imagine thinking it's pandering to settle your child with additional needs

The real world doesn’t work like this. Not everyone will necessarily give concessions because of a special need. Teaching your kid they are exempt from the rules & regulations isn’t great.

This is one of the worst things I have ever read on here. Disgusting, ableist and you should be fully ashamed of yourself.

Having a disability means that yes, 'concessions' should be made. We call them accommodations and reasonable adjustments. People have fought for fucking years but your little comment here shows that attitudes have not caught up.